So here it is...

I am a 16 year old highschooler and my parents are Mormon. I have my doubts to say the least, but my parents do not know about that. Only a few very close friends are privy to that information

My dilemma is that I sit at a lunch table with a few people and one of those people is one of my TB friends ( let's call him Dave)

While a that table people were picking on Dave for being a Mormon, and then Dave had to say "you (my name) is a Mormon also" I am still active to not disappoint my parents, but no one at my school knows I am Mormon because I've never talked about it before. I also don't anyone to figure out I am a Mormon because I don't really want to be affiliated with them while I decide which life path to take. Once they know it will spread and people will pick on me for something I'm not. (No one at my school really likes Mormons because a lot of them have double standards about things and then they try to spread the gospel to them. I know the church often is trying to horrible, but some of these people really stain the church worse than it already is)

On the other hand though I can't tell them I'm not really a TBM because that will spread and my parents will hate me for that.

I really don't know what to do and I know you guys will help me.
Any help is appreciated.

I was in a similar situation. This was a long time ago, back when telephones had dials and blacks didn't have the priesthood, but some things never change.

There were maybe 3-4 Mormons in my suburban Los Angeles high school. And since the others were in different grades or different classes, I didn't hang out with any of them. As far as I was concerned, then, I might as well have been the only one.

All my friends knew I was LDS, and for the most part they didn't give me grief for it. But once in a while, they'd fire off a polygamy joke or comment at me. I'd simply laugh with them to show them that I understood. What was I going to do, start defending polygamy? Not very likely, especially since I agreed with them.

Dave doesn't get to sit with you any longer. Do what you can to cut him off. You can say, without lying, that it's not because he's Mormon, it's because he can't keep his fat mouth shut and you can't trust him.

The word may already be out, though, and in that case you'll simply have to deal with it. So here's how I would do it.

First, never defend the church's positions. If people at school start attacking you for something stupid the church or some Mormon did or said, *do not* get all defensive. Instead, you can respond with something like, "Look, guys, I understand where you're coming from. I get it, I really do. I'm not going to defend [dumb church thing]." Or, "You know, I'm really not thinking about [dumb church thing]. Right now I'm just trying to [get good grades, ace the next exam, etc]." Nod your head in sympathy with them, or shake your head in exasperation with the dumb church. Laugh with them at how silly the church is, while actually saying as little as you can.

Second, downplay your church membership. It's not a good policy to lie, but minimize it as best you can. It's just a tiny part of who you are, and not by any means your best part. It sounds like you already have a good core of friends who'll support you.

Third, continue to be the good, caring, tolerant person you are. Even if others find out that you're LDS, you can be "the cool Mormon," not at all like those other Mormon clowns and nitwits at your school.

Congratulations on figuring it out so early. Do your best to avoid a mission and going to BYU.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2016 01:50AM by Book of Mordor.

Thanks for the help

I am home sick today with the flu, but tomorrow I should be better and dealing with this. The only problem I have is that Dave and I are pretty close friends as we both learn piano at the same place and he was pretty cool up to this. He did have a lot of double standards (e.g. Racist jokes and well.. Just not being the best person) , but overall I thought he was cool until he had to tell everyone.

Eh, I'll try to downplay it as much as I can and be cool about it.

Thanks to both of you that replied. This site has really helped me deal with my Mormon problems through the last weeks after I've been faking it for about a year.

People used to always ask me why so many arrogant jerks , pricks , and every other fleabag on the planet seemed to be Mormon. I'd say simply " arrogant jerks , pricks , and fleabags can go to any church they want..........there's just a lot that seem to gravitate to the Mormon Church ". I have 3 kids who are in their early 20's now. 2 have never really liked the church & the 3rd one was strong but is getting more 'iffy' about it. My husband & I never forced the church on our kids. But a lady who used to be one of my best friends used to brag about how she FORCED her kids to go to church be damned. If they didn't wanna go --- tough shit. My husband & I have been inactive for 6 years. But every kid in the entire stake thinks we're the coolest guys on the planet & they all wanna run away to our house to keep from being forced to go to church. ( We live in the midwest ). This caused a lot of people in the church here to hate us. Long story for another day. I agree with Book of Mordor........If this TBM jerk/friend would throw you under the bus at school around all of your friends....he is NOT your friend. Stay away from him. What a tough situation. Tell your friends " Let's please just concentrate on school & stuff. I don't wanna deal with this church stuff here". They'll appreciate your candid honesty. Insist on dropping the church stuff right there & then. ( If nothing else , say " I'm sick of people shoving it down my throat just because I have other stuff to worry about , like that good lookin' girl over there". ;-)
Then change the subject to something positive real QUICK. It'll help empower you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2016 02:43AM by nitrameequc.

Would it help if you responded to questions as to whether you are Mormon with a "well yeah, my FAMILY is Mormon"? I think most high schoolers are unhappy with some aspect of their family life/ traditions but participate anyway because they don't really have a choice. So chances are that your non-Mormon friends will be able to sense your reluctance in this seemingly innocuous statement, while your Mormon friends won't really find it too controversial or indicative of major doubts.

I would come up with one or more standard replies that you don't have to think about a whole lot. You could say something like, "Yeah, that is the church that I have been raised in, but don't worry, I won't try to convert you." Or you could say jokingly, "Yeah, but I'm not a very *good* Mormon." Or, when a friend points out some Mormon lunacy, "I'm not going to try to defend that one" while rolling your eyes.

In other words, respond in such a manner that your friends know you have a sense of humor about it and take it with a grain of salt. I think that most kids understand that parents make them do certain things that they would rather not do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2016 11:10AM by summer.

"Now how about we change the subject and not talk about a subject that doesn't belong here?"

You know, it's possible that 'Dave' was frustrated at you for not stepping up to defend him in the situation. By outing you he may have been trying to prod or force you into defending him. Not exactly adult behavior, but we're not exactly dealing with adults here.

Your dilemma is yet another example of the broader Mormon Dilemma: you're trapped in a system that's designed to give you a choice between going along with the system or wishing that you had. That is, by making non-cooperation with the system as painful as possible, then any other pain such as being picked on at school is less pain and therefore worth enduring.

The system rules by fear, including fear of the known and fear of the unknown. Remove the unknowns as many as you can as much as you can. Either by moving them to the known fear column, or by removing them altogether.

If you don't know how your parents would react to something, but you're afraid of how they might react, then that is fear of the unknown. Don't presume, ask. Of course, asking directly could be problematic, so ask indirectly. Hypothetically. There are ways to test the waters without stirring up trouble for yourself.

Remember, parents are just kids like yourself who grew up. As parents of teens they would be navigating difficult waters even without the Mormonism element making things harder for them. As it is, they've got a very tough job -- I would say an impossible one -- so give them some consideration about that. People stuck in impossible situations act weird; it's to be expected.

For all you know, one or the other of them, or both, are doing the Mormonism thing out of obligation, not belief. No matter how hard any person insists, you just never know for sure. Until you're both out, and can talk freely.

Your time will come, it's just not here yet. Patience.

Best of success,

JAR

I agree that I could of helped my tb friend, but again it was the fear of the others finding out I was a Mormon. I am not really (or can't really)be mad at my TB friend for almost asking me to defend him and I am really not. I'm just kind of mad that it did happen.

I think it will get better soon.

Thanks