For those that aren't aware, I'm transgender, gay, & asexual. I am not out to my parents. I'm only out to 1 person (nevermo) in my regular life.

I know if my parents found out, especially my TBM mother, they would completely reject me. They already hate me, & think I'm a failure.

How did your parents react when you came out to them, or if they found out by accident? Do they still don't know?

Mine found out by accident. My mission President outed me to them over the phone.

When I got home (a few days after) my parents and Aunts and sisters were at the airport waiting for me.

I got off the escalator and my Mother ran to me, crying, hugging me.

No one said a word about my sexuality, they were just happy I made it home safe.

Since then they have totally accepted me. I even introduced them to a guy I had been dating a bit and they did a marvelous job interacting with him.

There's been a couple bumps and some long conversations, but we understand each other much more now. Ive had to stand my own ground a bit, but that's to be expected.

My mission president was an idiot and a fool (still is) but I am much closer with my family since "coming out".

Honestly, coming out as a nonbeliever has been much more tricky.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2014 06:55PM by nonsequiter.

I'm not part of the LGBT community, but do you mind if I ask a question?
I thought being gay meant you are a man who is sexually attracted to other men, and being asexual meant you have no sexual attraction to any gender.
So how can you be both?

You can be an asexual (having no or minute interest in sex) but still desire the companionship and romance another may provide.

Or possibly a demisexual, having very little to no interest in sex until a heavy emotional bond has been formed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2014 07:03PM by nonsequiter.

Even asexuals have sex all the time for a million different reasons. Even with each other.

These distinctions are getting a little nit picky...but demise dual describes me to a T. they way we talk about sex here, one would think one has to be aroused constantly to consider one's self normal. Thanks!

"Demisexual"

What is normal anyway?

There's all sorts of ways to describe sexuality.

There is also a Sapiosexual, one who is attracted to intelligence over other attributes.

The important thing to remember is that these are simply words. In reality a word is a poor thing to identify by, because although two people may consider themselves "asexual" they may be very different from one another.

Sometimes it's helpful to have a label and makes it easier to explain why a person is the way he/she/ze is. :)

I'm interested & attracted to men on an aesthetic, personal, & romantic level. I use the term gay because I hate saying homo-romantic. It's like saying "same-sex attraction", IMHO.

I told my parents at 37. My mom basically told me that after she had to carry me for 9 months inside her, including my being a pain in her back, she still loved me. It took me a while to find out how my dad felt. It turns out that someone at work had told a homophobic joke and my dad, who was the CFO of the company, laid into him, informing him he had a gay child. Shut the idiot up.

I told my parents when I was twenty three. I didn't plan to do it, but one day I just could not pretend anymore about the church or being gay and told my Dad the bishop both things at once in an emotional outburst. He saw a lot of my pain that day which I am glad of.

They always loved me, but basically always believed the Mormon line that I was weak and gave into sin. So even though I was always loved and welcome, it always seemed like half a relationship at best with my half being mostly quiet.

It's really hard to know for sure how anyone will react, so I wouldn't do it unless you are truly prepared for the worst.

I came out a few months after our family left. I say "left," but some had yet to really let go of the Mormon state of mind.

I was 15 and had a helpless crush on a girl from school with perfect handwriting and skin the color of moonlight. I couldn't deny it to myself any longer, and it weighed on my mind all the time, making me bitter and paranoid around my family. I felt I couldn't talk to them until they did.

I tested the waters, making jokes about how I would marry Sara Lee (as in the baking company) and make a lot of money. I mentioned how so-and-so seemed attractive and pranced around the house singing a song I had learned years ago, "Get along home, Cindy, Cindy, I'll marry you some day." I hoped for a reaction so I could know whether it was safe to come out just yet or not.

Finally my mother realized what was up. It was after dinner; I was sitting at the table scraping spaghetti sauce off my plate. "Why do you keep talking about marrying women?" she demanded. "Are you trying to tell us something?"

I panicked. "Um, not really..."

"Are you trying to say that you think you're homosexual?"

She hadn't even heard of bisexuality and I had to explain everything to her. The whole time she nodded, a brokenhearted look in her eyes, then finally said that if I ended up with another woman, she would be sad.

My father took the news better, but my relationship with my mother slowly eroded. I felt like something had been broken between us, that I couldn't tell her anything. She would, on occasion, lecture me about how I was too young, too confused, that since I had never had friends I couldn't distinguish between friendship and attraction.

One sibling and my father know and accept me. My mother still tenses up whenever anything LGBT is mentioned. My other brother doesn't know, because he'd just go running to her and she'd tell him not to listen to me.

Coming out to your parents, especially if you are financially dependent on them, is dangerous. Some people have been kicked out of the house for it. On the other hand, homophobes often change their points of view after their loved ones come out. If you are not financially independent, then wait; if you are an adult, then go for it, because you'll never know what will happen until you come out.

Yes... I would wait until you're more independent... From what I can see, there is already a lot of crap between you and your family. Then again, there's so much crap between you and your parents.... what's another?...ha


I wrote a letter to my parents after my mission, I came out as lesbian. But then went on to assure them that despite this, I knew the church was true, and would never "live that life." My mom got the letter.... apparently, she already had her suspicions, but she kept the letter from my dad.... and basically briefly acknowledged it, then never spoke of it again... I admit that hurt....

I ended up getting married in the temple..... not a great marriage.... and now she knows that I no longer believe in the church.... I think she's hoping my marriage will keep.... but it isn't and I don't think my family will deal with my being gay well at all..... But I'm stronger now.. and I don't care.

Not out. I couldn't handle the drama.

I'm pretty much happy not having other people around. My olds think I'm just a loner.

Don't worry, I'm definitely not coming out to those fools who think they're my parents. Never, in fact! I think they do not deserve or have the right to know!

As far as myself, all I'm doing is trying to understand & accept who I am inside. I just wanted to get stories from others because I'm processing how the cult fucked me over regarding my gender identity & sexual orientation.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2014 12:55AM by Tristan.

I left coming out til I moved from their home and was financially independent with a house and career. That sounds a bit hard headed, but the advice from their LDS friends would have beeen to cut me off and impose conditions and then I would repent. Patriarchal control is written large in mormon dna. When they realised their conditions would not scare me and they really wouldn't see me again, we entered an uneasy stand off - and that suits all of us. If I had done it whilst living at home, being thrown out probably would have left too much scorched earth.

This way has been calmer. They brought me up. I don't have rickets and had a lot of love growing up. I'm part of family life, but at a distance.

Funnily enough, I'm more afraid of coming out as an atheist - that would be drama.

Coming out wasn't my choice, I was outed when I was a student at BYU. My roommates found a copy of a local gay newspaper in my room and turned me in to the standards office. They also said that I'd tried to seduce them all, because I'm that irresistible. The wee grain of truth to that was that, as the oldest girl in the apartment at 21, they called me Mom. So one night I went around and tucked them all in bed and kissed them on their foreheads. Sexy. So that was how I came out to my parents. They were very upset. My very emotionally restrained father wept on my shoulder. Then they forgot everything they ever knew about me (maybe they never knew me at all? there were so many of us after all) and fixated on the stereotypes they knew about gay people, assuming that was who I was now. They weren't evil about it. They didn't disinherit me or anything, but it's always been more than clear how disappointed they are in me. How strident they are about it has lessened in direct proportion to the tone the church itself sets. Still homophobic, but in a polite way. So that is the kind of relationship we have - polite. Not close. I kind of dread visits home because at some point the big family group will have some "intellectual" discussion about how and why gay people are wrong, with me sitting right there. Or someone will take advantage of a "teaching moment" to explain to me that their relationship is unfulfilling, what makes me think I should have an emotional connection with someone of the same sex when they don't have an emotional connection with their spouse? Which is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin. Don't get me wrong, I love them all, they're all brilliant and wonderful in various ways, but its sucky being the (nearly celibate oh so boring how much more interesting it would be if it were true) family pervert. Oh and add to that a closeted brother who everyone knows is gay, but still won't come out after all this time. So because he lies about everything, they I assume I do too. So I get them screwing up their faces trying to figure out what I "really" mean when I use words like "friend". I don't do euphemisms.

I was very, very lucky. I didn't come out until I had a career and was living on my own. My family is very TBM. Dad was bishop, high councilor, stake presidency, sealer in the Nauvoo temple, stake patriarch. He and Mom worked in the temple for years after they retired. But my Dad was a very unusual Mormon. His family was far and away the biggest priority in his life, with Mormonism running a distant second. He never, ever judged me for being gay.

Mom had a bit of a harder time dealing with it, but I don't think it had much to do with religion. She grew up on a farm in rural Utah during the depression. I think life around her has changed at a rate slightly faster than her ability to keep up. She never, ever rejected me or tried to change me, but I knew she was having difficulties with it all.

After I graduated from BYU I went into a severe depression with suicide attempts, hospitalizations, etc. I was trying to deal with being gay and being Mormon. Once I came out as gay I was finally happy and healthy again. So when I came out as gay I think they realized they'd rather have a happy, gay living child than a dead good LDS child.

The rest of my family is still TBM. But I have a great relationship with my entire family. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and my husband is considered another member of the family, just like my brother's wife. It hasn't always been easy. There have been bumps along the way, and we've all had to have some difficult conversations. But isn't that the same with every family.

Like I said, I'm very, very lucky. With my family, love is far more important than religious dogma.

The advice I've always given is that your relationship with your parents will be about the same as it is now, only more open. Once the dust settles and they've gotten used to your revelation, you will have the same relationship. If you have a hard time with them, then you will continue to have a hard time with them. If you get along and have an open relationship, it will be similar.

Don't confuse their initial reaction for their long-term steady state. It could take weeks or months for them to get used to it. How long did it take for you to get used to it and accept it? Give them the same luxury of time that you gave yourself.

The horror stories you hear about children being shunned and rejected typically come from people who have authoritarian parents to begin with. You know your parents better than anyone. How do you relate to them now? It will be about the same a couple of years from now.