Posted by:
another person anon for this
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Date: March 27, 2015 02:27AM
Link:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201103/the-six-faces-maternal-narcissismI know you are talking about your wife, not your mother, but that short list might be helpful. From that list, my mother was psychosomatic and emotionally needy.
My mother just passed away. She was very old. I believe she was narcissistic, and used a variety of real ailments, including chronic pain, to illicit sympathy, attention, and get what she wanted. I had to set limits on what I would do for her. But it still affected me far more than I realized.
I feel guilty for saying this, but since she passed, the sense of relief has been shocking. I feel like my life is completely mine again. I'm more motivated, energetic, I'm thinking more clearly, and getting so much more done. Other siblings have reported the same thing. One sibling even told me some of their physical ailments have improved dramatically.
One of the hardest things about a narcissist who controls from a position of the martyr, is that you are never quite sure if they know what they are doing to the people around them, or if they are just too sick, depressed, or desperate to care. And if you don't rescue them, they might convince other people that you are neglectful and unloving, and enlist them to pressure and cajole you to do more. Needless to say, that causes problems between members of the family.
Your wife might benefit from an anti-depressant. My mother was helped quite a bit at the end by that, and a times she seemed a different person.
I suggest you start making your life better, with or without her, by deciding on some things you want to do. By yourself, and for yourself. If I'm reading this right, if you have her along, she'll sabotage the outing, or ruin your good time, and then spend the next couple days guilting you about how it wore her out. You need a break from your caretaker role. In fact, when WAS anything ever about you? Take a evening off by yourself. Or a weekend.
I suggest you confront her about at least some of her complaints. My mother usually melted into a puddle of tears and acted like she was crushed when anyone tried to call her on anything, but I found it still improved behavior for a while.
I also suggest counseling. For you and as a couple.
Just a few things I'm curious if we have in common:
*I don't think my mother was capable of deep emotional connection to other people. I think the only way she connected was through getting (never giving) attention or sympathy. Most other emotions she expressed seemed superficial.
*I believe that we, her children, were completely interchangeable. I think we were interchangeable with her caretakers as well. I don't believe she cared who she was talking to, as long as she was talking. I'm telling you this because if your wife is like this, she'll be okay without YOU. She'd be just as happy, or UNhappy with anyone who takes care of her. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm saying it to make you feel BETTER. My father took care of my mother most of her life. When he passed, she was just fine and her needs still got met. I'm not even sure if she missed him. But she has always found a way to get what she needs.
Ultimately, you absolutely deserve a better life. Having a one-sided relationship with emotional vampire who never gives back will suck you dry. Maybe she can change, maybe not. But YOU can.
*CAUTION: if your wife isn't the melting, guilt-wielding kind of narcissist, when you confront her, she may fly into an abusive rage. Have an exit plan to end that conversation. Do not sit and take it. But even if she does explode, you'll have more information on whether the relationship is workable.