I'm a 30 year old ex, having left over 3 years ago. Lately I've been depressed for a few reasons. No matter what the reason, the answer always seems to lead back to TSCC.

I wish my life had been different. I wish I didn't suffer through mental barriers, self esteem, self image issues, low confidence, anxiety, OCD, and depression. I come from a very dysfunctional family. I've been hospitalized twice for mental reasons, and my life has been a roller coaster ride of numerous ups and downs. But lately it seems worse than normal.

I can't stand ignorance, blindness, hate, and stupidity. Leaving the church made me a completely different person. And it saddens me that so many Mormons are so dumb, who can't decide for themselves the real truth, defending all the lies and deceit. I wish the essays had come out earlier so more people could've learned the truth a lot sooner.

I still have depression issues, and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I think about death a lot. This world has nothing to offer me. Nothing good anyway. I just want to rest.

Thanks for having a listening ear.

Sounds like you are walking on the same path as I, only I'm a few steps ahead of you.

My best advice is to keep your eyes open for a new, different something that gives you even just a little nudge toward a positive feeling. Hang on to it and start watching for anything else that feels even just a tiny bit positive.

Eventually, you're gonna find that these things will become more common and the dark, negative things are gonna get crowded out or pushed aside by positive, good feelings.

It's a slow process, be patient. It worked for me.

I hear you and I am with you, mrcoffee...and I wish I could help in some real way.

I know how deep the depression can hurt, and I also know that through it, is the only way to get beyond it.

I'm by both of your sides...and in front of you urging you forward...and behind you protecting your back.

As you come out of this tunnel, you can help make the entire world a better place for you having lived this life of yours here---not only for those who are here now, but for those who are yet to come.

Hang on for yourself...and for all of us.

We need you...and we need you much, much more than you probably know.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I've had chronic depression and anxiety all my life. Antidepressants and therapy have helped a lot, but it's still there under the surface. Are you in therapy? Any anti anxiety meds?
I think TSCC works really hard to define ones identity so that they become dependent on it. Once I left, I finally began to really discover who I am and want to be. Some days are still really hard and I dream about it most nights. I think everyone's journey is a little different, but hopefully you know that you have support here. A lot of us have been there and are finding our way through.
Good luck.

I'm wondering if there is something in your life you can go after to follow your bliss. The trick is finding your bliss.

Are you a collector of anything?
Are you an athlete?

Is there something you can lose yourself in? A new career? Classes? Art? Building something?

I hope you can shake this. I have gone though stages when I am so disappointed in humanity. It's OK. I'm only responsible for my own purpose, not one for everyone else. Your family is not your fault.

Follow your own drummer. Take the road less traveled and all that.

I hope you can find the medical help to get you feeling better. Thanks for sharing with us. A listening ear sometimes helps.

Sorry. Duplicate post.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2014 10:36PM by dagny.

My TBM family was dysfunctional, too. I was tortured and bullied by my older brother, until I left home the day after high school graduation. My parents were punitive and cold. I have PTSD, and saw a psychiatrist. I don't think I would have recovered without therapy. I hope you are under a doctor's care right now.

I often wonder who I would have been, had I been loved and nurtured. Hard work and success has produced a small amount of confidence and self-esteem, but I will probably never feel really good about myself. Never. Even so, I am now a very happy person. Leaving the cult was one of the most positive life choices I ever made. My children left with me.

Breaking the cycle of abuse was another positive step. I made sure my children were loved, listened to, protected from my abusers, and allowed to be free and think for themselves. You should treat yourself like your own child. This can be fun! Comfort yourself, appreciate that you have survived, realize that you are now taking good care of yourself.

Maybe you could start by doing what you say you want to do--rest. Just rest. Get the sleep you need. Give yourself a vacation at home, for a few days. Solitude is nice, but maybe you need contact with others right now. Call some old (non-Mormon) friends, write e-mails, post on here.

Exercise.

Your name is "Mr. Coffee." Perhaps you drink too much caffeine. I used to drink a lot of Coke, but quit for many years, now when I drink caffeine, it triggers a full-blown anxiety attack. It also interferes with sleep. It's hard to give up caffeine, but if you cut it in half for 4 days, than cut it in half again for 4 more days, and keep going until it's gone, you won't have very bad withdrawals. My doctor told me to do this, and it worked.

Part of nurturing yourself, is taking charge of your own life. Cut off all contact (at least for now) from the most abusive family members. Decide how YOU are going to deal with them, and set boundaries.

This world has a lot to offer you! You have a lot to offer the world, and to us here at RFM. You really are not alone.

I don't know if this is helpful but I will put it out there anyway.

A long time ago my life took a bad turn and I felt that I would never be happy again. I never thought of harming myself (didn't want to harm parents or children) but believed happiness was passed me by.

Then I gradually started to realize how my unhappiness would affect my children and decided to "fake it til you make it". I started to block all those negative thoughts and at least pretend to be happy. Gradually I looked up one day and realized that I actually was happier.

I simply refused to let myself think about negative stuff and distanced myself from a couple of friends who reinforced my negativity. I continue to be content with my life and I see my well adjusted grown kids who are also happy in their lives.

I know that this doesn't work with a major depressive episode but it did help me pull out of a tail spin that at one point I could see no end to.

It was a long time ago but as I remembered it, I thought that while the happy period in my life was over, I would not allow this to wreck my children's lives. Staying busy helped too.
Gradually the faking it passed and happiness returned, albeit at a very slow pace. I think I gradually actually changed my personality.

I don't know if this helps or not but it is what I experienced.

mrcoffee, you sound like decent sensitive person. It's okay to be that way, even though some people will tell you differently. When they tell you that you are too sensitive, they are telling you to deny what you are.

Mental illness is a disability. People who try to "snap you out of it" are like John Goodman pulling the guy out of his wheelchair in "The Big Lebowski."

There is help in the medical community.

Thanks everyone, for your advice and kind words. I'm still hurting, but you have made me feel better already.

But a few things: when I said "I just want to rest" I meant I no longer want to live. To rest eternally, if that is such a thing.

And also, my name is mrcoffee because I enjoy coffee very much. It's not about the caffeine, but about feeling good and enjoying something great.

And yes, I am a very sensitive person. I deeply care about others welfare before my own.

Maybe that's my downfall.....

Mrcoffee84,

Think about and concentrate on the happy things in your life, not the sad. Think about this, you are lucky to have gotten out so young. some of us are in our fifties and older before we saw the light and walked away from TSCC.

I am not saying this to be cruel, cruelty is MORmONISM's specialty, but IF "THE" answer always seems like going back to "THE" Church/ MORmONISM, then MORmONISM just has not kicked your ass enough already, but I promise on their behalf that IF you do go back they will go right to work making sure that your ass gets kicked some more, when and IF its enough is up to you.

I ASSure you, that by the time I left, I had such a gut full of those MORmON A-holes that I NEVER had any longing to go back.