My ex is gay. He did not come out to me or my children until about 6 years ago, 21 years into our marriage. I knew long before that, but even though he cheated on me with me, he denied being gay.

It is a very hard thing to admit. We lived in Utah also, so that made it harder. He had to hide it even after admitting it. He is in a place now where he was able to start over being a gay man, and that is how they know of him there.

I had many times where I knew we should not be together, that I could never make him happy. At first I was terrified to let him go, thinking he would go off the deep end and end up with AIDS like the ex in the carol lynn pearson book.

Later on we finally had kids. That made it hard. But I told him to go, that I would be ok, that he would be ok. I let him go. I could not live like that either.

But it took him meeting a particular man to break up our marriage, and this man made sure it was known who was the most important person in his life and my ex's life.

Lots of grief, but we are friends, and things are so much better.

I wish I would have left him, since he would not leave me.

So, I would plan on a life apart. It is so wrong for you to live that way,a nd you can't force him to come out, so just divorce him because you and he don't love each other anymore.

Don t frame it as "your gay so I am divorcing you"\

With him being hurt and in the hospital, I would do it slowly. Be his friend still. But make arrangements that when he comes out you will help him but not live with him. Make your relationship a non-lover type and now dear friends who have been through a lot of shit together.

But you need to let him go, he will fight this for a long time. If he has freedom and knows you are ok, then he will figure things out on his own and in his own time.

I so wish I had left the first time he did something. My kids hve paid. I am not relationship material either because of it. My body is trashed, my emotions ar trashed. Get out before you feel this.

You're wrong about one thing. Anyone who could write something so gut wrenchingly honest and somehow hopeful--yes, hopeful--is definitely the highest quality relationship material on the planet. You are beautiful and strong and wise. Your kids are lucky.


I cannot fault your wisdom. Sorry you had to come by it the hard way.

I second what blueorchid said.

This is solid advice based on personal experience. Thank you for sharing it.

non for this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> If he has freedom and knows you are
> ok, then he will figure things out on his own and
> in his own time.
>

This was such an awesome post. But this line that I quoted, this is genius.

I agree that yours is the best advice.

You know.

Don't disparage yourself. Your children are lucky to have you. Take care of yourself, now the worst trauma is over.

We all beat ourselves up for not leaving a bad marriage sooner, and for not leaving the Mormon cult sooner--but at least we left. Kudos for that!

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. You've helped us today. Thank you!

If you want to access it, you need to have someone add you, but I think you can find help and hope from these women. I thought I was used up and worthless, too. I had gained A LOT of weight.

Ten years ago, the nonmormon guy I considered the love of my life got a divorce and we got back together. We are still together. He loves me despite the fact I'm not the specimen he dated back in 1978.

My ex hasn't had to leave Utah. Everyone he works with (over 30 years now) is good to him. I had the old secretary from his department tell me yesterday that he is like a son to her. He works with "macho" men and they all still treat him really well. I'm sure it shocked them at first. Everyone knows he is gay--and I mean EVERYONE.

There is hope. The women from wildflowers I believe have almost all found someone. Some I assume don't want to. I know Emily Pearson just bought a house with her boyfriend. Gemini--on this board--is in a long term relationship.

There is life after a gay/straight marriage. There are still dreams to be had.

I found out 31 years ago that my ex is gay. He left me 19 years ago. It takes TIME to heal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2015 05:58PM by cl2.

Thank you OP for the beautiful post. You brought up a a weird point that just simultaneously hit my mind today. He won't leave!!! Why?

He has not made it a secret over the years how miserable he is being married to me but, no matter how much he bitches and complains, he doesn't walk out the door! Five years ago I actually filed for divorce. He moved out. We went all the way to finalization and, right before court, I got panicky and sent him a text: "What would it take to stop this divorce?"

Not much later, he came walking back through the door without a word. We didn't go to court and we didn't get divorced. Instead we went for a wild weekend in Daytona Beach. wtf?

There is just so much about the dynamics of gay/straight marriages that I don't understand.

;o)

is like, which is why I removed my posts on the other thread. Just like people who haven't been Mormon can't understand US here at RfM, people who haven't been in a gay/straight marriage cannot understand the insanity. It isn't like a regular marriage. You can't compare it to a regular marriage.

I just read some paragraphs in "The Other Side of the Closet." Just about five is all. This woman was in a gay/straight marriage, and she GETS IT. I've been avoiding the book again because it caused trauma for me years ago, maybe because I was reading the truth??? This woman gets it.

I can post things from here until the day I die trying explain what these marriages do to the women, what they do to the gay men and I'll never be able to explain it. EVER.

Every situation is different, yet they all have many similarities.

Shannon, we are their mother figure. My ex NEEDS me more than I need him. And he doesn't need me as a lover.

They would much rather have someone else leave - so it's their fault, and they look like the martyr for being abandoned. But in reality, marriages are incredibly complicated. I don't know that anyone can really judge, even in the case of an affair.

Each person has their own line. Each person figures out what they can put up with, and what they can't. I couldn't stay married for 15 years without s_ex. I just couldn't. But that's an important part for me personally. Other people are different. Sometimes the financial, emotional support and shared children/grandchildren are enough.

Divorce sucks. As I mentioned in my other response - I think it's difficult even in the best of circumstances. But just because it's difficult, doesn't mean it's not worth it. Only you (Shannon or anyone else) can really know if you want to continue to work on the relationship or leave. Because only you will really face the consequences. Kids are impacted by divorce, but in the end, if the parents put the kids first, it's really not the worst thing for them.

the LDS church (and sometimes society) did us a disservice by suggesting that marriage is the only way to happiness. Also, for some couples, that a person could change their orientation. How many families have suffered because of this policy?

Sometimes our choices are between bad and worse. But at least we have a choice. We could leave the LDS church. And we don't have to accept the bs we were taught about marriage.