Greetings all, I left the church last April... Feel great to not be under the spell... However, my wife and step kids are still active and there have been many disagreements since I left... We are preparing to separate.. Is there anything I can do to fix this? It's like she's brainwashed.

I'm sorry you're going through this. There are a number of people on the board who have faced a similar situation and I'm sure they'll contribute to this thread soon.

I just wanted to welcome you and suggest you watch this video about a couple where the husband transitioned well before the wife and the strategies he used that were successful.

http://youtu.be/Zr3JYFX1Czg

Hugs!

Thank you so much sassy pants for the support. I do need a big hug right now... Smiling and sad.

There has to be some sort of common ground. There are some fresh posts on Mormon stories http://mormonstories.org/stories-of-marital-distress-or-divorce-because-of-a-mormon-faith-crisis/

If she totally won't read any thing "non" Mormon; I'd suggest that you use FHE to read one of the essays. She can't deny that it's anti because it's straight off the corporation website and it is Family Home Evening as the leaders have directed families to have.

Yup. I agree.

So true.

Totally agree with this . I would use the blacks and the priesthood essay . That is a total admission of the falseness of the church , its leaders , and the bogus claim of ongoing revelation . Or Google a picture of Osiris and compare it to Facimile 3 in the B of A , and the female behind him .

While blacks and the priesthood demonstrate racism and uncovers lies about being racist, to me the real "proof" that Joseph was a fraud was the Book of Abraham. It's hard to beat visible, physical proof.

I have zero experience in this, but you might want to consider what compromises you are willing to make to keep your family together. Are you willing to avoid the topic of religion? Are you willing to go to church? Pay tithing? These are all compromises that some people here have made.

No, we are way past that. I'm not willing to compromise my integrity... I already did that long enough.

I commend you for your integrity.

Did you know that ETB was the 13th false prophet?

I would have to agree with this advice. Also, have you considered counseling?

Yep,tried counseling too...shes a very stubborn and prideful woman. She wants to be in control of everything... Highly critical of me, but she is blameless. I think its best to go our separate ways unfortunately. Thanks for the advice and support to all who posted. Joseph Smith is a false prophet and the book of mormon is a blasphemy. I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Falseprophets13 Wrote:
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> Joseph Smith is a false
> prophet and the book of mormon is a blasphemy.

The term "false prophet" implies that there is such a thing as a "true prophet". Might I ask whom the "blasphemy" of the book of mormon was committed against? If you are trying to convince your wife to dump her god in favor of yours then you are not going to have any luck.

You need to ask yourself whether your wife is the only one who is brainwashed. You have figured out that mormonism isn't true, which is a major achievement. However, it isn't the end of your spiritual journey. I wouldn't recommend making major changes to your life, such as separating from your wife, until you are further along your path.

BTW, if your wife is a TBM then she needs to submit herself to the head of the household, which is you. If you lead her down the wrong path then she will be rewarded for her obedience. I wouldn't say that directly to her, but if she is overly controlling then you have doctrinal support for taking control back.

Welcome! I'm so sorry that your marriage has been threatened by your unbelief. Unfortunately, that is not at all unusual. Some marriages survive and even thrive, but many don't. Flexibility is required on the part of both partners, but flexibility is not exactly Mormonism's strong suit.

This is a constant topic here.

We have seen every approach tried to save a marriage, but usually the one who first sees the light is so eager to share this monumental information with his/her best friend that the damage is already done by the time they come here.

It sounds like your positions are already hardened and your hearts are set against one another, nodding and saying, "It's for the best." Unless you can follow that up with, "the children and my love for my spouse are not more important than Mormonism," you might have/have had a shot.

People do not leave Mormonism because of facts they have discovered or been made aware of. They leave because they have experienced a PROCESS during which the facts have sat on a shelf while the subconscious prepared the conscious for the enormous shock of sharing the loss of a testimony with members who value a testimony more than the person who bears it.

Only when the mind has dealt with the personal issues of "I am a fool...how could I ever have believed...OMG I've been conned--look at the money I gave them, let's see....

And then there are the fears. I will lose my wife, my kids, my job, my friends. No one will ever believe a thing I say again. I will have no respect. I will not be a leader, I will be a despised apostate.

Lordy, it takes a while to wrap your own mind around this and yet somehow people expect the spouse to hear about a papyrii or multiple wives and say, "Well, in that case, we should leave." (not saying that's what you're doing).

What has proven to work the best is when the spouse who is in reality embarks on a campaign - a true Family First campaign and starts with this approach, "Mary, I've been doing some research and discovered some facts which I did not know. Because I value truth and have attempted all my life to choose the right, I can't in good conscience support the Mormon Church now that I know the truth about the history. You know I love you and respect your believe and will continue to support you in Mormonism or whatever your beliefs may become. Meanwhile, I am resigning all my callings and stopping paying my share of the tithing so that I can really put Family First. Far too much of my time has gone into the church corporation when I should have been spending it helping Jimmy learn to read (be specific here about your own child/children). I have put the church first and I apologize for that right now. I ask you to forgive me and ask your support as I transition into becoming a real family man."

If your spouse asks you what you learned, tell them you will share the information later, when you are not so emotional/angry/shocked/upset (describe your mental state). Tell her/him you loved the church and have some grieving to do before there can be an autopsy.

It is possible for you to have a mixed marriage and for it to be very, very happy. Several posters on this board have managed to bring spouses out, most famously twojedis, who was the unknowing spouse. Her husband, sithlord, began posting here last year. He was in fear of what would happen when he told her. He was fortunate in that she freaked, but then started doing research on her own and followed him out of the church two weeks later.

I remember laughing when she wrote that she and sithlord were so active/popular/well-loved that she was confident it would make no difference to their many life-long friends that she was not going to be Mormon any more. Well, she is absolutely wonderful but she, like the rest of us, lost every one of those dear friends. You see, friendships in Mormonism aren't personal. And some people find out that even marriage in Mormonism isn 't personal. You may find out that your partner married a role and if you are not going to play that role, which is to qualify them for the CK, you are not worth the time.

I hope that's not true in your case, but it has turned out to be true for most. Venturing out on a limb, I would say that more than half of the apostates end up divorced.

Good luck to you and we are here for you, whichever way things go.


Warmly

Kathleen

Excellent incite and advice Kathleen.

This is surely one of the best written explanations I have come across explaining the process individuals go through before and after eventually embracing the truth.

I am old and spent over 40 years as a mormon wife. A wife who was constantly pushed to live a life of manipulation and powerlessness. The church was a big part of it. I was just never able to measure up.

I started leaving the church about 4 years ago and went into therapy. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I saw my life as it really was and my future of personal integrity.

I am not sorry about my past as neither I nor my husband knew any better. I am extremely sorrowful that I didn't take my power back sooner. I waited too long. You will never have peace until you live your life according to your own truth. Your wife is living her truth. If there isn't room in your marriage for both, it is always going to be a struggle.

Thank you for all of the responses, advice and feedback,whether I agree or disagree with them or not. You have given me some different perspectives and that's a great thing. I know what my truth is regarding mormonism, and I am not going to compromise myself any longer or continue to support a false deception. I don't know what the future holds... My wife is entitled to believe what she wants... I know that she doesn't believe in me and puts me last in her priorities. Her kids, her family and the mormons come before me. It was like that even before I left the church. She is prideful and stubborn and unwilling to share power in our household. I am not respected, and I has only deteriorated since I officially left the church. Separation seems the option at this time. It's highly unfortunate to say the least. I still believe in a higher power, but the mormon experience has soured me on organized religion. I currently prefer a personal relationship with my I Am. Have a great weekend ladies and gentlemen.

If you can't respect your wife for having her own faith journey, even if that means she's a believer, you probably can't stay married. And vice versa.

Unlike the other posters, I recommend you do not make religion a topic of division between you. You need to be able to love each other for the person each of you are. Not who you want them to be.

There will be times when you do discuss religious topics. Keep that about the specific topic, not about the person. This is hard as religion is part of a persons self-view, but it's the only way forward on the topic if you want to maintain respect.

Welcome. I agree with the responses written by others above who are or have experienced what you're currently dealing with.

The Nauvoo plural marriage essay could be another suggestion to read at FHE.

Polygamy and Polyandry are often "hot buttons" for women.

Be patient and good luck.

aa

For Falseprophets13:

Many of us were in this situation. Some marriages survived, some did not.

Mine did not. But I realized afterwards that I had made some serious tactical mistakes.

See some suggestions (including advice from a licensed exmormon marriage counselor) at "FAQ: Exmormon with TBM spouse"

http://packham.n4m.org/spouse.htm

Take anagrammy's advice. She said it well.

If you truly want to fix the marriage you have to love your wife more than you hate the church. Go slow. Don't pay tithing but maybe support her at Sacrament meeting but let her know you are there to support her and not the church.

Many of us like myself did not know about this advice when we were in your position and lost our marriages. Basically I lost my marriage because of my integrity. It's a Maddening situation and its seems like a hopeless endeavor but others have done it.

Some spouses never leave, some have taken years and others a short period of time was all it took once devotion to the marriage was proven by the un-believing spouse.

I feel for you. Good luck.

It's not "like" she's brainwashed.

You both have to agree to respect each others opinions and bite your tongues when necessary. My husband was bishop when I learned the church was not what it claimed to be. We chose to value our marriage more than we value proving our point. It takes both of you to make this work. It's not easy, but it is possible.