Mormonism made me feel like I didn't belong in the real world, but also I didn't fully fit in the the cult world. It was so lopsided, cult stuff + parent stuff 90%, me 10%.

My dad died today and I feel nothing because he was lifetime bishop, narcissist, controlling, using, prophet in his own mind that had is own following of followers that were convinced that all his kids were evil, inspite of the fact that 3 were mos, 2 became exmos.

Don't share condolences, I don't need them. I got to the point that he wanted to live his lifestyle, and that was his business, I just no longer wanted to be one of his minions. My ideology, my lifestyle, what I admire in others was 360 degrees different from his. I cut my losses and walked away, years ago.

I wish I had had more normalcy and moderation in my past tbm life. It is a shame that now middle aged I missed out on a past that could have been.

Stupid missionaries that tracted into our house when I was 1. My older siblings remembered a lot of fun and activities pre Mormonism.

Sigh.

I hear ya. Too bad about your dad. I really wished that I could have lived a normal life too. One where I didn't grow up and spend most of my adult life wondering why I was broken. Wondering why God never spoke to me (or his vaporous side kick). He was obviously telling everyone else through his still small voice that it was all true - but not me. Why did he leave me out? What did I do?

To finally arrive at a point and realize that I was probably more normal than I was lead to believe was a beautiful moment in my life no doubt. But then to think of all the wasted years living a broken life - it's really upsetting.

6 iron,

This is not condolences. Just an acknowledgement.

Although I do find it mildly amusing, in a dark sort of way, that you describe yourself as 360 degrees different from your dad. I think you meant 180 degrees since 360 would leave you pointing in the same direction. But it brought something to mind.

Every man is his father's son. Whether by becoming just like him, or by becoming the opposite of him, or some of both, we are defined by him. Not completely, and not inevitably, but to some degree, either more or less. And in the same way, our sons are defined by us. I tell mine so.

My own dad is still living, though he is clearly on final approach. So I have been wondering how I will feel on that day. I fear I will feel nothing. I say 'fear' not because I want to feel *something* in order to satisfy the expectations of other people. But because I have deliberately learned to feel my feelings, and I fear numbness would be a retrogression.

Sigh.

Thanks for sharing this news; and thanks for contributing to my life through this board.

So, hugs to you. Not because you need condolences, but because every man's son needs something at this time, even if you don't know what it is. I certainly don't.

JAR

I also didn't fit anywhere, but I wouldn't say it was normalcy and moderation that I craved. I wanted a life that was more interesting and exciting instead of dull and conformist.

it takes great insight to be able to look inward, realize where you are, who you surround yourself with, where you are going and change directions.

Hang in there. You are your own man.

I held a private (just me) funeral for my parents years ago.

I understand they're still living in some peoples lives, but not mine. They never really were. I was born into an institution. They felt it was their job to indoctrinate me, they shunned me when I didn't take to the indoctrination. I feel like i'm being more then kind when I refer to them as parents.

I understand that completely. The church took priority, every single time.

My father died. I didn't attend the funeral. I hope he went to Mormon heaven. That is where he belongs, with everyone who adheres to that very narrow point of view.

Impossible to have a conversation with my mother.

So this is kind of a difficult week. My dad was far from perfect, but I read about the fathers on this board all the time who were so TBM, they never spent time with their families. My dad taught school and had a farm, so he wasn't home all that much, but we spent a lot of time with him on the farm. Not like it was fun times or anything, but when you get to be my age, you appreciate that time.

I did always wish I had a normal life. I used to think a normal Mormon life because we weren't a normal Mormon family. I worked really hard to have a normal family. I was going to do it different than my parents and do it "perfectly." See how far that got me.

Even if you are middle aged, what I've found is that life isn't over yet. I've had a lot of good times once I got through the insanity of my marriage. I always thought I'd have it all figured out at this time of my life, when in reality, I carry a lot of baggage and realize that you never figure it out.

I've had a good second half of my life. I found that there are still dreams to be had in my 40s, 50s, etc.

And my life, as most of you know, is FAR from normal, but, maybe, just maybe my life is more normal now.

I think I may feel the same when I hear of my father's death. I haven't spoken with him for many years. He spent his life amassing secret wealth for himself. He justified his selfishness by claiming others weren't worthy of his generosity. Eventually, though, he had to lay out some serious coin for his sycophantic daughters who can't take care of themselves, despite being married to Mormon men. My father is a pig. I doubt very much that I will mourn his passing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/29/2015 06:10PM by donbagley.

Yes I do. Or I used to, a LOT. I think my dear husband is my recovery place, but I feel guilty for relying on him quite so much.

I always wished I had a different childhood/young adulthood, but my husband says, "Without your past you wouldn't be the you I love!"
That doesn't make it all better, but I am glad it resulted in making me so ideal for him, because he is ideal for me!
Certainly I could have become very close to the same person, with a different past, right? I would like to be less neurotic and anxious NOW, but I am fully aware of how that comes directly from my past. I'm not nearly so good at seeing how my good aspects derive from it.

Dear 6 Iron your words have often inspired us here.

I get that you don't want condolences.


This last year I had to respond to a very angry email from a customer.

Not only did the gift basket they bought for the funeral arrived the day after, it had a "Thank You" ribbon instead of a "Thinking of You" ribbon.

My coworkers and I, although we could sympathize with the furious and embarrassed customer, we also knew there are families that would have appreciated the mis-hap.

I come from a family that would not have been able to stop giggling over a "Thank You" ribbon for a funeral gift basket.
We were relieved when last tyrant was gone.

It is a relief to have an antagonist gone, really gone.
And there is that wistful wondering of the what would it have been like.......

Then I have to remember that "normal" is a setting on the drier....


So imagine I'm sending you a basket for the day after that has the ribbon that reads "Thank You"! :D!