I've had my dealings with several different kinds of bishops, and I've been the son of one. Often I would over hear my father talking with my mother about confidential things. I was always the more keen-eared of his kids. When he realized that I heard everything, he would come over to me as I was reading a book, doing homework, or playing video games and tell me that nothing I heard leaves the house, ever.

So it leaves me wondering about a lot. As I sit here, there's a former bishop of mine sitting across the room chatting with another gentleman in a suit. I went over a said hello, just to be polite, and then retreated into my private corner to eat my lunch. I felt stupid, because they ceased their conversation as I pulled up and all I said was greetings.

So in my anxiety, I wondered what my old bishop might say about me to his friend. Even if he thought he was keeping the most esstential parts of our closed-door relationship confidential, how much could be let slip and still think he'd done no wrong? How seriously do bishops take confidentiality long after they are released? They know dirt on everyone.

That also gets me thinking about the larger TBM gossip mill. Every person who leans over to the next to whisper something seems to think that that person won't pass it on, but they do.

Ward cultures vary so wildly from place to place. And the same one can vary bishop to bishop, or via boundary changes. I'm curious to know what other people's experiences and/or observations are on this.

I wouldn't tell a bishop anything that you don't want passed around. According to reports on this board, some bishops are very good at keeping confidences, but many are not.

Agreed. I think most would say they take it very seriously, and most probably do. However, I'm sure there are some that like to gossip, some that talk to their wives that like to gossip, some that discuss confidential matters openly in ward council, etc...

I know my FIL took it very seriously. He and my MIL have both talked about how being a bishop took a toll on their marriage. His life was dominated by the church, but he couldn't talk to his wife about anything. They were often apart, and they stopped talking when they did have time to spend together.

Anyone claiming that their family has been SOOOO blessed by having a father serve in s bishopric is full of it. I've seen a good number asked to be released because their family life was suffering.

There were several others who loved gossip so much that if they said the sun was shining, I'd be sure to take my umbrella with me. . .

I'm sure that most bishops at the very least are telling their wives all the juicy stuff. I wouldn't be at all surprised if much of the information ends up being shared in bishopric meetings or ward council. And then passed along to respective spouses.

My husband was the ward clerk (he was shocked by the gossip fest in ward council) and as he was cleaning out some filing cabinets, he came across notes from a church disciplinary court. He didn't know the person, but still! Notes on someone's 'sins' were filed away, and anyone who has access to the clerk's office could come across that stuff. Nothing is completely confidential.

My husband was ward clerk, too. It was his responsibility to write and send letters to notify members who were facing church discipline. One time, he left such a letter sitting on his nightstand. I assume he either meant to send it and forgot or was just waiting to get the bishop's signature. I came across it while cleaning one day. A couple of weeks later he told me that he had to go to a bishop's court. He didn't tell me who it was for, but I already knew. I kept my mouth shut, but not everybody would have.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2015 06:54PM by want2bx.

This is What you should have done:
When you went over to say hello and noticed their reaction to you -- you should have leaned over, kissed your former bishop on the cheek and say "See ya tonight honey", then wink at the gentleman in the suit as you walk away.

That would have given them something to talk about.

I was betrayed by my erstwhile bishop. He related a private bishop-member that I had had regarding my lack of testimony to one of his counselors.

A few weeks later, out of the blue, the counselor sees me at church and rails on me, "You will never get any sympathy from me.

My advice -- Never tell a bishop anything personal -- NEVER!

Your business is not sacred or secret! What THEY want to be secret is, what you want to be secret is not. NO RESPECT for your feelings at all.

My husband didn't tell me anything while he was bishop. It wasn't hard to figure some things out because people would call when he wasn't home and tell me details I didn't need to know about why they needed to talk to him. I have no idea what he told his counselors or the stake pres. though. However, a previous bishop ran everything past his wife, she ran the ward, and knew the confidential stuff. She came across as caring but she was ruthless. I was her visiting teacher and my husband was his counselor so we saw what was going on, but it took a while, they were very good at the game. There is no quality control in church callings, you get what you get.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2015 05:08PM by cynthia.

You would think that members of my old ward wouldn't dare try to damage my reputation when they know they have formerly confessed all manner of things to me, but they do.

I would never betray any of them but sadly that doesn't stop them
making up stories about me. Very sad.

Unlike the "vow" catholic priests take to keep what's said in confession secret, I don't think there's any *requirement* put in the mormon rules on bishops to keep anything confidential. What I've seen in the "handbook of instructions" suggests and encourages it in some cases, but doesn't require it.
So it's wise to assume that anything you tell a bishop will not remain confidential.

telephone

telegraph

telebishop

They dont keep confidentiality.

A Catholic priest, social worker, or therapist would never be half as loose-lipped as your father who was likely more careful than most Mormon bishops.

Confidential information is often shared in leadership meetings on a regular basis. VTers and HTers gossip routinely every time they leave from a visit.

Two others you couldn't. The real issue sometimes may be who's wife would I trust. A Bishop/husband may share concerns or ask his wife for a female perspective. If the two bishops in my family that I could trust shared anything with their wives, I never heard about it.

The other two though I heard gossip I shouldn't have (one from the bishop's wife, the other from another quorum member who heard it from his wife).

Mostly though the gossip comes from inside of quorum meetings from HT and VT who talk about the families they're supposed to be helping. Sometimes it's from seeking help with cleaning up a house of a member or help in moving; then sometimes it becomes gossip (so & so's children were caught drunk, found porn magazine in Jr.s room, they had a melted candles in a wine bottle, etc....)

Confidentiality is perfect when somebody accuses you of something via the bishop. You don't get to find out who the snitch/accuser was, and you have to defend yourself not knowing the accuser.

Bishop inspiration is frequently sourced from gossip.

These Bishops talk about your issues to each other to their wife’s, to their girlfriends, and boyfriends. You might as well put it on a huge sign in the center of your town. If you are stupid enough to go to these clowns with your problems then remember you called down the thunder now get ready for the boom.

I once had a calling to work at Girls' Camp. The bishop had stopped by the camp to pay a visit.

When he was there, I heard him jabbering away to one of the girls' mothers about the financial problems a family in the ward was facing....right where all the girls, and the rest of us, could hear.

I have had bishops who were like a father and some who were like Hitler. I have had bishops who were like Gomer and some who were like Andy, and yes they all talk about members secrets.

I am thinking what a sad thing it is to not feel that your clergyperson will hold the things you say to him or her in confidence. If you are a member of a church, you want to know that there is someone that you can go to if you are in trouble or need help that you can trust -- someone who will not broadcast your troubles to the world. Mormons brag about having an unpaid clergy, but in all too many cases that leads to a lack of professionalism. Confidentiality is a gift that a trained minister or priest gives to his or her flock.

...and laws they must adhere to. For example, they are obliged to hold things in confidence, with specific exceptions that vary among the various professions and legal jurisidictions. These include such things as knowledge of child abuse, the possibility of a client's/parishioner's self-harm, harm to others, and crimes committed, or crimes likely to be committed.

Do bishops have training on such matters? Do they have specific restrictions from, or obligations to, report certain things to appropriate authorities?

Apart from the type of exceptions I generalized about, above, an ordained clergyman, therapist, psychiatrist (etc) cannot be forced to divulge matters shared in confidence. Do LDS bishops enjoy such protection?

Let's provide a hypothetical example: An LDS couple is going through a litigious divorce, and one may have been adulterous (consenting adults). Could a lawyer force a bishop to disclose what was shared in private? He couldn't with an ordained minister.

If they don't want to report something that religious leaders must legally report, they say they don't have to since they're untrained volunteers.

If they want to use their religious cleric status for gain, they do it.

There are times when they say they must keep a confidentiality as a cleric and the next day they might say they didn't have to protect confidentiality because they're an untrained volunteer.

church leaders seem to think that by sharing the details, someone in the (ward council)(stake council) (RS presidency) will come up with a (magical) solution/resolution.

That's BS; the people involved should be taught, in the context of Christ-Like love, how to solve - resolve their own problems.

the 'real' problem here is the claimed (magical) PH powers, insight-discretion. That's BS too.

From what I have seen here, I wouldn't advise anyone to tell anything to a Mormon bishop that you would not want plastered on the biggest road leading into or out of your town.

That being said, many on this site have confessed things to bishops or asked their advice over sensitive matters. Should you ever find out or be confronted about anything you may have shared, I would advise treating the betrayal with utter shock and revulsion.

Don't address anything that may have been betrayed, focus unceasingly on how despicable and untrustworthy this Mormon bishop was in sharing anything that anyone told them in confidence. Talk about how you can't believe that anyone would stoop so low, etc. This is particularly important if this is gossip about someone else that is being shared with you.

These betrayals are designed to harm the person who trusted the bishop. Turn it around on the untrustworthy bishop and anyone else who isn't as outraged as you are. Give no quarter. Outjudge the judgmental Mormon and make it sting.

A former bishop moved up the ranks to high councilman and would come to our ward to speak after we moved. He would share stories from his former days as bishop thinking no one would have any idea who he was talking about--but I did. No nothing is ever confidential...you just become fodder for the "uber-righteous"to talk about.

I can totally relate "seeking peace" I can also remember hearing stories from Bishops,former Bishops, High Councilmen etc. where they would relate a story not using the persons name but giving you enough info where you could narrow it down to who they were talking about.They might say something like "back years ago when I was a Bishop we had a young couple that felt it was okay to watch x rated movies together, and he was an RM, serving as an assistant stake clerk at the time,they later got divorced and she remarried a non-member" Well just based on what the ex-Bishop said it wouldn't be that hard to figure out who he was referring to-and that actually happened-my advice don't tell them anything personal!

They don't take it seriously at all! Imagine my surprise in relief society meeting one Sunday when the bishop's wife used me as an example of why her husband was such a strong judge of Israel. Her testimony of why he was such a man of God. She knew details of our conversation and she blabbed all about it as her testimony! I would never tell ANY bishop anything. I'm sure none of them keep a secret. You never know who is listening when you blab your mouth at church.....