Chapter Two

Lehi preaches on the streets of Jerusalem---Lehi is mocked by the harlots of Laban---Lehi rebukes the harlots of Laban

1.And it came to pass that there were many prophets in those days, preaching repentance unto the people, and that the day of the Lord was near. In fact, there have been prophets in Jerusalem saying that for the last 200 years.
2.And Lehi was among them, whose shoes remained latched.
3.And it came to pass that he did wear a sandwich board. And he did get distracted, and lost his way, even he did wander into the Red Torch District, where Laban’s harlots did linger.
4.And it came to pass that one of his harlots, Jezaball the Tittite, did call out unto him,
5.”Hey, Sandwich Man, would you like a massage?”
6.And the front of Lehi’s sandwich board did lift slightly away from his loins.
7.But Lehi sayeth, “Ye cannot tempt me, for I am a man of God, yea, even a prophet of God am
I.”

8.Jezeball laughed.
9. And her cohorts, Clitora the Amourite, and Flavia the Horite, did laugh along with her.
10. And thus answereth Jezeball, “Ha! So what? Some of my best customers are Priests of Levi! Come on, do you have any money?”
9.And Lehi raised his voice saying, “I have sufficient for my needs. And thou speakest evil of the Lord’s anointed, and I do not believe you, a harlot, who merely walketh the streets and taunt god-fearing men. Nevertheless, I demand to know which priests of Levi you speaketh, yea, because the penalty for soliciting a harlot is death, and if thou speakest the truth, I must know their identities.”
10. And Jezeball, being the professional she is, retorteth, in her best biblical voice, “I am a professional, and my clients do wisheth to remain discreet, thus I reveal not the identity of my clients. Nevertheless, since thou do claimest to be a prophet, read my mind, and discern who my clients are”. And she did close her eyes, as if to concentrate on the names of her clients, whose names were all John anyway, be they revelators or baptists.
11. And Lehi did retort, “I have only said that I am a prophet, not a mind-reader. My job is to call the people to repentance, and to warn them that the Messiah soon cometh, to reap destruction and save the righteous at the last day!”
12. Jezeball responded, thus saying, “You haven’t said anything new. All you guys have been saying that for hundreds of years. Have you written any prophecies of your own?”
13.Thus spaketh Lehi, “Prophets do not write their own words. Only the scribes write. And the scribes do indeed write the words of ancient prophets and record the legends. My words will be passed down from generation to generation by word of mouth. And when they become legend, they will be recorded by the scribes. Yea, and thus the word of God will stand the test of time, through generations of oral tradition.”
14. Jezeball did stare blankly at Lehi for one moment. And then she did say,
15”Yeah, and we have our own ORAL TRADITIONS!”
16.And Jezeball did laugh loudly, as did her companions.
17.And Lehi’s voice did rise, and he stretched forth his hand for greater effect, and he spaketh, “Ye have laughed loudly, are light-minded, and have spoken evil of the Lord’s anointed. Ye must repent, or perish at the last days! I dust my shoes off in your general direction, and excuse myself. “
18. And Jezeball did say, “Wait a minute, aren’t you Laban’s half-brother?”
19. And Lehi spaketh, “I do not speak to Laban. He is not a man of God. He is a hypocrite, for, lo, he is a man who gains riches by taking advantage of disadvantaged women like yourself, and thou do bringest him much gold and silver, and even then, he hoards that which is most precious, yea, he hoards the word of God upon plates made of gold, which has been in our family for generations.”
20.And Jezeball did say, “I know of what book you speak of. I have seen it.”
21.”It is not what you think. It is actually the Book of Whorus. From Egypt.”
22.And Lehi did speak, “Nay, that is not the same book. The book of which I speak is the word of the Lord, and it contains a geneology of our ancestors, and the books of Moses, and the words of the Prophets. You speaketh of another book.”
23.Jezeball did laugh again, saying, “Laban has only one book of gold. I’m telling you. It is not what you think. I am Egyptian. Laban bought me in the city of Titta, where I'm from. Titta lieth on the eastern Delta of the Nile. I know of what I speak. The Book of Whorus contains ancient funerary rituals. The gold copy, which Laban has, is even a special edition. It contains illustrations of the fertility rituals that are performed upon the death of royalty, to insure a successor to the throne.”
24. And it came to pass that Lehi’s sandwich board did lift again slightly. And he did pause for a moment.
25.And it came to pass after many moments,Lehi did speak thus, “I know not of what you speak, for I have never beheld the detailed contents of the gold book. It must needs be that you show me the book. For I must see the words of God written upon Plates of gold. And if they be not the words of God, I may then rest in the knowledge of what it does contain.....and be reconciled to my brother."
26.And Jezeball spaketh thus, “I can show you lots of things honey, but I can’t bring you the book. Laban keeps it locked up. Besides, why would you want to see pictures of the naked priestesses of Elkenah when you can see me, honey?”
27.And it came to pass that the men of Jerusalem did see Lehi talking to Jezeball, and Clitora, and Flavia, and they were angered, for they feared that he was trying to convert them, for the men of Jerusalem did love their harlots. And the men of Jerusalem did seek to take his life, and so it came to pass that Lehi had to suddenly flee.
28.And it came to pass that Lehi did not know whether to believe Jezeball, but he did ponder these things in his loins.