Date: July 18, 2017 01:27AM
Yes! I called it my "Sunday depression." All the while, I still believed. I trusted the Mormons (my parents among them) who told me it was MY fault that church depressed me. In my heart, I knew I was a good person. I obeyed the rules. I tried very hard to be perfect. I was always the ward and/or stake organist, and had a teaching calling or cub scouts on top of that.
I would come home, go to my bedroom, and close the curtains, and crawl into bed, still in my clothes, and even my heels and panty hose, and pull the covers over my head, and lie there in the dark and quiet for 30 minutes. I needed to recover, to clear my mind. I felt like I had been beat-up, abused, physically pummeled. It was not just "boredom" or "tiredness". It wasn't real "depression", either, because I would get out of bed, and take off those awful clothes, and be with my children, and order a pizza for Sunday dinner, and watch a movie.
For those 30 minutes, I didn't have a headache, but I was so sick that I had to explain to my children that I had to "sleep" for 30 minutes.
I forced myself to do this every Sunday, because I felt Mormonism was "a good way to raise children," even though my poor kids hated church. Soon, I began feeling unhappy and grumpy on Saturdays, because I would have to prepare my Sunday school lesson, and rehearse the music (Yes! It is funeral music! LOL! Ever since the cult made a rule that only Mormon music could be played.) and get everyone's clothes ready. I didn't have time to do much with the kids on weekends.
I was a divorced single working mother, but, compared to those 3 hours in church and 5 hours rehearsing and preparing, my job was less draining. I actually would look forward to Mondays, when I could feel like a valuable human being, again! I was helping others in my work. Even the most demanding, most discouraging experiences at work were far more positive than my church experience.
Soon, I discovered that coffee and chocolate would help me get through SundaysI didn't eat that stuff during the week. If there had been access to anti-depressnats, I probably would have taken those, too. Most of the women on RS were on an antidepressant! We took a poll, out of curiosity, and over half the RS class raised their hands. (Maybe some of the others were lying.)
Please, please, please, dear poster XE, understand that there is no such thing as a "faith crisis." This is a term that the cult invented, in order to put more blame on YOU and off of THEM. The Mormon church wants money. It wants more members, to bring in more money. They keep members hooked, and obedient, by stripping them of their self-esteem.
Yes, yes! I felt just like you, and all the other posters!
Cl2: "I always came away from church feeling like I was failing and they kept telling me I was.
Shapeshifter: "In fact my whole TBM family seemed relieved to get home again after, like we just endured something awful"
When I walked out of that church building for the last time, I felt a sudden joy, like that dark cloud over my life had lifted, and the sun had come out! I was surprised that the Sunday depression left so quickly--and it has not returned for 9 years, now! (Except for normal crying at funerals, feeling discouraged when I'm ill, and the normal rough patches of real life.) No matter what, sadness is temporary, and under my control. On a scale of 1-10, I'm at 9.5 happiness! So are my children, who resigned with me!