32 years ago I was molested by an assistant scout master.

27 years ago my father admitted to molesting his 14 and 16 year old adopted daughters.

11 years ago I had a mental breakdown contemplating a life of believing in an organization founded by a sexual predator.

I really enjoyed reading this.

"I believe his predation has been stopped, but I am pleased to believe that he has suffered. He has not gone to jail, but he has not come out of this mess he made without pain. This is not the legacy he had in mind for himself.

I can only say this to Bill Cosby: You have very few chances left to do anything heroic, old man. You should try."
http://www.etonline.com/news/154120_tamara_green_op_ed/

To my perpetrator, I can't contact you and I don't know if you are still alive but I hope that if you are I hope that you aren't able or willing to molest boys anymore. I loved you and thought you loved me. When I realized what you loved that hurt just as much as the feeling of being a toy for you to play with.

To my father, I don't want to contact you because even when you do listen you respond with anger, denial, and excuses. You will never apologize to your children for the hell you put us through when as a branch president over missionaries in the MTC you were also molesting your adopted daughters. You have never considered our feelings and you probably never will. You appeared to me to just be giving our mother the children she wanted and when her crazy desires for accolades for number of children included kids you could take advantage of sexually - you did.

That hurts like Hell.

But I hope you haven't hurt more girls and won't anymore.

"You have very few chances left to do anything heroic, old man. You should try." Try father to be more of a father to your children than you were. I'm not asking for myself because it would be in a Mormon way and I want nothing of that way.

To my former "church", I can't contact you because that would be about as stupid a thing as I can think to do. You are legion and bent on protecting an organization founded by a sexual predator. Your history has led to the misery my grandfather Rulon jeffs perpetrated and I blame your sordid history and a culture that supports it some for my father's mindset.

You are a church built on abuse which is strengthened using guilt. You are often part of the chorus of victim blamers and in the recent past have said that victims need to "get over it." You are not the church you claim to be and the past is coming to haunt you just like it is doing for Bill Cosby.

I am so glad for it.

So why can't I get over it when these things happened so long ago? Because they became intimate parts of me. When you experience things of such emotional betrayal and mental anguish you never forget. And why should you? Why should I forget it? Getting over it is same as forgetting a part of yourself. The church asks potential converts to trust their feelings in making a decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives. You LDS Inc. WANT it to affect them for the rest of their natural lives.

But if they find out the grim details of the founding prophet and ditch the whole mess of a belief system, they should just "get over it"???? Come on, are people really that stupid?

This isn't a magazine subscription. This is a way of life and one in which sexual predators gravitate to for easy access to victims - victims who are taught to blame themselves for being victims and finding out what it is they did to cause the sexual predator to abuse them.

I say to LDS Inc. - You have very many many chances left to do anything heroic. You should try. You should stop protecting your founder. But I see that you can't. Like Hinckley said LDS Inc. lives or dies with Joseph Smith.

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/28/my-faith-what-people-talk-about-before-they-die/

Your post reminded me of this article.

Thank you for that link. I'm blinking away tears.

Thank you, that was profound.


Kathleen

Elder Berry, you are a courageous man to describe what was done to you and your family.

I hope you don't think reporting him would have made a difference. As you have read from many of us, the church protects the abusers and, in the past, did not report them.

Many bishops and stake presidents have preyed on their congregation sexually as well as financially with no consequences even when reported.

You were a victim of an evil empire which is collapsing before us. I'm glad you are alive to see them falling.

Best

Kathleen

anagrammy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hope you don't think reporting him would have
> made a difference. As you have read from many of
> us, the church protects the abusers and, in the
> past, did not report them.

I've been meaning to reply to this for awhile. You struck my heart.

I've been asked why I didn't report my abuser. I didn't because I thought my parents would brush it off like all the other times I came to them with concerns. It also happened at a time when I was fooling around with friends sexually and I thought I had done something inadvertently to excite my abuser.

Deep down I knew two things - my parents wouldn't care and my abuser groomed me and other scouts and setup conditions for abuse.

I know that the community never really thought less of my father even though he molested his own adopted daughters. He was supposed to protect them and he failed.

My mother after adopting them treated this kids like crap. The elder sister (they were sisters) went to a High School counselor because she thought my mother would get in trouble. They were raised in their country of origin by a grandmother who ran a prostitution establishment. I think they thought that their sexual abuse was caused by my mother and not my father.

She was supposed to protect them and she failed. My mother was furious with my father when the department of social services came and the police came. Later on I realized the source of her fury - embarrassment. She gave my father more Hell than she ever had in the 10 years it took him to get rebaptized but once he was back in, I never heard her bug him about it again.

I haven't much to say, but it's a powerful post. I was sitting here nodding my head as I read it.

One of the hardest and most painful realizations is that the imprint of mormonism in one's mind is indelible. There seems to be NOTHING that can alter the basic chemical composition of a mind that is stained with the soul breaking taint of mormonism.

Perhaps this applies to introverted people more than the more extroverted types.

Or, so it seems to me.

csuprovograd Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One of the hardest and most painful realizations
> is that the imprint of mormonism in one's mind is
> indelible. There seems to be NOTHING that can
> alter the basic chemical composition of a mind
> that is stained with the soul breaking taint of
> mormonism.
>
> Perhaps this applies to introverted people more
> than the more extroverted types.
>
> Or, so it seems to me.

It seems that way to me too. You have described my feelings even though I last set foot in a Mormon church 35 years ago. I still live in fear of death just in case it is all true, even though my logical mind tells me how ridiculous this is.

Thanks for a heart-felt post, Elder. I'm truly sorry that you experienced this horror as a young man. You have stopped this vicious cycle; that speaks volumes about you. Boner.

Wow.

Always interesting to me to get to know the person behind the moniker.

I don't have much to say except I'm so very glad this cycle of lies and deceit perpetuated in your family has found an end with you. That is powerful and speaks volumes of your character.

I would say God bless but I don't believe in the god that that saying is usually attributed to I'll say this: may you always find peace on your path.

My Mormon abusers got away with it, too. My abusive brother was 6 years old and already very large, when I was born. My parents didn't protect me, and didn't punish my brother. They were in denial that anything was wrong with my brother. When I was old enough to tattle, my parents said I was exaggerating, and punished me for goading him. When I was big enough to kick him, my parents would give me a spanking. The man I married in the temple began beating me the day of our wedding, and didn't stop until I divorced him a year later. He almost killed me. TSCC didn't allow me a temple divorce, and I was not allowed to marry my second TBM husband in the temple, even though we both were temple worthy. The abusive ex now has a total of 3 temple wives, and is "a member in good standing." He beat his other wives, too.

I know you dream of your father changing, but psychopaths NEVER change. My brother never stopped abusing, and when he died, he had two outstanding lawsuits against him. One was for sexual harassment, and the other was for pedophilia. They were Mormons in his ward.

I think it is harder to recover, when the abuse goes unpunished. Both my abusers never admitted to doing anything wrong! Of course, they never apologized, either.

My psychiatrist helped me deal with my past by TAKING CHARGE. After years of trying to make my brother behave, avoiding him, never being alone with him, etc, I finally decided to have no contact with him at all. That was the only way the abuse finally stopped. My TBM parents and TBM family thought I was mean and selfish and unloving and you-name-it, but it was worth the criticism.

My main motivation in stopping my brother's abuse was that he was starting to abuse my children. I had zero tolerance for that. I also had my children resign from the cult, with me. Life can be cruel sometimes, but I made sure that no more cruelty would come from my brother or other cult members. (All of this happened before I knew about JS being a sexual predator and a polygamist.)

Perhaps, instead of wishing for your father to change, you can "break the cycle of abuse" by being the great human being that you are. You can give real friendship and love to others. If you are a father, you can be a good one!

ExMoBandB Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My main motivation in stopping my brother's abuse
> was that he was starting to abuse my children. I
> had zero tolerance for that. I also had my
> children resign from the cult, with me. Life can
> be cruel sometimes, but I made sure that no more
> cruelty would come from my brother or other cult
> members. (All of this happened before I knew
> about JS being a sexual predator and a
> polygamist.)
>
> Perhaps, instead of wishing for your father to
> change, you can "break the cycle of abuse" by
> being the great human being that you are. You can
> give real friendship and love to others. If you
> are a father, you can be a good one!

The physical abuse I suffered was nothing compared to the neglect and feeling of abandonment and being valued as "posterity" instead of being a loved child.

Your abuse sounds so much worse to me. I'm glad you are breaking the cycle as well.

I'm not that great of a father but I am there for them and will listen to them and love them the best that I can. Sometimes I think I should have never had kids because I feel broken. But I realize that I am only bent from bad parents and a terrible belief system. I can do better and I am trying to do better by my children before they are grown and in only a few short years they all will be.

My wife is one of the most loving and kind mothers I have seen. She also loves me more than LDS Inc. so I've found love in my life.

But it is hard to forget parents and family. It wasn't all bad and those good times haunt me.

Oh man, Elder Berry. The horror. You must have a lot of inner resilience. You certainly are an impressive example of it.

I have watched a lot of people being folded into that church and used up by it. The legacy of Joseph Smith is sexual secrecy and abuse. I've seen and heard too much of it to believe that it is an isolated problem. What happened to you should never have happened.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2014 05:24AM by donbagley.

We're happy you made it through and out the other side. So sorry for your losses as a young boy. It is tough. I've never forgotten. People tell me I must, but I don't think it's true that I need to. These memories have to stay alive with someone.

The pain is always there. It's just a matter of how you deal with it so it doesn't mess up your life so much. Mormonism isn't about helping you cope. And that's why a person has to leave the church rather than just dismiss it. It's a personal statement that you have rejected something that causes even more pain.

All of you wonderful ExMos, thank you for your thoughts and praise. Granting myself that I'm not an evil ExMo or angry apostate has been huge for me and RfM was instrumental in my being able to do it.

Tom, this hit me hard.

Tom Padley Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The pain is always there. It's just a matter of
> how you deal with it so it doesn't mess up your
> life so much. Mormonism isn't about helping you
> cope. And that's why a person has to leave the
> church rather than just dismiss it. It's a
> personal statement that you have rejected
> something that causes even more pain.

Back in 2003 and early 2004 when I found out that Joseph Smith was a sexual predator I was in shock. It was strange because I was also furious about my ancestor (Zina Huntington) and didn't know about Helen Mar Kimball. I had been contracting and didn't have steady work and the thought of giving another red cent to LDS Inc. made me seriously think of driving off a cliff and killing myself. I knew that in my little family my wife would stay with LDS Inc. no matter what. Her parents are kind and good people and she would never cross them.

I was distraught. I didn't know what to do. I resolved to tell my wife and let her divorce me if that is what she wanted. She knew about Zina since I had shared it with her, but she didn't know the level of emotional problems I was having with these revelations was.

What I didn't know driving home that cold winter was what I know now and what prompted this post. And you, Tom, put it better than I could.

"It's just a matter of how you deal with it so it doesn't mess up your life so much. Mormonism isn't about helping you cope. And that's why a person has to leave the church rather than just dismiss it."

The thought of supporting a church founded by a sexual predator is anathema to myself. And I can't truly convince my wife, my children and others why.

This is what I felt 11 years ago. Deep in my brain I realized without articulating it to myself that if I tried to "fake it" or stay or do anything like support this organization I would be so very untrue to myself. I would be supporting and organization founded by a man who used people to the degree I was used when I was molested at 12.

Wow. Thank you for saying all this. My favorite parts from above:

"Getting over it is same as forgetting a part of yourself."

"It's a personal statement that you have rejected something that causes even more pain."

"There seems to be NOTHING that can alter the basic chemical composition of a mind that is stained with the soul breaking taint of mormonism."

"Deep in my brain I realized without articulating it to myself that if I tried to "fake it" or stay or do anything like support this organization I would be so very untrue to myself."

I so agree.

Thank you.

It was from the heart, Elder Berry

so what If I robbed banks and murdered people.
It was long ago.
Get over it.

+1

You print up a few hundred postcards with the info and names on them and mail them to neighbors where this happened and church as well as civic officials.

Out the bastards! Passage of time does not matter - they need to have the spotlight on them.

Elder Berry, I am so sorry for what you and your sisters experienced. It is a terrible thing to have had to endure.

I love your posts and enjoy your perspective on the whacky world of Mormonism. I find it upsetting but at times absolutely hilarious that Mormonism prides itself on being sexually chaste/pure meanwhile being founded by a predator/pervert and a group of horny, predatory men.

Strong stuff, Elder Berry, bang on the nail.

Glad you're here to say it.

Tom in Paris

Elder Berry, I forgot to add that when something traumatic happens to a person such as what you went through, it's very possible that in addition to continuing to talk about it and needing to talk about it being due to the perps never having been brought to justice - is that you might have PTSD.

I bet lots of exmos suffer from it, due to not being believed by Mormons, and non Mormons alike - who can't seem to wrap their head around the cult-like nature of Mormonism and how it can damage people's souls, minds, lives, relationships, etc. When we go through something traumatic like being cut off or ridiculed by family for leaving Mormonism, etc., we can experience PTSD and that's not something you can get over - at least not easily.Apparently PTSD can be helped through a combination of therapy, medication and sometimes things like a service dog. Just a few thoughts.

Hope you've been able to find a reputable, non-mormon or at the very least exmormon but professionally trained therapist whom you can discuss this info with to help you recover further, if that's what you need. Take good care!

I needed to read this.

It hit me in a way that no words can describe.

Thankyou for typing it.

when a person is severely traumatized (physically, verbally, spiritually, whatever), a part of their personality freezes at the age they were when this happened. Unless the trauma can be teased out and "re-processed" with the help of a skilled therapist, the person is literally incapable of growing past that. In a sense, the trauma is just as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.

That's why they can't just "get over it," no matter how long ago it happened.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. There are something you can't get over, people say to do therapy, sometimes that doesn't help, sometimes you just have to live with it. I'm sorry.

roslyn Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. There are something you
> can't get over, people say to do therapy,
> sometimes that doesn't help, sometimes you just
> have to live with it. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget that being a victim of abuse makes me different than people who aren't victims of abuse.

You are right, I have to live with it. My perp, my father, and my former church all changed my life fundamentally.

So, when an "apostle" says stuff like this I wonder. He probably never was a victim of abuse and doesn't know the life altering effects. A person becomes sensitive to things most people ignore like possibly innocent comments which seem manipulative and loving words from people which we discount or suspect are false as a gut reaction.

"The victim must do all in his or her power to stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent because of being disabled by fear or the power or authority of the offender. At some point in time, however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse. Your priesthood leader will help assess your responsibility so that, if needed, it can be addressed. Otherwise the seeds of guilt will remain and sprout into bitter fruit. Yet no matter what degree of responsibility, from absolutely none to increasing consent, the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ can provide a complete cure. (See D&C 138:1–4.) Forgiveness can be obtained for all involved in abuse. (See A of F 1:3.) Then comes a restoration of self-respect, self-worth, and a renewal of life."

"Caution

I caution you not to participate in two improper therapeutic practices that may cause you more harm than good. They are: Excessive probing into every minute detail of your past experiences, particularly when this involves penetrating dialogue in group discussion; and blaming the abuser for every difficulty in your life.

While some discovery is vital to the healing process, the almost morbid probing into details of past acts, long buried and mercifully forgotten, can be shattering. There is no need to pick at healing wounds to open them and cause them to fester. The Lord and his teachings can help you without destroying self-respect.

There is another danger. Detailed leading questions that probe your past may unwittingly trigger thoughts that are more imagination or fantasy than reality. They could lead to condemnation of another for acts that were not committed. While likely few in number, I know of cases where such therapy has caused great injustice to the innocent from unwittingly stimulated accusations that were later proven false. Memory, particularly adult memory of childhood experiences, is fallible. Remember, false accusation is also a sin.

Stated more simply, if someone intentionally poured a bucket of filth on your carpet, would you invite the neighbors to determine each ingredient that contributed to the ugly stain? Of course not. With the help of an expert, you would privately restore its cleanliness."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/healing-the-tragic-scars-of-abuse?lang=eng



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2014 07:05AM by Elder Berry.

they say these things only to inoculate themselves hoping to make future accusers seem appear off balance and not trustworthy so that they can be more easily dismissed.

When they have Joseph Smith standing by their side backing them up and you have to accept their "turn the other cheek" Jesus morals that they raised you with, you have no power and they are mingling with gods.

I long ago learn that people who say crap like victim blaming have never been there. It is a slap in the face of victims like you and me and all the countless others when someone says you have the power to stop abuse, especially those of us abused as kids because we had no power.

Triggering is something I have tried to avoid, although sometimes I speak out after reading something disturbing. As far as forgiveness, nah I'm not in that camp, maybe that makes me the bad guy but I think forgiving in these types of cases just gives abusers the credence to do it again.