I have been emailing a man who lives in another country for the last six months. He is retired and lives with a woman, I am a middle aged woman and single.

It is not sexual. Occasionally I flirt with him, but it is pretty mild stuff, more flattery than flirting. We write about humor and interests. We now email just about every day and he usually responds to my emails first thing when he wakes up (due to the time differences this is in the middle of night for me). If I wake up to use the bathroom I will check to see if there is an email to him.

The problem is that I spend a lot of time thinking about him, and I spend a fair amount of time writing emails to him. I have been infatuated with him from the start, and thought it would sort of peter out, but it has not. He is more reserved than I am, and is now starting to reveal more information about his life.

I like the correspondence with him but having him in my thoughts so much is distracting. I have not felt like this in many years and I thought I was past his sort of thing.

Anyone else had his experience? How did it end?

If he asks for any sort of financial help, that would be as good a time as any to cut it off.

He worked from 18 to 66, I think he is quite comfortable in his retirement, financially. He and his gf travel quite a bit.

This is not so much an internet affair as an infatuation, and it probably runs both ways. If you have not met this gentleman, then you are becoming obsessed with your ideal of him, for you cannot possibly know the real person just from reading each other's notes.

It is nice to have someone take the time to read your mail and to reply with kind and interesting words.However, you must remember that this is purely a penfriend with a very quick postal service.

Does his girlfriend know about your communication? If she does then there is no harm in this, so long as people you are close to in real life are aware of your 'pen friend'. If it is becoming something more than that you must stop and take stock of what is happening in your life and why you are becoming obsessed and is it healthy for you to feel this way.

I think the best guide to whether something is wrong or slightly dangerous or not is to picture the scenario before the internet became available. If you two were pen friends 40 years ago, would the relationship progress or would you keep it fully platonic? Just because we have this instant worldwide communication doesn't mean we have to lose our grip on reality.

The internet has brought to many the opportunity to talk to and share things with people we otherwise would never have met. It lets those of us who are slightly disconnected or isolated from the 'real world' communicate with others and quite possibly learn something new. However, if we are lonely it is easy to become fixated and let our imaginations/emotions run away with us.

If it is all harmless and you can talk about your new friend to people in your immediate circle, like you would have done with a pen friend before the internet was around then there is nothing wrong with continuing your 'pen'/internet friend.

If you feel it is becoming like 'an affair' in the traditional sense of the word (romantic feelings) - would you be the 'other woman' in real life?

Your friend may be enjoying the attention and interaction just as you are, but is he doing this without his girlfriend's knowledge? Would you allow that in real life?

There is nothing wrong in having an internet penfriend, but until you have met someone in the flesh and watched their non-verbal communication, there is no way of truly knowing what that person is like. A letter can be thought through and re-drafted more than once, before being sent, unlike a real life conversation which flows with much less self-censorship.

Enjoy having penpals - they can be fun for a while til you both tire of each other, which normally happens eventually.

And what does his woman think of this?

Been there done that, but it was more of an internet affair. we met, and it was a revelation. ALot of what makes chemistry is undefineable. someone may be very good behind the key board, but their mannerisms, laugh, voice, and appearance may just drive you nuts.

I wouldn't spend a dime meeting someone in real life I met on the internet. They are always better in your mind than in real life.

Much like the fantasies many men cook up in their minds about how some other woman than their wife would fair in the sack.

Yes, I would call it an internet affair. Ask yourself, if you were his live-in girlfriend, how would you like what you are doing?

Consider that you may be doing this as a way of avoiding a real relationship. I think when you go after someone who is clearly unavailable, this must always be considered. Given that he is overseas and in a live-in relationship, he is clearly unavailable.

If you want a real relationship, find someone closer to home. Or make your peace with being single.

His responses are always above board. We have some unusual interests and it is nice to discuss them. I will never meet him, as he lives on the other side of the Atlantic. I don't fantasize about having sex with him...I am just madly infatuated with him mind. It is like a crush on a professor. The problem is, I think, my attitude, not the contents of our emails. I want to slap myself so I will see this as an internet relationship I might have with a woman. I don't meet many people with my peculiar world view, so it has been a nice bit of chance to meet him. Some of our emails are purely humor, he is witty and funny and we play ideas off each other.

I have not dated anyone in quite a while, I am just not that motivated to seek out men since I hit menopause. I had a very high sex drive and always had men around, and now it is so nice to not have them around. Much less drama and complications in my life.

" Much less drama and complications in my life."

So now you start drama in another woman's life? I see.....

If you are lucky, you will both become passionate, you'll meet, he will be beyond HOT, and you will have colossal s3x.

OK, don't count on luck. J/K

If he is with someone and you are not, it could end badly.

Actually, having sex with someone who is already married or living with someone would probably start badly, too. :o))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2015 05:13PM by matt.

If you feel yourself getting yourself emotionally involved, then carrying on with him will cause you nothing but pain. Why do this to yourself?

What you need is a break. As a gay guy occassionally developing romantic feelings for straight friends I can totally relate. Some relationships aren't meant to be and unfortunately that means you have to actively stop feeding the infatuation, even if that might entail breaking off the friendship altogether.

But probably you won't have to go that far. Maybe reduce the mail exchange to once a week. Maybe feed some competing infatuation with a celebrity or your cute neighbour or whatever. Find more pen-pals with the same interest, go out and get laid e.t.c. There are alot of strategies to cope with it but the bottom line is always the same. Your infatuation won't start to cool off until your inner world gets less of him and more of everything and everyone else.

And if you are close enough there is no reason he shouldn't be informed of what's going on. Agreeing to a once per week instead of once a day interaction should ideally be a joint agreement between you both.

I used to think it was possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. Growing up as young girl my best friends were boys. At University, my best friends were guys, but none of us had serious partners. Now, with a significant other, a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, well, that is almost impossible.

A couple of years ago, I started up a friendship with a guy I met here on RfM. We initially emailed, almost daily. He soon wanted to talk on the phone. Our conversations would go on for hours! I thought he was very interesting and I was fascinated with so many aspects of his personality. From the first, I was up front with my partner about the friendship. And I truly did think of it as a good friendship. My partner was a bit wary but very trusting as he knew several of my old guy friends, and he had met this friend too.

Well, it turned out that my "friend" started insisting that I had a crush on him. I don't think he had those types of feelings for me, in fact, I was sure that if I had acknowledged any romantic feelings, (which I didn't have), he would have rejected me. I came to realize that this guy is a real narcissist and is very manipulative. I also knew that he had a lot of women "friends" that he corresponds with but he couldn't let this go with me. He just thought that all these women love him, and I think it bothered him that I wasn't romantically "in love" with him. The friendship ended very badly.

I'm not saying that your friend is like this. What I am saying is that your emotions have crossed the line between platonic love and romantic love. You can either get a hold of yourself and remain friends, or ask and find out how he feels - but be prepared to be rejected. It is not likely that he will leave his girlfriend.

brefots,
I think this is significant---
"Your infatuation won't start to cool off until your inner world gets less of him and more of everything and everyone else."

That is it in a nutshell. From the start, I knew it was my problem. He is very circumspect in his responses.


former e-pal,
Interesting story. The internet does give people access to others in a way that could not be done before. How long was it before he claimed you had a crush on him? I am friends with another women with whom he emails and he is the same with her, but he discusses different subjects with her.

Two things. What do you get out of this connection?

What do you hope to get out of this connection in the future?

It does not have to be sexual, but is the situation RIGHT? Since when does adding sex mark the determination point of whether it is or is not ok?

You have defined your own problem: You spend a lot of time thinking of him. You spend a lot of time writing to him and the biggest red flag..you are INFATUATED and feel distracted. Feeling so focused on someone who is not available is not a good thing.

Define your options. Refer back to what you want. Do you want more? Do you want less? What is probable and practical?

Remember this is YOUR life. He has his over there. You are responsible for you and your choices.

I have had this experience and the best thing you can do is choose YOU first. It may be time to back off your communications or end it all together.

If the conversations are getting more and more intimate and flirty and he is with someone, back OFF now. Do not be "that woman" who thinks its only a friendship because sex is not involved.

The best advice I can give you, is let this be a jumping off point to motivate you to start something local with someone who can be truly available to building a real relationship and not one that may be merely a fantasy.

RMM

"He" is really an obese woman with a few missing teeth living in a dilapidated old single wide somewhere in Kentucky. He likes your emails too.

Just outside of Harlan, would be my guess.

"He" is really an OBESE woman with a few missing teeth living in a dilapidated old single wide somewhere in Kentucky. He likes your emails too."

LOL!

I met him on LinkedIn, where he has been posting for years, so I don't think he is living in a trailer! I don't doubt he is who he says he is. He is very intelligent, as is evidenced by his posts and language usage.

I stopped emailing him four days ago and I just emailed him that I was dealing with stuff and would not be available for a while. I feel much calmer.

Ten years ago I was in a bad marriage & met a female on a chat board. We started chatting in private because she too was in a bad marriage. We lived 175 miles away from each other.

We continued chatting for several months & we each got very dependent on receiving the other persons' email. We discussed a mutual hobby we had at first but then it developed into pure mutual attraction.

Finally, I challenged her to meet me when I happened to be in her area on a business trip. It was very surreal meeting in person. She was much more attractive than her pictures & I was quite taken with her. She felt the same about me also.

We met three more times in person & each time we chatted for hours & really enjoyed each others company, but we were both married. We never had any physical contact other than some nice long hugs.

Then, my ex-wife found out. She snooped through my laptop & was livid! I promised to stop all contact. My friend was heartbroken.

Three years later, I found myself divorced & looked her up. She too was divorced & we knew we just had to get together. Now we were free!

We met two times & had fun but the electricity was gone. I never called her again nor did I hear from her. It must have been a need we had for each other at the time.

Lucky for me, a few months later I met my present wife & have been in pure bliss the last 7 years we've been together.

And they lived happy ever after...

travis, that is interesting about the attraction dying off. If I am attracted to someone physically, it usually is consistent, even when it ends. He is a nice looking man but I don't fantasize about sex with him, it just seems wrong. It is his mind with which I have a love affair.

I just need to back this off a bit and get a perspective. I don't want to stop communications, he is a fascinating man. We discuss art, poetry, literature, religion, history, architecture, social issues, and more. Plus we both like silly bawdy humor. We expand each other's world view and that is a rare thing.

It was almost like when we were both married we represented the "forbidden fruit" to each other.

Once we were both free of our marriages, it wasn't as interesting.

I learned the hard way that physical attraction isn't enough. If the person is ugly on the inside the outer beauty disappears.

When I first met my wife I found her extremely attractive which almost scared me off since I'd had such a negative previous relationship.

Turns out, my wife is more beautiful inside that I could have imagined.

It is an affair.

Affairs aren't usually due to sex appetites. It's usually due to emotional needs. Doctors usually start cheating on the wives that put them through medical school because they no longer have any thing else in common to talk about. They can't share "how was your day" without making each other feeling separated.

Men usually look for a woman who'll make them feel smart, strong, virile, funny, etc...

Women will look for a man who will find them sexy, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, versatile, talented, etc...

Sex is just a by product to show appreciation for finding that person special. Something is wrong or missing in this man's relationship; it may have become bland, boring or not what he expected.

You should be seeking an available emotional partner that can fulfill your emotional needs, and you fulfill his.

It ___is___ an affair. But you do not want to believe this.

He is cheating on his wife/woman with you.

What has SHE ever done to you that you should steal her man's Emotional Energy from her?

matt Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It ___is___ an affair. But you do not want to
> believe this.
>
> He is cheating on his wife/woman with you.
>
> What has SHE ever done to you that you should
> steal her man's Emotional Energy from her?


Jesus, just call me a slut and be done with it.

I DID say I backed off from the whole situation.

And I was not stealing his emotional energy, he gave me his thoughts. Isn't it a mormon thing that women are the temptation to the poor innocent man?

He has never criticized his partner, I know they travel and take day trips, and he seems happy with their life.

I am NOT calling you a slut.

Interesting that YOU come up with that definition of yourself, when the possibility of you being a slut had never even crossed my mind.

You asked the question "is this an internet affair?"

You would have saved everyone a lot of time and effort had you presented us with the answer that you wanted ("No, this is not an internet affair") rather than getting all out of shape and cross when people gave you answers that you didn't want to hear.

If you feel you might get answers you don't want or don't like, don't pose the question in the first place, OK? ;o))

I think it should be obvious to you that the behaviour of this man - writing to multiple women as he does - may be considered by others to be emotional affairs. You have even questioned it yourself. Some people consider pornography use as emotional affairs that "steals Emotional Energy", as matt put it, from their spouse or partner.

It would be interesting to know if your email friend has told his girlfriend about you or the other women he corresponds with. If he hides these women friends from her, it may be a serious red flag. My friend was separated from his spouse of many years when we started corresponding. However, that he talked to all these women via the internet was one reason why she left him. It is my understanding that he now has a serious girlfriend but he still follows his old behaviours and seeks out women to correspond with. Is your friend being honest with his girlfriend? If not, then matt is right and you have to ask yourself if you are contributing to the dishonesty of your frind.

Not judging. It's crossed your mind. No one here can make you feel better or worse.

Affairs are not only about sex.

Not judging. In my experience, no matter how they start and no matter how they end, it's bad for everyone involved. But that's just my experience, so it's not universal.