I'm going to the States for Thanksgiving because aside from having turkey together, my family is having a memorial for my dad. I have been asked to sing at it.

We leave in a week and I'm already nervous about dealing with my family. I already got into a fight with a sister last night. I have an enormous family, half of which consists of conservative Christians, and a quarter of which are batshit crazy. The rest are basically normal, but it's not like you can have a conversation with them.

I wish I could push a fast forward button and today's date could be December 1.

I feel kind of like this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueo98T3NDyE



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2014 03:38AM by knotheadusc.

I think you should have a plan for each day that you have decided upon yourself. Factor in time away from everyone who drains you, so you have some fun time for yourself to look forward to. Little treats for yourself that no one else knows about will make you have a much better time and you will feel in control. It's supposed to be a holiday for you too, not just for everyone else.

We usually have a big party in the barn on Friday. That's the day of my dad's memorial and reception, too. One of my cousins, who is organizing the party, tried to rope me into KP duty on Friday night. I'd have to be "working" with one of my sisters, who annoys the pee out of me (haven't seen her in 8 years for that reason-- even her emails piss me off).

I told the cousin I doubted I'd feel like partying on Friday. I think my husband and I are going to go out to dinner instead. That way I can avoid being forced to deal with my sister and the huge number of people who are going to overtake the barn.

The sister I fought with last night is staying at the same B&B we are. Hopefully, we will avoid any arguments. I think I'm just going to put in appearances at the mandatory events, try to enjoy the time in Virginia, and see some friends.

Knotty, as long as you have a car and the B&B, you have your means of escape. Put in token appearances when you need to and then take off. Good luck to you.

That video is exactly how I feel about hosting my BIL and family and parents in-law for Thanksgiving. I find myself calculating how much wine I could drink before someone would notice.

I have a gay cousin whose husband has a similar method of coping with my large and overwhelming family. ;D

As rough as it is for those of us born into it, it must be even worse for those who marry into it. They are good people, but loud, opinionated, and just overwhelming.

I always do what Kendall Mint Cake and Knotheadusc do. I plan ahead to see my friends, or go to lunch, or just go out for coffee. I usually have very little time to myself. If there is a break, I sneak off to my favorite old bakery, buy a piece of their chocolate cream cake, and eat it in the park where I used to play as a child. This refreshes me. If I'm visiting by myself, and have my own room, I sneak interesting books out of the huge collection there, excuse myself to go to bed early, and read way too late into the night. Books have always been a good escape.

Sometimes KP is better than sitting and visiting with the crowd of people. You can limit your conversation to, "Is this clean or dirty? What pretty dishes! Where's the soap?" Or, not say anything at all. It's OK to do dishes in silence, or sing to yourself, or put on some earbuds and listen to your ipod.

When you repeat an experience enough times, you get the techniques down, and learn a few tricks. There are always children at family parties, and they are usually neglected, because the parents like to gossip and brag about their church callings. My family is mostly TBM, and the cult always dominates. So--I go play with and talk to the children and teen-agers. I like to know what they are doing and thinking these days. Sometimes they have a fresh perspective. Children always make me laugh. Here is a very entertaining group of fun, positive, still unbrainwashed, kids, who only want to have a good time, and do not judge. Bring along your favorite game, or outdoor bowling, a volleyball and net, a football. If the weather's nice, you can take the kids outside, while the adults are competing for attention and importance inside. Offer to help the kids pick up the toys, or get them ready for bed, or read them a story--the adults are tired of doing that.

Another fun thing to do is bring your camera or i-phone, and take photos, both group poses, or candid shots of the kids. You can text or e-mail people pictures on their cell phones while still at the party, if you want. People like that. If someone starts on an unpleasant subject, you can be distracted by fussing with your camera and i-phone, and asking them for help.

I have only a few sentences to say: "Let's not talk about church or work--this is a holiday!" and if someone asks what I've been doing, or why I haven't been to this or that Mormon function, or why I don't date, or why I haven't been on a cruise, I say, "I work, and spend my free time with my kids."

Never get into a debate! Regardless of the subject. If you are in the medical field, and a relative is giving out advice that is dead wrong--keep it to yourself. My Mormon family thinks they know it all, and I would never contradict them. Let them tell their stories of God blessing them with parking places or found pet hamsters. I grew up in another state, and went to other schools, so I can be different from them.

Your goal is not to explain or apologize or even to understand them. Your goal is to have fun.

The extended family thanksgiving is being held at a house with a big yard that opens up into a canyon, and I usually go on a short hike Thanksgiving morning, after the preparation is done. If you feel like you are losing it, go in the bathroom, and give yourself a silent locker room pep-talk.

Go easy on the caffiene, chocolate, alcohol, and anything you are allergic to. You need all the energy you can muster. I kind of look at it all as a challenge to keep calm, happy, stable, and to think of others. It's good training for the business world.

Oh gawd... no debates. That's good advice. I remember one year my aunt and a cousin got into a heated discussion about abortion. Not pleasant.

Yikes! You'd think they'd have known better than to discuss heated topics at such a time. Holidays are supposed to be spent relaxing in the company of loved ones and getting away from the problems of the world. Abortion is not a dinner-friendly topic!!

Well, they weren't at dinner at the time (thank GOD)... My cousin, who is very Christian, was wearing a t-shirt that was anti-abortion. My aunt had been a nurse at Planned Parenthood. Though she was a very conservative person politically, she was very pro choice due to her time at Planned Parenthood... you can imagine the debate.

Fortunately, I only have to deal with Thanksgiving. Christmas and New Year's will be nice and cozy in Germany.

i've read about your trip to esslingen.
"We're going to have to go back and be more careful about the time next time."

http://www.esslingen-marketing.de/en/the-esslingen-medieval-market-and-christmas-market

http://www.esslingen-marketing.de/en/artist-of-the-medieval-market

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsveYmuweQ4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOkiGeIIQ5k

They were setting up the Christmas market in Esslingen while we were there. We will definitely be back once this trip is over.

We already had Thanksgiving last month, so no problem there. We had a nice dinner at my sister's house.

I just want Christmas to come and go. I noticed that when you're a kid, Christmas is the most important day of the year.

As an adult, it's more like, "Oh, god, Christmas is coming again?"

I'll be happy when the holiday season is over. It's not stressful. I just don't like it. It's a hassle.

Yeah it's nuts how as a kid Christmas is hyper-inducing exciting and now especially since I've become Atheist it's something I could easily do completely without.

I'm not looking forward to them at all.

Just found out DD is going to have surgery a few days before Xmas -- and she's going to come home for it because she wants me to take care of her during her recovery period. My two oldest kids (in their 20s) are coming from out of state for Xmas, and their nasty, emotionally abusive TBM dad will be flying in for four days after Xmas, too. I have a pay gap coming up in January due to the nature of my job, and am facing a very expensive car repair (car has been broken since late August). Buying holiday gifts and the expected Xmas dinner will be difficult. I'm also facing stressful legal difficulties with another bat$h!t crazy relative. Yay!

My family makes a lot of sarcastic, derogatory remarks about how I dislike Xmas (am not even a Christian, btw), yet they still expect me to put out: food, decoration, gifts, and holiday cheer. I will be very glad when it's over.

Ugh. My sister, the one I haven't seen in about 8 years, makes fun of me because I've come to hate family reunions for the same reasons you list. They often turn nasty. I've sworn them off for the most part, but I kinda have to go this year since the reunion is also for my dad... who was also abusive to me. I loved him, but I often didn't like him very much. Of course, if I skip this, I'm the one who will look like an asshole.

I need to focus on the good things... but I can't help but remember how nice Thanksgiving was last year. My husband, my mother in law, and I went to a fantastic French restaurant in San Antonio. While I don't miss San Antonio, I'd rather do that than deal with a huge family gathering. Next year, we'll have to plan a trip somewhere for the holiday.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/18/2014 11:00AM by knotheadusc.

Even though I am unemployed at the moment, I still have no time for obnoxious relatives. My house is the open house where a down on his luck relative can stay. The obvious drawback is that I live in the holiday house. Holidays feel forced and I cannot bring myself to like anyone who does not like me. My holidays involve taking off to the park to read. My phone will also be turned off to avoid former ward members trying to re baptize me.

That's got to be tough. I used to be jealous of my cousins because they got to live in the house where we all gathered. Now I realize how lucky I was that I didn't.

there are a whole slew of family birthdays between November 21 and December 20, and some of the kids were spiteful enough to have their OWN children curing that period as well, so that means even MORE birthdays.

We have time to take a few deep breaths between Birthday/Thanksgiving season, and then Christmas is upon us.

And I have had a deep remnant of sorrow in my heart about Christmas since childhood, because my father was in a coma on Christmas Day and died five days later. It was a ghastly time. Yeah, it's been more than half-a-century, and people say, "C'mon, get over it!" but how can you, when it's all mixed in together? I can so vividly recall my mother saying that it was a good thing that I had Christmas vacation time, because I was needed to help take care of my dying father - and this way, I didn't have to miss school. Yeah, it was a great time, all right.

When I was a young mother, and I saw my little toddler son's eyes light up in wonder with the beautifully decorated Christmas tree and all the gifts under it, that was wonderful. But it never completely overrode the underlying feeling of sadness and loss.

We are elderly now, and unable to do much shopping, so everyone gets gift cards of one sort or another. I'm grateful that they understand.

The truth is, once the calendar flips over and we can start the new year with the Rose Parade, and the Rose Bowl game, the stress is over and I feel like I can breathe again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father all those years ago. People say time heals all wounds--I say, wouldn't THAT be nice. I think we, as a society, still do a poor job of acknowledging childhood grief. My hubby's mom had a still born girl when my DH was ten years old. My MIL talks frequently about her grief and DH's dad's grief. I think I was the first person to ask my hubby what that loss was like for him. I don't think he'd ever considered that he had a right to grieve. He and his then six year old brother are never included in the story of the loss in any way. Nothing like the enforced cheeriness of the holidays to make grief come to the surface.

Wishing you peace.

Right now, stressing is an understatement around my neck of the woods. Since mom got sick, things have been crazy and with the holidays nearing it is only going to get worse. I feel bad for mom because dad and I have to keep her on a tight leash when it comes to stress, and the holidays brings a ton of it with some of the nut jobs that I have in my family.

We are going to try and go to my brothers for thanksgiving but mom is not sure how long she will be about to handle being there with my great-niece who is almost 2 and my great nephew who will be three next weekend. My niece would be okay, but my nephew will be another story.

I am also running into another problem with work because I work in retail. That brings another level of stress into the mix because this is the time of year when some people forget how to be nice and use their manners on top of the fact that the store gets crazy busy. Each year I swear that I will not be working in retail again the coming year but it never fails that I am still working at the same place.

Y'know, almost all of you have very good reasons to cut back on the stressful stuff. If your daughter is recovering from surgery, or if your mother is sick, you must be assertive, and do what is best for them! I believe in win-win. If you tell the pesky, obnoxious relatives that you will be taking care of sick people, and will not take in any house guests, the sick ones will have a much better recovery. I was taking care of my sick mother, who needed constant care from me, until I could find a caregiver for the night shift. A distant relative dropped in to stay with us, and everyone else welcomed him, though I was the one doing the cooking, changing the beds, doing the laundry, holding my mother's hand. Late at night, I heard rummaging in the living room, and found the relative going through all the drawers and book cases. I asked him what he was doing, and he said that my mother had given him some gold coins, and he forgot where he put them. I knew she hadn't given them to him. There was a diamond and some other valuable jewelry missing, and I had no proof, but I know he took them. Relatives like these DON'T CARE what others are going through.

Working in retail is stressful and exhausting--but if you could go home and put your feet up, relax, and watch a Christmas movie with your mom and dad, you could get through it. Go to your brother's, without worrying about your parents, and bring them back a lovely meal, for them to eat at their leisure.

I feel sorry for the sick ones! How can they get care, and rest, when everyone is busy preparing meals and cleaning up? Have soup for dinner. You must learn to say "NO". Read a book or two on assertiveness training: "The Assertive (not aggressive) Woman" or "When I Say 'No' I Feel Guilty."

Knotheadusc, you could never be accused of being an asshole! If your mother-in-law is alone on Christmas, that is a good reason for you and your husband to make a permanent tradition of your one great Christmas in San Antonio. Choose her over a father who was abusive to you. Abusers usually don't stop, and I finally broke off all contact with my bully brother, when he started bullying my children. Do you really want someone like that in your life?

None of you really LIKE to do these things, anyway, and IMO, you all have good reasons!!!

I would never allow anyone into my house, if I knew they didn't like me. Dinners cost a lot of money. Just tell everyone that this year you don't have the money to spend on food and gifts, and you're going to have a humble, Christ-centered Christmas.

Mormonism teaches us to put others first--well, church is first, then family is second, you come last--not! For the sake of your health, happiness, and sanity, take charge of your own holiday.

Since resigning, part of the fun of Christmas is to be inventive and different, and do whatever we feel like doing. We do have to turn down some invitations, and negotiate which in-laws are having Thanksgiving dinner at what time, and who can drive across town to make it at a certain time, etc. Whew.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2014 05:33AM by forestpal.

Thanks forestpal. To clarify, my dad died over the summer and the only reason I am flying all the way from Germany for Thanksgiving is because we are having a memorial for him. Mom wanted to do it now because people generally show up for the reunion, so more would be able to attend the memorial if they wanted to. I have a bunch of relatives scattered through the southern states.

If we still live here next year (and I think we will), I'd like it if my mother-in-law came here to Germany and celebrated with us, though if she does, it'll probably be at Christmas. My husband's mom is a wonderful woman. My mom is too, but our family is huge and you know how that goes. Some of them are truly fun to be with and I look forward to seeing them, but I also really look forward to peace and quiet and being with my husband, whom I KNOW will not upset or insult me.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2014 07:20AM by knotheadusc.

When humans are sharing quarters, it doesn't take many to reach critical mass. That's why they call it the nuclear family. Boom!

No. Have no living relatives. Will spend the holidays with a few friends here in this small town. Have a few drinks, no presents and life will go on. Life is good,,

Focus on the song and your love for your Dad.

Most families stress out on holidays due to exceeded expectations and unresolved issues. You do not need to fix them or engage with their drama.

Tension might also be a big higher in your family, due to the grief and loss of your Dad. (My condolences)

Build in "down time" in your trip. Take opportunities to de-stress with walking, reading, music, etc.

Reward yourself with something great when the event is over. An evening out with friends, a massage, a night in with your fave movie and pizza...whatever makes you feel regrounded in your life.

RMM

Yes... already have talked to awesome exmo husband about this. When we get back, it'll be time to plan our first major trip since moving back to Europe.

I have a feeling it'll be Ireland.

The first "holidays" with TBM family since resigning from TMC (The Mormon CULTure "church") will not be 2014! Maybe next year. I'd sometimes rather hang out with friends, strangers, ex-mos or in peace in the wild. I may spend more time with the lonely, ill and infirm and doing more for and with friends.

Mormonism takes the natural joy out of the family and the simple spirit out of the holidays. I don't think I can do it. I would rather be with people who love life and each other more than JSC itself.

Ex-Mo virtual Thanksgiving spirit!

The hardest part of living overseas, for me, was not only being far from all that is familiar and worrying about a constantly traveling husband and a kid who was not sick a lot but had some issues while we were away; it was the trips home during the holidays.

The stress, the travel itself, weather delays, not getting along but sometimes being forced into close quarters with, others who are related to you that for family or other reasons, you have to reign in your mouth or thoughts around, etc.

I've talked about this before here. My sister who died last tear was a drug addict and alcoholic, mostly in the throes of her addiction all of her teen and adult life. My mother was her enabler. Her kids were all in severe straits of different kinds due to the way she "raised" them. But at holidays or any trip we made home, my mother emotionally, manipulatively and very urgently/insistently, wanted us all to play happy families. It never ever worked.

Every trip was a disaster, a fight, an emotional upheaval. We just finally had to say we weren't doing it her way anymore, or putting up with it and gave several concrete, explicit examples as to why not. Our relationship suffered. I was blamed for not being accepting of my sisters issues and for stirring up trouble where none existed, according to her. My sister and I had very ugly words (nothing at all new from her as she was under the influence and has always been pretty vulgar); my husband after 20 years of negotiating, cracking jokes, talking soothingly to all to try and bring things down a notch finally just said, that's it were done. You don't respect us or treat us well and our son, we, don't deserve this. No one does and I don't know why you just refuse to see that what you are doing is hateful and wrong. We're over it. Argue amongst yourselves from now on. We left and went back to the hotel, and did not see any of them again during that trip home.

It caused problems for my child. I tried to get my mom alone prior years to come visit our overseas home; we asked her again to do this now or the following month, our treat. No go. She wouldn't or couldn't, first because it would be unfair to my sister not to get an international trip(!), and also as she had to watch her house, her car, her things and my sister's youngest like a hawk, to keep drugs away, her criminal friends out of the house, a theft or abuse from occuring.

At that point we said if you want to see us you will, if you don't, you won't. It's that simple. But we are not putting up with this maudlin farce (plus her over the top religious goofy wailing talk made her voice so shrill and crazy that we told her we just could not discuss anything rationally with her at this point, which was the cherry on top; she began ranting and raving hysterically about Jesus, blah blah blah).

I told her I am an adult with a child of my own; you did not allow your parents and their abnormal behaviors to get in your way and direct your upbringing of us as children, and I am not letting you and yours get in mine. These are the rules for our visit; if you are ok with them, fine, if not, our visit will be brief or not take place at all.

We didn't talk for months; sad, depressing and upsetting for me. I'd get nasty voicemails that when my husband heard them, he'd say that woman gets no contact with our son. Then suddenly and slowly, over time, I started getting a text here and some nicer emails and calls. My son talked to her on the phone and Skyped her, with me in the room only, etc.

We've talked some about the problems and while things are not ok, and may never be as the damage is just too deep and continued in for so long, my being insistent on my concerns being acknowledged and me insisting on my terms for talks and visits, has helped.

I would not suggest you pick at any wound or bring up any incident or issue you are not ok with erupting all over the place during your visit. Holidays are stressful for everyone and sometimes too much togetherness is explosive. Limit your exposure to the insanity/the people who are toxic to you. Get plenty of test, take your vitamins and drink plenty of water and don't overdo it in traveling too far for too long, or stretching yourself too thinly, doing too much for too many people. Make a safe base somewhere and a plan for escaping to it, you can easily execute on your own, and listen to your instincts; if you think it's getting ugly or going into territory you are not comfortable entering, then don't.

Just make some excuses, leave politely and quietly, and let them discuss you after you're gone.

This is why I'm glad my TBM siblings are all emotionally distant and have no particular desire to get together at holidays. They're centered on their own kids and grandkids. thank you for leaving me out of it.

I'm declaring war on Christmas. Happy Holidays to you all.