The more you care outwardly for others, the less your own needs get met.

Living a life of *service* means sacrificing your needs for someone else's.

Is it really altruistic therefore to give more than you receive?

Until you can care for yourself properly, you really can't hope to for others either.

It's one thing to care for children or dependent family who may be disabled, or aged, etc. But when in the LDS church we are expected to give way more than we receive, in every aspect of our lives.

Is that why many of us just find ourselves feeling "burnt out," after getting the bleepety bleep out of there? Not having all the heavy demands on my time, money, and talents means I have more to take better care of me, and those in my sphere of influence.

It's for these reasons that I've substantially pulled back from several TBM relatives.

Kindness is not reciprocated, there's no common social basis for chit chat, the non-TBM is viewed as less-than by the TBM, the value that is placed on honesty by the non-TBM is starkly different than the value that the TBM places on honesty, etc.

I've learned, over many years, to not waste emotional energy and precious time on people / relationships that are not a net-positive in my life. Basing a relationship on stilted artifacts like genetics or societal expectations is not the always smart, I've decided.

"He's your dad!" "He's your son!" "He's your cousin." "She's your aunt!"

So what.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2015 03:10PM by schlock.

I've had to pull back from my TBM family and some non-TBM relatives who grew up in Utah.

They suffer from they're better than others syndrome, especially their fallen away family members since they're the "Nephite" side of the family, and we're the "Lamanite" fallen away ones.

The brainwashing is that complete for some of them. Although some of my nephews, nieces, and cousins are out now. They can laugh at its madness, and rejoice they've been spared for leaving.

I fully appreciate your comment, "I've learned, over many years, to not waste emotional energy and precious time on people / relationships that are not a net-positive in my life. Basing a relationship on stilted artifacts like genetics or societal expectations is not the always smart, I've decided."

This is so very true.

And also, another incredibly important lesson that I've learned about other people in my life:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f5/1a/85/f51a85a2bbd3ed2d21e793a290320fdf.jpg

This actually makes for a pretty good filter, when deciding who to devote energy to in my life. There's nothing worse than pouring emotional energy into a black hole, that never returns, or is never even acknowledged. Life's too short for that silliness.

Amen!

I felt so drained, after social interactions with Mormons. I got sick of all the one-sided conversations, in which I listened to their marital problems, work problems, problems with their children, their latest spiritual experience, what they liked about the RS lesson or the conference talks, and of course the latest snarky gossip. I used to care about these Mormons, bring them meals when they were sick, babysit for them, and always ask them how they were doing. I was just a nobody divorced working mother, so no one ever asked how I was doing (I was doing very well!). Completely one-sided. I gave, and they took. I thought they weren't versed in the social graces, but now I realize that they just didn't care.

When I resigned, and stopped teaching their children and playing the organ and piano, they shunned me. It hurt my feelings, until I realized that they had never been my friends in the first place. I'm happier without all their demands and problems, mucking up my life.

I don't believe love works this way, however. There's a difference between just burning yourself out, for nothing, and giving your all for something (and someone) that you feel is worthwhile. For example, the love and caring I have given to my children has come back to me--1000 times!

ExMoBandB Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I felt so drained, after social interactions with
> Mormons. I got sick of all the one-sided
> conversations, in which I listened to their
> marital problems, work problems, problems with
> their children, their latest spiritual experience,
> what they liked about the RS lesson or the
> conference talks, and of course the latest snarky
> gossip. I used to care about these Mormons, bring
> them meals when they were sick, babysit for them,
> and always ask them how they were doing. I was
> just a nobody divorced working mother, so no one
> ever asked how I was doing (I was doing very
> well!). Completely one-sided. I gave, and they
> took. I thought they weren't versed in the social
> graces, but now I realize that they just didn't
> care.
>
> When I resigned, and stopped teaching their
> children and playing the organ and piano, they
> shunned me. It hurt my feelings, until I realized
> that they had never been my friends in the first
> place. I'm happier without all their demands and
> problems, mucking up my life.
>
> I don't believe love works this way, however.
> There's a difference between just burning yourself
> out, for nothing, and giving your all for
> something (and someone) that you feel is
> worthwhile. For example, the love and caring I
> have given to my children has come back to
> me--1000 times!

___________________________________________

You've felt some of the same way I have about the church and what it places values on more. The *service* is all about forgetting ourselves in the process. They really don't care about us, or it would've been reflected more in their actions.

When I was a young single mother an older female convert who was very active, with a schizophrenic adult son still living with her, would ask me several times for a ride to church following a car accident she'd been in that put her car out of commission for several weeks. As difficult as it was for me to go out of my way for her each week, with two little children, and I was church chorister during that time, I still went to pick her up and get her to church on time. And then back home again, following services.

A couple weeks later my car broke down, and she had hers back working again. I asked her for a ride while my car was getting repaired. She was incredulous I would ask her, and flat out refused to help me. I was still church chorister, and needed to be on time to lead the Sacrament music. That didn't matter to her one iota.

Lesson learned. Chalk one up for church hypocrites.

As for our children, I agree whole heartedly. Although my giving and being a doting mom to one of my children was counter productive. If hindsight were 20/20, I'd have been less *helpful* of my children, because now they're adults, one who does stay in touch tells me I did too much for them as children. That was in large part from my Mormon conditioning to be a *helicopter* parent. My own parents were anything but hands on, so I swore I'd be just the opposite with my own children so they'd always know they were loved.

Still don't regret trying to be the best parent I knew how. Despite my mistakes, I do hope my children forgive me for over mothering, and being overly protective of them.

My children spent the majority of their childhood growing up in New York City pre-9/11. That's just what parents did, unless they didn't care at all for their kids. They were supervised all the time by either parents or school.

The biblical verse, [do not] cast your pearls before swine, has been meaningful to me of late. Do not put things that you value (your time, talents, possessions, or resources) in the path of people who will not appreciate them and in fact will gleefully or thoughtlessly destroy them.

Those words have special meaning to me too. Thanks for sharing.

You're pretty awesome, amyjo. You figured out how to break the shackles of Mormonism and love yourself. Major accomplishment.

And, you're a giver like me. You just want to give because it's what you're made of, and people just eat it up. They use you. It made being Mormon a life of madness. Giving and squandering are two different things. Giving to people who only know how to take is an affront to your divinity because it's destructive, not constructive.

The thing that makes you special is your heart of truth. It resonates with those of us here who love the truth. So I think I speak for many of us here and not just myself, if it's not too tacky, when I say we love you. We feel for you and you're one of us.

Thank you so much for your kind words, and affirmation. That is life affirming to say the least.

I'm happy to have discovered this site, didn't know what life after Mormonism was all about until finding other ex-Mos who've been there too.

Like others have shared, I felt like I was the only one for a long time, until reading all these other stories that just confirms that we're not alone.

:D

I was raised to do what was expected and not to expect anything in return.

Frankly, it's bitten me in the butt many times. I've been in one-way relationships many times, and suppressed the natural resentment many times when I've realized I was doing too much giving and very little receiving. Eventually this resentment, and maybe a blowup, ended the friendship.

I had to distance myself from my own extended family, especially my parents, or I would have had no right to attend to my own self and family. I still had to live with the nagging sense of guilt for many years.

If you really want to survive IMHO

1 Take care of me first

2 Take care of family second

3 Everything else comes after these