My mom just loves to watch those videos of missionaries receiving their mission calls. She re-posts them to Facebook all the time with an explanation that Mormon boys and girls give up 1 1/2 - 2 years of their time at their own expense to teach people about Jesus. Then she'll add something about "I remember how excited CA girl was when she got her mission call" or "I was so happy to see her again when she got off the airplane since missionaries don't get to call home or visit during their missions" or some such nonsense. She thinks everyone is SO impressed the kids pay their own way and that they sacrifice even phone calls to family - not realizing most people will wonder why the church doesn't pay or think the church is cruel to cut kids off from their loved ones for two years. But it really bugs me that she mentions me and goes on and on about how great my mission was for our whole family. I want to comment "Yeah but that's before I figured out the church was a huge fraud and got myself out of it almost 6 years ago. Nowadays I wouldn't recommend a mission for anyone."

The problem is 1) my mom is old and probably, literally, forgets I ask her not to do this. She's gotten much more forgetful over the last year. 2) Mom is old and lives far away and I don't want to upset her, even though she's upsetting me. 3) A lot of my childhood Mormon friends are also FB friends with her and I don't want to start anything with them because they have been amazingly supportive of my new beliefs, unlike my adult Mormon friends. 4) I know one of the reasons she's doing it to try to remind me of how I felt about the church during my mission - remind me of my testimony.

So basically, I've just come here to vent about a problem I see no solution for, hoping someone could give me some insight or just to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening - especially when some of you had to listen to me vent about this a couple of years ago when she first started.

I'll bet if you comment on her posts, she won't forget anymore.

I wouldn't say much, just something like what you said, but a bit softer. "Yeah, but that was when I believed the church was true. I left the church 6 years ago. Nowadays I wouldn't recommend a mission for anyone."

She's using your experience to claim success as a Mormon mother and simultaneously jab you emotionally. Old people have lived full lives. They are not as fragile as we all seem to believe. But MANY have learned to play on their age and position in the family to manipulate and cross boundaries without consequence. She's passive aggressive.

I don't see how saying something simple and factual about your own experience would upset your supportive Mormon friends. I think that would gently call your mom out for trying to mis-characterize you for a faith-promoting example.

She's definitely being passive aggressive but she's also been known to say what she thinks. I'm not sure how she thinks this will work - I never watch the videos because I know what those poor kids are getting into and how many of them will just see it as doing their sentence, not faithful, Christ-centered sacrifice.

That must be really annoying. My mom used to have the habit of talking about me to other people while I was present (not just a sentence or two, but on and on and on.) I used to think, "But I'm right here! I can speak for myself!" I would even say it at times but it would sail right over her head. I think she just liked to talk and was not great at editing herself.

My mother is in her eighties and is TBM. On a visit home a few years back, I decided to get my mission slides, yes slides, out of my DM's basement and take them home. We started looking at them and it brought back memories and I started telling my DM about the experiences I did NOT write home about, one crazy P-Day trip in particular. I could see the look of disappointment wash across her face. What I wrote home was not reality, what my Mom knew about my mission was not reality. I did not lie when I wrote home but I did with hold information. I felt bad for putting her through this. So as a result of this and other experiences with my unbelief and my DM, I do not bring up religion anymore to avoid conflict in her waning years. It is hard being a disappointment to my DM. But I cannot in good conscience be a mormon.

Yeah, there is almost a script to write home that you know to follow. Uplifting, funny, sounds like you are teaching and baptizing way more than you are, minimal complaints, absolute gratitude for the opportunity. Funny how those parents who served missions wouldn't see right through letters like that from their kids.

I would say, "I was excited because I didn't know what I was getting into". I was very excited to go on a mission. If I'd known what it was really like, and how poorly the church treats you, I would have never gone.

I almost went home a couple of times, but mostly stayed to avoid the stigma of going home early. My first year was fine, once I got used to the daily rejection and lack of personal time. By the time the sisters from my MTC district went home, I was ready to go. I think I would have a much more positive view of my mission if I'd left before Xmas instead of going home in July.

I work with people all the time and I overhear all sorts of crazy things. I've learned that Mormons think that everyone is super impressed by them and their devotion when in fact, most people look on them with pity. I hear the term, "brainwashed" more than once and these are nevermos saying this. One coworker several years ago, "Yeah, my sister is a great lady and the Mormons got to her when her husband died, and now she's so brainwashed, I don't even know her!"

I mentioned chatting with a patient one day that my brother lived in Europe for awhile (yeah his mission but I didn't say that) and they immediately said, "Oh I hope it wasn't one of those Mormon mission trips, where they bother people all the time, my nephew went on one of those and it's so sad, he was in France and he didn't try the wine or the food or the culture at all! And I couldn't call him either and he's my nephew! Mormons are just so silly."

most people are NOT impressed

One of my mom's best friends - they've been like sisters my whole life - is not LDS. We had a long talk about the church when I left and she said that she worries about my mom because it's like she can't talk about anything BUT the church. And my "aunt" is not impressed. She would agree with the brainwashed definition. Although she loves my mom still, the constant church chatter isn't making a good impression - it's making her worry about what a lifetime of Mormonism does to someone.

I can concur with this as a Never Mo.

Your mom. My mom. Never going to change.


That's why we have eyes to roll.

You're handling it the right way as far as I'm concerned. I don't rock the boat with my elderly mother either. Although her memory is excellent. Hmmmmnnnn.

+1

Taking the high road in deference to an aging parent is a gift given that will never be acknowledged. Nevertheless, it's the right thing to do and will spare you regret for causing an unnecessary conflict in your mother's last years.

But please vent here...it's good for you and entertaining for us! ;-)

God, that's awful!

The only thorn left about leaving mormonism is my mother! Everyone else pretty much leaves me alone.

Just yesterday I was talking to her and told her how happy I was with my life. "Yes, but you won't be happy," she says to me. "There's not just this life, you know, there's an eternity of misery ahead of you."

So I threw out some church doctrine. NONE of which I believe, btw.
--Brigham Young said that the telestial kingdom is so wonderful people would kill themselves to get there if they knew, did he not? "Well, yes, that's true."
--one millionth of one percent of people will be in the highest level of the CK, so I'll be surrounded by other people and most of the people I know and love. "Well, yes, that's true."
--I can't go up there, but you can come down and see me any time you want. "Well, yes, that's true."

Then she proceeds to cry and tell me how much it pains her that I won't be in the tippy top CK with her.

*sigh*

Thanks to my growth as a person, and thanks to lots of reading others' similar experiences on this site, I was able to handle this without guilt or fear or intimidation for the first time. I said "Mom, I'm sorry that this is upsetting to you, but I am happy. I'm happy with my life and my choices."

That did not make her very happy. She said she didn't want to talk about it over the phone, but wanted to get together for a "talk" in person. I will evade that for now, but next time she insists on getting into this, I'm going to drop the big bomb and tell her I'm an atheist now. That'll learn her to keep bugging me about it. ;-)


p.s. spell check doesn't know "telestial" and wants to change it to testicle. hahahahahaha!!!

Religious dogma makes smart and good people say stupid things and do wicked things.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2015 11:19PM by iamanevermormon.

What good is the testicle kingdom? The CKers are the only ones that get to use their procreative parts for eternity.

CA girl Wrote:
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> I know one of
> the reasons she's doing it to try to remind me of
> how I felt about the church during my mission -
> remind me of my testimony.

Yep, that's most-likely why. They never give up.

You're right. That is why. In order to force you back to church, she is taking away your true identity and creating a false identity for you. You would prefer your own mother to love you unconditionally--but you know that Mormons don't believe in unconditional love. Many of us long for mother-love, but our TBM mothers never gave it to us.

Some of us internalized this dysfunction, and we can't even love ourselves, as we truly are.

The most important love of all, is the love that is inside of you, that you give to others. While you are giving it, you bask in it, you see people's faces light up, you feel the joy they feel, and, eventually, it all comes back to you. You can create this love by yourself, by loving. Loving is a verb. If someone else loves you, it's just icing on the cake. Often, you aren't even aware that others love you.

"I think we need to talk to the doctor about it."

I understand why this would bother you.

My mother used faith promoting stories from my childhood all the time to prove that her child was in touch with the Holy Ghost. Those stories didn't prove anything except in her own mind and I was annoyed I had to hear them so many times and that she might have impressed a few listeners.

"...not realizing most people will wonder why the church doesn't pay or think the church is cruel to cut kids off from their loved ones for two years."

TBM's will say that it would be too much of a distraction to talk to family, missionaries need to focus on the work, etc... It's not until you wake up that this seems pretty cult-like...not unlike Scientology isolating individuals, screening mail, etc... It may be more about the money for TSCC, but it's still messed up.

Chump Wrote:
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> TBM's will say that it would be too much of a distraction to talk to family, missionaries need to focus on the work, etc...

That argument makes no sense when you consider that even soldiers in battle zones talk to their families via Skype, etc. as they are able to. Who needs to focus more than a soldier in battle? I would imagine that being able to talk to your family would be considered a matter of maintaining morale.

The same goes for college students. College students also need to focus on their demanding school work, but for most, talking with their family on a regular basis is crucial for their mental health and well-being.

We live in a very connected world. I would be suspicious of any organization that wanted to restrict familial communication over such a long period of time.

Being cut off from family doesn't improve focus or productivity. It makes the job harder and undermines attitude and good work habits.

I don't want to be a god.