I'm overwhelmed and so appreciative for all your comments,love, support and good advice. Whole new world I know nothing about. You all read inbetween the lines so well I don't feel the need or up to filling in right now.
To clear up a bit of confusion and answer some questions I'll say I'm from the PNW. The companion that went out with my DH was our son, who is 39 yrs old and has Down Syndrome. He is very high functioning but apparently his attention was on something else. I just spit on the ground!!! Damn I'm mad and hurting all at once...especially the thought of this!

Of course you're in shock, and feel betrayed. Even if you don't file, please see an attorney and be prepared. Know/copy every account and balance. Withdraw emergency money/get a credit card if you don't have one... The attorney will deduce the amount of your support based on a state formula-based on home value/retirement income... and support for your adult son.

Please value yourself/don't accept anymore verbal abuse about not being Mormon "worthy" and ridiculous insults. You are worthy of respect and happiness. If you raised that many children, you are a super strong, resilient individual! Don't remain with him out of fear of the future. You deserve peace of mind.

You people are incredible! You bring me to an over rolling boil of tears.

I'm in the PNW also. =)

((Solidarity hugs))

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are more "worthy" than your husband and this other woman. And how nasty of your husband to have your son along while these 2 are putting the moves on each other.Talk about unworthy!!

Please listen to all the advice about getting a lawyer,getting money out of the bank...hopefully it's in both your names...and making copies of anything financial. When my ex and I separated (we were married 39 years and have 9 kids) I took the 2 youngest and moved out. I withdrew half the money in our savings,took my 2 youngest savings accounts out,and paid rent and deposit on an apt. with the money in our joint checking. My then husband was FURIOUS!!! and I thought he was gonna hit me. He said HE earned the money and it wasn't mine. I'm so glad I did take the money because I never would have seen it. And I more than deserved it. He refused to get an attorney,so I had to have mine do all the work. Had to have his bank records sent to my attorney because he was screaming poverty. When we went to court the judge made him pay $1000 a month more than what he said he could pay. I loved it.

Little did I know,that during all this,he was dating and was very eager to remarry. I had left the Mormon church the same time I left him,and he was eager to marry a "worthy" Mormon.Our divorce was final March 2012 and he remarried May 2012. And he's been pretty miserable since. If he had taken the time to do it right,and perhaps dated,the outcome might be different. He deserves the nightmare he got.

Best of luck to you,and be strong. It's very hard,but it will get easier.

Just wanted to let you know I care about the pain you are going through and I hope you find all of the support you need in every way.

This happened to me, but she was a coworker and was also married. He lied about it until her husband called me to tell me what was going on. Keep everything you have that is proof of an affair. Find a FEMALE divorce attorney. Do not back down. Be scrupulous about telling the truth. It will make his lies look even worse. And also know that there is a future life for you that is good, great, wonderful and fulfilling. No mormon church necessary. Lean on your best friends, they will hold you up.

My ex-husband outright abandoned me 18 months ago for a coworker. He also outright abandoned me 10 years ago for a coworker. Twenty years of my life, four affairs total, all coworkers, two marriages to me, two divorces from me and I can't tell you how much sobbing out of his lying, cheating face about how sorry he was. Oh, and he proposed marriage to her an hour after our divorce was finalized. Your heart will want to make excuses for him but listen to your brain now as hard as you can. Find a baby picture of yourself and put it next to your bed. In times when you cannot figure out what to do, stare at that baby and make the choice that you would for her.

I know that the pain you are in is almost unbearable, the loss of your dream, the worry for what you stand to lose, for what your life will now be. It will take time for you to get ANGRY but believe me, that anger is your helper. Don't let anyone babble at you about forgiveness. That's way down the line. I would keep that image in your mind of him wooing her with your son there as your focal point. Additionally, these women are all the same, they're nothing special and they're all whores. She's playing a game of seducing a weak man by "needing" him so much, making him feel x, y, z. Oh, and let me guess... you "never" did x, y or z. It's about his fragile ego and her insecurity and has not one solitary thing to do with you. This is a sick situation and you will feel best when you have washed your hands of both of them. Prepare to endure an onslaught of assassinations on your character which is how a snake copes with his own terrible behavior. Ignore it. It's all lies.

I would advise you be very careful in choosing a lawyer. Mine ripped me off nearly as badly as my ex did and a divorce could have been had for much cheaper if only I had had good help in finding the right person. Ask people you trust for help now, in all things.

The loss of what you perceived to be your entire life is such a huge bitter pill to swallow, I know. Keep a very low profile and get your financial affairs in order.

Do not show that man your cards.

How are you doing, Whawha?

We're pulling for you during this hellish time.

He might have done you a favor, performing this stunt now vs 5 or 10 years from now when it is more difficult to recover.

Do you have daughters to confide in? Be very careful what you tell the children. Even though they are grown, they will still want to patch it up. Only you know the level of pain this has caused, and the trust that has been broken.

If you log on, just let us know you're OK. =)

I've been reading through the church historical documents on the joseph smith papers online site and I read the account of Joseph 'revealing' (so it should be early in the D&C) that an unbelieving spouse is sanctified by their believing spouse.

I'll look for reference later today when I get the chance - but it came from Joe himself: no need to put away (divorce) a disbelieving spouse.

1 Corinthians 7:14

D&C section 74, verse 1

If your husband goes ahead with this divorce, he is disobeying both the New Testament and the Doctrine and Covenants. If his bishop encourages him, he is encouraging him to commit a serious sin, since the only reason to 'put away' a spouse is for (unrepentant) adultery.

Funny how the church encourages it's members to go against simple doctrine, isn't it, all for the chasing of the 'celestial kingdom'.

This 'relationship' is so very wrong I believe your husband should be reported to higher up priesthood holders for abusing his position as home teacher and setting a terrible example to his, and your, impressionable son.

To believe in the authority of the scriptures yet to endorse or encourage someone to put away an unbelieving spouse is hypocrisy; to put her away and have a replacement in mind is adultery, according to christ the supposed head of the LDS church.

I wonder if he will change his tune if your turn the tables on him and let him know what a sinner he is by his own scriptures - not you; the innocent, unadulterous wife who's only 'wrong' is to lose faith. Your hubby will have a lot of explaining to do come the day of judgement if he goes against the doctrine of the 'one twoo church'.

Does your husband feel like he isn't living the life he wants? Maybe you should let him go. My hubby has been miserable since
I left and subsequently shared the information with him. He knows the church is made up but is an extrovert and misses the life he used to have - scout trips, being center of attention on the stand, parties etc. etc. I am contemplating just calling it quits so he won't be so miserable.

Well, I saw mine coming.

Like a train's headlight in a tunnel.

Hang in there.

There's lots of good support online - google like 'effect of divorce on women', 'post-divorce trauma', stuff like that.

I HIGHLY recommend post-divorce counseling with (of course) a non-Mormon, non-Christian, evidence- and science-based counselor who is also a woman. Look at the Psychology Today web site:

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com

to find a therapist in your area who specializes in this area. I found a bunch in my area, talked to one on the phone and we have a wonderful relationship.

You might also consider finding a therapist who could deal with your cult-exiting issues.


The first few months are the worst. The worst questions are the 'why' questions - why did it happen to me when I was such a good wife/mother/lover/companion? Why did he stop loving me? Why is the church so much more important to him than I am? How could my children choose him over me? Stuff like that. I hate to say it, but they are incredibly difficult questions to find answers to. Probably the most difficult questions you'll ever ask yourself. Organize your thoughts into YOUR story, the narrative of how this could have happened. When we go through this kind of thing we have to make the whole set of experiences more concrete so we can wrap our mind and heart around it.

I deal with bitterness, bad dreams, feelings of inadequacy regularly over my breakup.

Find a new support group - not online - real people that you can have real relationships with. You're going to find yourself either trusting too easily (my issue) because of a need to have something meaningful or not trusting at all (also my issue).

I hate to say it (it's always said to me), but it will take time and distance.

Also, learn new 'stuff' - like new favorite songs, places to go, sayings and slogans, and avoid using the 'old ones' that are only going to remind you of your old relationship and the pain you're going through. Find new places to hang out that nurture your mind and soul.

This is all part of building your own new narrative - a new story of your life.

Your life is really just beginning anew. Divorce can be liberating, freeing and simultaneously grueling and extraordinarily painful.

Growth often is. We experience the pain, we endure, and after it's over we're stronger than ever.

I will tell you that after my divorce I've become stronger, more assured, more certain of the 'whys' and 'hows' of my own life narrative. My story is the one I share with others when they want to know why I divorced.

"be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

You can make it, I know you can.

Excellent advice. Long term break-up last year. The "mistress" was prolific alcoholism and denial. Deception, financial devastation... I supported his children, two full time, a third half the time. He had a genius IQ but was barely employable, part of the time. He stole/sold my convertible... Enough was enough.

He didn't want to break up. It was dramatic... I had no respect left, zero trust. Since he was forced into sobriety, I knew the odds of that lasting were slim. He was already living with someone four months later, mooching off of someone else.

Life is too short to be miserable, or monitor another adult's behavior, or live in fear...

You will be able to build a supportive circle of those you can rely on. You might think it is too late to move on, but you can do it, and look back at your ex with his pretend priesthood "power" and the absurdity of pompous Mormons with relief that you are free.

What do YOU want from life? Choose some new goals and hobbies. Choose happiness and peace of mind.

Haveta ask: What's PNW?

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. My husband completely abandoned me and our children, and it took a long time for me to get over it--what I mean is get over the loss of the dream of a good marriage, my children having a daddy, having someone care about us. We didn't hear from him for four years, and now it's only a birthday and Christmas card for the kids. Looking back, it was better having that jerk completely out of our lives. My ex is a sociopath, and is a mess.

Reading about sociopaths might help you understand that your husband is incapable of love, and has no conscience. You will never get closure. He will never apologize, or even admit he did anything wrong. Much like the Mormon church, right?

By the way, it's true that "forgiveness" does not apply to your situation.

My children thrived, not having that abusive, critical, selfish father to bring them down. Having to work has made my children independent and proud. We resigned from Mormonism together. We all helped each other graduate from the university. You. Will. Get. Through. This.

The toughest part is the divorce, and the horrors that make you decide to leave in the first place. I considered the whole thing like a surgical operation. I had to have a giant tumor cut out, and it hurt. The stitches hurt a long time, while the wound healed, and I would get twinges, whenever I was reminded. The thing is, you end up BETTER than before! You don't believe that now, but your life will be better without that jerk.

Sorry to ramble. My point is that you must treat yourself very gently, like you just got out of surgery, and baby yourself and your children. They will be hurting, too.

(((hugs)))

Be strong...look at the last tax return and this yr's if it was done. My ex had gone by himself to do ours just the yr. before our divorce and he had withdrawn 20,000 from our daughter's college fun. I had no idea. Lawyer caught it. Thank goodness. My ex lived a double life for at least 18 months. Traveled with his job. I wish you peace and a fair fight if this is what is happening.