This is definitely off topic, but I need to off load and I do have some affinity with you guys and gals, even though I've never met you.

Bit of background - army veteran, special forces. Got to do a lot of nasty stuff in green ops (conventional warfare) and black ops (government denying any knowledge or culpability) - first combat tour and first kill was when I was aged 17 years. I was BIC with nutty parents, but always saw TSCC for the utter b*****t it represented and formally resigned quite a few years ago.

Had a big social event last week, with my girl's very well to do family - christening (my girl's sister's baby) at a catholic church - which went well until the reception. That is, until I completely f****d everything up. I completely freaked out; my girl thought I was having a heart attack as I was all pale and sweaty. I felt naked 'cos I wasn't armed and I hadn't got my buddies covering my back. I felt under imminent threat and couldn't shake that thought.

Now my girl thinks I'm a complete idiot and will hardly speak to me and her sister has ignored me completely, despite my attempts at apology.

It was stupid politicians who sent me to fight, where I almost ended up a forgettable statistic on many occasions, but where are they when I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered mind?

The ridiculous gaudy medallions they pinned to my chest as a consolation are just a mockery and pathetic insult.

Nobody understands. Nobody can understand. Most of my boys are dead due to combat or suicide.

Just venting. No response expected, especially as this post is long and boring.

I wish I knew what to say - I'm so sorry.

Has to be anon. Sorry Wrote:
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> Just venting. No response expected, especially as
> this post is long and boring.

Are you in the habit of lying?

It is neither long nor boring and I find it strange that you would say that it is. It sounds like a plea for help. Maybe you need some professional help more than help from this board. There is a number to call posted on this board if you need it.

Thank you. You need to learn what your triggers are (no pun intended). I imagine that you are being treated for PTSD? I can only imagine how debilitating that can be.

A few years ago I went to the funeral of a friend who died in Iraq. As they pinned tin medals to his 7 year old, I changed the way I feel about the military.

Now to the unpleasant part of my response.

I feel appreciation and patriotism for our troops, but when it gets mingled with unnecessary wars and endless suffering it makes me wish people would not join out of patriotism but realize that it is a job and that you will likely be injured (physically, mentally or otherwise).

One of my clients is a large military hospital in Texas. I hate going there. I have to wait 20-30 minutes in the lobby filled with 20-60 amputees. I hate is because of the unnecessary suffering and delayed and second class care they receive. I hate that we are over there building hospitals for these people why our boys are stuck in horrible second class hospitals. We as a country are guilty of letting our military down. I feel ashamed every time I go there.

I would never want my kids to join the military. America is a business and dying to make a political point or to control another country is ridiculous, wasteful and makes us less as a country and as a people. If we were ever attacked, I would be the first to join, but I would never sign up to fight political wars abroad.

You have to watch out for yourself now. Use the skills and talents you got walk away from it all and redefine your life. As with Mormonism, there will be a time when you no longer need to talk about the military and what they did. I hope you get there. use all your benefits to get better and your time to love your family and to explain to your girl that you are sick. Best of luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 12:06PM by sb.

Elder Berry,

Of course I'm used to lying. I've been doing that for 15 yrs since I finished my time. Lying about who I am, what I did...lying in my relationships to cover my past. Lying to myself.

Like I said, this is just a vent. Getting stuff off my chest - probably a lot healthier than getting off my face on booze. This old soldier is going to be around for a long time!

SB,

War has no winners, just losers. I've never used the veterans benefits I'm entitled to - why should I benefit from the misery, pain and misfortune that I have helped inflict on others?

I would say because America is a business. You don't see many presidents with combat experience or senators with kids in danger zones.

It is a business, get paid.

I hope you can see how I was worried. Good luck in this fight.

OP, if you're being completely honest in this post, I encourage you to use the VA Hospital and let it become a second home to you. Someone else here said that the Texas VA hospital is awful but I can't vouch for that, as all I know is the Washington DC VA Medical Center which is STATE OF THE ART and the staff has been trained to treat every patient like royalty.

First, thank you for your service (veteran here).

Secondly, if you already have VA access, use it to talk to someone, be it your primary care physician or someone your physician recommends. Take care of yourself. That, above all else, is what's important.

And as far as feeling bad about using the VA, DON'T! This is how this country is supposed to help you after you helped this country.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 12:35PM by michael.

When you pay a landscaper to cut your lawn, do you feel bad when he is doing it and you are not?

When a store says the product they sell has a warranty, and it's broken when you open the package, do you feel bad returning it?

When your waiter drops your food, do you feel bad they don't make you pay for the replacement?

There was an agreement between you and someone else in each of these situations. Each side made promises.

You made a promise to do as your superiors told you to the best of your ability. We (as a nation) promised to help take care of you later. You kept up your end of the bargain (else you would have a dishonorable discharge and be inelegible for VA services). Why shouldn't you expect us to keep up our end?

Thank you for your service. Get some help for your PTSD please.

I agree as a tax payer we owe you the benefits you have earned serving this country.

Please get help for you PTSD. You are more worthy of my tax dollars than a lot of others living off them.

My respects and sorrow for you.

We have loved ones who have served who are affected too.

We wish our government would stand by our servicemen and their families with better quality health care!

Thinking of you today

You had a panic attack, it can mimic a heart attack.

No, you are not crazy. You were simply put in some very stressful situations.

Talk to a mental health professional for a while and get a prescription for Prozac and Serax.

You stepped up and accepted your call to duty for this country.

You have killed for your country.

No one who hasn't been there will never really understand or fully realize what you have done or what you live with.

All the politicians and back-slappers can do is give you is an empty hollow meaningless thank you.

You deserve to take advantage of whatever Government help you can get. It is no secret that the Government help is pathetic for our veterans, but get what you can. You and the other soldiers are exactly where I want my taxes to go.

My father was in the Second World War and for years my mother had to wake him by calling from across the room because he woke up fighting. Your reaction is normal under the circumstances, but you may be more sensitive than most.

Thank your for your service. I wish you recovery.

PTSD. Your girlfriend has probably heard of it, but the reality of it may have been difficult for her and her family to handle. Get help. Use the benefits to which you are entitled. And thank you for your service.

A thousand, thousand times I am sorry for what you've endured, and what you continue to endure.

Any woman who would know and understand what you've gone through and then "be mad" at you for the onset of a panic attack does not deserve you. You deserve every happiness, and a boat load of understanding.

I wish words and wishes could repair what has hurt you. If they could, I am sure the depth of what I've heard here today would go a long way toward your healing. I wish you could feel how I feel about this post. I've had panic attacks over much less stressful things than the horrors you've seen, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain.

I wish with my whole heart for your health, healing, and happiness. Cyberhugs. ((((((hugs)))))))

Locate a psychologist or other psychotherapist who has been trained in Prolonged Exposure Therapy by the Center for Deployment Psychology. Their website is www.deploymentpsych.org

You seem to have experienced an automatic Physiological reaction triggered by the similarities of the reception to some aspects of the many traumas you have experienced. These might include sounds, being crowded, being in the middle and not with your back to the wall, etc. You may already avoid situations like this without realizing it or maybe you are aware and tried to be sociable for your girlfriend's sake and forced yourself to go with her.

Believe it or not, your reaction was your brain operating just like it is supposed to, with a strong flight or fight or freeze response to protect you against what your emotional memory perceived as life threatening. Small comfort, right?

Prolonged Exposure Therapy is designed to allow you recall the trauma without the physiological awfulness and also to allow you to stop avoiding objectively safe situations like the reception. It has been shown to be very effective for warriors. Your local VA hospital probably has some trained practitioners, but there are those who are in regular private practice who do this too.

Your girlfriend and her sister appear to not understand much about the aftereffects of trauma. Along the way in your treatment perhaps you can educate them and they can stop blaming you for so-called bad behavior.