simply cannot be denied any more?

My spouse was raised in a very angry home. His parents regularly screamed at each other, and at the kids. Rage was the accepted mode of communication.

DH learned, on his mission, to keep his voice soft, his manner gentle, and in general, how the be the sweet person that he really is. And that's the person I love.

But when he is tired, sick, or upset about something, the anger, and the snippiness come out. For years, I have simply "stuffed" my own irritation at this, realizing that it was his default setting.

Now, I'm getting older, which in itself is terrifying. I have a number of conditions which combine to make it virtually impossible for me to live alone. I could probably get by for a while, but it would gradually become apparent that I just couldn't go on. He is by far the healthier of the two.

But these days, I am having more and more difficulty controlling angry outbursts when he says something snippy or rude. I used to be able to ignore them. Now, they get under my skin.

He has never seen me in full, uncontrolled "witch-with a B" mode. It would probably terrify him. And I don't want to display it, because when I do, it leaves me shaking and weak.

More and more often, he will say something snippy (usually toward the end of the day, when he is tired) that threatens to uncork years and years of pent-up anger that I have stowed up, just to avoid fights. My response would be entirely out of proportion to whatever he said.

He has NO idea how volcanic my pent-up anger is getting.

When I felt it many years ago, my ex, always hoping our son would become a jock (which didn't work out) bought one of those heavy, cylindrical hanging bags that boxers punch on. Many, many times I bloodied my knuckles bashing away at that thing. There was something primordially satisfying about beating at that thing until there was blood running down my hands. I felt dead-tired, but at least, the rage had been released and I was relaxed.

We don't have anything like that now.

I love my husband dearly, and I don't want to unleash the torrent of rage that has been building up for such a long time. He doesn't deserve it, anyway. It's way out of proportion, like killing somebody because they accidentally stepped on your shoelace, thereby untying your shoe. Does this make any sense?

It feels like despite my best efforts, the rage is working its way closer to the surface. I cannot afford for it to break through. Because of my failing health, I need him - both physically and emotionally. And he needs me. We manage to shore each other up in the areas where we are lacking.

Anybody meeting me for the first time would think, "What a pleasant, kind lady!" They have no idea what a homicidal maniac is lurking not too far below the surface. I'm not keen on it, myself.

So what do you do, to defuse something that has been building for years? I sometimes just want to run away, change my name and disappear altogether, though that would hurt him dreadfully, and as I said, we NEED each other.

Suggestions would be most welcome.

Is counseling an option or possibility you might me interested in?
It is pricey, and often not covered well by insurance, but there is some help available in getting it. For me, it was an amazing break-through in traveling to the bottom of my depression which was hiding tons of anger issues. I learned the anger issues were a result from being raised in an alcoholic home and not something that I had caused, created or imagined! Plus I not only learned what caused my anger, but how to deal with it and not "stuff" it.

The Internet is also chock full of information on anger, as well as many books.

There is a rainbow out there for you to find. Good luck, and keep us updated.

For me, I've learned to set priorities - pick my battles. It is about taking my power back and owning it.
I've also learned that nobody can upset me one bit unless I allow it. When I own my own power, nobody has the power to bother me or upset me or get me to go to anger. NOT possible. Nobody can offend me, for instance, as I don't give them that power. I don't "stuff" anything as I don't allow others that kind of negativity into my life.

It's also important to set boundaries and tell others you won't allow them to treat you in a negative manner. You tell them to: STOP. If they can't be decent and pleasant, they can go to their own room. Stay calm and tell the other person their behavior is unacceptable and you won't allow it. If they feel they must yell at someone they can go outside and yell at the moon! :-) You can do it light/ kindheartedly but stick to your guns.

Let the anger go. Really, send it off to parts unknown. I don't bother with anger anymore as it takes too much energy. :-) It's not doing you any good. Remember that their behavior is about them, not you.
Life is short. Find ways to keep joy and harmony and happiness in your life. Walk away from negativity. It is not about you anyhow!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/29/2015 01:38AM by SusieQ#1.

I agree. You've done an excellent job of explaining yourself in your post and with what you've explained of the situation, what would be the downside of printing out the OP and handing it to him?

I would recommend investing in another punching bag, too...

I would ask you why snippiness or rudeness could evoke a bloody-knuckled murderous response, if that's all that this gentle and loving man is guilty of?

You stated that you experienced rage with your ex, and described the angry family in which current husband grew, but wrote nothing about why you have always had this anger.

It seems straightforward, from your description, that it's surfacing not due to any changes in your husband's behavior, but to your own changing health and sense of powerlessness over your physical condition, and a loss of control over your life.

Also, there is anger when physical limitations occur. It's a sort of grieving process over the loss of the person you knew as "you."

Is it possible that feeling vulnerable makes you angry?

Be honest with him, and try to stick to "I" statements. "I'm very angry because I've lost so much control over my life. My options are limited and I no longer have the physical freedoms I used to enjoy. To top it off, I no longer expend the physical energy that used to help me dispel my anger. I'm so afraid it's going to spill onto you. It frightens me that I'm physically dependent on you."

Signed,

Been There

anonfor now, your response just blew me away. It's a kind of "straw that broke the camel's back" thing. very small and insignificant in itself, but when combined with years and years of similar stuff, I'm terrified of an explosion.

And your explanation of it in combination with my own frustration at my own body giving out on me - I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense. Of course I am angry with my body for betraying me. I'm going to physical therapy to try to get some of my function back, (and no, doing the exercises SIX times a day instead of the prescribed THREE will NOT heal me twice as fast! But I tend to be impatient.) Everything you pointed out is SO true!

And Susie Q, you gave me a lot to think about, too. I tend to be thin-skinned, and people - especially the ones closest to me - can get under my skin very easily. If I don't give two hoots about somebody, they can say anything they want, and I don't pay any attention.

Knothead, I had to laugh at your suggestion. I would LOVE another punching bag! But I would use gloves with it this time. I have often wondered how the ex got rid of the old one, when it had so much blood smeared all over it. It wasn't at all pretty.

The PT people are giving me more and more exercises to do, and focusing on getting them just right gives me a sense of satisfaction, as well as a sense of participating in my own healing. There are some days when I can get by with few or no pain pills. (Not a lot yet, but it IS getting better!)

Thank you again for being there. And Admins, thank you for not limiting the board to JUST Mo-issues. Sometimes we need to vent other stuff, and this is by far the best community I know of for doing that.

This isn't advice as much as it is an observation. Take it FWIW.

You admit to being filled with rage that you have so far successfully hidden. Yet it is your spouse who was raised in the anger-filled home.

According to you, your DH has no idea of the internal rage you feel. How can you be sure that he, as the child of rage, doesn't also have his own suppressed volcanic fury? If, as you imply, he doesn't know you well enough to be aware of your deep anger, how can you claim to know him so well that you know he doesn't have a similar (or possibly worse) anger?

Your DH could be me. I was raised in an alcoholic home with nightly screaming matches. Because of that and other factors, I have a repressed decades-long fury inside that often threatens to erupt. But you would never know it; I'm nearly always polite and civil simply because I'm afraid what will happen if I lose control and snap. Over the years, I've become quite proficient at holding it in. Maybe he is too.

Repressed anger can manifest as physical illness. Read about "hidden anger".

Being angry is not wrong. Anger is a normal, healthy feeling. The question is, what will you do with your anger?

Will you use the anger to be a snippy, snarky jerk? Will you become a screaming raving harpy?

Or will you use the anger to do something constructive- like make major changes in your relationship with your spouse?

There's no easy answer but read up on anger as much as you can. If you're not offended by religious writers- I recommend books by Thich Nhat Hahn (buddhist), and Charles Stanley (baptist christian), both who wrote books about anger that were helpful to me personally.

causing physical illness.

My mother used to bottle up her anger and the then periodically blow a cork over rather silly things. She was chronically ill and depressed. I think part of it was that she didn't know how to assert herself in a healthy way. And my dad certainly didn't make it easy.

If you haven't learned how to do object to someone else's behavior without flying into a rage, it doesn't come automatically. I certainly didn't learn how to do it at home. I read some books (about dealing with abuse or boundary violations) for ideas on address problems, and sometimes I have come up with what to say ahead of time and mentally rehearse. Most of the time, people are more reasonable and understanding than I think they will be.

Stuffing emotions leads to resentment, depression, and blowups that can destroy a relationship. (I've done that a few times). Worst of all, it creates a rift in the relationship if you can't be honest about your feelings. Obviously, it's causing you significant stress, or you wouldn't be posting about it.

If he's a good guy, he will care about how you feel and he'll WANT to treat you right, and he will be willing to try harder. Next time he snips at you, maybe you could say "please don't talk to me that way, it really bothers me." If he gets upset and discounts your feelings, that could indicate that there are bigger problems.

and it does come out sometimes. It usually isn't at inappropriate times if you ask me.

My daughter will sometimes tell me to "tell them" what they are doing wrong before I blow up. I probably blow up 3 to 4 times a year. My sisters blow up daily. My niece and nephews say they'd prefer their mothers didn't blow up daily. They and my son say they can actually tell when I'm reaching my level of tolerance.

Thing is I TELL THEM. I tell them over and over and over again and they don't listen. I can point out to them when I told them and they didn't listen.

My boyfriend says I go silent now. He knows when he has gone too far because I go silent or I leave. Then I will tell him later what it was he did and I state my "boundaries" and how he over stepped them.

I don't think that being raised in mormonism helps with this situation. I, too, have a lot of suppressed anger.

My boyfriend does the snapping at me like you stated. He, of course, has a lot of suppressed anger, too. I have told him I won't take it. I do leave when he does it. I won't tolerate it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/30/2015 10:33AM by cl2.

Mega Anon

Along the lines of what "anonfornow" said, sit down with your husband and *express how you feel, calmly and honestly*. If you can do this in a way that lets him know your purpose is to *bring you two closer together* (not criticize him), he shouldn't respond defensively. He most likely will listen and empathize and become aware of something he might not be aware of entirely, and you two will grow closer.

Good luck.