Church Vision Reaches New Heights
by Holly Gost
The Desperate News


SALT LAKE CITY, Jan. 13 — Elders Dallin H. Oaks, Russell M. Nelson and Dieter F. Uchtdorf held a riveting press conference on Temple Square this morning, ably assisted by Elder L. Whitney Clayton. As always, the press and public were overwhelmed by the outpouring of The Spirit™ on this momentous occasion.

Elder Oaks spoke first: "When we called this press conference, no doubt each of you believed that we were going to present you with an update on the progress of the Deseret Alphabet initiative we announced last September. That initiative, however, has been postponed indefinitely. We will be announcing its resumption when it is convenient for us to do so."

"The reason we are here today is to announce a new program for hastening the work of the Lord. The Brethren, speaking as one, have decided to sell off naming rights to carefully chosen corporations with respect to selected areas of the Church. The capital and visibility generated from these ventures will permit the Church to expand its horizons to a degree never before imagined. We are excited about this and invite all Church members to support these partnering companies with every means at their disposal. I now yield the podium to Elder Nelson."

Elder Nelson stepped forward. "Before I begin, I would like to recognize my dear wife Wendy standing behind me. I also wish to welcome Sister Sheri L. Dew by her side. They are the best of friends, always together. All Relief Society sisters should strive to emulate their example." At this point Sisters Nelson and Dew exchanged long meaningful gazes, smiling gently at each other. Sister Dew's right hand brushed lightly against Sister Nelson's left hand, and their fingers interlocked. It was a moving display of obvious sisterly gospel-centered affection.

He then continued: "Many of the Church's well-known programs will be rebranded, and we expect all future references to use those programs' new names. The Church has already entered into several contractually binding agreements. For example, the rights to the Plan of Salvation has been purchased by Disney, and therefore its official designation will be 'Disney's Plan of Salvation.' All missionaries, Church employees, and ward leaders must use this specific wording or face strict discipline for refusing to follow the Brethren."

"In a similar vein, the Word of Wisdom is being renamed the 'Pepsi-Cola Word of Wisdom.' President Monson, bless his soul, has personally approved this change. In fact, he was so enthusiastic that he has agreed to have the Pepsi logo affixed to the sides of his coffin when he passes beyond the veil, and also to be buried with a six-pack. We believe this to be an inspired use of product placement, which is what our dear Prophet would want, if he could talk or move. President Uchtdorf will speak to us next to discuss further thrilling opportunities."

President Uchtdorf strode to the microphone, beamed and confidently addressed the large crowd, "Ich bin Dieter Uchtdorf!!" upon which he stepped back, still beaming, to resume his previous place on the stand. Several women in the audience swooned. Sister Nelson began to rub Sister Dew's back, clearly an act of pure charity and selfless service; Sister Dew tilted her head back slightly and closed her eyes.

"I just love these two gals," said Elder Nelson. "So sweet, both of them. Did I ever tell you the story of when I performed heart surgery on President Kimball?" The press and spectators all shouted "YES!" in unison and Elder Nelson resumed. "I have three other partnerships to mention, and then Elder Oaks will finish up. First, the endowment ceremony will now be sponsored by Nu Skin. Please refer to it from this moment as the 'Nu Skin Ceremony.' The sacred garment markings will be altered to symbolize this improvement. Any further use of the old garments will be grounds for a charge of apostasy; there will be mandatory garment inspections each Sunday in Priesthood and Relief Society."

"Second, the term 'Melchizedek Priesthood' has been acquired by ExxonMobil. Other than the necessary alterations to the Holy Scriptures, two changes will be made. Only the 'Mobil-Exxon Priesthood' will now be acceptable; also, priesthood blessings will no longer be administered using olive oil, but instead with crude oil, available exclusively from Church Distribution Services. Note that the Church discourages anointing anyone's head with gasoline or diesel fuel during a blessing, except in the most dire emergency."

"And finally, the official name of the Church itself has been purchased, for five billion dollars," – the crowd gasped in astonishment – "by none other than Wal-Mart. The legal name of the Church is now 'The Church of Jesus Wal-Mart Christ of Latter-day Saints.' Our correspondence, websites and other media outreach efforts will employ this name into perpetuity." At this juncture Sisters Nelson and Dew raced off the stage together, each with an arm around the other's waist. Elder Nelson ended his remarks: "I wish I knew where those two go when they run off like that. They're such great friends… I now turn the rest of the time over to Elder Oaks."

Elder Oaks again advanced to the microphone. "In addition to the great and sweeping changes discussed thus far, I would like to take this opportunity to reveal that, to date, we have been able to sell naming rights to four of our temples. Negotiations are continuing for others and will be announced as soon as they have been finalized."

"The first temple for which we have sold the naming rights is in Seattle. I am pleased to announce that our Seattle temple will henceforth be known as the 'Microsoft Seattle Temple.' Although the rights fees from the deal were not as high as we were hoping for, at least we do not have to call it the 'Starbucks Seattle Temple,' which was the other major bidder." Elder Oaks grinned, causing some of the children in the assembled crowd to scream in terror.

"The second temple is the nearly-completed temple in Rome, Italy. We received an offer that we could not refuse from a wealthy Italian family, Costenosa… Nosticosta… Elder Clayton, can you help me here?" Elder Clayton, who had been hidden in the back behind the others, came to the podium. The audience could now see that he was wearing a metal collar around his neck, a short leash dangling from it, and what appeared to be a ball gag in his mouth. Elder Oaks removed the gag from Elder Clayton's mouth and pointed to the sheet of paper. Elder Clayton whispered in the ear of Elder Oaks, who said, "…oh, the Cosa Nostra. Nice family. I am told they are led directly by God the Father…" Elder Clayton whispered again, at which Elder Oaks corrected himself: "…I meant to say, the Godfather. Whatever." He replaced Elder Clayton's gag, who once more concealed himself at the rear.

"The third temple is none other than our beloved Salt Lake Temple. We had many bidders, but the winning entry was easily the one submitted by Fox News. We are not allowed to reveal the price, but it is high enough for the temple to be renamed simply the 'Fox News Temple.' Whether the mayor and City Council can be persuaded to rename Salt Lake City as 'Fox News City' remains to be seen, but we are optimistic."

"And finally, we have sold the naming rights to the St. George Temple. Of course, we could not obtain a very high bid for a smaller, older temple, but we have consented to rebrand it as the 'St. George Chuck-A-Rama Temple.' We believe that supporting local business is a noble and worthwhile objective."

"Our press conference is now over. For those of you from our September press event who still want answers, you will observe that Elders Perry and Holland, who have all those answers, are again absent. I strongly encourage each of you to pay your tithing and accept inspired assignments to clean your respective ward buildings. If you do not, Heavenly Father will withhold his love and blessings from your families; they will suffer greatly and it will all be your fault."

And with that kindly reminder, the Brethren, led by Elder Oaks (leading Elder Clayton by the leash handle), quickly vacated the stand and piled into the custom-built Moroni-10 helicopter idling nearby. All present marveled at the wonderful news they had just been blessed to receive, and pondered its meaning, as the helicopter rose high into the inversion layer overhead.

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[Note: The Deseret Alphabet press conference from September, to which Oaks refers, can be found at http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1374178]

Thanks for including a Dew moment!

Microsoft Seattle Temple...very appropriate since Microsoft headquarters are so close by. Lol. Good job.

"Seattle Temple" is actually located in the city of Bellevue, WA.

'funny' since they re-named many missions the correct political jurisdictions (states, cities)

There was a moment where it looked like the Atlanta Georgia Temple would be called the Mercedes Benz Atlanta Georgia Temple, but the negotiations fell through at the last minute.

You made my day!That is hilarious!!

OMG Too funny! Thanks for a great start to my day.

I actually ate at the St George Chuck-a-Rama once. The temple was closed at the time, but now I understand why I felt the spirit so strongly back then (this was 1997 and I was a TBM still).

As soon as they announce the Howard Johnson St George Stake, I'm applying for rebaptism.

Funny stuff!

Here's an oldie but goodie from several years ago.

*** For Immediate Release ***

Thomas S. Monson, the prophet and leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that weddings performed in the church's temples worldwide will soon be open to all members of the bridal party without regard to church membership or worthiness requirements.

“The Lord has heard our prayers.” Monson said at the noon press conference held at Church Headquarters.

Monson explained that this change was the result of months of fasting and prayer by the church's First Presidency. He detailed that the church has also been working closely with Bonneville Consolidated Materials, a company owned by church, to develop a special material to make this change possible.

At the heart of this change is a breakthrough material called “Templed Glass.” Monson explained. “It looks just like normal glass, but it's able to keep the holy in, and the unholy out.”

“With this new material, we'll be able enclose a special wedding altar on the outside wall of each of our temples. We're designing large viewing panels lined with “Templed Glass” so friends and family members will be able to attend their loved one's weddings without needing to actually enter the temple.”

“Our architects are already hard at work creating large seating areas where members and non-members alike will be welcome to view the nuptials of their loved ones through this special glass. No longer will young couples need to exclude family members from viewing this most special event.”

When pressed for details on the ingredients used in “Templed Glass,” Monson just smiled at reporters and said, “Oh, I suppose its made of snips and snails, and puppy dog tails.”

Thanks, very, very funny!

I'm certain that Prez Monsoon, if he could talk or move, might possibly be enjoying himself with this one while nursing his Pepsi.