I dated a few nice fellows in High School, and a couple not so nice, and married after briefly dating a couple of guys in college. Now, many years later. I have left all religions for good, I’m a grandmother and finishing raising up my fine sons, the youngest will soon be 16. I taught them a few years back that Mother has a life and made sure to go out with girl friends or by myself to interesting community activities or trips or movies, etc.
Now I’m dating a fabulous fellow and I find myself with this feeling of impending criticism.
The monkey chatter in my head goes like this;
I saw you were over at his place all by yourself with the door closed…(It’s winter?) You were there until 1AM! What were you doing? (It’s none of your business and we were watching TV) Is that what you call it?(I'm sticking to that, yes)
Do you know you are an example to your sons? (Yes, they know I’m a responsible adult who is careful of whom I associate with. They have also met him and could identify him in a line up) Are you trying to be smart with me? (No, I am smart)
Is he going to marry you? (No, why should he? And why would I want to marry again? I made two bad decisions in my life, I don’t need a third one, and he feels the same way)
You shouldn’t be seeing him unless you’re serious! (Why?)
So on and so on it goes…any day now I can see the conversation with a bishop; “I will have to tell your parents.”
Go ahead! My parents are dead! Hah!
Anyone else go through this as you entered the late in life dating scene?
Did you guys have monkey chatter too?
I really am glad I don’t have to explain anything to my parents, and I know they would like him a lot. But my Mom would have a fit if she knew I was hanging out with him in a motel room watching the super bowl and having a marvelous time…..and GO SEA HAWKS!
I was married for a long time.........widowed... mother of 3 adult kids and 2 grand daughters.
I haven't found anyone I want to spend that much time with...But I hear myself saying "it's ok" "no, rush" "you have friends" "you have a life"........etc.
yacky yack
I think my family & friends wish I would find someone to date.
So I say "good for you". There's no one watching you............not your parents, not a bishop, not a SP......AND your sons like your fellow....
"You're an old fart and no woman you'd be attracted to would be attracted to you. Besides, you suck at relationships, so don't go inflicting yourself on anyone."
Tell the monkey's to shut the hell up, and you go out and have a good time. If you want to, let the monkey's chatter, but only let them do it for 10 minutes a day. Then they have to shut up until you let them have ten minutes tomorrow.
Divorced after a 23 year temple marriage to my "eternal companion" who came out as a gay man the year before. A year later, I met someone.
Being a good mormon woman in the heart of mormondom,with a 12 year old and an 18 year old still at home, I married him when I should have just had a fling. It lasted 7 months. All the clucking and tsk tsking that took place in my ward was just that..monkey chatter.
Years later, I moved to Salt Lake, resigned, and met someone else. We bought a house together, got engaged and have lived together for years. Maybe we will marry, maybe we won't, but it works for us and my kids (all active mormons) are relieved I didn't jump back into a marriage just so people wouldn't talk.
What is interesting is that my mother was a widow for 31 years.She had a couple of serious suiters in her early 60's and told me years later that she wished she had taken a chance on love again because she spent so many lonely years alone. But the "what will the family think, what will the ward members think" stopped her from it.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I've heard all the "voices" in my head and asked myself numerous times, but most of the time I just go with the flow. I was such a good little virgin Mormon girl who turned down other opportunities. The only time I question is when I hear something about "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." I worried about how it effected my children. They were 19 when I first got to see this guy (we reconnected after 28 years and talked for 9 months before we saw each other).
When I first hooked up with him, I thought of getting married again. Now, I'm dead set against it. I like my freedom. He lives a few miles away in his own home. I live in the same house with my ex, who lives downstairs. I like my own space, my own room, my own bed, my own money that isn't combined.
There are many reasons I came to this conclusion--watching my siblings go to war over my parents' money. He has kids who, if we combined households, would take all the money no matter what a will or trust said. I won't put my kids' inheritance in jeopardy that way. He is very territorial and I did live with him for a year. He didn't like me changing anything or putting anything of mine into the house. I can't live like that.
It just works better this way. He's not so sure . . . but I'm not going to try to make him change and I don't want to change again. As I told my aunt, I "disappeared" in my marriage. I choose not to disappear in this relationship. I learned well to be submissive. Keeping it this way helps me a lot.
Times are different now. I'm sure my parents would not approve of when he lived here with my ex and I. Oh my hell. I can't believe what my life has become. I actually get a kick out of living so different from being Mormon. I am much more comfortable in my own skin now in terms of living true to myself.
Tell the monkeys that you're old enough to decide who you will go out with and what time you will come home. If they ever bring it up again, pull out your driver's license and show them your birthdate. :-)
My boys just laugh. They're glad I have someone to see. Other than watching a whole junior high football game my son was in years ago, I had never watched a whole football game until last years superbowl.
I've enjoyed learning more by watching with friends. But it is hard to stay awake during the 3rd quarter even if the score is 16 to nothing!
New friends, new learning curves. Part of my mind is wrapping around you can be dating someone on a whole new level, and NO you do not have to "get married" to have fun.....You can date and not worry about if it is going to last...it might or might not, but you can have some great times together.
As a side note, I prefer dating men to dating the bumbling boys of my youth....:)!
Gemini and Cl2 your words have often resonated with me because I've been through some very similar experiences.
I was married for over 27 years (22 and 4 respectively) and was surprised at how the "rules" are better, but you have to quickly set your borders..
I've sent a few packing before they got anymore ideas....no regrets there....
I also have a family to protect legally and I saw what my gold digger stepmother did to my Dad after he became infirm. She thought she was going to keep living in his house despite the pre-nuptual agreement that she insisted upon....Didn't work, but he had a nasty ride at the end of his days. He'd married her after my Mother passed (they'd been married 52 years) and new wife wanted someone who would wine and dine her, but when he became increasingly disabled she started distancing herself from him.
I'm just glad to put away a few good memories of someone worth knowing....and hope we'll be around for each other for a while.
This was from my early to mid-fifties. It really got the neighborhood Methodist ladies chattering to each other, wondering what I was up to. But they never intruded with questions or comments.
The two men who wanted me to marry them were decent enough, but the spark wasn't there on my end. Plus, I discovered that I liked my independence, after 32 years of a rough BIC TBM marriage. I was an adult convert.
After about four years of dating it was out of my system. Now, in my 60s, I have zero interest in baby sitting a man's needs, or being a nurse or a purse.
There are good men out there, but consider all angles before committing.
I was married to my ex for 39 years. Our divorce was final in March 2012,and he remarried 2 months later. How's that for fast? He and new wife have had a terrible 2 1/2 years. She constantly leaves him,threatens him,oh my is she a piece of work. I,on the other hand could care less if I ever marry. Sometimes I think I'd like a relationship with a fine man,but for now my 2 youngest (11 and 14) are all the company I need.