I'm hoping I can get some advice here. My mom just informed me the missionaries are coming for Christmas dinner and I'm torn on what to do.

A little background: I left the church 16 years ago and had my name removed 6 years ago. Considering the horror stories I have heard about families completely shunning family members who leave the church, I've had it pretty good. They were by no means happy and for a long time referred to it as some phase I was going through, but they have, for the most part, kept their views to themselves. Part of that is that they don't want to break up the family, but also the knowledge that my dad was a major catalyst to my leaving.

Anyway, I have celebrated Christmas with them every year; Christmas has always been more about family with us so I'm really not uncomfortable. I'm 100% okay with them praying before meals, etc., but I don't want to sit through entire meals when it's just a rehash of what they learned in church.

This year will be much different though with the missionaries there. My dad will really, really beef up the doctrine chat so the missionaries don't think he's a bad member and because he would want them to look back on their mission Christmases fondly and not think, "Remember that one family who didn't even mention the birth of Jesus?"

While I'm perfectly fine with them spending their Christmas with whatever guests they like, I have zero desire to sit through an hour of self-congratulatory indoctrination. I happen to love Christmas and this would be complete hell.

My question is this: do I just tell my family I'm sitting this Christmas out? The result of this would be my mother being heartbroken and every single member of my family thinking how selfish I'm being. I'm thinking possibly going for Christmas Eve, staying through Christmas and ducking out right before the missionaries come. It would be awkward, but might be better received than abandoning it all together. Thoughts?

Go and enjoy visiting with your family and celebrating the Christmas. In my (limited) experience, it will not be a teaching moment. And if the missionaries and family do make it into a missionary discussion, you an always say that you've had the lessons for the last x numbers of years and politely excuse yourself.

Do not alienate the family over something this one day but do be careful and remember what happens for the future.

I'd go with full intent on just enjoying your family. Odds are they have no plans to ambush you. And it's very likely the mishies are away from home at Christmas for the first time in their lives. I'd be proactive and approach the missionaries trying to get them to open up about themselves and what Christmas is like at their homes. Ask them what their plans are for when they return. If they try to steer you toward any sort of lesson, just smile and tell them you're there to enjoy Christmas with them and your family.

It's likely you'll have a couple of young people more filled with homesickness than any intent to reconvert you. Enjoy yourself and go out of your way to make them feel welcome. It'll destroy whatever preconceived notions they had, and you'll probably enjoy yourself more that way too.

I agree. Go and help keep the conversation general. If your dad gets started on a rant, either redirect him or see if you can get a side conversation going with someone else at the table. Even among my smaller family, sometimes side conversations develop after a while.

Can you drink a bottle of wine? If you drink, tell them that you do not celebrate Christmas without wine. Your rationale should be, "Our Lord drank wine."

Bringing alcohol into a non-imbibing household (family especially) strikes me as provocative. Kind of like taking out a cigarette and lighter and saying, "Mind if I light up?" while you light up.

I just noticed that what I wanted to tell you has already been said by others, may be with betters words. However, my thought is that, yes, possibly it will not be the Christmas you expected, but it is just one day out of 365 in one year and hopefully not your last Christmas. Enjoy your family, enjoy the food (hope your mom can cook well), and think about those two missionaries away from home, who will also rather be with their families, but can't. Merry Christmas! Buon Natale!


(cludgie, you are also here?)

And just who wants to know? I think I'm being followed by Kim Jong Un.

On my mission, I was invited to consecutive dinners on holidays. They might share a message, 'cuz they're pressured to by their zone conference or something, but they probably won't have time to really dig into you. I'd be surprised if it was more than "for unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a savior who is Christ the Lord. ...can we say a prayer? 'Kay, murry Chrismus."

Good luck.

with full-time sales people of the religion I had left.

I'm not sure what the best way to approach this would be. Perhaps it would be just to tell them that while it's a kind gesture to host young people who are away from home, in this case, it has made you uncomfortable. Maybe you can tell them plainly that you have chosen to pass on Christmas dinner to avoid an awkward religious discussion. If they were to clarify with the missionaries that religion will be "off topic" and give you assurances that this will not turn into a 'teaching moment' of any kind, then maybe it will be okay. But even then, if you are getting anxiety thinking about it, then just pass.

You said it yourself, "this would be complete hell". Nobody should have to put themselves through hell, or dread Christmas dinner anticipating it, just to please family. They KNOW you aren't Mormon anymore, and yet they invited them. It's their home, so they can do that. But you aren't obligated to be a captive audience.

Talk to the missionaries about home, their future plans when they get home, what their days are like doing missionary work, and maybe even ask how the church essays have affected their work.

Get to know them as young college-age kids and don't get into doctrine with them. I think they will welcome it and it will make your visit much better.

My family knows I will say what's on my mind. I don't do it viciously, but rather matter-of-fact. They don't want that; they want to remain in their sheltered bubble. So, they know to have their (silly) conversations outside of my presence.

That's often what people say when they have no regard for the feelings of others.

Pepper the conversation with questions to the missionaries about their families, what they want to be when they get back to regular life, what was their favorite part of high school. Have a few stories of you own you would like to tell. Most people really want to talk about themselves and once they start its easy to keep going.

If that doesn't work, say you don't feel well, get up from the table and go for a walk. Be extra apologetic about it and your point will get across. You can say later that all the heavy Mormon conversation left you feeling excluded. This puts them on the defensive in a nice way.


Those aren't very good, but I wanted to offer something. My family is the same. You should have heard the dinner conversation when Mark E. Peterson came for dinner after dedicating our chapel. I was still TBM but wanted to kill myself.

Just go enjoy being with your family and getting to know two reasonably interesting people you wouldn't otherwise have ever met. As for religious discussion, there's nothing to be afraid of. Just deflect any attempt to lure you into religious conversation unless it's a legitimate open dialogue and you want to engage. Otherwise, there's no harm in politely excusing yourself if you don't like where the conversation is going.

As for any "message" or "spiritual thought," remember you have truth on your side. You're not going to melt if they read part of the Christmas story and "testify" of its truthfulness. I bet you can survive the 10 minutes of discomfort to preserve your family relationships.

Christmas with the family will be interesting as my family our the only ones that left and everyone else is all in. There are still young kids so they re-enact the Joseph/Mary and Jesus in the manger story. Since it will be in a believer's home I'm leaving the beer at home. Scotch and eggnog would be a better combo to drink, pontificate and reflect on life before and after the "play" re-enactment. Either way, I hope there will be no teaching moments and only happy and joy of seeing one another.

I would go and have a plan in advance to escape or.deflect the conversation if it becomes a missionary experience. Can you tell your parents that you are not comfortable with preaching?Perhaps they could help you deflect any church talk.

I bet young guys like that would love to talk about general topics on Christmas day, like if they have a favorite football team, or what they do for fun back home. Well, maybe not that, it might make them cry.

I've gone to a few family Christmas gatherings where the missionaries came, and I actually don't remember them speaking to me at all after we were introduced. I think they wanted to eat and enjoy friendly company, and they mostly spoke to anyone who spoke to them first.

My older brother was hosting, and he's a good guy. Never tries to put anyone on the spot.

Christmas is a great day for remembering; ask the missionaries about their families' traditions, their best Christmas memory, the funniest thing that ever happened, what the pets did (I had a cocker who could find her wrapped rubber toy under the tree and would unwrap it), favorite Christmas movie ("You'll shoot your eye out!"), best present you ever got, etc.

I understand your anxiety about this. Try to turn it around a little and have some compassion for the missionaries, who are away from their own families and probably not very happy. Go into it with the attitude of I'm-going-to-be-sure-these-poor-indoctrinated-lads-have-a-good-day.

I think I would skip it.

"Not explore things we disagree on."

Show the missionaries how an ex-Mormon can share the true spirit of Christmas with them.

When they are on the way out themselves, they'll remember the example you showed them. ;o))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/20/2014 07:27PM by matt.

Lonesome young people have to spend time with some family for christmas. No reason to automatically think it has something to do with you. Just wander off if you must during their spiritual thought. Or change the topic (you might prepare some holiday ideas in case "Hey guys, I'd like to hear from you each about the christmas we each remember most and why? ...}

Go.

Enjoy it.

Have fun.

If it heads toward doctrine, just laugh and say "that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard". Then stop laughing, but on a straight face and say, "oh I'm sorry. You were serious. Please continue." 99.6% of the time that stops it.

Thanks so much for all the great advice everyone. Despite my opposition to missionary work, these are two young women who will be away from their families. I'm going to go keeping an exit strategy in place if needed. I choose my battles carefully with my family and don't want Chrismas dinner to be a warzone.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate the support and encouragement.

If the conversation turns to religion, say:

"C'mon, let's not turn Christmas into a Sunday School lesson! Peace on earth!"

Worst case they are indeed there as some kind of mormon intervention.
Best case, they really did just want somewhere to go for Christmas dinner.

You know your parents best, any guesses?
Either way, have a few polite subject changers in mind.
I would personally opt for Xmas Eve through Xmas morning, but you know yourself better to know how much you can handle.

If my parents were to do this, I would wish them a good time with their company and take off. I don't dare leave ANY encouragement. Ain't never coming back, and I reject everything about their church lifestyle. They have made it clear they believe women are second class, non-straights should all go straight to hell, and black people aren't allowed over the threshold of their house.
So that's why I draw just as firm a line myself. I am two of the above categories they look down their noses at.

Hopefully yours are more moderate.

When I had dinner with people on christmas during my mission, the last thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but my children and were physically abused by Mormon leaders at church. Also, I have a thing about being lied to. From my perspective, missionaries are stalkers of children. Their goal is to convert, brainwash, take our money. I would rather invite any other kind of salesperson to my home, and talk about cars, berry juice, cosmetics, vacuum cleaners, or whatever their product is.

Don't encourage them. Don't lead the missionaries into thinking that what they are doing is good. They are breaking up families, trespassing, and intruding into other people's lives.

Anyway, your parents can invite anyone they want to their house, and you would be a kind son not to make a fuss about this. But--you have your rights, too. I would not go to the dinner. Food isn't that important to me.

If you have children, do you want them to think missionaries are a good example to follow? Why are so many ex-Mormons afraid of simply stating the truth, simply and concisely, and moving on, accordingly. Your parents know the truth about you and the church. Why can't they just move on? No matter what anyone else says, I believe this is, indeed, a set-up.

It all depends on how you feel about the Mormon cult. In my view, they blaspheme against Christ and God. They are not Christian, and I wouldn't want to be around their missionaries on Christmas Day. No, I wouldn't want to debate with them, either. I would just want to be left alone for my holiday. If you feel like I do, then make sure you don't sit at the dinner table with them. Tell them you are going to lie down for an hour or so, or go visit an old friend in your hometown, or make some other plans for dinner (even if it is by yourself at McDonald's.) You can enjoy the leftovers, later, since you are staying there. Don't let anyone make an issue about this, but quietly and gently stand your ground. Merry Christmas!

LOL! You could always do what my friend's SIL does--he constantly wears ear buds during his visit. There's always a holiday sports event he wants to listen to. Maybe it's music, or maybe it is nothing at all! If anything controversial comes up, he just looks into space and says, "Huh?"