My daughter will be going there this next year to study Marine Biology. After reading afew things, I'm abit apprehensive in sending her to BYU-HAWAII. Is it really as lax in it's morals. Being a parent I kind of worry. What does she need to worry about and look out for? Are the young single adults close to the gospel there or is it a bit to relaxed? Please let a kind of stunned Mother know what the realities are so that we can base our decisions on what we need to do.

There's nothing to worry about if you've done a good job raising/teaching your progeny.

True Believing Member of the Church be asking a question like this of apostates on a Recovery from Mormonism site??

Yeah, I'm with Moose. Strange question.

I third the "weird" factor in this post.

Loose morals by Mormon standards are often quite conservative by normal standards.

As a mother about to see her oldest go off to university, I'd say, if you've done your best to love your daughter, if you've worked hard to instill in her a sense of social and moral justice while fostering a sense of self love and worth, then she'll be fine.

It is not your job to micromanage your adult child. Sit down with her and ask her about her goals, dreams and wishes. Help her with encouraging words, with some gentle reality thrown in.

Good luck from one mum to another.

What your daughter needs to know at BYU Hawaii or plain old BYU or Yale: HOW TO THINK CRITICALLY! (caps required :/)

Have you helped her to learn how to think critically? If you haven't actively done this, something that is not encouraged in the Mormon church, you had better get on the stick!

Wow, that's an interesting query, made even more interesting by the fact that you're her mother!

Are you a big fan of the notion that females should be virgins when they marry? If you are such a fan, were you?

If you were, who did you learn that from? And if you were, have you taught your daughter this worthy goal? If you have, are you now doubting the effectiveness of your lessons?

I don't really have a stand on casual sex. I know that sex can be a lot of fun. I know that we're all different...

The notion of parents controlling the thoughts and actions of their offspring is fertile ground for discussion. But in the end, I think it comes down to this: did you raise this child so that you can trust her? (Yeah, but trust her to do what?)

My basic permise with regard to raising kids is that they're going to do what they learned from watching you. Not listening to you, WATCHING you, if you get the difference.

(It would be hilarious if someone posted as "jgeebiz's daughter" and got all blustery at this airing of semi dirty laundry!)

BYU Hawaii + Marine biology = Sex on the seashore

Nothing like a little sand getting where it doesn't belong.

Never been there. I imagine it would be (like) paradise though, especially if you take the BUY out of BYUH.

When I was living in Hawaii at every stake conference the stake president talked about adultery and fornication. Seriously, everytime he spoke at conference that was his topic. There must have been a whole lot of messing around going on in the aloha state.

It matters not what school your daughter goes to for her education, she is going to do whatever she wishes when she is out of your sight. Her character is already formed and it is time to let go.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/18/2014 08:17PM by michaelc1945.

If you are worried about your daughter having sex in college, make sure she's knowledgeable about birth control. This sounds like your big worry, just a guess, though. If she does have sex, depending on the kind of relationship you have with her, she may never tell you. It's not something to be afraid of. Kids will be kids.

On the other hand, if she is going into heavy science, she may not have much time for dalliances.

I think, if you've done a great job raising her, she'll be fine. Even if she does make mistakes. That's how we learn, right?

I went to BYU and honestly, I wish I would have made more mistakes, otherwise known as living life. It sucks having life pass you by and not taking the time to smell roses. It truly bites.

If your daughter has celebrated her 18th birthday, she is a legal adult.

From the day of her 18th birthday forward, she will seek (and heed) your advice and input as she thinks best, given all the variables under consideration at any point in time.

Sometimes she will make what she later regards as mistakes. This is normal and expected...this is how adults learn, and how they acquire (over time) wisdom.

Some of the mistakes she will make will be things where she went against what she knows/knew were your wishes, thoughts, and opinions. (In other words, had she heeded your direction, she would not have made the mistake.) This is also normal and expected...she is learning how to separate out the true wisdom that you gave to her from the limited/not-so-good/incorrect opinions that you have acquired in your own life. Her job is to take what you have given to her, and then go beyond it---to a higher level of wisdom and understanding. (At some point in her adult life, she should---ideally---be a role model for YOU.)

In other words, and in many (though not all) ways, being a parent is in some ways time-limited, if they did the job correctly. One of the most important responsibilities of a parent is to raise a child, who will become an adult, who will (at some point in time) have MORE knowledge and wisdom than their parent does...this is how humankind as a whole progresses in a positive direction.

From your words, it sounds as if your daughter begins this lifetime journey at BYU-Hawaii.

Unless she seeks your guidance, from now on her life is her own (until she takes on responsibilities for others).

Her matriculation to college marks the beginning of the process of your retirement from active parenthood.

Cherish your daughter for the adult that she is and is becoming...respect her choices if you possibly can (unless they are criminal, irresponsible, etc.)...and give her the freedom as an adult to fly.

Chances are, the "tree" she will eventually choose, and the "nest" she will eventually create, will be ones that---at THAT point in time---you will be proud of.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/18/2014 09:30PM by tevai.

Don't be surprised if she has a pair of coconuts hanging from her rear view mirror before the first semester ends.

I think this dear TBM mom figured out what kind of forum this is and ran...

Well, the name, Exmormon.org does come across as complete ambiguous... How would she know?

Or the TBM mom is actually doing research for a good church talk (however hypocritically the church is), if you'll note all of the good suggestions posted on this site, that always seem to surface in GC talks, etc.

Elder OldDog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Well, the name, Exmormon.org does come across as
> complete ambiguous... How would she know?


Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhha... maybe she's psychic?

My BIL studied marine biology there. Now he's a bookkeeper. He does take good care of his goldfish.

Why on earth would you send her to any of the BYUs to study a biology-based field? A school that cannot properly teach evolution is a terrible start in this field. Although my colleagues tell me that BYUs business related fields of study are tolerably respected, no one respects their science degrees and many of us are quite suspicious of their engineering degrees. Seriously, loose morals should be the least of your concerns here.
Dabners

You wanna know what your daughter needs to know?

That she is in control of herself and her choices.

That she can say no and that no is a complete sentence.

That she has a voice and a right to be heard.

That she is a strong, smart, intelligent person who can do whatever she puts her mind to. If she wants it badly enough, she'll find a way to get it.

That she has all the tools of logic and reason and empathy to make all the best decisions for herself and her life.

That it's HER life and nobody else's and nobody else has to live with the consequences of HER choices.

That her words, and her actions, and her choices, are her responsibility and no one else's.

That she should never allow anyone else to tell her who to be or what to say or how to act or dress or even what to eat or drink--not even her parents get to make those decisions for her anymore.

That you can recover from your mistakes. Almost no decision affects your life permanently and forever. There are do-overs in real life. Just use mistakes to learn something.

That morals have nothing to do with sex. Morals are about who you are and how you treat people -- do you have integrity, are you kind, that sort of thing. There's ethics related to sex but how you have sex and when and where and with whom have nothing to do with whether or not you are a moral person. An institution cannot have morals; it is not a conscious entity. All institutions have rules and social mores and it's up to your daughter to think for herself and question authority and decide for herself if those rules make sense and are in place for the betterment of society or if they are there to control her choices for her.

That's all I got.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2014 09:26AM by dogzilla.

Dogzilla, why the heck haven't you been invited to give the graduation address at every school in America. You said it all!

I wrote that two years ago.

I'm thinking the issue is lack of exposure. I should be more famous, apparently. I'll get right to work on that.

;-)

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Well, I'm printing that out for both of my daughters now.

I hope with all my heart as a mother and as an employee working in higher ed. that you will talk to her about sexual assault on campuses and how to stay safe, how to report one, and what to do if she knows of one or becomes a victim.

http://itsonus.org

It happens on EVERY campus--even a "safe" LDS campus.

^^ This. Young women need to be especially careful about walking on campus after dark. Either stay in well-lit areas, or walk with a friend. Many campuses have designated students who will walk with you from the library back to your dorm.

Also, every woman should know some basic self-defense and should exercise caution about inviting young men to their dorms or apartments when alone.

I agree with this. She should be careful about walking around campus at dark, and to always go with a friend or one of those students who work with the campus police at night to make sure students get back to their dorm or car. Even though a campus might be "safe" because it's a BYU school, sexual assaults do happen.

Another thing I'd tell her or any incoming freshman is to be sure not to leave even nonalcoholic drinks unattended, and to only accept something where you saw the person break open a factory sealed container and pour it directly into a cup or glass.

Sometimes you just want/ (need) to leave home. Aloha state or not, you're going to do what you're going to do: 'Bloom Where You Are Planted' It's amazing what one (or two, or more) can do in Provo. I can only imagine the paradoxes in paradise.

I love Hawaiian music. I'd love it much more if I too were in Hawaii, 30 years ago, or even right now.

Maybe a parent teaches it's child to grow up 'straight' but instead they decide (they want) to grow up "true".

If she's a TBM mom, I think she quickly realized that she was on an *ex* site and started shaking uncontrollably, slammed the laptop shut and hugged her BoM; on the other hand, maybe she figured a bunch of wacky exmo's would tell the real truth.

On the other, other hand, if she's a TBM mom, she might worry that true evil such as bare shoulders may be on display and her daughter will be tempted to wear a tank top, you know, being sunny Hawaii and all...

Short list: If you go looking for it you can find it.

If she's cute and fun, and bright, about 29 and wild and NOT Mormon? me! What she needs to know is herself, which is self contained!

wasn't George Costanza a marine biologist ?