My wife is TBM. I resigned my membership two years ago. The first year I was out of the Church was pretty hard on our marriage. We discussed divorce a few times (we had other issues in our marriage besides religion). Last December, we decided that we would commit to staying married for one full year (through the end of 2014) and not consider or discuss divorce at all.

After we made that commitment, we saw significant improvement in our marriage. We stopped talking about religion at all, and that eliminated much of the friction. We also worked on other aspects of our marriage, and those areas greatly improved. About two or three months into this one-year period, we both came to the conclusion that we wanted to stay married and never consider divorce ever again. Throughout this year, things have continued to get better, and I was feeling great about our marriage. In fact, I would say that this has been the best year of our marriage, even better than all those years we were both TBM (we’ve been married for almost 20 years).

Several days ago, my wife and I were sitting on the couch next to each other when my wife got a text. I was close enough that I saw the notice pop up on her phone. It was a man’s name. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but she acted nervous, and said something explaining why she got the text. I can’t remember what she said, but it seemed as though she was trying to hide something. It kept eating at me the rest of that day, and I couldn’t sleep that night, so I got up in the middle of the night and decided to read the text she had received. I’ve never read her texts before—never had a reason or desire to, though I should mention that we have an agreement that we are free to read each other’s texts and emails.

My wife is in a musical production being put on by our stake. The man who had sent her the text plays her husband in the musical. I’ll call him “Eric”. She had joked about going to practice with her “other husband” but had never said anything else about him. I started reading their texts back and forth to each other. They had started texting each other about three weeks earlier. During those three weeks, they probably averaged around 80 or 90 texts to each other a day. For reference, my wife and I average around 5 texts to each other per day. It took me over two hours to read through their texts to each other over the three-week period. I also got on her email account, and they had sent quite a few emails to each other.

Between the texts, emails, and several hours a week that they spend practicing for the musical, they have communicated far more than she and I have. Some of the texts were about the musical, which of course is understandable. Most of the texts were just friendly banter—my wife is a jokester, and Eric apparently has a similar sense of humor, and they really enjoyed joking back and forth with each other.

There are several factors that made me worried about this close friendship that had formed. Eric’s wife left the Church around 7 years ago, and they have had significant problems in their marriage. In fact, they have pretty much decided to get a divorce, and are waiting until January so their kids won’t have bad memories around Christmas time. My wife and Eric share a lot in common in addition to similar senses of humor: living with an apostate spouse, love of music, and, most importantly, dedication to the Church. For both of them, the gospel is the most important thing in their lives, just like it was for me when I was TBM.

Through their interaction over the last few weeks, they had developed an emotional intimacy. When something happened in her life, she’d fire off a text to Eric, and then they’d text back and forth. She’s never done this with me with anywhere near the frequency with which she was doing it with Eric. She sent him pictures of cute things our kids did. At least three times over the last three weeks, she had made treats for him, and he had made some pumpkin pancakes for her. Sometimes they’d give the treats to each other at the musical practice, but twice, she dropped them off at his house. I should add that for one of those three weeks, I was out of town on business.

They commiserated with each other over the difficulties of being married to an apostate spouse:

My wife: “I’m guessing we’re similar in that play practice feels like an “escape” sometimes. It’s a nice break from harsh realities for me, and of course it’s fun to talk to you!”
Eric: “It is a great escape, and a pleasure to be with friends.”

In the musical, my wife plays a woman who experiences great suffering.

Eric: “For me, you are the “real” [my wife’s character]. Your righteous desires are just as real as hers and the suffering just as deep. Your trust in God and hope for deliverance are what allow you to find joy in laughter and the peace I was talking about yesterday. Let all of that show! I’ll help you do that in whatever way you think is best.”
My wife: “Your sensitivity and perception surprise me—in a good way of course. I’ve really enjoyed conversing with you and appreciate your insights. I think I felt a little affronted when [another cast member] told me I needed to feel the [my wife’s character] part deeply. How can I not?!! There are so many parallels of [my wife’s character]’s suffering to other trials in my life, but one thing I love about the play is the reminder that she and [Eric’s character] are in it together and support each other…which is a nice zinger at my reality, but what can you do? :) Whether you know it or not, you’ve provided a lot of support to me in real life, and I’m already feeling sad that we’re near the end of this happy little bubble.”
Eric: “I think I could just say ditto to everything you just said.”

Sometimes they made jokes that I normally would have thought were funny since they’re playing husband and wife in a play (and their parts in the script include kissing, hand holding, and hugging), but considering everything else, they made me a little uncomfortable:

My wife: “That’s just what I was going to say! See, we are an old married couple!!”

Eric: “So…tired…do you think anyone would notice if I didn’t show up tonight?”
My wife: “But who would kiss me?? :)”

My wife: “OK. Go to your meadow. Pick some flowers for me.”
Eric: [Sends a bunch of pictures of flowers.]
My wife: “Oh my. Oh my!”
Eric: “I would have sent more, but the EPA was threatening to start regulating my text account.”
My wife: “Ever conscientious.”

My wife: “I need to love around too.
DOH. I meant move!!!!!!
Ha ha. Worst one I’ve missed so far.”
Eric: “Are you sure that was an accident???”
My wife: “Ha ha. Can’t slip anything by you, huh?!
That one better not spread past us.”

My wife: “Can’t wait to see you *blushing* :).”

My wife: “Ha ha. It’s a typical Sunday. Enough said?! :)
I told [a friend] today that I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays. I love them and hate them.
But my day doesn’t compare with your day. You win the prize, unfortunately, for the worst day. Sorry, my friend.”
Eric: “I’m sorry…and totally understand.”
My wife: “Yes, I know you do. That’s why we are texting buddies, remember? :)
Oh yeah—and fake husband and wife :) :).”
Eric: “I don’t know how they picked a more compatible pair!”
My wife: “Yeah, I bet [another married couple in the play] have really struggled with acting like a married couple…”
Eric: “They do seem a bit distant…”
My wife: “Ha ha. Maybe you and I could give them a few pointers on the finer arts of half hugs and hand kissing.”
Eric: “My thoughts exactly!”

Eric: I am curious what your first impressions [of me] might have been and how they have changed over the brief time you have known me.
My wife: Just look at your profile pic! Who wouldn’t want to sit by you?!

Eric grew a beard for the play, and my wife teased him about it, saying that he would look better when he shaved it off. Eric said he had decided to keep it.

My wife: “I’m fresh out of ideas for your next look. I guess you’ll have to shave it off. Even if you don’t go all the way, you could go for the George Clooney look. Yum.”

They both made some comments about how they wanted to get together to have a private conversation:

My wife: “Sounds like we need to have some more real conversations. I’ve been thinking a lot of how I can be a real friend to you. Your situation is tough. I must say, though, it’s amazing to know there is someone else who knows a bit of what I’m going through.”

My wife: “I still would like to talk to you about some things on my mind…but only if it doesn’t make things awkward or worse at your home. There are things that can only be said in person, I’ve come to realize.”

Eric: “Are you going to the temple session with the cast?”
My wife: “I hope to! … Next Tuesday night may be a little tricky bc my inlaws will be in town, and my husband will be expecting me home 2 hours after the session starts, but I def want to be there. Sigh again :).”

My wife: “It sounds like we need to have a real conversation instead of just a texting one. Are you OK??”
Eric: “I would love to have that conversation.”
My wife: “ OK…so when are we going to have this person-to-person talk? (It sounds so serious when I say it like that). Play practice has not really worked for us :).”
Eric: “I keep trying to figure that out. It’s a bit trickier being friends with someone of the opposite gender. I can’t just say…”I’m going to go grab breakfast with [my wife] just cause we want some friend time.”
My wife: “I know!!! I’ve had the same thoughts. My problem is I don’t want to share with [a mutual friend] some of my stuff since she knows my husband. It’s too personal. Is that weird that it doesn’t seem too personal if I talk about some things with you??”
My wife: “I’m in a bit of a pickle though. I seem to have left costco with an extra pumpkin pie. Know anyone who could use it? Or how I could get it to him?”

It was apparent that they were planning on meeting alone together after the cast temple session, which was two days after I started reading these texts. I didn’t say anything to her about reading any of her texts. When the day of the temple session arrived, my wife mentioned to me that some people from the cast were going to get together after the session, and then she was going shopping, so she might be home a little later. The session ended at 8 pm and she got home shortly after 10. I mentioned that I expected her home later, since when she gets together with friends, she usually stays out late. She said, “The cast members all went home, and I just talked with some women. It was like a Relief Society get-together.”

That night after we went to bed, I got up and checked her text account again. Sure enough, she had sent a text to Eric at 9:45 thanking him for meeting with her, and he texted back about how much he enjoyed the session and sharing some things with her.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I got back into bed the next morning and waited for her to wake up. When she did, I asked her why she had been untruthful with me the night before about where she was and whom she was with. She said that she wasn’t untruthful; she went to the temple, talked with some friends, and went shopping. She didn’t admit that she had been with Eric until I told her I had read her texts. Then she said that Eric had been at the temple and had mentioned he wanted to share something with her, so after they left the celestial room, they sat down on a couch, and he shared something from Third Nephi that had been meaningful to him. Note that this is not the type of meeting that I had expected given the texts quoted above.

I told her that I was worried that Eric had replaced me as her closest confidant. That she and Eric have more in common, especially when it comes to religion which is the most important part of her life, and that my wife and I have nothing in common regarding religion and we can’t ever even talk about it at all. I acknowledged that she and I did have a lot of shared experience, and we have five kids together, but the fact that Eric was planning on divorcing his wife made me seriously wonder whether my wife was planning on leaving me for Eric. I told her that she had developed a significant emotional intimacy with Eric. She said that there had been no physical intimacy, and I believed her. I was still quite worried.

I asked if we could look at some of their texts so she could help me understand how I could be interpreting them incorrectly. We looked at several texts including the ones quoted above, and for each text, she would explain it away as just joking or her just trying to console Eric with the struggles he was having in his life.

She apologized that her interaction with Eric had hurt me. She insisted that it was only a friendship, nothing more. She didn’t admit that she had done anything wrong. She didn’t even admit that she had lied about meeting up with Eric after the temple session. But she agreed to send Eric a text and tell him that they needed to scale back their friendship. She did this, and he texted back that he totally understood, and they haven’t texted since. They are, however, in the middle of a week of performances of the play, so they’re spending a whole lot of time together this week.

I attended the first two performances of the play. I had extreme emotions on both ends of the spectrum. My wife had never before acted in a play or sung solos in front of people, and she had been nervous to try out for this play. It took quite a bit of convincing from me for her to try out, and she ended up getting one of the major parts. She was amazing. She has great natural acting ability, and she sings beautifully. I was so proud to see my wife performing so beautifully.

And it absolutely killed me to see her performing with Eric. Through the kissing, hand holding, hugging, and long periods where he keeps his arm around her, I just bawled like a baby. I wanted to believe her that there was nothing there, but I had a hard time convincing myself.

It’s been several days since I first talked to her about this. Through our interactions during that time, I am becoming more convinced that she really does still love me and definitely wants to stay in our marriage. We had a discussion last night in which she again apologized for the whole situation. She felt, though, that I had come to my conclusion about what was happening between her and Eric, and then I searched the texts for evidence to support my conclusion. She said that she doesn’t want to feel like her every word is being scrutinized or that she has to be careful about how she says things so that her words don’t come back to bite her later. So she wants a new policy that we no longer read each other’s texts and emails. She also wants to continue her friendship with Eric, though she promised to not let it get back to the level of intimacy that it previously was. She feels like he’s a good friend with whom she has a lot in common, and she doesn’t want to end that friendship.

I am uncomfortable with agreeing never to read her texts or emails. I should state that I do believe her now that she loves me and wants to stay married. I also believe she had no ill intentions with her friendship with Eric. I understand her desire to not feel scrutinized, and I know that I jumped to some erroneous conclusions about her texts. I also don’t think I should be dictating whom she can and can’t be friends with. I don’t want to be a controlling husband.

I have not yet agreed to stop reading her texts and emails. I’ve told her that I have no intention of reading them for the foreseeable future, but I don’t want to promise never to do so. I am not going forbid her to be friends with Eric. I don’t like it, since, even if she is being completely truthful that it was never more than a friendship, I feel like it’s a dangerous one given the circumstances of their marriage and ours.

Any thoughts? Should I agree to stop reading her texts and emails? Should I not be worried about her friendship with Eric? Am I being overly sensitive and worrying too much, or am I being properly cautious in protecting my marriage?

You have every right to be upset. If your portrayal of events is accurate then your wife is engaging in an emotional affair and has poor boundary control. She went on a date with him to the temple for Pete's sake.

There's no way she should be this involved in the emotional goings-on of a member of the opposite sex whom she's just met and who is terminating a long-term relationship.

A lot of people will likely disagree but you should insist that she end her relationship with "Eric" and start seeing the effect of her lack of boundary setting is having on her relationship with you.

My wife and I are both exmo now but, even for the time that I was transitioning out and she was TBM, we were still each others emotional priorities.

Holy cow. What a story. I'd be nervous. I'm scheduling counseling for my marriage soon. I guess I'd recommend it to you, too.

this is bad

I agree with Dave, Concerned. Your DW is way too intimate with this man. This seems to be a real, potentially marriage-ending, problem.

Counseling could help. I feel you need to marshal all your personal resources in an eyes-open, concerted effort, if you wish to save your marriage.

I hate to say it but the texts are real and very telling. She wasn't joking around. You don't send those kind of texts (and send so many) if you don't really care for that person.

I don't care if there was physical activity or not, she is having an affair. Society defines an affair as only being physical, but she is definitely stepping out on you.

I hate to be so blunt and it must hurt to hear someone say this, but she is done with you. I think you were far too fair with her. You need to call her out on the carpet for this one. It's unacceptable and I'm literally angry for you and frustrated as hell that she "got away with this" so to speak. She committed emotional adultery and got away with it.

Unless she shows some REAL contrition and regret, I think you two may be done. Unless of course, you are content being with someone who doesn't respect you.

Also this "So she wants a new policy that we no longer read each other’s texts and emails." is extremely telling I'm afraid...she should be bending backwards to regain your trust, not the other way around.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2014 06:49PM by exldsdudeinslc.

This ^

It is telling that she doesn't want you to read her texts and emails anymore.

She is/was having an emotional affair with this man. It is just wrong that she was sharing things about YOUR children with this guy.

I agree with others that counseling is in order.

That was/is definitely an emotional affair.

You don't even have to point to any specifics in the texts, the sheer volume and the fact that she is sharing adorable moments with YOUR kids with him rather than you tells the whole story.

But mormons are so hyper focused on the physicality of sex it is no surprise that she has no idea that an emotional affair is a betrayal too. It's not like a cult advocating any two worthy members can make a successful marriage is giving out any advice on how to be a good spouse.

Counseling, please. To put your mind at ease if she means to stay with you, and define emotional affair for her so she knows not to do it again.

Absolutely do not agree to what she is proposing. Talk to Eric if you feel things are not on the up and up. Or, ask her if Eric's wife would feel that the relationship was proper, if they were not divorcing. Put it all in a different light or context for her and ask her what she would think. I.e. you have a new non mormon or ex mormon friend who you exchanged that many texts with or spent alone time with, taking/receiving treats from, etc... Good luck, and please don't close your eyes to what you don't want to see.

conernedHusband Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Any thoughts?

I am probably the worst to reply since I have many female friends here at work and the "old marriage couple" thing is a big joke.

> Should I agree to stop reading her
> texts and emails?

I don't know why one would have to read them? If there is concern she should be honest with you if not the trust is gone.

> Should I not be worried about
> her friendship with Eric?

Sounds like you already answered that one.

> Am I being overly
> sensitive and worrying too much, or am I being
> properly cautious in protecting my marriage?

You said you've talked about divorce. It is on the table whether you talk about it or not.

In your shoes, in your situation, I would be very concerned.

I don't see why men and women can't be grown-ups and just be friends, but TSCC taints and turns everything into some kind of sin or no-no. That creates a repressive atmosphere where something innocent can blow up into something catastrophic.

Working with someone in close quarters, especially a play, can create a very deep intimacy for that time period. She must feel something missing from her life, so she's using Eric to fill that void. (Not that an emotional affair is an excuse.)

I would recommend seeing a non-LDS marriage counselor.

Professional help. Let HER choose the counselor. You must feel terrible right now. Take care.

When Im dating someone I send texts to them like that.

Sometimes, because dating is hard and I have no idea what Im doing and because I am a stupid young guy, I'll wind up talking to two people at once.

I usually give one preference. The preferred one will get numerous texts like that. The other goes to the back burner.

Now at the same time, I don't care "deeply" about these people. It's simple dating, simple interaction, simple flirtation.

So sometimes people talk like that even if nothing "Serious is going on.

However, I'm not married. And I only do this with people I am "dating".

She might not be aware... but this kind of emotional affair can be more dangerous than if she were to simply have sex with the guy.

Some of those may very well have been said in jest. I joke like that sometimes... but those kind of jokes serve a second purpose. To test the waters.

I really see no difference between this and if there had been little/no texts and physical intimacy. In fact in many ways your story is worse than a physical affair in my opinion. Honest truth.

This might not be as bad as you think, although I could be wrong.

A married person can definitely get caught up with someone of another gender, especially if they share something similar to what your wife and that guy do.

You caught it early and as long as your wife catches herself and stops contacting this guy, that might be the end of it.

However, the real concern I would have is that your wife appears to not ever have admitted that what she was doing was wrong, and inappropriate for a married person to be doing.

Just because you want your wife to cut contact with some dude who she has emotionally cheated on you with, does not make you a controlling husband.

I think you should explain to your wife how concerned you are with what she did and where things will inevitably lead if she lets it continue. Tell her that based off her obvious feeling for this guy, she needs to cut of contact or risk serious harm to your marriage. Basically, she needs to chose between that guy and you. That doesn't make you controlling, it makes you a concerned husband who loves his wife.

This is an LDS stake musical and two people who weren't married to one another were cast to play husband and wife in scenes that required hand holding, hugging and kissing? That seems very inappropriate for a LDS production. Wow.

Oh my... whether she admits it or not he (Eric) is filling an emotional need she has, I would have her cut off all contact. And get into couples counseling, ASAP. This will not end well if she continues to see or communicate with him. Its like a moth drawn to a flame. There is a spark between them and it will only grow over time if allowed. keep the lines of communication open between the two of you and talk to her.
Hope for the best for you both.

My husband and I went through something very similar. I was the one emailing and texting but it was to someone that wasn't in the same state as me.

We were at a very bad point in our marriage, ultimately we separated not because of the emails and texts but because my emotional affairs was due to a strained relationship with my husband.

My husband just wanted me to stop talking to this man but he was my only outlet, he was the one who listened to me, my husband wasn't there for me and that is why I turned to someone else.

My husband reading my texts and emails only served to piss me off because he was willing to go through all that effort but wasn't willing to see the issues in our marriage.

It was only after me actually split up for a few months that our relationship improved. We both had to work on our issues.

So I would Suggest counseling and figure out why she went to him before you, get to the root of the issue, there has to be more going on. And definitely do not do an LDS counselor.

Sending cute pics of kids to a good friend is NOT the same as shagging someone. So far, she hasn't done anything she wouldn't do or said anything she wouldn't say to a close woman friend. IMHO, that's the test. She's not snogging or embracing him offstage. She's even scaled back the friendship and is not texting with him in order to please you. Would she have done that if she was "done with you?" No.

An affair is, by definition, sexual. Actual sex, cybersex, phone sex, and sending pics of one's naughty bits is sexual. Emotional sharing is not sexual. Sending pics of flowers, landscapes, and the kids in their Halloween costumes or whatever is not an "emotional affair." If that were the case, most people with smartphones and Instagram accounts could be considered adulterers and sluts on a massive scale.

It sounds like you're feeling insecure because of previous talk about the divorce and because you expect her to meet all her social and emotional needs only with you. Jealousy and insecurity can kill relationships, too. Have you considered working on increasing the emotional intimacy, flirtation, and energy in your relationship with DW? That might help you feel a lot better.

Yep and if you aren't meeting her emotional needs you could just be pushing her away. Not saying this is the case, but there are always two sides to every story. Not making excuses for the wife to by the way just saying there may be more to this story.

Ninety texts a day? Your wife went way beyond friendship. I would tell her NO more texts to Eric or friendship with Eric due to the fact that her behavior has been completely inappropriate. This is not the time to change the terms of your agreement with her about being free to read each other's texts and emails. That is for people who are trustworthy. Your wife has proven herself to be untrustworthy. She needs to win back your trust.

I would also have a chat with Eric. And by chat I would tell him to quit ANY interaction with your wife unless he really, really wants a lawsuit for alienation of affection and an angry husband on his doorstep. This is not the time to be nice or accommodating. Make yourself very, very clear. Feel free to be angry and yell. Defend your wife and your family. This is a battle you are fighting. Act like it. You have let another man intrude on your marriage. He knows better. Remind him that he does.

I am sorry that you are going through this as it is never an enjoyable experience to have a relationship end but your relationship is not worth saving in it's current state. Ask yourself why you would ever want to stay with someone who is willing to cheat emotionally...don't you deserve to be with someone who might know how to love a partner? Yes.

If she can't apologize (and clearly see her actions) then you should look at getting a lawyer and getting your things in order. Eric will help her pay for hers if she looks like a promising partner to him...he may be just playing her too and have other plans in mind.

Hire an attorney. Get ready to file divorce papers to protect yourself. Don't tell her anything about your efforts. She may "wake up" and drop all this covert dating stuff but you now know where you really stand in her mind. I suppose this can be overcome but it's important that you keep a realistic perspective on this matter. This situation is not uncommon and is a real step towards dumping you because you aren't "worthy". Be warned.

I agree with those saying it's an emotional affair and you have every right to be concerned. I'm female with more than a few male friends. I've always gotten along with men better than women, it's just my nature. Even so I would never send texts like that to any of them. They're my friends, not lover or even potential lover. I love my husband too much. Someone mentioned that this sounds like testing the waters and that's exactly what I read into it. So many red flags. Her not wanting you to read her texts anymore is the biggest. She lied to your face and only fessed up when she realized she was found out. The whole thing is big trouble. Counseling stat. She's playing with fire and a fool if she thinks she's not going to get burned. Hang in there. I hope everything works out.

Well exldsdudeinslc ... sinced you came right out and said it I guess I will too. I was holding off because this post was so scary, but I just have to weigh in.

I was in a relationship with a girl years ago that unfolded exactly as yours is. She said the exact same things to me ...

It's not like that...
You are reading too much into this...
Of course I am commited to you...
He's just a friend...
Please don't read my emails anymore...
Blah, blah, blah

... then one day a concerned friend sat me down and informed me she had been screwing this guy for the last 6 months.


I'm not saying your wife has gotten physical with him yet, but she certainly is handing you a line of manipulative crap.

2 points...

1. She felt guilty when that text came while you sat on the couch... BINGO

2. She threw out a sexual inuendo and when buddy said "that seemed intentional" she basically replied "oops, you caught me"... BINGO

She's practically throwing herself at this guy.

Dude I feel so sad for you I could cry ... you have five kids together for GD sakes.

What should he do?

I think that he is seizing the moment for some flirting, but will start to play the field when he and his wife split.


Still really hard on you, though.

You need to talk with an attorney before anything else. And DON'T tell her you're doing it. Protect yourself.

You've had some good advice already.
I just wanted to ask...since when does the church put on plays where non-married couples actually kiss? Even if it's just acting, that would be *totally* against what the church claims is their standards, having people married to other people kiss.

That does seem really odd.

I've heard of this before in our stake and the result was that the people on stage had an affair. That put an end to the on stage kissing in our stake.

Your wife is one step away from sleeping with this jackass. Play their card. Take your concerns to her bishop. Make him ask her to see the texts & see what he thinks.
If you're bold & really motivated, go see Eric. In a public place. Tell him to STAY AWAY from your wife.
As someone who lives with a wife that has had an affair, if I knew about the other guy before they got too close, I would've done everything for them to get the message that their relationship was over the top & inappropriate. I would also consult with an attorney. Don't sit on this. Do something!!!

I almost recommended this. It's hard to see how that would play out since the bishop is just some other guy... but maybe it would hold some weight in her TBM mindset. He certainly would work with her to make sure that it didn't happen again... and perhaps would contact Eric's bishop.

It's an affair. I don't believe in threats. If she doesn't cut this off 100%, think about going to her bishop.

I suspect Eric is more of a playa than he is letting on, he knows what he's doing." The old "we are getting a divorce " line has been used by many a philanderer, I have 20 bucks that says he isn't getting a divorce in the new year

I feel sick and I couldn't even read through all of the post. I really, really, feel for you. Here's the deal - your wife has started an emotional affair with Eric. I agree with your assessment that it probably hasn't gotten physical offstage. She has broken her trust with you and for her to ask for no more texts/emails is not appropriate at this point. You need to suggest counseling and get into it ASAP. She needs to first acknowledge the trust that she has broken with you which has not happened yet. Then she needs to accept you as an exmo.

I really wish you the very best. I've seen this kind of thing before and it hits you in the gut. Take care.