You grind up Spam and mix it with wheat germ so it will go farther.

You think Adam and Eve lived in Missouri.

You think a gross vs. net argument for tithing calculations is an intellectual pursuit and could be a topic for a PhD thesis.

Pay Lay Alol

Your definition of service includes sending your children to knock on strangers' doors for two years.

Your definition of service includes dressing up in a white outfit, watching the same movie over and over and practicing handshakes.

Looking at a picture of Warren Jeffs gives you the heebie-jeebies, but looking at a picture of Joseph Smith gives you a burning in your bosom.

You leave unworthy family members to sit in a waiting room while you get married.

You're worried that you laugh too loud.

You like to use the word "astray."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2015 05:28PM by want2bx.

You hate the sin, but love the sinner even though they are morally corrupt and must be kept away from at all costs.

You think green jello should be a part of the food pyramid.

Your Boy Scouts are different from real Boy Scouts.

You are very experienced at erasing internet history.

You might be a Nevada mormon if you think green jello sucks and that orange is the onetruejello.

you might be a mormon if you wear white clothing while cleaning the restrooms.

If as a psychic, you lead police to the escapees.

Mormon Psychic Leads FBI to Killer

http://news.yahoo.com/second-ny-prison-escapee-shot-captured-us-media-200625701.html

so tell us about this "psychic".

I must have missed it reading the news article.

. . . as a kid you played strip poker with ROOK or UNO cards.

. . . you drink hot chocolate but not iced tea because your
scripture says to avoid "hot drinks."

. . . you say "we're not an obedience-based cult" because you
are told to say that.

. . . you have trouble finding a stylish swim suit that covers
your shoulders.

Good ones, especially no. 3.

...you have a niece or nephew only a year younger than you are.

...you have a child in diapers and another on a mission

or... you have an aunt or uncle just a year younger than you are.

you see a cemetery with a bunch of headstones with carvings of beehives, sunstones or "patriarchal grips" and think a bunch of mormons are buried there.

(by far the most prolific headstone carvings in Holly Springs, Mississippi)

Holly Springs? Not to far from Lake Sardis. Had a waterski tourney there back I the 90's.

You shake it only twice after peeing

You feel guilty for using your left hand partaking the bread or water

You believe the GA bullsh#t.

You have "teaching moments" instead of conversations.

You preach more than you listen.

You know when you're a Mormon working mother when Sunday is your most exhausting day of the week.

When you can't wait until Monday, when you can be with your family again.

...your definition of charity is "tithing."

You have tender mercies instead of coincidences.

Your clergy and dentist are the same person.

Motherhood is equal to priesthood, not fatherhood.

You need to check your genealogy before going on a date.

your idea of a date night is going to a temple session and then out for ice cream.

Hey Jerry...call me! The Gaffer

You think Noah's ark, nephites and the tower of babel are all real, but you are skeptical of the science of global warming

...you think people who show their shoulders are sluts.

you demand forgiveness from those you've abused.

Auuugh!! it hurts! it hurts!!

You have to ask for a glass of water because everyone else at the junior high banquet was automatically given sweet tea.

You make a point of telling the restaurant server that no one at your table drinks coffee, when she's just asking a simple question - anyone interested in coffee or dessert? - and then you order the richest triple chocolate frudge brownie on the menu.

You attend church or drive by temples when you're on vacation.

You're the kid in high school that everyone knows is "weird," since you self-righteously asked them not to use profanity around you, and you turned down dates because you couldn't date nonmembers.

You baptize Hitler so he can be in your magic underwear celestial club and get his own planet.

You're the bishop's daughter and always walk away in disgust when anyone starts telling a risque joke. You and your RM boyfriend have a very private non-temple marriage. A couple of months later, your RM brother and his girlfriend do the same thing. Shortly thereafter, your dad is released from his calling.

Really happened - SLC ward 1965.

If you tell your son or daughter as they leave for their missions (that they may be going on only because you said you'd disown and shun then if they didn't) that you would rather they die than lose their faith, YOU MAY BE A FUCKING MORMON!!!!!!

Ron Burr

All of your friends are "frenemies" because you're obliged to rat each other out.

If you know what health in the navel means.... you might be a mormon..


If you pray for moisture .....


If you tell your wife she has to give you more sex to prevent you from sinning by masturbating.....




If you ask your 45 year old daughter if she really réally was a virgin when getting married 23 years ago.... you might be a mormon...

If you know what "pay lay ale" means, you just might be an old Mormon.

long and still growing. Your latest contributions are added here:

http://salamandersociety.com/mormonif/

You pay the morg church thousands in tithing, fast offerings etc...without really knowing what you're paying for.


You go to church for 3 hours every Sunday and the subjects are constantly recycled over and over....

You think that Jesus drank grape juice and not wine.

You might be a mormon if:

You put a T-shirt under an infants sundress to keep her from tempting men.

You could show the Masonics all of their handshakes.

You spent your childhood worrying about walking to Missouri.

If the local insurance agent has asked you very personal details about your sex life.

If the same insurance agents gets to determine your social standing for eternity.

Your underwear a longer than your shorts.
You wear long johns all summer.

Your kids haven't met their grandparents because GP's are always on a mission.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/12/2015 04:34PM by madalice.

You are sure you have a ticket on the express elevator to the CK....and tell people you do.

RB