I have been a lurker for several years and never been able to post due to my employment situation. Now I am free from that and have a challenging situation.

I was BIC and my wife joined the church right before we were married. We went through the motions for 20 years before realizing we didn't have to be a part of TSCC. The whole family left the church 2-3 years ago with the exception of one child (I use the term "child" as a generic pronoun, not as a demeaning description of an otherwise smart and energetic young adult.)

This child decided that the best way to rebel against the parents was to go on a mission. Leading up to leaving on a mission, this child was never TBM and never really lived the lifestyle like TBM's would. They never commented on how they wanted to bring others into the gospel. The interest was more to learn a second language and to have an adventure. So, I don't get the sense that the desire to be on a mission is fueled by religious belief, but more from a stubborn desire to rebel and to have a coming of age adventure.

For those who have been on missions and can speak first hand, how can I as their father communicate and influence this missionary in a way so they do not get sucked into the brainwashing? What would be most effective from your experience? I have no problem breaking mission rules as I am under no obligation to TSCC. So, I will happily send a burner cell phone, disguised books and other contraband if the missionary will accept it. I also plan of taking vacations to the mission area to have personal contact.

I would really appreciate insight as I, myself, never went on a mission.

This is a though one. I went on a mission myself having "served" for two years in the Philippines. I've been out for 13 years now and I'm not sure what you could say or do to help your son see the truth for what it really is.

If he has a testimony of the church then perhaps there are ways to get him to look at things in a different light. I was amazed at how little I knew of the Nauvoo expositor (4 years of seminary and a year of institute) and how significant of a document it was. If you do some research on it you will know more about church history than most mormons know because they will not allow themselves to see what really happened. I used to have missionaries over for dinner and I printed out a copy of the nauvoo expositor and asked them to read it and circle the lies and other falsehoods they found. When they came back to discuss it they did not read it. One thing led to another and a couple of visits later I told those boys that they were being used by the church. I was willing to provide them with a ticket home and a trip to the airport. They did not take me up on it BUT one of the elders left a couple weeks later for home.

It can be done.

I WISH I had met someone on my mission that could talk to me honestly about the church and what I was involved with. I wish even more that I could have gone home early to a family that loved me and would welcome me home. Even more than that I wish that my family could have helped me see the cult for what it is and helped me out of that situation. Your son is very lucky to have you. You are willing to help him home and will be welcoming to him when he arrives.

Your son may feel that he needs permission to leave from the church and he does not. He is not a slave. He can leave any time he wants. The choice is his to make.

Good luck.

For some reason I feel very compelled over your plight. I am lucky in that my own son left the church with me and when He reached missionary age his TBM mom (we were divorced) did not force him to go.

If I was in your shoes I'm not sure what I would do. Watch "the Matrix" with him? The reality he knows is nothing more than slavery and servitude. I wonder if I would try to get him to talk about scientologists and what he would say to an active scientologist to break them out of the cult they are in? Then comes the realization that, from our perspective, mormons are no different.

It is tough, and it must be heartbreaking. The bottom line is: YOU are there for your son to love and accept him no matter what he believes. Do not push him away even though he may be a morgbot. Love him. Accept him. Your example will be the biggest reason why he leaves the cult. It will be hard for him to reconcile how his apostate parent can love and accept him no matter what. Mormon love is conditional and that will put you above them, and that can't happen in his brainwashed mind.

Your example can help crack him out of the cult.

Send them an iPod or tablet with wifi or if you wanna get fancy 3g.. My iPhone is what keeps me sane on my mission, although I would rather have parents like you..

Hassan writes that the best way to reach a cultist is to appeal to the genuine identity that the cult identity has subsumed.

Many years ago, a cousin joined the moonies. Here mother and sister kept in communication but avoided direct criticism of the group as it would have resulted in her cutting off communication and driving her further into the cult identity.

They wrote cconsistently and talked on the phone when permitted. They were allowed to visit her twice (she was in another state) because group leaders didn't view them as a threat. Their concentrated on reminding her of who she had been (and still was) underneath the cult identity.

They reminded her of family vacations, events, pets, traditions, etc. They sent her favorite foods with a note about how they used to serve it at certain holidays. They wrote about seeing a HS teacher who said to tell her hello and "remember how you enjoyed reading the classics in her class..." Her sister wrote about much she had appreciated her older sister's advice and "I'm thinking about cutting my hair, do you think it would look good a certain way?" They sent her updates on family and friends. They got other concerned family and friends to do them same. They ignored religious rants and criticism of their lifestyle.


The point is to reach under the cult overlay to the person underneath.

My cousin did eventually leave the cult, something that would not have been possible without the hard work her family did to maintain relationships.

Sometimes the best strategy is an oblique one.

I think it is counterproductive for you to overtly try to influence him to leave or doubt while on a mission. Since you believe that this rebellion is against you, I would remove anything for him to rebel against. I think there will be plenty of items on the mission itself that causes him to have doubts.

Instead I would write to him weekly with upbeat letters about what you are up to and all the funny little events that happen in a family on a regular basis. Make your letters positive. Avoid any criticism of TSCC. In fact, I would not even mention TSCC.

Assure him that you see him as an adult now and believe he is free to choose the path he wants to follow in life and that you will always be there for him. Send him care packages of all the things you know he will appreciate while in the mission field and things that you know are special favourites.

Do tell him that you are there for him if he ever needs you and that you are only a phone call away and that you will move heaven and earth to help him if he needs you. I would not even suggest that that would mean helping him to leave early. Let him interpret it as he will. I would suggest all of you in the family keep up the same type of regular contact. Ask your kids to tell him things that they are looking forward to doing with him when he comes home

You and the rest of the family are out now. He knows that and once he feels that caring from all of you and no criticism of what he is doing, he may feel less defensive and open his mind up to actually thinking critically about the situation he is in and what he wants for his future. It will be easier for him to leave TSCC either before or after his mission is over if he feels you are not pushing him to do so. It will be easier for him to leave and save face if he believes you accept what he is doing now..

One of my kids right went to work in Africa right after college. It wasn't mission oriented, rather service, but it was in very hard circumstances. I made a point of writing her long, chatty upbeat letters at least once a week. Her siblings did the same. Her dad, my ex-husband, rarely if ever wrote. She told me after she got home how the letters kept her going in very tough circumstances (unbelievable heat, poverty and food). I think her relationship with her dad never recovered because she felt he didn't even care enough for her to drop her a letter. By the time he died several years ago, they had not spoken in a year and a half. So don't doubt how important staying in contact and the right kind of contact, is.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2015 11:05AM by annieg.

If you want to communicate privately, set up a free email account (like Yahoo, Hotmail, etc) and provide your son the password.

You can then leave each other messages in the draft message folder, and he can honestly say he's not e-mailing anybody, even his Dad using a non-church email account.

This little "hack" might be just the ticket to having a fun and confidential back channel to him. A little harmless "rebellion" will probably do wonders for his spirits too! :-))

When I was a Mormon missionary, shortly into the ordeal, I started to count down to the time when it would be over and I could go home. I think most missionaries do this, even if they don't admit it. I daydreamed about what my life would be like when I was finished: where I would live, what I would do, how it would be to date, etc.

You may be providing significant financial resources to your child to help him achieve his dreams. Feed the fantasies by helping him plan his path: attending college, getting a car, getting a job. You can help steer him on a path that will allow him to discover a path that he wants to take. Subtle nudges at just the right times can have a significant impact.

Some examples that would have influenced me: You know he is dreaming of going off to college. Send him a college viewbook for a college that has a program he has expressed interest in. Something physical with glossy pictures to help fuel his fantasies. You could send him glossy marketing materials for a car you'll buy/help him buy when he gets home.

Lastly, and I hope it goes without saying, but apparently my parents didn't get the message, love him and support him in whatever path he chooses to take.

Be yourself, keep in touch, and express your love. He will know if you have an agenda, so don't try to push one. Just give unconditional love so that he knows you will always be there for him.

The mission does funny things to people. Some people go hard core, some people are turned off by it, and others just move on with their lives like it made little difference.

He will not be normal when he gets home. It takes a while for the mission to wear off, sometimes up to a year. I was so glad to be home but it still took months for me to be back to myself.

Your idea of taking a personal vacation to the area where your missionary son is (presumably to see him), how can I put this..it would be like a parent suddenly showing up at the prom to see that nothing untoward is taking place. If I were the child my head would explode at that. Or like a sports dad who walks down onto the playing field during a game just to be sure the referee is making the right calls. Your son is off on his own being the young man that he is. In his place I would be furious to have my father actually turn up in person. The boy already knows what you think about the church and that you would step right in to help him if he decided to come home. Going to the place where he is would be a serious intrusion on him. And it would backfire like crazy.

I second this.

Showing up unannounced puts your child in the awkward position of violating the rules to see you, or rejecting your companionship in order to adhere to the rules. No matter what decision he makes, he'll be wracked with guilt.

Rather than trying to interject yourself into decisions that have already been made, I suggest you give your child a safe landing pad regardless of his decisions. Help him get started on college or vocational training. Sort out the logistics -- like FAFSA, housing, etc. -- if he's applied to and been accepted at a college already. Give him room to make his own choices, even if they are, from your POV, wrong or bad ones.

I can see your point. Kid wants to cut the apron strings and dad showing up may send the message of "Hey, I'm here to sabotage your growing up process."

But it irks me to no end to know that senior missionaries can have family and friends visit them like it's one big vacation. The excuse for the young missionaries is it will unfocus them. So senior missionaries don't need focus too? I see it as a double standard.

Honestly, how many kids who are close with Mom and Dad or brothers and sisters would have loved a day to hang with them? Seriously, what harm could that do?

To the OP I would say just consider how your son would view your visit. If it would upset him, then let him be. If he would consider it a welcome relief, then by all means have a fine day of sightseeing.

I would write long letters to your son. As a missionary we longed for letters. We wanted the connection desperately. We wanted to know what was going on back home. Seeing those envelopes with our names on them was ecstasy.

If he is on a foreign mission or in a very different culture, this will all go double.

These letters should be filled with what is happening in the real world. Things that would be fascinating for him. Things he would naturally want to know about. Things he might want to get into when he gets home. It could be a plot from a book you have read and your take on it. Maybe a few personal things. Tell him about a meal you know he would have loved and some of the jokes being told during it. Keep giving him slices of real life so he remembers that the one he's leading as a missionary isn't the only one. Make the words interesting. Make him long for real life.

And in the end, when he sends back a faith promoting letter, don't let that response get to you. The pressure to do that is heavy and he is young--much younger than he thinks he is.

In other words--make you and your relationship attractive to your son.

He has to want to know you. He has to see you as someone fun to navigate with. He has to see that there are other choices apart from the church. Let him see the dessert cart.

I would say take it easy on the mission and don't fret too much about the numbers. Have fun sight seeing when possible and try to have a guilt free attitude about not being obedient to everything. Draw parallels to Satan's plan and all the enforcement.


Other than that, if he is foregin, enjoy the people, the food if possible, and cut yourself a lot of slack because the Big guy God is pretty silent in your life too. So, don't feel bad if prayers go unanswered for months if not years. It's just the way it is.

Cool stuff that is happening in your life, details of hobbies, or movie plots, or other real life stuff will help him keep is mind off of constantly thinking church stuff.

If you have a story about missionary work relate how you can do all the super obedient stuff and it still doesn't matter. People make all kinds of choices, so don't fall into the trap that personal worthiness has any relation to results in the work. Just don't worry about it and be positive when you can. If so and so doesn't want the gospel... no big deal. Don't have malice towards those that reject his message. More that 98% of the world already has rejected it so don't feel bad. God has poorly managed the project. It's not what you believe, it's just the facts.

Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful responses. I will take them all to heart.

@Searcher, fortunately we own our own business with its own email infrastructure and our missionary has had an email set up in the system for a long time. We also have a chat system in place that I am hopeful will get used.

@Titanic Survivor and @Alpiner, I understand your points and will feel the situation out as we go. I broached the subject with my child before leaving. We often travel as a family for Christmas just for fun. So we discussed just making the mission location (stateside) this year's Christmas vacation. It will be easy enough to find a nearby hotel. We will see if it is still agreeable in 9 months.

@caedmom, For the time being, I plan on continuing a tradition we had when my missionary was away at school. We would often text (3-4 nights a week) late at night as I wind down surfing the internet. They were just short texts about the day. I figure I would send similar emails nightly, even if they are just received once a week. That way, they know I am thinking of them often, plus it will keep them connected to our day to day.

Again, I appreciate everyone's help.