Posted by:
Deconstructor
(
)
Date: April 02, 2011 07:01PM
For once there was a big announcement at conference today. The church unveiled updated 13 Articles of Faith.
Here they are, from the church website:
1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV.
2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence.
3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer & Savior.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Women leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the church was "Corporation of the President."
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, and so forth.
8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the most recent version of the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however.
9. We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God (which may differ greatly from what He has previously revealed) by means of a comprehensive market survey of members' likes and dislikes.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan.
12. We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, unless the law of the land violates the law of God as dictated by the President of the Church, such as in prohibiting the marrying of more than one woman.
13. We believe in being honest except when lying for the Lord, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things that the Church President tells us, we hope all things, we have endured many things such as changes in Church teachings and conflicting revelations, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is any woman virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to make her obedient, servile, and pregnant.
(Belated) April Fools!