For any of you who have grown up as a child of an emotionally or physically abusive parent felt relief at that parent's death? Did your life get better knowing that never again, could you be harmed by them?

We grow up conditioned by messages from our culture that families should be happy, that we should be loved by our parents, that we should be nurtured and supported by them, and that if we're "good," our lives will turn out well. This all gets turned on its head when we're thrust into a very ugly reality, having an abusive parent with a personality disorder.

A child is expected to take care of his elderly or dying parent(s). But what should a child do when he or she has suffered a lifetime of abuse, confronted with having to care for a dying parent, and repaid by that parent with ongoing hostility, contempt, and hatred? What happens when the child's most avid wish is for the parent to die as soon as possible, to be freed of the nightmare?

And even after the parent dies--though, in all likelihood, they'll hang on for a decade or more--do you ever really recover? There's no ultimate justice. You can't get back the decades of trauma that you've experienced. You can't replace those years with happy memories. You can't pretend that you were loved when you were, in fact, despised. In the event that you say the word "father" or "mother," you find yourself mentally adding quotation marks, because they were no parent to you, but a poisonous monster that did you irreparable harm.

On top of it all, for those who believe that there is no afterlife, there can absolutely be no justice for you. There will never be an apology. You'll never be compensated in any way for your suffering. The tragedy of it is that you did nothing wrong, and yet were victimized by your own parent to the point of not only not feeling any love for them, but a revulsion and hatred so powerful that after they die, you don't ever mention them or think of them, because if you did, you would celebrate their death as a liberation from an intolerable relationship.

While it's true that you could simply have moved away, not spoken with the parent, and had nothing to do with them, eventually, they would have died. I suspect that most individuals couldn't handle the guilt that society has conditioned them to feel in taking such an action. "Honor thy father and thy mother," and all of that.

If a child were perceived to have abandoned his abusive parent, a few things would happen. First, no one would believe that the parent was as bad as the child insists that they were. (They would blame the victim and side with the now dead perpetrator.) Second, they would condemn the child and rumor-monger about them. Third, there would be some type of mess to clean up after the parent died, which would create all sorts of stress on the son or daughter. Your suffering would continue.

Perhaps my post is misplaced. Hopefully all of you have only had loving parents that empowered you to flourish and celebrated your successes. If not, know that you're not alone, and that there are others who can relate to what you've been through.

Please share your experiences and thoughts.

GP

Would you be happy if a cancerous tumor was removed from you body and you were pronounced clean by doctors?

Hardly different in many ways.

My condolences. Not on their death, but on the damage done by them.

Thank you for your courage and honesty. There will never be an apology from your abuser, but justice for you exists, at least in part, in your ability to write this post. And you can receive empathy and support from others who understand, who have walked the walk. You survived. You have nothing to feel guilty about. In the words from the book/film "Ordinary People" you hung on (to yourself) and you can surely live with that.

I haven't seen my mother in 18 years. I don't know how I'll react when she dies. She has had 2 "death bed" situations that she came back from, and I didn't go to either of them. I kind of want it to be over, but I don't know how I'll feel.

I do check the sex offender registry every 6 months or so to see if my ex step dad is still alive, though. I don't fear him or think he's a threat to me at all or anything, but I think the world will seem like just a little bit better of a place once he is gone.

Your post is in no way out of place. This very issue causes me daily distress. I want to respond in more detail once I complete a journal entry.

I understand. Not in the case of a parent, but an older sibling. I'd be relieved if this toxic person vanished from my life forever, either through death or other means.

She had 50% of the traits. I refused to take the extreme emotional abuse any longer, as I was having heart problems from the stress.

This man has experienced what we've gone through, and understands.
His mother was a full blown covert. I can't even imagine the hell he had to go through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPpa-sNHnoY

Miraculously, my 'Golden Child' brother wants to remain in my life, even though he does not understand it at all. She'll never show her toxic side to him. Unlike the man in the video, my brother did not become a narc.

No-one can understand the pure poison that a parent can inflict on a child. It doesn't have to be abuse in a physical sense.

Belittling,isolating the child from social and other interactions,inequitable favouring of one child or even non-family over the child,not allowing the child to emotionally mature, not acknowledging the child's opinions or achievements,gas-lighting,intervening in relationships,withdrawal of affection.

These are all tools that an outsider doesn't see. They can be just as harmful as physical abuse or neglect.

Those of us who choose, for our own mental health, to detach from this abuse ,which often continues into adulthood, learn that we must carry the burden of our own guilt and the opprobrium of others.We are indeed blamed for our hard heartedness.Often those we have sought to protect criticise us as well. My DH will often throw it into a argument.

It is often given as advice here"cut the toxic person out of your life" and I agree that it is often the best course, but to my knowledge no-one has ever addressed this point.We all grieve and feel tremendous guilt.Just goes to show how the conditioning still works.

First, welcome Gay Philosopher!

I'm sorry to hear about your anguish and loss. I'll share my own experiences and perhaps you'll see something that helps.

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. I'm an only child. The abuser was my mother. When fueled by alcohol, she was violent and emotionally abusive--I never knew what would set her off. My Dad did not know how to handle the situation so he was pretty much an absentee-parent.

I credit the abusive environment to my conversion to Mormonism. After all, an organization that eschewed alcohol couldn't be bad, right?

During my Late teens, I finally figured out that that my Mom was an alcoholic. Kids don't understand what's unusual or bizarre about their home lives; they simple see their environments as normal. So saying I had an Alcoholic parent was very strange and difficult to do. And there's the shame element--Most kids think they've caused the problem. In my case, if only I had been good enough...something that would haunt me during my time in Mormonism.

I received counseling in my 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s to understand the disease and the roles my parents and I played in psychologically-defined collusion. (I was the pissed off good kid).

Gradually, I regained a relationship with my father in my 40s. When he died suddenly, I was overcome with sorrow and I had to figure out how to deal with my mother.

We had a major blowup one time when my family and I visited. She essentially got drunk, violent, and told my wife and children she hated them. So, back to therapy. I did not talk to my mother for six months and had no intention to do so.

The therapist told me about differing styles of parental control--from the smothering style of my wife's TBM parents, to my mother's violent abusive style. It was up to me whether or not to re establish a relationship. I chose to contact her on my terms and that worked okay.

Counseling also helped mope understand the baggage that an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) faces in relationships. I have managed to break the negative cycle with my TBM children, but I have posted here about the difficulties with my 30 plus year marriage to my emotionally-distant TBM wife.

After I re established a relationship with my Mom, her health progressed downward--I personally witnessed two episodes of the DTs including when she had to be restrained...and the fun was just beginning.

Eventually, I think she tried to drink herself to death, but failed. It took over a year with dementia, amputations, and bed sores before she died. But, there was sobriety, something I thought I would never see.

Eventually, her body gave out and I held her hand as she died. The grief was overwhelming. It has taken many years to be able to cope with my parents' deaths.

I've been told that in addition to the grief over a life, one will also grieve over what the family could have been--at least that's been my experience. For me, others will disagree, I began my healing process when I forgave my mother for what she did. Alcohol, for her, was a demon that controlled her.

If you are feeling relief, that is perfectly normal, but if the loss was recent, you may experience a roller-coaster of emotions.

I hope that this helps. Everyone is welcome here, but sometimes we get a wee bit rowdy on this board (I'm one of the worst).

Without knowing anything about you, I can say this--Gay Philosopher, your life is a blessing for your friends and healthy family, and You are a gift for your community. I hope you find peace, healing, happiness, and wholeness. The Boner.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2014 11:27PM by byuboner.

My wife could a write a book about her unloving, hateful mother but it would be too painful to dig all that shit up. I am so thankful that my parents treated my wife like a beloved daughter.

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2014 12:22PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

You're not alone.

I don't know exactly how I will feel when my father dies. He was the worst enemy I ever had. This is a man who generally uses and hurts people. He keeps a couple of incompetent daughters in housing, which provides him with a couple of sycophants, at least. I haven't spoken to him in many years. Well, I guess I'll find out. And, knowing me, I won't shut up about it.

I am so sorry to hear about the pain that you have gone through but I am glad that you feel that you can now have some form of closer. I was a victim of verbal, emotional and physical abuse as a baby at the hands of my biological mother and I am thankful that my grandparents took action and got custody of me and then later on adopted me because of what my mom did to me.

Even though the abuse happen while I was a baby, it still has had a significant effect on me. I struggle with confrontations and when there is someone near me that is arguing or fighting it makes me very uncomfortable to the point that I end up getting an anxiety attack and I get anxious when I watch shows or movies that have a lot of violence in them. When I was little, I would get these terrible night terrors that were triggered by the sound of my biological mom's voice.

Right now, I don't have much of a relationship with my biological mother nor do I really want one. My adoptive mother has tried to get me to have a relationship with her but she has finally given up within the last 5-6 years.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2014 12:13AM by kativicky.

All of your feelings are valid. The main feeling I've had when my parents and my mother-in-law was relief.

I had worked through many issues with a counselor years before their deaths so I didn't have too much unresolved.

What I've noticed over the years is that the rare happy memories of my parents stay with me while the awful stuff fades away.

Having a "mostly dead" parent is a huge weight around your neck, and even if you are very close, there will be some relief when they pass.

I'm going through something similar, and I understand the mixed emotions.

My covert narcissistic mother's health is failing fast. First, there is the guilt of not having been there much for her in the last few years. But whenever I gave a little, she made more and more requests. Unnecessary requests. She COULD get a ride to the Doctors' office for the 5th times this month, but she'd rather have me take her. She actually explained to me how much money ($20) and time (30 minutes) it saved her. She didn't ever offer to pay my gas, or give a second thought about asking me to give up 3-4 hours of my day to save her those 30 minutes. And she had a LOT of appointments. Mostly unnecessary ones. Until I stopped taking her.

Both me and a local sibling had to pull back because it felt like she would take over our lives. My sibling practically had anxiety attacks every time my mom called. Mom ONLY calls when she wants something. There is no real emotional connection, no concern for us or our kids. While she dumps all of her pain and suffering all over anyone who will listen, she is incapable of offering support or empathy or advice for any problems WE might experience.

One of my other siblings had my parents live with them for over a year. After which they abruptly moved them into assisted living and moved out of state. I get it. I really do. I recently found out that my BIL had to go to counseling to deal with living with my mother.

Although I wouldn't call her abusive, my mother definitely plays mind games. And she triangulates people to get what she wants using social pressure and guilt. I've had a few of the guilty thoughts you have. In the last week, I've experienced shock, grief, sadness, guilt and anger. I DO think it will be a relief when she goes.

Her life is misery for her, and for many who are trying to care for her. Her life is defined by pain, suffering, complaining about everything possible, rudeness to those she considers to be below her (staff and kitchen people), and the supposed neglect by others, her own helplessness, and being overwhelmed by any and every thing she has to do for herself. I understand that old age is hard, and that it's miserable. But normal, kind people don't milk that for all it's worth.

Do you know what an emotional vampire is? I do. Most people, even in the family, have NO IDEA what she's really like. They think she's a darling, a saint. And she is when she wants to be. And, like you, I know that if I told them, they would think I was a horrible person.

She has sowed the seeds of discord between siblings and extended family by playing the neglected mother. I don't actually know if she is TRYING to cause tension. I think she's just trying to generate sympathy and attention. And to get what she wants. But I'm sure most of the family thinks I'm not a very good daughter. And there's nothing I'll ever be able to do about it.

Just this week, she complained to my brother, who lives hundreds of miles away that she couldn't get to the store, or get an item she needed, and that they weren't feeding her well in her facility, etc, ad nauseum. He got all concerned, emailed the family, implied that we local family needed to be doing more for her. Thanks, Mr. Armchair quarterback.

Either she losing it, or she intentionally stirred him up. I had asked her just the DAY BEFORE if she needed something from the store and she couldn't think of anything. I felt like I'd been thrown under the bus. But that's her way: don't ask for what you need from the people who can get it for you. Instead, play the victim and COMPLAIN that nobody will get it for you. Do this to someone who can judge and pressure someone else into it. It also has the nice side effect of pissing off people at each other.

Here's what my sister told me about my mother, and I'm telling it to you: Whatever you do at this point, her suffering is going to end soon. But YOU will live on. Do what will make YOU feel better in the long run.

Now in my case, I know my mother's physical needs are being met. I don't know what your situation is. But if you can get someone else to take over the day to day care, then do it.

Don't do anything that will create more suffering for YOU. That includes stirring the pot with relatives, who just won't get it, and that includes allowing your mother to mistreat you. She's put you through enough already. I guarantee, you don't OWE her anything. If you stand up to her now, it might start to heal you. If she's treating you badly, tell her to stop and/or walk away.

Do you have her in Hospice care yet? They can help out with her care, and offer counseling to her and to family (you). If she has medicare, this is covered. I know someone who died in a hospice facility that provided 24/7 care, but most people stay at home.

I feel for you. I have seen some of those things, but your experience is intense. Thanks for the vivid description, by the way. I'm so glad my aging mother lives two states away and doesn't like me.

but I consider what I have gone through to be mild compared to what you've described.

At least my physical needs were met. I was never beaten, yelled at, or went without food or clothes like you did.

The down side of covert narcissism is that I still occasionally ask if I'm imagining it all.

She's gotten much worse with age, as they often do.

I totally understand what you are going through. Check out this video on how a covert narcissist operates. I watch one of his videos almost everyday, to validate my feelings.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi_-gxVsQ0s

My abusive parents are still alive, but I have little to no contact with them, and I expect to feel relief when they finally die, based on what I've heard from other child abuse survivors.

I'm lucky in that I didn't bond very strongly with my parents. Most abused children do bond normally, which creates a great deal of emotional conflict that I've been spared. I don't have to navigate both love and resentment because I never loved them.

As for justice: I don't believe justice is even possible once a wrong has been committed. Justice is the wrong never occurring in the first place. I don't expect future justice because I don't think it's possible.

Adult abused child Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My abusive parents are still alive, but I have
> little to no contact with them, and I expect to
> feel relief when they finally die, based on what
> I've heard from other child abuse survivors.
>
> I'm lucky in that I didn't bond very strongly with
> my parents. Most abused children do bond
> normally, which creates a great deal of emotional
> conflict that I've been spared. I don't have to
> navigate both love and resentment because I never
> loved them.

I could have written the same thing except about the love. Neglect is a hard one because you hope as a child that someday they will see your worth and want to love you like you've seen other people (my wife) loved by her parents.

It is that hope that is crushing. I'll be glad when that hope dies with them.

I lost my abusive father when I was 16. It was such a relief to see him go, dying suddenly of a massive stroke. It was like God sent me a message, like, "See? I got your back. The old man is dead. I struck him down while he wasn't looking." I was already in a foster home so it didn't change my actual status, but I was able to move on. The state took care of everything so I didn't have to help find money for burial or anything. In fact, I'm not sure just how it was handled.

Funny thing is that, when he wasn't under the influence of alcohol--which he almost always was--he didn't seem to have any abusive qualities.

I know exactly what you're dealing with. It's sad that there are so many who have also been through this situation.

Myself, I got a bit lucky. I was transferred 2000 miles away from my parents. At the time, I didn't want to leave where I lived, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

After a couple of years away from the insanity, the lightbulb came on. I not only didn't miss them, I was fine if I never saw them again. I realized that the few times I did see them it would take me at least 6 months to recover from being around them. I cut off contact. That was over 20 years ago.

They've called a couple of times to rain some garbage into my life. I will never pick up the phone again when they call. If I accidentally pick up, I will immediately hang up.

They have other children besides me. Most of them have also cut communication with them. The youngest thought it would be a good idea to move his family into their house. I'm pretty sure they signed their house over to him. He can have it. Anyone who puts up with them deserves a reward. He's very much like them, I can't imagine it's a fun place to be.

I decided years ago that I wouldn't be attending their funerals. Wild horses couldn't drag me to that TBM BS fest. I would never do that to myself. I held a funeral for them 12 years ago. I wrote down who and what they've been to me. I then burned it to ashes. I put the ashes in a little paper boat and put it in the ocean to set sail. It was a very cathartic good bye and good riddance.

I know what you mean about relief - but in my case, I had an abusive parent who could be both abusive and incredibly kind and loving as well.

He wasn't intentionally abusive. Suffered from depression and PTSD, and took it out on those around him - mostly unawares.

I loved this parent deeply, but stood up for my Mom when he attacked her (verbally and emotionally)incessantly and as a result, he died angry at me. It hurt me deeply to have him angry with me prior to his passing- and perhaps I shouldn't have tried to be an intermediary for my Mom but I felt I had to as she seemed unable to defend herself.

As much as I was seeking relief from his angry outbursts, when he died, I felt a deep sadness because in his case, I knew his gentle side as well and longed for more of it.

When I read these accounts of abusive parents I am, again, so thankful I did not have that kind of upbringing. I had other difficulties, some of it was because I had what amounted to ..two mothers, mother and her mother raised me along with her father.
Too many women, to many disagreements.
Fortunately, I married and moved out of state.
I was relieved at their passing because of the difficulty of their last years, and days. They were through with a body and mind that didn't function well anymore.

At this point, I have made it a point not recalled the difficulties of the past and let them go. I don't live there anymore. That too is a great relief.

I hope to continue to cultivate a good relationship with my children. I may need them some day.

My dad was mentally ill. When he died I sat in the bathtub and rocked and cried for days. It was the truncation of our relationship I cried for. I guess I always hoped that it would get better.

Since he died I researched his life by talking to his siblings and other relatives and going over his military record (which he never talked about.) He was in the invasion of Iwo Jima.

I've forgiven him and grown to love him even more than I did before. T

That could only have happened in his absence.

In my house my mom was the abuser, my dad the' absent, got to go to mormon meetings etc.' one. He died in October. I wasn't very close to him b/c i didn't want to get between their crazy marriage. Now that my mother is alone, my sister goes to see her regularly and my bil wanted me to call her regularly so my sister wouldn't worry while they were on vacation. It's only been since i left the church that my mother has been somewhat nice to me. When i used to call her for mothers day, i'd just let her talk. If she didn' t want to, i'd just be finished with the call.

I don't see that i need to worry about her feelings now. except i feel guilty. It's not my fault she was in church for millions of years and has no close friends. I think she'd find it weird if i just suddenly started calling her every week. And i don't want to . What she doesn't know about my family life she can't make snide comments about either. I also kept my kids away from her.

I was the invisible child growing up. I had to learn to deal with people when i left the house. I still have a hard time with that. Other things like talking on the phone i learned with a counsellor who told me i could do it- and i finally realized i did't have to be perfect about it. ( in our family we girls weren't allowed to just chat on the phone in case an important call came thru. Also if i called and told my mom i was going to be later coming home she didn't care at all. I felt so embarrased that i bothered her). That's just one small was my parents made my adult life difficult.

Now that she's old and noone at church seems to care much, she's MY responsibility???? I don't care much that she's bored and lonely. She decided she didn't like me an treated me like shit. Now she can reap what she sowed. I'm still polite to her and chat with her once in a while.

I was hoping she'd die first, so maybe i could have a relationship with my dad, but can't do that now. OTOH, he picked her and stayed with her.

Sorry for the rant.

We most often blame mother and father for their imperfections, quirks and sometimes outright harm passed to their children. But if you start tracking back, you find out that they got much of it from their parents, who got it from their parents, and so forth.

So if you want to rebuke someone, chances are Granny might be the place to start. But be careful; our own children and grandchildren will one day do a performance review of our parenting, and we'll want them to be kind.

A quirk is one thing. Humiliating and embarassing and hitting and scaring your kids is another. Sorry, i don't buy the 'their childhood was crap thing', either. Mostly because as an adult they could read about child rearing, change views etc. I know that 'letting kids scream themselves to sleep' was once a child rearing method but making sure your kid felt like shit every second day is not.

And i am damn sure my kids are going to look at my child rearing techniques. And i am also willing to apologize for my mistakes. And i do. And i already have enuf guilt for haveing a very serious case of ocd after my last child was born; i have apologized for that many times, as well as my daughter will know that i sought help for it and struggled to get better (which i am). My mother had favourites and god help you if you werent one of those! I was the quiet one, and didn't mouth back at her, so i didn't get the beatings, i just got the yelling, or humiliation. Which i dealt with alone.

Oh, and btw, Ol man, when my sister said to my mother that she understood that her dad/ parents probably did the same to her, my mother said that her dad was very kind. So either she's hiding something or she decided that not improving her own parenting skills or lack thereoff wasn't very important.

And as mormons, instead of deciding that all my mom wanted to handle was 3 children, nope they added 3 more, just for god. And i got to take care of them until i fled for university. Feeling guilty that i was leaving but also telling myself that if god expected me to handle it, they could also handle it.

The one thing I could say is that my parents were fine, but my grandma was especially cold to everyone except her favorites. As that family was a strict Catholic family, like Mormonism, boys were often valued more, so I often felt like the black sheep because I was a girl. My grandparents had only boys, but the wives of those who did marry were treated as outsiders. One uncle who didn't marry was gay, and while my grandparents still accepted him instead of shunning him, he drank himself to death.

The youngest uncle is the toxic relative that I've finally been able to cut out of my life once my grandma died. When he dies, I'll definitely feel relief, and that's because he was verbally abusive to everyone, and my grandma had a form of Stockholm syndrome because he was at least verbally and economically abusive to her before she died. The only really good thing I can say about that uncle is that he was no pedophile.

I have issues with my parents, but they pale in comparison to my cousins and my aunt. She just passed away last week and they are having a hard time grappling with her legacy.

She was always nice to me as a kid, and loved to play games with us. My parents never liked doing that, so I loved her as an aunt. However, when I got older and starting seeing her tantrums and ridiculous demands, I knew something wasn't right with her. My cousin told me that she was diagnosed as borderline personality. My grandma was the sweetest person I've ever met, and my aunt made her mother cry on several occasions in front of me.

My cousin tried to cut her out of her life, but I've learned with my own parents that you have no peace if you don't make peace with your parents. No matter how difficult they may be, we have a bond with them that was formed long before our logic circuits and self-defense mechanisms kicked in.

Try to work through your feelings and make peace with your parents, living or dead. Even if they don't want to settle your differences, at least you can make peace with them in your head and heart so you can live your life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2014 03:14PM by axeldc.

Soon after my now wife met my parents and my other brothers, where things were "normal" with bickering back and forth, nasty teasing and other such behavior, I apologized to her and she stopped me in my tracks and said "yes, but there is so much love there".

She saw that through all the commotion. We've married for over 44 years.

Gay Philosopher --- I hope you find peace and make the future a better place for you and those around you. May you find a moment of love that existed in your family and that you can cherish and build your life on it.

My gestapo style MORmON male parent was the resident MORmON enforcement agent in my upbringing and life. It took a long time, as in WAY TOO LONG for me to realize that I could live with out having the EVIL VILE PREDATORY MORmON curse opportunistically seeping into every aspect and every moment of the life that I was trying to live in spite of their toxic parasitic MORmON meddling. When I finally declared my mental independence from the MORmON curse, my MORmON male parent stepped up the MORmON style control efforts as a countermeasure. WHen it finally became apparent that I really had mentally escaped the curse of MORmONISM, then he wanted to give me the laban treatment. His death imposed absence from my life was a huge blessing for me, but he passed away far too comfortably, his demise should have been far more painful, far more agonizing, and far more miserable to better match all the contrived pain, agony and misery that he created and interjected into my life for the sake of promoting his foul disgusting corrupt MORmON cult. I hope that he is in MORmON Hell and that Joe SMith and Brigham Young defile and humiliate him there on a daily basis.