Mormon Church Bans Marriage In Temples and Churches

SALT LAKE CITY--Due to upcoming changes in temple marriage procedures thousands of Mormon couples are fighting for December wedding time slots in temples throughout the United States.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) has announced that its temples - where adherents deemed worthy are married - will no longer be conducting marriages starting January 1, 2015. Local church buildings - called chapels - will also be off limits for weddings, and LDS leaders will no longer have legal authority to perform marriages.

The decision of the LDS church to ban marriages in all its buildings comes on the heels of the recent legalization of gay marriage in dozens of States. LDS church members and leaders have been strong opponents of gay marriage, donating tens of millions of dollars in cash and countless volunteer hours to fight political battles over gay marriage in the last decade.

The result of this ideological battle is that Mormons living in the United States will now have to accept traditional weddings.
Some people aren’t happy about the prospect of getting married in traditional ceremonies.

“We’re busting our tails so we can get married in the temple before January,” said Rhonda Young, a 20 year old theater arts student at Brigham Young University. Young hopes to beat the clock and avoid having to get married like non-LDS people.

“It would kill me if I had to get married in some protestant church, conducted by a minister,” said Young. “I mean, anyone in my family could come to a wedding like that. Like my dad, who doesn’t pay tithing, and my sister who drinks coffee.”

Young’s fiance Robert Q. Cannon, a 28 year old art education major, said, “I can’t allow my marriage to be tarnished by the presence of Rhonda’s unworthy family.”

Young and Cannon plan to marry in late December in the Mt. Timpanogos, Utah temple.

“This is just a nightmare,” said Carl Blackbrick, LDS Bishop of a Lehi Utah congregation. “Because of the gays, my children will have to get married like everyone else - Maids of honor, best man, flower girl, ring bearer - And who’s supposed to pay for all this? Worst of all, unworthy family members would want to be there. Oh, my heck, I’d rather my kids just elope.”

Blackbrick described the Mormon temple wedding. The select group of righteous adult Mormons quietly walks in, sits down and listens to the short ceremony, “then we just get up and leave,” he said. “That’s God’s way.”

The temple marriage service is free, as long as the faithful members promise to give their selves, time, talents and everything they now own or will ever own to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Blackbrick said until the church decides to cash in on that pledge, it’s currently willing to consider people “temple-worthy” for a modest 10% of their income.

For the LDS faithful, the new policy is a sad reminder that the world is getting more and more evil. “It’s terrible. The gays have taken away my right to exclude unrighteous family members from my wedding,” said Rhonda Young. “Now I have to tell my dad and sister I don’t want them to come because they’re unworthy, but I no longer have the temple to back me up on that. That’s going to be really hard.”

They can't win this one

Alice, a 13 year old "beehive" (named after the house that was built for Brigham Young's wives), said "Ideally I would marry Thomas Monson on my 14th birthday. Instead I have to decide when I get married, and less importantly which recently returned missionary I get married to. With the new revelation I also have to decide on almost every detail of my wedding ceremony, from which non-strangers to invite, to the color of baker's hat that I wear. My mom says I shouldn't go to university because with all of the decision making I have to do I could end up having an independent thought, which is the fastest way to the second or third best levels of heaven."

Susan, a 25 year old mother of 5 said "I am so thankful that I was able to get married in the temple before the change. So many of my non-member friends looked like they enjoyed planning their wedding, having their entire family attend and having the ceremony go exactly as planned, and sure, it looked like everyone who attended their weddings thoroughly enjoyed the ceremony. Deep down though, I know that had they been worthy they would have preferred to get married in the temple like I did. I would not change a single thing about my wedding. If you will excuse me, I need to pray and read the scriptures right now."

Members of the one true church are reminded that the policy change was by revelation and anyone who doesn't keep their doubts to themselves will be excommunicated.

No, that's not dumb, it's really good satire. Some of the details are quite clever and funny.