Me, DH & our children left over 3 years ago. Leaving didn't really have any effect on the relationship with my parents because they are converts and only 1 of them is active. Both of them are more open-minded and don't really understand the real culture of Mormonism.

On the other hand, we currently have no relationship with DH's extreme TBM parents. The have shunned us and given us the silent treatment. We were disinvited to the family dinners that we used to attend monthly. They are both very passive-aggressive & MIL likes to pretend that they don't know what we are talking about when we try to discuss their obvious & deliberate poor behavior towards us. Same with his siblings. So, we have basically cut off contact. Which they also use against us; telling everyone that we won't be around them & they have no idea why.

Just wondering what others experience was with their TBM parents after leaving Mormonism?

ONly one side of the family is super TBM. We haven't been shunned really but they parents are disappointed in the choice to leave TSCC. After so many hard years of trying to raise you right, attending EFY & BYU, many adult years as a believer and to walk away 2 years ago. It's really shaken their faith to think of an alternate way of life. Time heals and although they don't truly understand the disaffection with TSCC they still love us as children. IN essence, the TBM family is doing better than most general reactions.

My wife and I left the Morg nearly 2 years ago, and my parents and siblings barely speak to us anymore. It's been 6 months since my siblings have spoken to us, and 2 months for my parents. And the conversations we did have were short, simple, and stupid. They didn't even call my kids (their grandkids) on their birthdays.

My wife's family treats us a little better than mine, but we're still treated like outcasts. I guess they rationalize their behavior by thinking they're guilting us into returning, but they're actually just confirming that their religion really is a cult.

For a "church" that claims to puts families first, it sure likes to rip them apart.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2015 05:04PM by hangar18.

My parents are also both converts. They have both been really great about me leaving the church and I'm treated no differently than I was before. I think they are more open-minded than your average Mormons because they are converts. Knowing that my family would still accept me helped me make the decision to leave the church. I honestly don't know how other people who have no family support when they leave are able to do it. It would take a special kind of bravery.

My TBM husband and I have decided not to tell his side of the family about my apostasy right now. I'm sure it will come out eventually. But, even my husband understands that his family probably won't handle it well. No need to cause contention when it's really none of their business anyway.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2015 05:24PM by want2bx.

Not being "out" yet, I dread the experience. My parents and my wife's parents are part of long lines of TBM's, meaning extended family (hundreds of individuals) are TBM's. I only know of one BIL and his own family who are not TBM.

Should be fun! Wish me luck!

Good luck. Hopefully it will go better than expected.

Not likely, but thanks, anyway!!

Good Luck.

You might be surprised. My dad was an ass, but that's nothing new. But my mother, as hurt as she must have been and as strained as it was, always tried hard to stay in touch with me. She'd call me once or twice a month and even if all we could do was talk about the weather, she seemed to genuinely want to know that I was ok. It really has been the most Christian-like behavior I've witnessed from a Mormon.

It has been 14 years and things are much easier now. Sometimes it just takes time for them to see that you didn't become a drug addict or prostitute or any of those things TSCC wants you to believe will happen. They see that you raised good kids, whether they're in the church or not.

Don't judge the whole future relationship by what happens at first. You all have to have time to adjust to the new normal.

Well...when we told my parents that our intention was to leave, they offered free rent. They are basically paying us to keep our mouths shut. After the debts are paid, we are gone! That will probably be the last day of my relationship with them. It sucks. I love my parents, but they don't love me unless I have the appearance of Mormonism. That said, they really hate my beard.

As dead as Tommy Monson probably is.

I'm very, very lucky. My family is all very active, but they don't act like TBMs at all. My Dad was in the stake presidency, was the stake patriarch, and a sealer in the Nauvoo Temple. He and Mom worked in the temple for years after they retired.

But with my parents, my Dad especially, his family was far and away his number one priority. Their love was unconditional. They knew I was having problems with the church - ok, I was severely depressed and attempted suicide a few times. So they didn't try to stop me when I left. Then a couple of years later I came out to them as gay. One of the things my Dad asked was if I'd been excommunicated. I told him "no," but that I didn't want to be a member and was planning on resigning after they'd died. Dad told me, "Why wait? There's no reason you should be a part of something you don't believe in." So I did.

A few years later I met the man who is now my husband. He has always been treated like another member of the family. My Mom has had more of a problem with me being gay. But I think that has more to do with her growing up in rural Utah during the depression than anything religious.

It hasn't always been smooth sailing. We've had a few ups and downs. There are times when they've pushed religion to far and my claws have come out. And I've also learned that if I want them to respect my beliefs I have to be willing to respect theirs as well, even if I don't believe in them.

My Dad died a couple of years ago. And my husband was at my side in the receiving lines at the viewings and funerals. And believe it or not, when we were planning my Dad's funeral I told my Mom that I wanted it to be about my Dad and not about Mormonism. So she talked to the bishop and told him to tone it way down!

I miss my Dad. I could talk to him about anything. One regret he had at the end of his life was that they let me go to BYU. He really resented that part BYU played in my depression and leading to my suicide attempts.

bezoar Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But with my parents, my Dad especially, his family was far and away his number one priority. Their love was unconditional.

That's how it should be, Bezoar, isn't it? Your dad sounds like he was a very decent man.

Thanks for sharing your story! Your dad sounds amazing. Most of the time tbm parents are so unsupportive of their gay children. lucky you.

My cousin, whose story is very much like yours, lost his Dad two years ago and brought his husband to the funeral in Utah. I am as close to my cousin and his siblings as my own. His parents are like my second parents. Almost all are TBM.

Here is what happened. Everyone welcomed my cousin's husband with open arms and hugs - guys and girls alike - and he grieved with us. As best as I could tell no one gave a second thought to his being gay and just glad he was there to comfort my cousin.

I left 14 years ago, but haven't been able to resign. I'm hoping to resign this year.

My TBM mother thinks I'm going to come back.

We were very fortunate! My Parents (likely b/c they are removed from the situation living in Canada) were very cool about the whole thing... probably cuz my Dad was a convert, but he's in the Stake presidency in the Ontario region so likely just too busy to really be worried about my family presently. My Wifes side everyone is out except her Brother and his family. Now my extended family is a whole nother story! Some of them are just ignorant/arrogant SOB's! I've shared some things on other threads if you care to view...Rough Stone Rolling Bushman is a 3rd cousin, nuff said.

I didn't resign until long after they passed in '96 and 2000 but I quit attending in 1971 when I was 23. There was no blow up or any threats of them disowning me. It was my decision and it was respected. They loved me regardless. After getting married in 1973 I farmed with my Dad until he retired in the 80's and then he helped me out until he passed away in 2000 at age 90. Not one time in all those years did he ever tell me he wanted to come back to the church or that he though any less of me for not attending and he never asked me to try and convert my Catholic wife or bring my never baptized children to church and expose them to Mormonism. I loved and respected him so much for that. He was the very best Dad and Grandpa.

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2015 07:19PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

Well... they still want to be mom and dad, but they still want us to be (or at least pretend) to be good mormons. So, the relationship is awkward.

Dear old mum recently talked all of my siblings and me to visit them. A few hours into our reunion, one of my siblings dropped the "f" bomb. Mum went into her pompous "not in my house" mode, to which I replied, "mum, do you want us here or not? You can't plead for us to be here, and then complain when we aren't like what you want us to be."

So, yeah, awkward for everyone. Wanting what they can't have.

Shunned by my Dad. He is vocally ashamed of me and would have rather that I died. He never said that, but, I feel that from him. Our relationship was amazing for decades and now he deeply hates me for leaving TSCC. When I left Mormonism, I lost my Dad at the same time. Sucks to see that his love, that I cherished, was actually conditional.

My Mom just pretends that it didn't happen. It's kind of bizarre. She goes about 'business as usual'. But, I know she is hurting about it. I try to talk to her and she changes the subject and just wants to pretend that nothing has changed.

I hate TSCC. It hurts families.

I am so sorry to hear that! You have my sympathies.

moose Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am so sorry to hear that! You have my
> sympathies.


Thank you!

I remember it like it was yesterday. My mother point blank asked me about a year after I returned from my mission why I wasn't living like a returned missionary should. I told her, maybe a little too point blank, that I was no longer going to be involved with Mormonism. She completely lost it, she cried, and wailed, the kind of reaction I would have expected had she heard one of her children was killed. It was horrible, I felt horrible, I couldn't fathom that I had inflicted so much pain on her. She then left the house, and walked to my Uncle's house where she spent the next several days. I went to my job that night, and came home around 3 am, my Dad wasn't there either. The next day my Dad asked me about things, "Your Mother tells me you no longer consider yourself LDS" I answered "Yes". "Why?" he asked. The only thing I could think of, and really still the only reason, "I don't believe it."

Dad took it pretty well, his real push was that I was failing my heritage, generations of industrious mormons before me. I didn't say much, I love my family, but I still had no intentions of living my life according to the dictates of a 19th century grifter. Time went on, my Mother ignored me and wouldn't talk to me for months, then things thawed. My mother and I never talked again about the church that I can remember, I married a "non-member" and started a family, she loved my kids. She died a wile ago, and I still carry a crack in my heart that I never felt able to make things right, I think at the end I felt that I was more important to her than the church, but I will never be sure.
Me and my Dad carried on, we have a great relationship now, he is super ultra TBM, but the kind hearted kind, not the dickish kind. We actually have a laugh about church stuff now and then. During the election I asked him since Obama is half black, but now president of the US, how valiantly did he fight in the pre existence? He laughed..It's good now, we argue, but hug it out afterwards.

I'm certain to hear this! My reply will be, "My ancestors were truth seekers who stood for what they perceived as truth. I believe they erred but admire their steadfastness in the face of adversity. I am of their blood and will stand for what I believe. I think they would be proud, if they were here."

May your familial relationships improve, ladell!

My daughter left the church, then ended up divorcing her controlling TBM husband, supporting her three children and making her way in the world. All the time I was living over 1000 miles from her, and not able to be much support.
A few years later, when I was still TBM she lamented how she'd lost so much when she left the church, she'd lost TBM friends and then her Christian friends when she left all religions.

I told her there was one thing she was supposed to lose, but didn't. What? She asked. "
Your Mom. I'm supposed to cast you off and I never will, and oddly enough your very strange Dad who was BIC and cherry picks the church still loves you and cares about you too.

I'm a convert and always told my children they had the right to choose. I even made sure they knew they didn't have to be baptized until later in life, and their Dad agreed with me.

I believe in one article of faith: people have the right to choose to worship as they wish.....

I and six children are all out of the TSCC and my ex husband still believes a bit and goes occasionally. They leave him alone in Utah. He is so strange they don't mind if he never comes back....

It is lonely to strike out on your own, but then you realize you didn't have the relationships you thought you did.
I don't feel bad for the members I left behind, they aren't missing me, because they'd never made me a real part of their lives. And some of them couldn't do anything unless it was through the veil of Mormonism.....

I went through a very ugly separation from my gay husband and went through financial devastation, etc. My parents were shocked by what happened to my life and felt helpless to do much of anything to help me. Part of that was going inactive.

Eventually they did start asking if I'd ever go back. They always listened to what I had to say. Their intention was to get me to go back because my life had been better when I was Mormon and they thought I needed the church, but each time they brought it up, I explained different aspects of my experience with them. My dad was a very intimidating man and we didn't talk back to him, but when I told him what happened to me, he listened. They always listened. My brother told me that they were more upset about what happened to my life than any other child in the family and we've had some pretty horrible things happen in our family.

My parents loved me first. They weren't perfect, but they loved us all. My dad wasn't what I'd call TBM either. I would not have made it through what I did had they died sooner as I always knew they were there for me if I needed them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2015 09:31PM by cl2.

My relationship with my active mormon parents went surprisingly well after telling them I don't believe anymore. They both quit the church soon after I did!

I think it was partly due to them being converts as well as how I handled myself through it all.

Fortunately, both of them kinda sidestepped away from TSCC years ago.

My dad left before I did, so he was very happily surprised when I called him up one day and told him I left. My mom (parents are divorced) struggled with it, then decided to never talk about it. She's a bit afraid to know my reasons. The one time we started to talk about it she melted down and then blamed me somehow for coming after her, which isn't even approaching the realm of reality.

As long as we avoid talking about religion, which we really didn't do before, it's actually pretty good overall. I have been pleasantly surprised. It will always be weird, but that's something I guess I knew all along. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being raised in a cult, for lack of a less negative word.

After a rough time at the beginning, I have reached an even-keel kind of relationship with my parents. My dad was surprisingly agreeable to listening to my concerns, and probably but mom really didn't listen much--just talk/scream. I was mad too, and didn't really handle it as well as I ought to have done.

We have reached an "unwritten order of things" type truce on religion, and they don't try to get me back into LDS, Inc. and I don't try to get them out of it.

Still, everyday rituals like prayer over meals can be irritating. I belong to a liberal christian church, and don't mind praying, but I don't like praying over every meal, because I don't find it worthwhile as a spiritual practice. Maybe because it's just a reminder of my childhood where the constant presence of a judgmental God, who stalked us every hour of every day--ugh!

I also have the benefit of living on the other side of the country, which makes these encounters less frequent.

Awkward.

My wife and I left about 7 years ago. Both sides of the family are mostly TBM and handling it ok. My inlaws actually treat me with a wierd respect, kinda like we know the seceret that nobody else is willing to admit. We almost never talk directly about it though.
My parents are having a much harder time. They are both uber TBM, Dad was Bishop for most of my youth. They raised us following the TBM model but somehow all three of us have left the church. I know they feel guilty about it and shoulder a fair amount of shame for having apostate childeren. Afterall isnt being with your family forever the whole point? From their perspective I can see how we are all turning our backs on everything they "worked" their whole lives for. Unfortunelty we havent ever really talked about it, it is always a huge elephant in the room whenver they visit (only about once a year we live on the otherside of the country). I really want to talk to my Dad about things but I am afraid of ruining whatever messed up relationship we have. I know he wont be here forever and I dont know if I can live with myself if things end this way though. If anything I am just angrier at this cult for fracturing my family.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/29/2015 01:45PM by hoosierute.

My TBM FIL has freely admitted he will "never stop trying to change us" -back to believers... Quite the authentic relationship available there... (Dripping sarcasm). Also there has been a definite change in their gift giving generosity.

Basically it's awkward and inauthentic.

Strained, to sum it up in one word.
I left their house like a bat out of hell when my mother attempted to lay down the law after I graduated. I had been saving up for my own apartment, but they did not care a bit what I was up to and were trying to establish harsher rules than I had lived with while attending high school.
This included disinheriting me, not that I ever expected anything from them, they always told me we were too poor to afford often very basic necessities.
So I left and lived in my car for a while as I had not saved enough yet. No apartment complex will rent to a kid who doesn't have first, last, and security deposit, not to mention no credit.

I visited now and then over the years, and came back to sleep in the coal chute in the garage for a few months one winter about five years down the road, but didn't want to live in the house ever again.

I got married, and my parents treated me much better since now I was becoming respectable. Pfff!

Then I resigned in about 2009-10, after prop 8, and after a particularly offensive conference or something I read here about their continuing efforts.
I met them each in 2010 to break the news, I knew my dad had been a clerk and still held moderately high muckety muck position in TSCC, and woukd recognize what happened to my record number on his tithing settlement statement.

I told my dad first, and that was hardest, but we kind of reconciled a little. I made him aware that my mother has said some terrible things about him to me, and I think I got across that some parental alienation had been taking place over the years.
Our relationship is significantly better than it had been before oh, say middle school age for me.

Then I told my mother a couple weeks later, and I think he had told her already because she had a few snarky, mean things to say, as well as her idea of meeting in the middle: it takes integrity to make that decision and follow through. The mean things were pretty mean though.
She doesn't think on her feet at all, I am pretty sure my dad told her in the meantime although he told me it would be best for her to hear it from me.

We are on less good terms than ever, she knows now that she can't bullshit me anymore about why the family has the opinion of me that it does. She used to make everything out to be coming from my dad, but he was just playing the heavy to whatever story she made up, she'd get him to back her up.
After telling my dad, it all came out that she was using him as a front for her manipulations. The only power she felt she had as an oppressed mormon woman, I suppose.
I have no idea where I come from, hardcore feminist, intellectual, qu@@r gay rights fighter. She needed to squash me but never could.

I've been the black sheep scapegoat since my very early childhood though, I didn't expect it to go well. I didn't expect to come out of it closer to my dad, but on a larger scale of things we still aren't very close.
I think my mother has a cluster B personality disorder, or they call it axis II these days? Or maybe she's just effed in the head by mormanity, I don't really know.

When I learned what the name of the in-charge here means, Susan I/S, I laughed my ass off! The I/S is "Interesting Sinner", I believe.
I laughed because it resonated, life has been nothing if not interesting. Sinner? Depends on who's defining "sin". Mmm coffee, swearing, and tank tops! :)

Leaving certainly shows you a lot about the people you tell. I hope you only have people who react like my dad, and I am afraid that you will have people like my mom.
But it's an entirely different thing when you have to tell your spouse. :(
I hope something you read here allows you to find the best approach for her.

I think I have a good approach. Just waiting for a good time. No, not waiting for "the right time" because that doesn't exist. Just a good time, after things settle from my in-law's latest health challenge.

Understandable. I am hoping for the best for you guys.
Surely not all mormons are as entrenched as the occasional horror stories we get here...
Sometimes the spouse is relieved and leaves too, but I think that's just as rare as the horrible outcomes.

One was dead and the other suffered from dementia.

I left at 17, followed by my younger brother who finally admitted to me that he had never believed. My parents had been ok with MY personal conclusion that I had come to regarding the LDS church (they figured that it was just a phase I was going through), but as soon as my brother "came out"-- my father completely blew his top. My mother was passive aggressively angry and would no longer stand up for my brother and I when my father crossed the line.

One day my father decided to pick a fight with my little brother about a silly little disagreement-- I honestly don't remember what it was. Anyways, the argument escalated to personal attacks against both my brother and I. My father told me that he hoped I would fail in my life endeavors, and also quoted a scripture from Matthew in which Jesus said that his word would divide families, mother against daughter, father against son, etc.

I responded by telling him that he was making this a self-fulfilling prophecy and that my lack of religious belief didn't have to destroy my relationship with my family.

He then proceeded to bar my brother and I from entering the house and told us to find somewhere else to live in 3 days. I tried to call my mother to tell her what was happening-- I barely got through before my father confiscated my phone. My brother and I slept on the corner of the property for the next three days until my mother returned and begged him to let us stay until I left for college three months later.

To this day, my father has never apologized to either my brother or I for this incident.