Many of you know the story of my SIL who met a guy at a single's dance several years ago and got engaged a month later. This happens is Moism but the difference was she was in her 40s and had a teenage son from a previous marriage and two younger kids. She didn't bother to check this guy out at all before bringing him into her home and giving him access to her children. But equally bad, she waited until her teenage son left for scout camp several weeks later then eloped with her boyfriend behind her son's back, without telling him or inviting anyone. Four years later, they are divorced and her kids are in therapy for what they went through at step-dad's hands.

Last night I found out that another, this time non-LDS friend pulled almost the exact same stunt. After her divorce, she moved away from our area and was introduced to a guy from Georgia via people at her church, through Facebook. After four months of internet chatting, she decides to fly out to Atlanta to visit him while her daughter is spending Christmas break with her father who still lives in our town. This is the first time they have met in person. The 15-year-old girl is my daughter's best friend and so last night they were having a sleepover when BF gets a text message from another friend - a screen shot of the Facebook page of Mr. Atlanta with the announcement of her mother's marriage. BF is sure it's a joke - her mother wouldn't marry someone without even introducing him to her still-living-at-home teenage daughter but no, mom has eloped and didn't even bother to tell the daughter - just let her find out about it through Facebook.

So my question is WHO DOES THIS TO THEIR CHILDREN? This may be the best possible marriage but it's done in the worst possible way - behind her still underage, still living at home child's back. Both BF and my nephew were old enough to be crushed by their parent's apparent betrayal, bringing another adult into their life without even inviting them to the wedding. At least nephew met his wicked step-dad before he left for camp. And there is no particular sign BF will have a wicked step-dad but she clearly has an insensitive one - who posts their marriage to their FB page until their spouse has had a chance to talk to each one of her kids? Honestly, I can no more imagine sneaking off and doing something like this behind my kids back than I can imagine .... well, intentionally hurting them in any other way either. And I'm just an ordinary parent - you don't have to be mother of the year to figure this one out, IMO. Or am I just hopelessly old-fashioned, putting my minor children first? Whatever, my heart is just breaking for this sweet girl who feels her mom has stabbed her in the back.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2014 05:14PM by CA girl.

Stoopid, selfish and dangerous! They ought to lose access to their children for at least a year.

7th Fleet and never come home and they still get the children.

I honestly wonder just how common is "common sense"?

My kids father did that. Ten years later, my kids are adults, but they still can't stand dads new wife. They're still pissed about him eloping.

I agree with you, CA girl. I believe that when minor children are involved, a great deal of caution is called for. I don't think that people should remarry before they know their partner for at least a couple of years. And women should be extremely careful of bringing a new man into the home when they have young daughters. A mother's first job is to protect her young.

Ugh the men do it too.

My dad did it. He proposed to my mom on their second date when he hadn't even been divorced 6 months. He didn't give a shit about his 2 young kids.

My ex did the same thing. Started dating 2 months after the kids and I moved out,and married the woman (only woman he dated) 2 months after our divorce was final. My 2 youngest (then 9 and 11) never met the woman and only knew their dad had a girlfriend right before the wedding. They were SO hurt and SOOO mad. Ex is pretty miserable now,and tells our adult kids (who tell me) he should have got to know her a little better.

Ya think?

(or my daughters know them) who will drop or put every relationship in their life aside when a guy walks into their life. They can meet a guy, immediately fall head over heels, and disappear until the relationship is over. As in: not returning phone calls, forgetting birthdays, blowing off plans with female friends, and not taking care of their responsibilities at home (including neglecting pets).

I think it's some kind of desperation for male companionship and validation that some women have, to the point that these kinds of women don't make good friends or roommates. I never thought of it, but I wonder if they'll make good mothers. Because they always put their need for a man ahead of common sense and ahead of long-term friendships. Fortunately, I don't know any mothers that have done this.

I can't imagine a woman bringing a man into her home without at least doing a background check, and seeing him interact with her children for a long time. Her responsibility to her kids should FAR outweigh her desire for (ahem) male companionship. And yes, I do think in these cases, the woman is not thinking with her brain.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2014 07:45PM by imaworkinonit.

It disturbs me that a mother would put aside her children's health and happiness for a relationship that probably won't last and will cause permanent damage to the kids.

If you decided to be a parent, those kids should come first.

Yeah. My kids came 1st. After my husband died and most of the family's income was lost (sure it was disability income but income nonetheless after care giving for a dozen years or more) the only person who came along and offered to help me keep their lives together was a mormon. My daughters will hate me for the rest of my life for this. I swear it would have been better for me to have just gotten murdered and them get the life insurance.

Some women just seem to be that way, unfortunately. My aunt has done almost the exact same thing. She hasn't married him (thank god!), but not even a year after meeting Doug on Facebook, he moved over here (without telling her four kids that he would be living with them) and has not left since-it's been almost two years that they've been together now. My cousins have really come to despise both him and my aunt, and her oldest, Kaitlyn, cannot wait to bolt out the door as soon as she turns 18.

I have known men to do the same kind of thing. In the context of TBMs I think a lot of it is sex. Can't have sex till you are married ya know.

Yeah, I think it's the sex thing to some extent too - it's really not the virtue Christians think it is to wait until they are married if it drives them to behave like this. I'm not saying everyone should be have sex anytime with anyone but if it's between sleeping with the boyfriend out of wedlock v. rushing into marriage to someone they don't know and shouldn't be trusting their kids with and doing it behind their kids back, well, you can't say the so-called virtuous choice is really the high road. I know those aren't the only two choices while dating with children at home but I don't think the kind of people who rush into marriage for sex reasons have any right to lord it over those who sleep together without the marriage.

I think some Mormon people just treat marriage as "Extreme Dating" and get in the habit of serial monogamy. I would not be surprised if my ex TBM spouse would do this if the "right" person came along.

I have a rule as a single Mom with older kids. I do not introduce who I date to my children unless its serious (IE, we are making big commitment.) No one has come close to that mark yet. My kids know I date and who. The men I have dated know this and are in full disclosure they will not meet my kids unless we both decide its time to open that door.

Anyone who dates me needs to know my kids are my world and he would be included in their world and vice versa if we grow into that commitment.

RMM

These trashy women make me ashamed to be of the same gender as they are.
It must be a "left the IQ behind when moron guy arrived" kind of thing.
Too bad the kids can't just leave and live with someone who gives a damn.

I got my divorce in the early 80's. I could tell you many funny stories about women desperate to be married, Help them raise their children, whatever. worst thing I could do was have sex with them. That was a serious step to many women. I was single, had a house, self employed. Felt like I was a constant target. Never remarried and have a very private and happy life.

and my boyfriend got here early to go to dinner.

Being a "divorcee" In the Mormon church, I didn't even look around and didn't plan on it after my ex left me. For many reasons. I didn't feel good about myself. AND one of the last things I needed was another man to 'take care of." I had my kids who needed me. I was surviving barely, working 2 jobs (at home), barely keeping ahead of the mess in the house if even that.

I didn't get married until I was 27 and I had a really good job before that. I loved being independent and not "needing" a man.

I don't know why so many women think they NEED a man and especially when it so deeply effects their children. My boyfriend came back into my life 6 months after my twins graduated from high school and it STILL impacted my children in HUGE ways. HUGE. I was surprised when my TBM daughter just recently told me that "he" is a good guy and she likes him. My son said he is glad I'm with him. SHOCKER. But even now I don't plan on remarrying. I don't ever want to depend on a man again EVER. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I expect him to do the same.

Oh, I was going to say that the ex-wives of some of my ex's friends all got remarried quickly (all TBM), and they are all divorced now. Many of their kids went to live with their fathers because of the new step-dad.

Many of these women remarry because they can't have sex without the marriage.

My cousin's husband remarried a month after she DIED. I think people are afraid to be alone. What they usually get is a mess, though. He did. Though he is still with her. All his kids moved out YOUNG, lived with other family members or ended up in foster care.

Stupid idiotic women who do this stuff don't deserve children. Eventually they may realize that men can come and go, but their children are blood and they are all that matters. My SIL put my brother ahead of her 3 children. To this day, (they are grown and have children)none of them even speak to her. So, she gave up her children and grandchildren for a horny old man, who now, runs around on her. Time to get off the stupid train.

I have a few extended relatives who divorced for whatever reason, found a new partner online, (living hundreds or thousands of miles away from each other), got together briefly (a couple weeks, maybe a month), then married. Kids? Yes. "Yours, Mine, and Ours," as they say.

Really. Desperate for sex.... or to fit in the mormon mold.... or unable to be alone. Whatever. I stand all amazed trying to wonder how people could think that's a good plan.

Too much, too fast, too soon. But they have to follow the script.