Hi everyone. We use to post here a lot after leaving a few years ago & received so much great advice that Im hoping you will be able to help us with this issue as well.

After leaving tscc dh's extreme TBM side of the family shunned us. We tried to maintain a relationship with them but eventually gave up due to their behavior toward us. With a lot of advice from everyone here we sadly realized that they could never accept us or have unconditional love for us and worst of all that some of their behavior was actually abusive. Life has been really good since distancing ourselves from them. We are much happier.

We decided to not announce my pregnancy to these tbm family members but recently I ran into my SIL & she noticed. News spread like wild fire. We have been bombarded with texts, emails & phone calls. And now we are even getting requests of when they can visit the new baby after the birth. We honestly don't want them to come over at all. It's extremely stressful for us. Every time we would see any of them it would take us like a week to recover and start feeling normal again.Some of them can act normal around us but even those relationships are fake and unauthentic. We feel very judged, criticized & unaccepted by all of them.

It's just hard saying no to DH's entire side of the family. We have tried to talk to them about the way they treat us but it doesn't help. We have realized that there is no conversation that could improve the relationship.

Do we say no or let them come by to see our new baby? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Very few of my family were that way after I left, but one particularly nasty aunt/uncle were.

They wanted to come visit after our first child, after not having any contact with me for 9 years.

I told them sure, come on over -- but the condition was that they were not to bring up the church once. No asking when/if we were going to bless the child in church, nothing about the child was going to be raised, nothing about the benefits of raising a child in the church -- not a word.

They didn't come. :)

"I told them sure, come on over -- but the condition was that they were not to bring up the church once. No asking when/if we were going to bless the child in church, nothing about the child
was going to be raised, nothing about the benefits of raising a child in the church -- not a word.

They didn't come. :)"

I love this. That worked so great for you. I wonder what I would have to say to get them to not show up at my house. That would be perfect.

anon4thisone Wrote:
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> I love this. That worked so great for you. I
> wonder what I would have to say to get them to not
> show up at my house. That would be perfect.

I actually got a christmas card from them this year, first time *ever* -- and it's been 18 years since the first child incident. Haven't heard a thing from them in all that time. I think they're getting old, and realizing they've been rather inflexible. They're not just a problem with me, by the way -- they're so annoying that even many of my TBM relatives can't stand them. :)

The last thing a new mom needs is a lot of unwanted visitors.

Maybe hubby could put it out there that you're thinking of having a little get together after the baby is born. However, you're going to wait and see how you're feeling, and how the baby is doing before you sign up for certain date and time. In the meantime, you're asking for NO visitors until you're up to it. Then don't do anything. Or, if you want to, have a two hour open house where they can all show up, and then get out. Whatever you feel like doing. At least that way it won't be strung out for visit after visit, get it over with all in a two hour span.

The problem .I see with my suggestion is that mormons have a tendency to ignore requests like that. They think it doesn't apply to them, because they are extra special. You may have to get very hardline about "this is the time to visit, and no other!". I think your hubby should stand guard over this situation since its his side of the family.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2015 12:57PM by madalice.

"However, you're going to wait and see how you're feeling, and how the baby is doing before you sign up for certain date and time. In the meantime, you're asking for NO visitors until you're up to it. Then don't do anything."

Great suggestion. I just worry that because I would actually intend on never doing anything they would keep asking when because they are crazy persistent like that. Mormons don't take hints very well.

that their motivation is to see your child added to the numbers of their church.

And some TBMs are successful at this due to the ignorance/spinelessness of exmos or jackmos. We saw this with a BIL and SIL who had left the church. TBM FIL and MIL insisted on FIL giving the baby a blessing and for some unknown reason they relented. FIL did the deed at the home of BIL and SIL.

When TBM rellies realize they can't get you back they will try to get to your kids. It's just they way they work. And because we had "blessed" our first baby in the Mormon church they went (and still try) to go after him with gusto...moreso than out other kids.

I think you are right. They haven't yet tried to "save" our other children but we haven't given them the chance either. From day one DH has said that if his family was given the opportunity they would try to indoctrinate our children.

And the funny thing is that his parents have completely dropped us. The only interaction they want to have with us is their interest in our children. Like sending them gifts, wanting to come to their school/sport events, calling them on the phone, texting asking how they are doing, etc.

If they did bring up a blessing they would be shot down very fast.

>It's just hard saying no to DH's entire side of the family.

Help me out here. What is so hard about saying no to people who are toxic, abusive, have shunned you, and who you are "much happier" not dealing with?? I don't get it.

I am always amazed at people who expect the benefits of a relationship without there BEING a relationship. I woudn't even sugar coat it for them. Unless you REALLY want these people back in your lives, I would remind them that it was THEIR choice to treat you poorly and ultimately shun you. THEIR CHOICE. Let them know that you have worked your way through the pain of their separation, are comfortable and much happier with the way things turned out, and really have no desire to take a step backwards at this time. Inform them that over time your views might change, and if so, let it be a "don't call us, we'll call you" situation. Wish them well and tell them not to go away mad...just go away.

Mr. Happy I'm glad you commented. I remember your advice really helped us last time. You helped me see shunning & abusive behavior in a new light.

It's hard because they are my children's grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc and we use to have a great relationship with them. I realize now that the relationship wasn't what I thought it was but I do have many years of good memories. But the relationship has changed and it is actually much better now with out all of them.

I like the way you worded the last paragraph, very accurate of the situation.

Yeah, I get the whole "children's grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc." thing. And it is because of the family connection that it is difficult for me to understand why people treat strangers better than their own family members.

I have a daughter who is going through in-law troubles herself. It is so bad that her husband (in his early 30's) has suffered chest pains in having to deal with his own family. Yet, they maintain enough contact to allow these people to continually beat them up. It is a game called "Kick Me". Get bashed around and go back for more. It is like they have a "Kick Me" sign on their back. Eventually they will distance themselves from the in-law situation, but only after getting the crap beat out of them a few more times.

You would not accept the behavior of your in-laws from strangers or other acquaintances in your life. Just because someone is "blood" does not give them a free pass to treat you poorly. Don't accept it from them. Don't play "Kick Me".

Best of luck to you.

Yep I'm definitely done playing kick me. Thats where I was last time I came here broken & looking for advice. It's much better not playing their games anymore. DH just read your comment and we both like the perspective you provide.

I can be a real b word, but my response would be I only want my children spending time with people who love their parents for who they are. If you can't do that, you can't see my kids.

"I only want my children spending time with people who love their parents for who they are. If you can't do that, you can't see my kids."

I love this and I think that I could actually say this to them. It would even be easy enough to fit into a text. =)

Newborn babies, BIC, are the Mormon cult's #1 source of new members! Remember this! Nothing you do, IMO, can be too rude or too harsh.

Anon4thisone and Notmonotlogged in Mormons, even family members, going behind the parents' back is unacceptable. This is a boundary that Mormons must not cross! It is up to the parents to protect their children from cults and other scams.

I think the only way to "undo" a blessing or baptism, is to have the child baptized into another church that does this. I had my children baptized Lutheran.

Mormons are huge liars, so why can't we lie to them, to protect ourselves? Giving birth is a huge trauma (though a good trauma) on a mother, and Mormons give no respect to women. ("Heck, my great grandma had 9 children, and birthed another crossing the plains.")

1. We are in the middle of a flu epidemic! No one should be allowed to visit the baby unless they have had a flu shot--Wait--I take that back. Flu shots aren't working with this type of flu, and it kills babies. Do you need any other reason?

2. Tell the folks you had a "difficult birth". Really, is there such a thing as an "easy birth"? and the doctor says you need more time to recover. Tell them that your child needs to recover (It's rough on the baby, too.)

3. This is a time for bonding with your husband and other children, if you have others. You need to RELAX and be left in peace, to get the baby to eat properly.

4. MadAlice's idea is perfect--except, as she said, Mormons don't follow any rules! You could mail a formal announcement with a photo of the baby, the name, etc, and say, "The baby is fine, but we had decided it is best to not have any visitors for the baby's first few weeks. On May 3, we are having an open house from 2:00 -4:00 PM. at our mother's house. (Mother can kick people out when the party is over.) Please bring a casserole, a salad, and a dessert. (having to bring food deters a lot of people.)

5. Tell your doctor that you have post-partum depression, and have him write a note to show all your relatives, that you need to stabilize, before you can have visitors.

My therapist says that people who do this to you are making you their "victim." Think about it. You need to be able to be yourself, not be intimidated, not be judged, to be liked and loved unconditionally.

Sometimes I feel that Mormons think babies are just a number--another new member. At the ward Christmas party, they asked my TBM/Atheist daughter and four other TBM mothers to parade their newborn babies across the stage. My daughter refused to do it, and she didn't go to the party. She and her TBM husband haven't had their baby blessed yet....hoping they'll leave....

"1. We are in the middle of a flu epidemic! No one should be allowed to visit the baby unless they have had a flu shot--Wait--I take that back. Flu shots aren't working with this type of flu, and it kills babies. Do you need any other reason?"

Excellent point. In the past my MIL would bring over large groups (12+) of family members, multiple times within the first week, to sit and pass my newborn around. It always made me so nervous that my baby would get sick but back then I didn't know how to say no. One time we tried to tell her no and she started crying and hung up the phone on my DH. We felt bad and changed our minds. I realize now that she is extremely manipulative & passive-aggressive and we were young & easily controlled.

In addition to the flu, there's also RSV, which can also be fatal to babies. Plus whooping cough, which is on the rise. Lots of great reasons. If you MIL gets upset, turn it back on her ask ask her if she really wants to be responsible for making your child ill.

I forgot to mention this and checked to see if someone mentioned.

The flu vaccine is considered a failure this year (only offering a bout 30% protection)and we are having one of the worst flu seasons in years. The very young are the highest risk.

Do not allow your baby to be passed around this time of year. Too risky.

RMM

I teach school, and I got a case of flu last year such as I have never seen before. It happened in February through March. This was after having gotten a flu shot maybe two months earlier. The worst part of the illness was probably over two weeks, with classic flu symptoms, but it lingered for a total of about two months. My physician's opinion was that it was the flu followed by a couple of viruses. I would agree with him except for two things -- a) the illness followed a clear progression and arc, and b) a colleague on another floor had the exact same illness over the exact same time period. We compared notes with each other. As teachers we are used to getting various bugs that the kids pass around, but neither one of us had ever seen anything like it. It simply refused to resolve. My physician did not give me anything for it, figuring that it was viral. I was fine with his decision. Hers gave round after round of antibiotics to no avail.

I think it was some kind of "super flu," and I wondered if it would rear its ugly head once again this season.

DH was ill for weeks. I happened to have a routine doctor appointment the day I came down with flu. She gave me a shot and I was up and about the next day. It's necessary to get the medicine near the onset or it won't work.

I considered it, Cheryl, but by that time I was too far gone. In the beginning stages of the illness I could not get up off of the sofa for more than a few minutes at a time. Driving to the doctor's office seemed like a hill too far. It struck quickly and hard. I did see my doctor in the waning phase of the illness when it wasn't resolving.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2015 12:35PM by summer.

Dunno if there's something particularly egregious about the people in question that wasn't mentioned in the OP, but if it was me, I'd be nice and test the waters to see if it's time to rebuild a relationship with extended family.

Do not let them come under these circumstances. Period.

Your TBM inlaws have shunned you and now want back like nothing happened because they want to see the baby. They are disingenuous and your child should never be exposed to that. That child is your top priority, not your relatives feelings.

The correct thing for your relatives to do would be to want to see you and your husband again--with or without baby. They would do this because they realize they were wrong. They would apologize.
And then, if they do that, you would build a new healthy relationship from the ground up that is NOT based on a grandchild.

They and you have a chance to start over. If they are allowed to enter like everything is business as usual, they will let everything slide back to where it was---everything centered around their church. The ball is in your court. Think carefully before lobbing it-with your brain, not your heart. We're all softies deep down.

I hope whatever you choose goes well and wish you the best.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2015 03:40PM by blueorchid.

Thanks. I like your advice. I wish that they would initiate steps to rebuilding a healthier relationship but I don't think that will ever happen. You make a good reminder about who comes, my baby, not their feelings.

You know them better than we do. If you think it's a sincere effort to reconnect, proceed with caution. If it were me in your situation I can tell you right now there's at least one sibling in my family who will never darken my doorway again. They've already proven that their church is far more valuable to them than I am. Had their second chance and blew it. Saying no is hard at first but it does get easier with time.

They have never done or said anything that would indicate they sincerely want to improve the relationship in a healthy way. They treat us like a VT or HT assignment. There is no genuine depth to any of the relationships, its extremely superficial.

That reminds me.......my daughter had a baby a few months back. She did not allow anyone to get near the baby who hadn't had a recent TDAP. The shot must be in their system for at least 6 weeks. I went and got one, needed one anyway. I was surprised at how much her inlaws wailed and moaned about it.

I'm a proponent of setting the boundaries: cannot bring up the church or anything about it. When you agree in writing, we'll accept your visits. (And yes, have all your shots!)
This is more important that you might think. The first death of an infant from whooping cough (pertessus) occurred this month in our county.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2015 04:39PM by SusieQ#1.

All good doctors would back up a plan to allow for more rest and bonding time for any new mom who feels she needs it.

Bottom line is that they have proven that the church is more important to them than you are. Tell them that and say please don't ask to come over until your priorities change.

anon4thisone Wrote:
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> We have tried to talk to them about
> the way they treat us but it doesn't help.

That's all I need to know. If they can't show you any respect at all, then they deserve none in return.

I wouldn't even answer their messages.

Congrats on the baby. :o)

Oh, and whatever you do, don't let them talk you into having the baby blessed. That will just put the child onto the records of the Church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2015 06:58PM by Greyfort.

consistently, and over a period of time, and not apologized, I think they've signed away their rights to a relationship.

The fact that they would just assume they can have access to your new baby without making things right with you just indicates how entitled they think they are.

You should protect yourself and your kids from abusive people.

Say no. Firmly. It's up to you to decide if you want to be blunt about your reasons or just say something like: "We will not be accepting visitors".

Or take greyfort's suggestion and just ignore or block them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2015 02:43AM by imaworkinonit.

Absolutely NOT. Make it clear you are not receiving visitors.

Your new baby is being USED as an opportunity to get in. If you truly do not want the relationship with them, put your mark on it now.

"Sorry, but we are not interested in visitors". Do not include words like "right now" or "maybe later".

Frankly, I would be pissed if anyone let me know they wanted to come over and meet my child after how they treated me. If there is no healthy relationship with me, you will not be having a relationship with my child. Period.

Enjoy and protect your time and family!

Define 'expecting'.

thank you.

Thank you for this post - I was about to ask the same. We are expecting too and have to deal with TBM relativs. Great advice are given here thanks a lot. :)

I see we have a similar situation but I am sure we can deal it :) All the best for you and your lil one :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2015 11:22AM by newnameabigail.

Their goal is to get the kid raised mormon... Because it's the right thing to do. What can't they do in pursuit of this most worthy goal? A goal to which You and DH are obstacles.

Everything they'll want to do (especially the Grands) is a step towards their goal.

If you keep this in mind, and arm your child to understand them and their lunacy, why not take all they offer? Because every day they're in your camp, plotting treachery, you can be doing the same. They are giving you back access to the TBMs they control and that could backfire on them.

You're wiser than them all, because you have use of your brain.

Live life, take (sensible) chances, have fun!

While it's true that people may undergo a change of heart, in this case my instinct tells me that they are going after your child(ren,) having considered you a lost cause.

I just thought to add:

to the ridiculously persistant among them, perhaps dad could eventually text a pic of the newborn with a note explaining that the family is not accepting visitors. Dad could just keep resending the same text or email if they keep it up.

Should anyone persist in calling or knocking without invitation, there's no need to answer, at all: Mom and baby are resting and dad is taking care of the family, of course.

Personally, given the scenario as explained, i think I'd ignore them as long as possible and save the repeated text for only the most persistant, should there be any.

If possible, I'd keep mom away from them altogether. A new mom really shouldn't waste energy on nonsense.

(Congrats and all the best for your family!)