My adult terribly angry at his TBM Father for many years.

There is HUGE tension between Father and Son. My son talks to me about his anger issues, but he can not bring himself to directly tell his Dad how he feels/thinks about his animosity towards his Dad.

My Son has told me that he no longer wants a significant relationship with his Father. I told him I would respect his decision, but asked him if he wanted to cut all ties, or just keep things superficial/cordial.

He is not sure, so I suggested he just play it cool. He blurted out..."Mom he will not change!" My Son is absolutely right, everything has been centralized in my ex's life to be about him and his needs.

A recent conversation with ex gravitated to how our Son has not forgiven him for something that happened in past (he focused on one event, when there had been numerous reasons why our Son would reject a relationship) and he should just GET OVER IT.

The major incident my ex is referring to damaged our Son physically for the rest of his life due to his choice.

The TBM ex is acting as if I should do something to make our Son forgive him.

I told him (and Son) the relationship between the two of them is THEIR responsibility. Our Son is no longer a child and Ex TBM spouse needs to stop acting like a child and getting all offended that there is still anger involved.

There is no getting over an past incident that has a PERMENANT physical disability! The ex does not understand the constant damage that he has put on our son emotionally and physically trying to push him thru his teenage years to be the son he really wanted. The son he could not BE due to his disability.

I was internally screaming....you selfish idiot! This is not about you! The ex just wants the son to forgive him, but has never been concerned for our Son's wellbeing and happiness.

Guess what you idiot? This is not about you! This is about empowering him to be the best man HE can be inspite of you constantly beating him down in every way, reminding him of all the things he can not do and how disappointed YOU are about an accident you played a part it!!!

I am so frustrated with the ex playing the pseudo role of Priesthood leader living in HUGE hypocrisy! He acts like he has always been the loving leader and the moral compass all these years. Oh the stories I could tell. The cheating, the lying, the stealing.,...

Grrrr..ok vent over.

RMM

Sorry for the typos, I should have proof read...I was upset.
That story is about my adult son...sorry for the rambling.

RMM

If I were him, I'd distance myself, maybe be cordial or cut him off totally. When my ex came blasting out of the closet, he abandoned his children, too. The only use he saw for his children was to hang onto the boyfriend he had at the time. I refused to allow him to take them around the boyfriend. I think my ex was afraid enough of me that he didn't take them around him. He now thanks me for doing that as the boyfriend was a problem. He could see his kids any time and call them any time, but not with the boyfriend. He always chose going places with the boyfriend over his children. He told his kids they had to respect him. His mormon family even told me I had to teach his kids to respect him and I told them--he has to earn their respect. One time my ex was yelling at me for something and my son yelled at him. My ex said, "When are you going to treat me with respect?" My son said, "When you treat my mother with respect."

Some years later, my ex's new partner told him he was going to lose his children as they were getting old enough to decide if he was in their lives or not, that he couldn't keep treating them the way he was. I also had a boyfriend in my life and my kids liked the boyfriend and liked doing things with him. My ex had to rethink how he was acting. It really did change everything. My kids and their dad now have a good relationship. It isn't always perfect, but he stops and thinks about what he has to lose if he doesn't treat THEM with respect.

Your ex seems to think he has a right to be respected just because he is the biological father or because he is TBM. (That sure seems to be an attitude with TBMs.) Your son is better off keeping his distance. I'm sure that is probably a really difficult choice for him. I had to finally draw a line in the sand with my sisters and I miss them, but the negative overshadowed the positive. Every once in a while I'll think they have learned something from how they treat me, but I let them get back into my life a little and they are back to their old tricks. It is a very difficult choice to make.

I posted on the other thread about my TBM daughter. Last summer I did cut her off. I can't again. It was too difficult, but I told her in no uncertain terms how I expected to be treated and she has done a good job of treating me with respect since.

TY Cl2,

Yes! There is most definitely and attitude with my ex due to his biological connection and LDS life.

Our son has told him many times why he has become distant over the years. His Dad has verbally and emotionally abused him over the years.

Recently our Son has told me that he heard his Dad and his new gf arguing on the speaker phone. My Son stated that the arguments sounded exactly the same between his Dad and I..the same sort of conversations about ex being condescending and demanding.

I was happy with my son told me the gf told his Dad to stop and indicated she was not taking his BS. Good for her! It took me years to learn to be assertive!

My son is still learning the difference between assertive and aggressive.

RMM

I got nothing but abuse from my narcissistic father, and I feel like an idiot for having put up with it for so many years. When I was forty-nine, I finally wrote him a letter telling him to stay the hell out of my life if he couldn't treat me like a son. He chose to stay out of my life. And the hell with him.