I was pondering today how in my past TBM days my I did suffer with and exhusband that was abusive addicted to drugs etc. so i felt as though I was having to endure way more than most as a good LDS woman. Every sunday I would hear how the most important of things to do was ENDURE to the end, along with trying to raise children alone, divorce etc. there were days I truly wished for death not suicidal so much as a peaceful death. Mormonism almost made death so much more appealing than actual LIFE. I find now that I can see the man behind the curtain I no longer have that idea that as soon as this life has been endured all will be well. I now see this life is something that can be truly loved and enjoyed not just Endured!!!!

I had similar feelings except that I never felt worthy enough to feel confident that I would go to a good place. After a while the Telestial Kingdom didn't seem so bad. . .

During the last few months of my mission, I was essentially a non-believer. Going through the motions until I could go home.

At one point, contemplating what I would do when I got released, and knowing I didn't believe, I felt helpless and stuck. I was sure my family would disown me, I'd lose all my friends, nobody would give me a job, I'd be homeless and alone and destitute. It wasn't pleasant to contemplate. The thought came into my mind (briefly!) that it would be better if I just died, either by my own hand or in some kind of accident. Because facing up to what I was afraid might happen was so very hard.

Fortunately I got over my self-pity and fear, and was able to imagine a life outside of mormonism. Some people don't have that happen to them, they don't get out of the despair, and DO wish for death. I understand that. I sincerely try to see the signs of that kind of fear and despair in others, and convince them their fears are unfounded, and their despair can come to an end -- because I felt that way myself. It's very frightening.

Beautiful! Still fighting my way out of that. Maybe I need to stop fighting and just do it. (now I have reached my 1 or 2 alotted posts per thread)

Part of cult brainwashing is to make members feel that there is no way out!

I was married in the temple to a man who had conned me into it, for my money, and for my ability to work and put him through graduate school. He beat me almost daily, and I went to the hospital several times. He strangled me until I passed out--and I was thinking it was my last breath on this earth. This did something to me. He quoted D&C132 while he threw me around the room. I was brainwashed into thinking that a temple marriage could never be reversed, and I kept being commanded by the priesthood to "endure to the end." I used every kind of birth control available--simultaneously--explaining that if I got pregnant I might get sick and not be able to work. I would not have a child for him to brutalize. I

I felt like Ificouldhietokolob--I would lose my family and friends and my church status, if I got a divorce. Yet, if I stayed in the marriage, I refused to have children. Either way, I was doomed. Seeing no way out, I tried to kill myself, after a beating, to make the pain stop. At that moment of death, I suddenly realized that there was a way out! I wanted to live. What was my life worth? Worth humiliation, accusations, shunning, worth living the rest of my life without a husband--yes.

I escaped from the marriage, and, out of fear, changed my name, and started over in a large city, far away. Every day, I woke up and said to myself, "I'm alive!" The only guilt I had was leaving my parents and siblings unprotected, and the thug of an ex-husband did give them a hard time--crying, threatening suicide, begging for money--until he latched onto another Mormon girl as to con as I was. My parents had never even met his parents, or any of his siblings. His family was overseas on a mission, so we never went to their house, never talked with the neighbors, never met anyone who had known him as a child or in high school, even. He was the "perfect", smiling, Mormon RM, that they wanted me to marry. I stopped feeling guilty very fast.

Never feel guilty for saving your own life.

When you are "enduring to the end," that's the time to LEAVE!

Thank you for your great post. Your story is profound, both in what you went through and how you overcame.

You went through hell, literally! I'm so glad you were able to get away from that hellish life with that morb of a husband.

The last time I attended the LDS church before leaving for good, I remember sliding into a depression. I recall thinking to myself at the time, what is this from? Is it because my parents died recently, and my grieving has been delayed to come to this point?

Or was it because I'd returned to the Moron church because they'd both died close in time, and it was out of nostalgia I returned trying to reconnect to my past. A past that was no longer viable for me or my children ....

It was another wakeup moment for me to realize the church wasn't helping me spiritually or emotionally. And in fact as a Mormon adult I'd have the frequent sensation that I was starving inside while being Molly good Mormon on the outside. It was a hollow existence - not worthy of emulating.

Glad you got out with your life, and your dignity intact. No man is worth what you went through, or sorry excuse for a church.

I really admire who you are and what you've done. An example I can follow. :)

When I was on my honeymoon with my gay husband, I wished that we would get killed because he was "clean" at the time and I didn't know how long he could hold out not "sinning."

Of course, it all fell apart and years down the road, we both live our lives with authenticity.

Glad you made it out too, alive and with a good perspective.

I just watched a Holocaust film this afternoon of a 109 year old Theresiendstadt survivor (she was the oldest living Holocaust survivor known,) talk about what kept her going. Besides her music (she was a concert pianist who played for the Nazis as well as the prisoners,) and she could escape through her music to another world that was sane and beautiful. It was her attitude - mostly upbeat, positive, and finding joy in the midst of despair that has kept her going during her time as a prisoner and since WWII.

Her attitude is contagious, I must say. To have suffered so much, and yet still be alive.. for her the greatest gift has been her life, and then music. For her, hope was demonstrative of god. Without hope, she'd have been as good as dead.

One of her colleagues who played concert music with her while @ Theresienstadt commented that it was her attitude that helped her to live. She never saw herself as a victim. While others walked around the camp looking like walking corpses, she never identified with them at all. She felt like an outsider amongst that death and destruction. Then as she lay among hundreds of dead corpses around her, and she was left for dead as well, she still didn't see herself there. She just knew she was going to get through it all. And somehow she did.

Their attitudes are what was so amazing to hear, as they expressed their deep wellspring of quiet reserve and inner strength.

One woman remarked how her father told her as they were separated for the last time; to remain "calm, because that would be her weapon against the enemy."

He was soon thereafter murdered, but she has followed his advice all her life, and it has served her well through all the trauma she endured.

Experience taught me, it will continue to teach the lesson.
I have said it before, I will say it again, IF a person hangs in until the bitter end, then they will end up with a bitter ending.

Of Course the predatory parasitic vipers at LD$ Inc want people to stay on the MORmON treadmill right to the end.

These guys are sickening and they belong in prison. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzMMCA3mmGk