Posted by:
farside
(
)
Date: October 23, 2014 11:47PM
Well…I screwed up bigtime, and I got busted. My philandering finally caught up to me. Thought I could get away with it, but I guess I strayed once too often. So my wife filed for divorce. The judge ordered a reconciliation meeting to see if there was any way to save the marriage.
I’m no idiot. I had just read an essay and it gave me some ideas. I hired the best PR guy in the State (Arthur Dewey from the firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe) to attend the meeting with me, and see if he could get my wife to be reasonable about things. Here is the transcript from that meeting:
Wife: Who’s this guy?
Me: This is my advisor, Arthur Dewey.
Wife: Why do you need an advisor?
Me: The judge didn’t say I couldn’t have an advisor. I’ll have one if I want to.
Wife: Ok…whatever.
Mr. Dewey: Ma’am, your husband loves you very much. He wants nothing more than a return to the loving relationship you previously enjoyed.
Wife: My husband stumbled home drunk and there were lipstick stains on his shirt.
Mr. Dewey: There are several possible explanations for this…
Wife: The lipstick wasn’t my shade of lipstick…and I found condoms in his wallet. We don’t use condoms!
Mr. Dewey: Were the condoms unopened?
Wife: What?
Mr. Dewey: Did you find empty condom wrappers or did you find unopened condom packages?
Wife: They were unopened.
Mr. Dewey: The nature of the unopened condom packets suggests that the relationship between your husband and the condoms did not involve sexual relations.
Wife: I found panties under his car seat.
Mr. Dewey: Little is known about those panties…
Wife: They’re not my panties! But it’s irrelevant because he confessed that he had been unfaithful to me.
Mr. Dewey: Later reminiscences are not always reliable.
Wife: I looked up our credit card records. I found that he paid for a hotel room last Wednesday, when he told me he had to work late.
Mr. Dewey: Few records of the time provide details. Many details about why he was at that hotel room are unknown.
Wife: I called that hotel and spoke to the desk clerk on duty that night. He told me my husband checked in with a woman that is a known prostitute.
Mr. Dewey: He pledged to keep their involvement confidential, nevertheless, rumors spread. You don’t know that these women were prostitutes.
Wife: Women? You mean there was more than one?
Mr. Dewey: The exact number of women is unknown because the evidence is fragmentary.
Wife: I know he was screwing those whores!
Mr. Dewey: Neither these women nor your husband explained much about these relationships. The precise nature of these relationships is not known.
Wife: I know he slept with them.
Mr. Dewey: There might have been the possibility of sexual relations.
Wife: He forgot to log out of his email and I searched it. He had two messages from his secretary. The first message said that she was worried that he knocked her up. The second message was her expressing relief that it was a false alarm.
Mr. Dewey: Information about any affair your husband may have had with his secretary are virtually absent from the documentary record. Many aspects of their story remain known only to the two of them.
Wife: What about all those other women?
Mr. Dewey: Other women left no records, making it unknown what their relationships were.
Wife: This is BS. Complete nonsense. I don’t care what you say. It’s just wrong and inappropriate.
Mr. Dewey: Inappropriate by today’s standards, but legal.
Wife: I don’t think we have anything left to discuss.
Me: But, honey, I love you. I didn’t want to do it…
Wife: Get out.
Me: But listen, there was this angel and…
Wife: Get OUT!
Me: He had a really big sword. It was on fire…
Wife: GET OUT!!!