I've been lurking here, and there have been some threads on how to deal with Mormon family members. The consensus is that the Mormon parts of the family seem to dominate the others. They behave aggressively in trying to convert everyone, including innocent children, yet they vilify those who try to put a stop to the recruiting. If ex or non-Mormons stand their ground--defensively, mind you--the Mormons accuse them of persecuting the poor Mormons. If an ex-Mormon says anything that can be interpreted as negative about Mormonism, he/she is thought of as "following Satan."

I think this is bullying. I've been to too many family get-togethers, where the conversations are about Relief Society, callings, missions, going to the temple, gossip about people in the ward, etc. I even hear racist and homophobic comments. A Mormon prayer is given for the food. The women all wear skirts, including me. I'm still a sheep.

Here's the kicker--in my family there are as many not-Mormons as Mormons! It is about 50-50. Yet--no one speaks up and says, "That's racist. Shut up." or "I have friends that are gay, and I resent that." Even the non-Mormon man whose wife is Mormon could say, "My children are not going on missions." They don't want to speak out, because they are polite, they are at a party, they probably like the family, and they don't want to offend anyone. (Not offend a racist?)

The Mormon dysfunction and imbalance still permeates our entire family, even though half of us have left the cult.

Maybe the Mormons don't outnumber us, but they are a solid group, whereas, non- and ex-Mormons are diversified, scattered into different religions, or are atheist, and usually in a state of flux. New ideas keep people more flexible, harder to pin down and define. They aren't fanatics. They aren't at war with anyone. So the Mormons are more dense (double entendre) single-minded, adamant, and loud. Mormons are at war against their "adversaries" (their new word for apostates). They are trained in their cult, since birth, to RECRUIT. So, why can't the rest of us at least defend ourselves and our loved ones, with impunity?

I need to get along with these people, without letting them walk all over me.

Sorry to vent, but my point is, why don't we ex-Mormons just come right out and call the Mormons on their BS? We say it with a smile, or we could disguise it in a tearful testimony of how we KNOW the Truth about Mormonism. If the Mormons can preach blatant LIES, why can't we counter with the truth? I know parents who leave the cult, yet have their children stay in it. It is the parents’ duty to tell children the TRUTH.

No one has ever asked me WHY I left. Most of the people I know don't know I've resigned. I've been cowering quietly and humbly in the corner, when I should actually be proud of my courage and integrity. I saved my children! We're truly happy, yet I even hide that, so others will feel better, and to avoid bragging.

When Mormons ask, "What is your calling?" Or say, "I haven't seen you at church lately," I want to proudly look them in the eye and tell them WHY I left (I didn't want to go out and sin) and HOW I left (I wasn't excommunicated or shunned away). I want to say:

"I resigned from the Mormon church because I don't believe in it."

What do you-all think?

If I say, "I left the Mormon cult because it's a hoax." that would be confrontational. I hope that being honest and polite might open up the conversation to sincere questions, which I would be happy to answer in a simple way, giving references. Aside from answering questions, I've learned that arguing with Mormons is counterproductive.

I am a Never-Mo married to an ex-mo with the same questions!

I've endured all the gossip, all the church talk and never once has anyone ever asked me what I think or how I feel about anything.

I leave family gatherings really mad at myself that I don't call them out on the baloney. So, I'm really curious to see the answers you get!

I don't think I would go into why you left the church. I would just keep it simple, either, "I'm no longer active," or "I resigned for personal reasons." If people press and ask you why, just tell them that you exercised your agency because, "It's not for me." Or as SusieQ#1 puts it, you changed your mind.

I was raised Catholic. When I talk with practicing Catholics, I tell them, "I was raised Catholic, but I no longer practice [the faith."] I haven't had any trouble whatsoever by putting it that way. Of course, Catholics tend to be an accepting lot. The most common reaction is, "I understand!"

I tell Mormons who come around I no longer identify as Mormon, they then usually ask why. Then it can get interesting.

a Mormon says you need to go to church, stop drinking tea, or attend a church activity.

"I'm not interested" is a good phrase.

But what almost always works is laughing at them with gusto. "Ha-ha-ha! I can't believe you're stuck with that old calling. Poor you! Giggle, giggle!" Then change the subject.

My nevermo husband is so fed up with their antics that he becomes hostile after many years. So I can say, "You'd better not suggest that again to DH or you'll get an ear full!" Mormons tend to be a bit cowardly when they're cornered and they don't want to face a nevermo whose fed up with them.

I am the only one of an extremely TBM family who is not Mormon. When I see them it is on their turf. So I let them have their way.

I did make sure to say several times to several of them that I am not Mormon. It was not said as an announcement or a confrontation. It was a matter of fact part of another sentence. For example, "Oh I just see things differently now that I am no longer Mormon," when expressing an opinion. Then I would just go on with the conversation as if I had never mentioned not being Mormon. Presenting it as if it is important only feeds into their assumed power.

For me the mentions were important because although I had formally declared myself previously,my parents chose not to see me as not Mormon, as not having a testimony, but instead saw me as "lost his way--he'll be back."

The fact that you are not Mormon will then take a quick turn around the rumor mill and everyone will know. From that point on, whatever your contribution to the group, you will be seen as who you really are as you make it. That will make you feel good because they will realize that they have no control over you and you will know that they know that and it will level the playing field. Makes sense to me--hope it does to you.

That will also make you feel bad because you will realize that once you are an apostate nothing you say will be given merit again.

Now, what really gets my attention is the way you mention being in situations where the Mormons and Non-Mormons are pretty much evenly matched in numbers and yet the Mormons dominate and control with their agenda. It is no secret in life that those who have the nerve to just take what they want usually get what they want. Pushy works. Pushy works because they count on the rest of us being nice. We are nice, aren't we? Sometimes we need to check that.

"I resigned from the Mormon church because I don't believe in it."

With the deepest of respect for you and your contributions to this board, and therefore to me, this sounds unnecessarily weak. Rather than talking about what you DON'T believe, I humbly suggest talking about what you DO believe. But before getting to BELIEF, I would recommend starting with what you KNOW. (Actual, for real KNOW, not Mormon "know".)

How about:

"I resigned from the Mormon church because I learned there is a huge gap between how the church presents its history and the actual recorded events. Since the church was dishonest with me on things that can be fact checked, I no longer trust them regarding their metaphysical claims that cannot be checked."

Or, if you insist on one sentence:

"I resigned from the Mormon church because I'm convinced that the church is not what it claims to be."

Speak as a person who knows who she is, what she is doing, where she is going. Then, if they give you the deer-in-headlights look (the most common reaction I get from this kind of simple but frontal approach) take that as an opportunity to start filling in detail. Why wait to be asked?

[Reminder: I'm nevermo, so I haven't resigned, but I AM convinced that the church is not what it claims to be.]

Regards,

JAR

I have found it's basically, do you want a relationship with these people or not? If you do, you have to understand that you cannot speak the truth ("say anything bad") without them getting very hostile, defensive, and withdrawing from you. If you don't care to have a relationship with them, feel free to speak you mind.

It's not our fault, but we can't have it both ways. There are a very limited number of mormons in the world who are alright with you saying anything they view as negative about their religion. They are taught not to associate with those who "bring them down". I believe the cog-dis created but what we say confuses the logical parts of their brains and causes them to become angry. But hey, I'm no shrink, just my two cents.

But the last time my family started talking politics (assuming that we all agreed), I spoke up.

That put a damper on that conversation pretty fast. They just aren't used to dealing with a difference of opinion. And yes, in many Mormon families, belonging to the Republican party and bashing all democrats is just a given.

One of my siblings said something about dietary recommendations, citing the Word of Wisdom. I just told him I didn't consider that a credible source of information.

There was also a misguided conversation about homosexuality and conversion therapy. UGHH.

It was just one thing after another.

I guess you have to decide how you want to handle it, but I think the thing to do is to gradually start speaking up. I think as they realize that you are going actually participate in the conversation and possibly say things that they don't agree with, they may try to pick less charged topics of conversation. Politics and religion are famously dangerous topics.

Cowtowing to overbearing people and walking on eggshells isn't my idea of having a relationship.

Because discussions with tbms turn into arguments.

What I do now is if the tbm is really offensive, I cut them out of my life. I also refuse to go to anything at a Mormon church building.

Its war... Cultism vs normalcy and respect.