First off, let me say I have no plans to go around destroying Mormon women's self-esteem. They have the church for that. But the other day, a Mormon woman made a snarky, childish comment to me (nothing to do with Mormonism) and I looked at her like "I'm so embarrassed for you - I can't believe you said that." But I didn't SAY anything. I'm too nice sometimes. However it got me thinking - what do Mormon women aspire to be and, if I had thought of a snappy comeback, what would have bugged them the most? What do Mormon women take pains to distance their image from? For example, if I had said

- You are very loud
- That isn't very Christlike
- You aren't like other Mormon women I know
- You aren't setting a very good example

So basically, just to be clear, I'm really more interested in what qualities Mormon women aspire to that regular human women aren't as interested in. Nobody wants to be called fat or sloppy or lazy but Mormons have weird aspirations outside of mainstream culture that they want to be admired for. Actually, this isn't very clear - haven't had my coffee yet - but hopefully you understand my point.

If I wanted to really get into a relief society type's head I would make a passive aggressive comment like, "I love that you'll just wear anything..."

That reminded me of the time a primary president said "You really don't care what people think, do you? No, that's a good thing. Really. I should worry less." She was a big time Barbie doll and she was reacting to the comment I made about how I'd love one of those big, log-cabin type homes with a high roof and I'd put a buffalo skin on the wall. I honestly didn't think it was that weird. Maybe if the buffalo skin had Jesus or the temple painted on it she wouldn't have commented.

Someone has actually said that to me in church.

"That's not very Christlike. Is that what your church teaches?"

Love it. Because it's so true - they hate the idea they might be an embarrassment to their religion.

Yes, AND that they're not being Christ like. Double whammy.

Not to mention that it's pretty easy to confuse Mormons when you tell them they aren't being Christ-like because they are so sure they are the only ones on earth who are following Christ. They haven't usually read a lot about what being Christ-like entails - just do what they see other Mormons doing and call it good.

I don't do this, but I know when you want to insult a woman nowadays, calling her the B word or the C word might make her mad, but if you really want to insult her just call her "little lady."

If I really wanted to insult her I would say I would say "Why don't you just go home and bake some cookies little lady?"

You will see smoke coming out their eyes. It probably doesn't work as well coming from another woman.

If it were a Mormon woman deserving of a put down I would just say, "Oh put the veil back over your face and go say yes to your husband--and any other priesthood holder around. Have nice day little lady."

I remember Relief Society as "Battlestar Sistactia" because it was such a competitive environment. Sisters compete, but through others. Hence, chronic depression is so predominant.

For instance, a sister can make a denigrating comment about another sister's husband. The sisters rank themselves on a sliding scale according to her husband's standing in the Church: stake leadership, ward leadership, high priest, elder, prospective elder, less active, non-member, unmarried, divorced. The wildcards would be widows: if a widow is too young (under ~40?), then she falls to equivalent to unmarried; but if a widow is middle aged (~50+?), then she adopts the highest priesthood office held by her former husband (eternal companion?).

This is really frightening if it is basically true, and I do believe you that it is. When are Mormon women going to claim themselves?

Which means, that to use subservience as a slur would come off as a compliment.

I think pity is the worst insult if you can get it across.

That's really funny and pretty much on the mark.

The OP asked what mormon women strive for. They strive to be bishops' wives and at the top of the caste system. Very few strive to have any non-church accomplishments.

A number of years back, my youngest brother was made a bishop in California. Basically he was the last person standing who had all the qualifications-- a job, a stay-at-home-wife, at least 4 kids and who hadn't been it yet. They had 2 wards in an area that could barely support 1 and a real leadership vacuum.

My sibling who thought it was as funny as I did, kept going on and on that if she and her hubby lived in that town, her husband would have been bishop a long time ago. It just killed her that my SIL was going to be a bishop's wife and she hadn't been one yet. And she was right. Her husband probably would have been called before my brother because he was older.

However, they didn't live in that little hick town, they live in Sandy, UT. There are plenty of people to call as bishop. They usually try not to get down to the middle of the sliding scale you talk about, i.e. guys who are obese, loud, obnoxious, uneducated and have the ward busy body for a wife. Doesn't really matter who has the nicest house or who makes the most money. The women understand how the rankings work and the women are ranked by the church position held by their husband.

My ex-wife could get into some battle royale diva fights with other sisters in some wards we attended.

An Ensign article instigated one clash. The article was about how a sister was denigrated by other sisters in Relief Society. Her "sins" were her husband was less active and often unemployed and her children always wore the same outfits to Church. (Oh, the embarrassment ...) The theme of the article was this family had some spiritual values while the sisters abusing her were not so spiritual.

My wife was remarking on the article. Another sister chimes in, "When I read the article I instantly thought of Sister Idleswell." My wife fumed for weeks.

You are a one cow wife

You are 7th wife material

They sell garments in your size?

You don't seem happy, you must be out of oxy?

Be glad your husband is irrevocably sealed to you, otherwise he'd leave you.

Polygamy was invented so women that look like you could get married.

Dying laughing here at above comments by sb! OMH!!!! You are funny!

If you are not doing stand up comedy, sb, you are in the wrong job!

And by the way, just in case you didn't know, great humor is a sign of great intelligence!!! You made my day!

"Wow. You may not know it, but that sort of comment just isn't cool after about the 8th grade."

or

"Get over your queen bee syndrome."

or

"Most people grow out of that, honey."

"Sister, before we speak together will you please veil your face in the True Order of Conversation?"

You're not exactly celestial kingdom material.

If you were more righteous, you would have had more children.

You do EVERYTHING you're told!? When do you get to be you?

Why do you always look and sound so unhappy?

That one is just the perfect amount of passive-aggressive. Or just a "what's wrong? why so unhappy today?" could suffice.

I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm just not feeling the spirit with you. Perhaps you need to meet with your bishop.

"Did you think of that all by yourself?"

You are Sweet Spirt

Whatever it is, it has to be passive aggressive. If it's downright mean, she'll dismiss the comment and think herself superior to you because she's not so mean (they don't see their passive aggressive comments as mean).

"Uh oh, looks like someone missed her scripture study this morning."

or

"Oh dear. That doesn't sound like something you'd normally say. If you're feeling out of sorts, maybe you could use a visit to the temple."

I hope you enjoy your afterlife sister wives as much as your husband will.

LOL. Definitely the perfect comeback.

I would say what I say all the time, as I run into many in my work and social life, and although I am honestly not wanting to offend them, it seems to do just that. So, yeah, I guess it offends.

I ask, "Would you really want to know if the Mormon church was NOT true?"

And here is what I get: silence or a stunned stare or "not really", or "That's not possible because I have had witness borne to me that it is God's one and only true church on earth."

I have asked this questions more times than you can imagine and NEVER ONCE have I gotten the answer "YES". Still trying!

I would say your garments are poking out, you may want to consider washing them once in a while.

Southern women insult better than anyone on the planet.

They do not call people "little lady" or "sweetheart" or "honey." They think those are endearments and when used in an insult show the user is emotionally out of control. They also wouldn't even think of calling someone a b!tch. And the insult can be considered compliment depending on the way the receiver interprets it. It's only later the true meaning becomes obvious. What you want to go with is a passive-aggressive veiled insult that sounds like a compliment.

The way you hit a woman where she lives is to say these types of things.

You always look so good in that.
That sweater is...interesting.
Bless your heart.
You're getting so much better at that.
I love the way you don't worry about anything you say.
You need to treat yourself to a makeover. You've earned it.

^^^Co=signed ^^^

Maybe a sweet answer to express shock, for contrast ? Like Shirley Temples famous quote: "Oh My Goodness!"

A Southern woman was in NYC with her husband's business conference. The company set up a luncheon while the guys were in meetings. She was seated at a table with a rich woman from California & a rich woman from New York. The woman from CA started bragging about her husband. She said that she couldn't decide between buying a Mercedes or a Porsche and her husband bought her one of each, she gushed. The Southern gal replied "How Nice". The New York girl said "That's nothing, my husband just bought me a new home in the Hamptons. It cost 17 million". The Southern gal replied "How nice". The other women asked her what her husband has done for her. She said that she had grown up in the country & never had much of an upbringing. Her husband sent her away to Finishing School for two years. The other woman asked "Well how did that turn out"? She replied "Well I used to say "Fuck You" a lot, but now I just say "How Nice".

I remember thinking like you

For a second I thought you wrote "I think I remember liking you!"

Yeah the "that isn't very Christlike" or "not a good example" is a real humbler for them. I once used a similar response at a fireworks show. I had my (then) small kids, we had staked out a spot so the kids could see. A guy in a BYU shirt proceeded to sit right in front of them. I asked if he wouldn't mind making some room so they could see and he got angry and cussed at me. At this point I could have beat his ass, but instead I said, "well, I see they taught you how to be a fine human being at BYU. Very Christlike." This stopped him cold and he did let them see.

To his credit though, he did come up before we left and apologized. And my wife was glad I did not start an incident :-)

I guest this works coming from either a man or a women.

"We'll have room in our celestial planet building team, want to apply?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 03:48PM by fudley.

Your voice is so memorable, and it's so easy to hear you over the crowd!

"Those garments make your butt look HUGE!"

When are you due? Pregnant again?

Did you think to pray?

I went to work for a couple of hours and come back to absolutely brilliant, ROFL answers. You guys are the best. I'm printing this out for the permanent file.

I like the "examine your conscience" approach.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said, would you mind repeating it?"

"I have to think about what you just said to me."

"I'm sure you didn't mean that the way it sounded."

There is no good response to any of those, and it gives the other person pause.

"Why the hell are you still a Mormon woman?"

I second "aren't you a sweet spirit..."

"I am taking the missionary discussions because I wanted to be a part of a loving and caring church. But after what you just said to me I'm not very impressed with Mormons anymore. If this is how Mormons really act then I'm never joining the Mormon church. I'm calling the missionaries right now to call the whole thing off."

Then pretend to call someone and walk away.

I would only say something in response to something mean or condescending and then I would say this.

You know I'm sure I heard the missionaries say that the church rejected Satan's plan.

My mistake. I'll have to listen better next time

This particular insult is gender neutral:

If you were twice as smart as you are, you would be a wit.


(think about it)

Tell her she is a bad mother, that she drags her kids to church thinking she is doing good, but is doing her children irreparable psychological harm,

I know you know the truth . . . I'm a model, super-fit, rich, tall, dark & handsome . . . I'm here to "Hasten Your Salivation."

Stage whisper: "I think she's drunk..."

Wanna skip church?