My former nanny, who is maybe eighteen years older than I 9I'm 30) and is, like me, an exmo, searched a former BYU-H roommate through Facebook. The two had been on great terms but just grew apart when my nanny moved backed to the mainland. Eventually so did the roommate but they never reconnected.

My former nanny checked the old roomie's page and saw that settings were relatively public. The woman seemed like she was still the fun person my nanny remembered, so my nanny pmed her, giving a brief synopsis of her own life but leaving out any mention of church activity. My nanny's small number of children and neglect of mention of having been married in the temple or lack of mention of any church calling or activity (she plays the pipe organ for Catholic and Protestant churches, but left that out) may have given her away as no longer being part of the fold.

My nanny doesn't want the woman to feel she's being stalked, and it would be easy enough for the lady to block her, but can't help feeling that as in so many of her former relationships with college friends, the friendships seemed contingent upon LDS church membership, and is considering calling the woman out on this. She says she's considered doing that in the past with other BYU-H acquaintances who have blatantly ignored her polite yet casual greetings, but feels more strongly in this particular case.

She said that she's considering telling the woman something to the effect of,

"You obviously have the right to choose whom you will or will not acknowledge or or with whom you will correspond, but have you considered the face you represent for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by ignoring my message to you? It's hurtful enough that a person with whom I spent a great deal of time now hasn't even the time of day for me -- even the time to write back 'please cease and desist' if that's what you would prefer that I do. Going a bit further, have you considered that I could be on the margin of LDS Church activity? What if your reply or lack thereof could have made the difference? Is that something you really want on your conscience?

"If you're worrying now, don't. I'm not even considering returning to full activity in The Church, but in addition to my strong convictions that the church is a total fraud, the treatment I've received from you and from other of our mutual acquaintances also still affiliated with The Church has left me convinced that I was never really a true friend to any of you and that any relationship I ever had with any of you was totally based upon our having membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in common.

"I congratulate you on your continued membership in such an exclusive club. I hope you find, when all has been said and done and we've all moved on, that it was worth the high cost you paid for membership.

Sincerely,
XXXX"

I told her that writing the letter was probably cathartic but that in my actually sending the message would accomplish little, but if she felt that strongly and really wanted to send it, probably little harm would be done though nothing good was likely to happen, either.

What do you think?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2015 02:55AM by scmd.

afraid it's going to get lost in the pile of technical glitches i'm hoping Eric can delete whem he gets to it

What technical glitches?

What do you want deleted?

If you want a post deleted, the best way to do it is to report that particular post (and/or any replies) and request the deletion.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2015 05:42PM by tevai.

From nanny: It wasn't a mere high school buddy, It was a roommate of choice and essentially bestie for 2 years, and the parting was friendly and due to me leaving Hawaii. It seems odd not to at least acknowledge the message, even if their is no desire whatsoever to rekindle any friendship, if only out of a desire for closure, whether religion is the reason or not.

it just seems odd that of the five former friends (counting this present one) from this period in my life that I've contacted over the past several years, the two who responded were ones who also are out of the church. I made no reference to the church in any of the communications. My suspicion, paranoid as it may sem, is either that they know from the mafia rumor mill that I'm out or my lack of mention of the Church speaks for itself and that's at least a partial reason for the lack of response.

I'm curious what my response would be if i wrote to another one and told them (truthfully) that I just helped out by accompanying the local stake choir at a function when they were in a pinch. I wonder if the thought process would then be, "Maybe she'll come back if we fellowship her through Facebook?" It's just odd to me.

Seems like the nanny is making some pretty heavy assumptions just based on someone's silence. Maybe the old roommate is on an extended vacation. Who knows why there is no reply?

My former nanny knows the person has been active on Facebook in the time since the message was sent because the person's settings are so public. I told her to give it a bit more time because the old roomie may not know what to say and may be contemplating how nest to reply. For the record, I told my former nanny she should leave well enough alone, but I wanted to see if anyone here felt differently.

A lack of response is not the same as an actual negative response.

I check Facebook regularly, but I don't really "look around" the page much. If someone sent me a private message, I'm not sure I'd notice it. In fact, that has happened to me. I noticed a message to me that had been sent MONTHS before. I replied and explained once I did see it.

I would just assume the person didn't see the message until you really know otherwise.

But relationships DO change over time. Tis a fact of life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2015 10:18AM by seekyr.

They will probably think the person left the church due to being easily "offended" and never had a real testimony... It may even seem like a compliment, for being super special, being in the only true country club, God's favorite.

Why assume malice in this case?

I occasionally get missives from people I haven't spoken to since high school. A lot of them I don't respond to, for a host of reasons. Impugning that she's ignoring you due to church differences is a mighty big leap to make.

She really doesn't know why the person hasn't responded. I think facebook might actually nag the unresponsive friend if she does nothing. I'm just saying that because I have personally ignored some friend requests for quite a while, and I got reminded repeatedly. Part of that is that I just don't like facebook all that much. For all you know, maybe this person doesn't remember her or recognize the picture. Maybe she should change her profile pic to a college-aged one for a while.

What good would be accomplished if she responded to her non-responding friends in an accusing way? They probably would admit nothing (even if the reason does have to do with the church), and it would make them want absolutely nothing to do with her EVER. It would reinforce their idea of the bitter and easily offended exmo.

If she really wants to connect, the best way would be to wait for a couple of weeks, and maybe send one more message or friend request. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, I think I sent you a message/request, and I'm wondering if it got lost or something."

There very well might be no malice involved, but barring anything unusual -- i.e. head trauma, early-onset Alzheimer's. other neurological condition, none of which seem to be the case from the person's lifestyle as represented by FB postings -- it would be highly unusual at the age of almost fifty NOT to remember a person who slept in a bedroom with you and no one else for two years minus some school vacation times, with whom you ate cafeteria meals when you roomed together in the dorms and with whom you shared groceries when you were off-campus roomies, attended social events with you, and with whom you had in common a couple of time-intensive extracurricular activities to forget your existence even if you look different than you did between the ages of nineteen and twenty-one.

I won't conclude, as my nanny has that church membership or lack thereof absolutely has to be the explanation. I'm just agreeing with her that not to have acknowledged the contact after several weeks was odd behavior no matter what the motivation.

I have vague early memories of the woman myself because she was around our house from time to time once her friend moved into our house again. My dad was her bishop, and a couple of pictures I came across have both me and nanny's friend in them.
I wish my dad or mom were on FB, as i'd have one of them message the girl. I suspect they would get a response, supporting my nanny's point. But who really knows . . .

Being active on facebook doesn't mean you've seen messages. It is possible to completely turn off message notifications, after all. And if you aren't friends, now facebook says that messages don't always get delivered unless you pay their 99 cent (or whatever it is fee).

Assuming she is avoiding answering the message isn't really justified in the circumstances.

I wouldn't assume that Mormonism is the reason that the college friend has not responded. Some people are more focused on what is going on in their lives right now than they are re-establishing a connection with someone they knew 30 years ago.

I recently added two friends, one from high school and one from college. Both added me with a warning that they don't post very frequently. They both warmed up once they realized that I wouldn't spam their feeds with multiple posts daily. I think that people can just be getting very cautious about who they add.

I agree with the comments here - you can't really know that it's a rejection if it's FB.

Start over. Buy an appropriate "Thinking of You" greeting card, include a phone number or email. Imagine whatever you write may be shared, so keep it light, not too personal, and friendly. Nothing to gloat over.

If rejected, that hurts, we know, but vent here. She may also become an exmo, and your behavior now may help shed light on a dark existence.

If that doesn't do it for you, there's always the selfish reason to keep your anger to yourself. Don't show it matters more to you than it matters to her. Keep your pride.

If perceived rejection opens up old wounds, projecting the pain doesn't make it go away. Just be nice.

At the end of the day, being a nice person is worth more than all of the doctrine in every religious text.

lost in their spam folder. I don't have email notifications set up, so there have been many times that I've missed a message for that reason. Also, like email, I might intend to get back to someone, and I forget due to just plain old forgetting and/or the amount of other email I get in the meantime. Sometimes I don't respond for a period of time so that I can think of a response.

We've become accustomed to instant responses. Sometimes I wish I weren't tethered to the phone in my purse. I remember buying my first answering machine when I was 18. ETA: *That was a mistake. I liked it when if someone wasn't home, you called them at another time. Don't call before 9 am after 9 pm or around dinner time. That's what I was taught when I was a kid.* Maybe I'm having a get off my lawn moment, but I hate the expectation that I must be available all the time to anyone that has my phone number.

The same goes for FB. I hate that people can see if I'm active on messenger and prod me, AND I hate that I have done the same.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2015 01:47PM by Beth.

Facebook has an "other" folder where some messages go. I'm not sure which ones end up there. Perhaps once where you aren't "friends" or haven't "liked" their page. I had several in mine and didn't know they were there for a long time. The folder wasn't obvious to me and now that I use the messenger app, I am not sure how to get to it.