I'm 51. When I was 23, my mom pressured me to start having kids. She was afraid we--well really my husband--would get too attached to having money. The first was a pretty big challenge--beyond normal stuff, whatever that is. The second snuck in with an oooops.

I don't recall any huge family, social, or church pressure to have lots of kids. I remember it from growing up. I'm pretty sure that's why my youngest brother is here. Even though the one before about killed my mom and she was told to stop.

I was out with my TBM friend who made it clear that she believes you have all the kids you can with no excuses. She pressures her kids to do the same--even though there's some serious genetic issues.

Were you pressured to have a large family?

on my wedding, my father in law said we should start having kids immediately (my wife and I both had 2 years of college left). we waited...and a great decision. FIL promised god would bless us to be able to complete our technical/difficult degrees with kids....yeah right. what a con. Kids require a tremendous amount of time/energy. No way would we have been parenting, late nights and early mornings and earned the grades we did.

luckily we didn't listen to that bad advice. we waited until we were both employed: so glad we listened to each other and waited until WE were ready.

Now I just wish she'd listen to me about how the whole thing is a con....argh.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2015 12:13PM by hopefulhusband.

Don't give up. I was 42. DH was not exactly honest about his lack of belief. He was obviously inactive, but he hates change and doesn't communicate well. Anyhow, I still kick myself for not waking up sooner.

You did it right. The decision is up to two people. Period.

I was *heavily* pressured to get married and start pumping out kids asap.
My mission president gave me that "advice" (more like a command) in my exit interview.
My bishop gave me that "advice" (also more like a command) upon returning, during my "release" interview.
My mother gave me that "advice" (still a command), advising me to follow my TBM brother's example (who got married 3 months after getting home from his mission, was dirt poor, and was trying to go to college full-time while supporting his now pregnant TBM wife).

Rather than follow their commandments, I left the church.
And didn't get married until 33. Had my first kid at 36, second at 41.
Now I'm 55, and we're having a "surprise" 3rd child this June. While I'm both ecstatic and apprehensive, this will be the last. :)

Wow. Congrats on dumping bad advice and bad religion. Super congrats on the caboose baby!

My nephew is following all that bad advice. He is selling his plasma for grocery money for the three of them. My niece is following the bad advice. The five of them live in a tiny trailer. Meanwhile their super TBM mom is sitting on a huge inheritance from her dad. Wonder if the whole multi-million dollar bundle will go to the church.

It's all about family--my a$$.

Dorothy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My nephew is following all that bad advice. He is
> selling his plasma for grocery money for the three
> of them. My niece is following the bad advice. The
> five of them live in a tiny trailer. Meanwhile
> their super TBM mom is sitting on a huge
> inheritance from her dad. Wonder if the whole
> multi-million dollar bundle will go to the church.
>
>
> It's all about family--my a$$.

Yep. My TBM brother, who followed the commandments and married within 3 months of returning from his mission and started immediately pumping out kids, was poor and struggling for years. I wound up essentially supporting he and his family, since I was working, single, and making good money. Even wound up giving him a down-payment on his first tiny cheap house in Provo. If not for his apostate brother, he would have starved.

I felt the same pressure like ificouldhietokolob. Mission President commanded us to find a companion at best within 6 month and not to wait too long with kids
Branch Pres wanted me to date all that is somehow male even his obviously gay son. Always like you don't need to "love" him love will grow between you over the time. What a jerk!
Although my mom isn't uber TBM-ish she always let me know i"n your age I already had 2,3,4 kids." And I should hurry up she wants to become a grandma.
Although I always wanted kids badly I finally came to the conclusion that I can get along without them in my life - especially since I lost one in late preg and my gyn discovered some huge myoma in ny Uterus that actually makes it nearly impossible to conceive and focused on my career instead of finding a gut to breed kids ( Not an easy process though) - That took off the pressure for me finally.

However nearly impossible doesn't mean totally impossible. Unexpected and although on BC I become accidentally preg at 32. With a "new" 10 year younger BF at my side. After I graduated and postgraduated and be stable in my profession - and a guy who not even got his undergraduate. So now in May this little wonder will enter the stage of life. Perfect timing anyway for us. Because it is a baby conceived in love and not because of pressure. We couldn't be happier parents to be.

I'm so excited for you. This is one lucky baby.

I'm married and I just turned thirty, so pressure is coming from everywhere to have babies. In-laws, friends, coworkers, even from people I barely know. The one person who isn't pressuring me is my own TBM mother. I asked her about it, and she said after having baby #1 at 19 and finally being an empty nester at 56, it felt damn good to be done with kids and she can understand why I don't want them. I've never wanted kids, my husband doesn't want kids, and I'm so paranoid about a birth control oops that I'm considering getting my tubes tied.

My mother always made it perfectly clear she only wanted 2 kids. She had 6 plus taking care of her indigent brother. Or should I say 7 including her husband?

My father wanted 12 kids. He had no clue what that entailed. He was the oldest child of 3 orphans.

They were always taking on foster kids. My mother didn't seem that into it, and my dad was never home. It was all about looking like super saintly mormons.The foster kids always left as soon as they could. Actually, my parents own kids left home asap.

I always hated living in a house with all of those people, most of whom I didn't like. None of them were people I would choose to live with.

I got away from home as soon as I could, too, Madalice. And I also wouldn't choose any of my relatives, either. I don't like them as people.

Every day I give thanks for living as far away from them as possible. Living on my own is so peaceful.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2015 10:01AM by noone.

IMO: the main reason for the emphasis by Mormons on having lots of children is that it puts success within the grasp of anybody. It is a way of cutting down the tall poppies, in a subtle, almost passive-aggressive way. By making "having babies" as the ultimate goal, it relegates any other achievements to fluff and nonsense. It is a race to the bottom. You are smart and I'm not? Well,that means nothing because I have children. End of story.

Tall poppies--what an interesting concept. I've often looked at parents in the while sitting in sacrament meeting (years ago) and thought, in what other context could that person find another willing to marry them? I guess I'm talking about short poppies, if you get my meaning.

Homely and dull folks are on equal footing in the church's baby race.

My mom was a tall poppy. The church, six kids, and an abusive husband took care of that. Those tall poppies aren't easy to control. Better get them cut down as soon as possible.

I think the pressure is mainly about keeping people trapped in the cult and pumping out new tithe payers since converting people isn't going very well. If you are single, it is not so difficult to leave. Marry a nevermos, wait to have kids and the cult loses their hold on you. If your Mormon family and church friends shun you then your spouse's family can be your kids extended family. Having two sets of extended family isn't all that much better than one extended family.

I am sure the cult leaders know that young single adults are the least under their control of any time in a life. While you are working at a job it is relatively easy to make an nevermo circle of friends. You realize the cult doesn't have a monopoly on decent caring human beings. The faster you are tied down to the toil of a young family, the less energy you will have to look up and consider the virtues of the outside world.

With me it never got past the pressure to marry. Besides, I knew I didn't want children.

Kimball once wrote something to the effect using the pseudo names John and Mary:

"Mary, John might not make as much as your father and you may be tempted to have more of the things your father provided, and therefore desire to get a job, don't be tempted to do this many marriages fail because of two parent workers. It's a temptation for men to associate with women in the workplace, Adultery may result. Mary's job is to stay home and make a little heaven for when John comes home from work."

"John you may be tempted to wait to begin your family until you've graduated. Don't do this, You may be tempted to think 3 is enough, perhaps 5 or 6? Is 7 enough? no, I was the product of 11."

"There may be a temptation to live with the inlaws. It's better to live in a tent with your independence than live with your inlaws."
1978 BYU devotional,



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2015 01:39PM by poopstone.

I happen to agree with that third statement.

Given the choice between the in-laws and the tent, I'll take the tent. I see a lot of spectacularly ill-prepared couples live with in-laws; it cripples their development and understanding of operating in modern society.

agreed, There's probably always be some kind of basement apt that should be cheap enough to afford (especially with if a couple can get benefits). And then there can be an exercise of independence.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/28/2015 03:22PM by poopstone.

So Kimball thinks
"Mary's job is to stay home and make a little heaven for when John comes home from work."

Well, I did this for my husband, but his heaven was oftentimes my prison. Where is the woman's heaven? The thing I wanted most was to get out of the house for a while and leave the kids with him. A little freedom, if you please.

Maybe I will find my true reward in the celestial kingdom where I get to be pregnant for time and all eternity, and watch out the window for my very busy polygamous husband who's just exhausted from the hard work of impregnating all my millions of sister wives. That will be my reward. Oh, the beauty and everlasting supernal joy of it all!

Yes, I had intense pressure from my mother and grandmother to have a ton of kids as fast as we could.


Even after I had four kids and a complete hysterectomy, my grandmother pressed me to have more kids. (Good thing she was very lovable outside the topic of children)

No, not really. That's not to say they didn't want me to, but I was going to do what I wanted in any event.

It was obliquely brought up a couple of times; after they were immediately cut down to size, they were not eager for a rematch, and wisely gave up.

My sister and I both experienced great pressure to have many children when we attended BYU. It was unrelenting. My sister gave birth to 3 children, but had several miscarriages attempting to bring more spirits down to worthy families. She got a severe case of lupus. It is believed that pregnancy can trigger lupus. Plus the whole thing just wore her out.

Me? I had two and that was my limit. Pregnancy was hell. If the brethren want more Mormons, they can convert them. Yes, it's much easier for them to make the women do all the work, but then, that's always their game plan.

I married young at 20 to a 'worthy' priesthood holder in the Temple. 8 years later we still had no children because our marriage was in trouble and we were incompatible from the start. Finally had a boy and divorced 2 years later. Members were always questioning me why I wasn't pregnant. Got remarried to another TBM in the Temple who had 4 children from his previous marriage. We have a son together.

I was feeling pressure to have baby number 3 but I'm now 37 and started questioning the church. Even with 6 children between us, members still felt they could ask me when I was having another one. My husband pays a lot of child support, college fees and his eldest is serving a mission and the next is preparing to go.

There is just no way I want to punch out babies until I hit menopause. Now that I have realised the church is a load of rubbish I can happily say never again.

There was a couple in our ward that had 10 kids, and I think they were planning on having more. Financially they were barely getting by.

That wasn't the part that upset me though. There was a KNOWN genetic defect in their family. They had 8 children with severe dwarfism. They kept having kids in spite of that. IMO they were being very irresponsible.

I had an uncle that suffered from a type of dwarfism. It made life very painful and difficult for him. In spite of that, he went on to have two children that he passed his dwarfism onto. I don't know those kids, but have heard they're extremely angry about their father having kids and passing the gene on. Their lives are hard.

We found out we couldn't have children. So we applied to adopt....and were very fortunate to have adopted a daughter and a son. They are more than precious. My LDS parents were over the moon when we got our kids. I am also adopted, and could not have been more loved and told I was very special because I was chosen.

RB