My wife and I have recently had the shelf break and are ready to move on with our life, including by leaving the Church. We are genuinely worried, though, about the impact our decision will have (at least in the near term) on our children if we stop cold-turkey. We have 3 kids ranging from recently baptized to nursery, so their entire friendship circle and social life revolves around church/primary/cub scouts. We have also been a TBM family to a T (RM, BYU, sealed, pioneer ancestry, leadership callings). So this decision is going to be hard on them. The Church/Gospel is all they know.

We're trying to figure out how we can soften the blow. Here's what we're planning, but we're genuinely interested in hearing from others who have had a similar situation and what they are glad they did/regretted/wished they did. Our current thinking is that we'll inform the bishopric that we're done but will phase out our attendence over a month or two while our kids have time to deal with it and process (we will have an honest conversation with our two older kids up front about why this is happening). We enjoy our friendships with some members and hope to preserve them so will continue playdates and such, as well as probably continuing to send our buys to cub scouts even though we will no longer be practicing (we appreciate the values of scouting and since they have friends in the Church, sending them their rather than a neighborhood non-denominational troop makes sense).

We feel like this will be beneficial, though part of us worries whether the 2-month phase out and continued attendance at cub scouts will inadvertenly signal that we aren't really out of the church entirely but actually only "have one foot out," so to speak, resulting in becoming the perpetual "project" (though DW and I plan to explain to bishopric in no uncertain terms why we do not want any official church visits of any kind, bishopric, HP Group leader, elders, HT, etc).

Thoughts? Comments? This has been the single hardest aspect of our decision to leave and we want to do it in the best way possible for the kids, who we expect will take it pretty hard. Sorry this is longer than I intended!

Just realized it's probably worth pointing out, in case it affects anyone's thoughts or advice, that we do NOT live in Utah.

Kids everywhere else change churches or don't go at all. I can't think your kids those ages would have much trouble making friends with other nice kids in another church or in the neighborhood or school. You can help by inviting play groups or signing them up for interesting activities in the community.

Fade out first if you are going to do it, and if necessary, THEN tell the bishop. If you don't, he will eventually ask. If you tell him first, they will hound you mercilessly.

It's great you don't want to cause your kids pain, but "life is pain, princess" (apologies to the Princess Bride). Kids are remarkably tough and resilient. They can and will adjust just fine. They are still young enough that a new way of life will be easier than if they were teens. Think of this: families have moved across the country, across the ocean, across the world, for centuries. Kids survive. They often thrive.

If it was me, I would just stop going cold turkey. The kids will be confused; tell them you have changed your mind. You are the parent, and you don't need to give them long drawn-out explanations for your decisions. Age appropriate. Tell your 8-year-old that you found out the church was not what you thought. That if there is a God, that you can find him out of mormonism. And that you are going to look at other options, including spending time away from church in general (if that is what you have decided). Kids may not be sophisticated, but they aren't dumb and they will adjust just fine.

Young children are very flexible. There may be some initial unhappiness, but soon they will be on to the next new thing. Plan some fun family activities for Sundays.

I was in your boat a year ago. Shelf broke, three kids. My kids are teens, though. That was our greatest worry - how to tell them the church is not true.

We pretty quickly slowed our activity. Dh and I went and spoke to the bishop and told him we were leaving. I never attended anymore after that, but dh took the kids a few more times here and there.

I was amazed at how quickly they adjusted. They just didn't care about going to church. The lure of doing fun things with the family, or just staying home and enjoying the day, was far more attractive to them. My two oldest didn't want to go back ever. My youngest wanted to go every now and then, but has only attended about 3 times in the last year. When pressed further about why he wanted to keep going, he admitted it was because his friends were there. He otherwise thought church was boring.

It helps that we live far outside of Utah (east coast) and my kid's friends are not mormon.

I will add that our youngest still goes to Scouts. We have maintained friendships in the ward. It can be done. I would not have done anything differently. Our withdrawal from church, as far as our children are concerned, was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm more than happy to discuss it further if you have any questions.

While still in a TBM family, we moved 4 times between my ages of 6 and 10. Each time I had to make new friends, deal with new people, etc. It didn't bother me one bit. And since our first move was from Utah to California (the biggest shock, since back in Utah everybody I knew was mormon), I started to make non-member friends at school and in the neighborhood.

Kids are very flexible. They'll make new friends easily. I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much. I'd worry a LOT more about what staying in the church will do to them than I would about what leaving it would do.

Best to you.

Thanks everyone for the quick responses. I'm new to this community and it's nice to have people who have been there.

twistedsister - curious if you (our DH since he kept going a few weeks) got the really hard-sell from members while he was continuing to go to church the weeks after informing the bishop or if people kind of accepted the situation for what it was?

People accepted our withdrawal, no hard sells whatsoever. We made it completely clear to the bishop that we didn't believe and we're not coming back. We also made it clear we were not offended by anyone and that the reason we were leaving is because we did not believe the church was true. The members know us as intelligent, knowledgable, and well read. They know it wasn't a matter of us being tempted or slowly falling away. Our exit was rather abrupt. I quit immediately, dh and the children quit within a month. Previously we had been very active and involved and we both held leadership type callings. I think the fact that we quit pretty quickly helped the members see we were serious.

If anyone tried to hard sell us, I'd use that as an opportunity to explain why I don't believe. I think that would scare them off, and who knows, maybe plant some seeds of doubt.

Thanks for the response. Sounds like very similar situations, except that we just recently relocated out of state so none of the members here know us all that well. We won't have the benefit of them understand that we are intelligent, very thoughtful and circumspect people that wouldn't rush into a decision like this. They'll probably just assume we read an anti-website and are too excited by the prospect of drinking now to turn back...

Anyway, thanks again.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 12:27PM by lawman.

I always warn people not to inform their bishop because my bishop went bat-crap crazy and yelled at me just for having questions - never mind the fact I didn't tell him at the time I was leaving. And I would have said my bishop was a good guy and a nice person. I'd phase out first. If you have callings, do them half-heartedly and then at the end of the phase out, tell the bishop you won't be doing them any more because you need a little break to figure out where you stand with Mormonism. Don't ask to be released - that implies he has some power over you. Tell him you won't be there after December 15th (or whenever) and that you wanted to let him know.

As far as your kids are concerned, help them make new friends as fast as possible. I was really lucky in that my kids were 10 and 12 and they were able to hang on to many of their LDS friends while making new friends. Even at age 10, my daughter (now 15) has told me she was really rocked by finding out everything she'd ever been taught and everything she believed was wrong. She really benefitted from us becoming involved in a nice, non-denominational church with a good youth group. My son doesn't attend and we respect his decision. He has made a group of Mormon and non-LDS friends who mostly work together well and, other than a couple of uber-Mormon kids, pretty much live and let live.

Good luck - it's a big life change but my kids have benefitted from it tremendously. I tell them their morals and values are MORE important now because they are their own and aren't being inflicted upon them by a church. They have taken that to heart and are both honors students, participate in band and other school groups and headed for college. They don't drink or party and are pretty straight-laced. Our family values have carried them through when some of their Mormon friends get up to trouble and their main value is their ability to hide it from their parents. You are doing the right thing - just make sure they get in with new, better friends and you will be fine.

Thanks, CA Girl. My sentiments exactly. Why tell your bishop beforehand? There's always time after the fact. Your bishop will only offer push-back and criticism, and that would make it even more difficult.

Great Caesar's ghost. I would have thought that older kids would thank you and with younger kids it would not register.

I have non-LDS friends whose kids love their church so much that they cry if they miss a Sunday. Obviously, this wouldn't happen with the LDS church. If you had teens, they would weep when you made them go. So if you want them to enjoy religion, find them a church that makes them feel good about learning the Bible and not miserable for not accepting every little criticism from Church HQ & Co.

We left when our daughter had been baptized for about a year. We explained to her that we were wrong about TSCC and helped her to understand some basic things as to why.

We were worried about her as well, but, she was thrilled. She never liked church that well and was glad she would have Sunday to do the things she wanted instead of being bored to death at church. Now it's a couple years later and she wonders why we made her go in the first place. She has moved on and while she is still friends with some mormon kids, she is also friends with non-mormons as well.

We tend to over think these things sometimes. Kids are very flexible.

Good luck to you!

As others have suggested. Just fade out overtime and attend less then cut it off.

I wouldn't bother talking to the Bishop. What can he really do about historical things that have happened long ago. Some talk to their leaders for some form of closure.

Do what you feel is comfortable but an easier way to maintain friendships with possibly less shunning would be to fade out and infrequently attend until you don't.

Kids will adjust to your schedule as they are still pretty young. Your recently baptized kid was just following along the program in which his parents and primary shared with him. He/she didn't know any better anyway.


There will be emotional pain, withdrawal, what is life all about now kind of stuff but it will pass. You will develop new routines, explore new stuff, have more money 10% to do things, and 24 more hours to dedicate to your family, hobby or whatever.

Had I known about certain develops that occurred back in the 70s I would of been long gone and closet doubter until I was 18 and free to think what I want.

"Gregory Prince, who wrote a seminal biography of President David O. McKay, related to me that when he interviewed Hugh Nibley, a professor at BYU in 1995, that '[a]t one point in the interview he [Nibley] asked that I turn off the tape recorder, which I did. He then related a curious anecdote relating to McKay and the Book of Mormon,' indicating that McKay did not believe in the historicity of the Book of Mormon (emails exchanged between me [Palmer] and Greg Prince on June 22, 2005. These documents are located in The Grant H. Palmer Papers, Accn 2071, Manuscripts Division, Marriott Library, University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah)


"Thomas Stuart Ferguson, a California lawyer, Church member and avid amateur archeologist, took the Egyptian papyri that was gifted to the Church in 1967 to several Egyptologists at Berkeley, and as I recall Brown University and had them independently translated. All said the papyri were common funerary rites from the Book of the Dead. Ferguson then took their statements to apostle Hugh B. Brown, and after reviewing the evidence 'with Brother Brown he said that Brother Brown agreed with him that it was not scripture . . . that Hugh B. Brown did not believe the Book of Abraham was what the church said it was' (journal entry of Ronald O. Barney concerning Thomas Stuart Ferguson on 19 April, 1984. Barney, now retired, worked at the LDS Library and Archives at Church headquarters, in Salt Lake City). Ferguson also said the same to Jerald and Sandra Tanner on December 2, 1970: 'Mr. Ferguson had just visited with Mormon apostle Hugh B. Brown before coming to our house, and said that Brown has also come to the conclusion that the Book of Abraham was false' (letter of Gerald Tanner to Dee Jay Nelson, December 10, 1970)"

topping

"The Church/Gospel is all they know."

This statement is wrong. It should read "The Church/Gospel is all they have been exposed to."

The universe awaits!

Talk to them a lot and let them know you care and love them. Lots of hugs. Get them back to the core which is Parents and kids first. Everything else is gravy.

So many options! Get over the fear of picking a poor option. So what if you do! Big deal! You learned a little something and can choose something else.

Welcome to the freedom to change and do what you want with yourselves and the lives of the kids. No more "program" for a pre-programmed life.

Look at this as a grand adventure, not a scary, guilt ridden, possible punishment and certain failure one. It's hard but if you drop the old programmed fears it is really a cool thing.

Again, Welcome to the real universe!

When my shelf was teetering, I had a talk with my DH who supported me 100%. We are both from very TBM families, married in the temple, etc., etc. After that conversation we stopped going completely. I couldn't go back one more Sunday, pretending, or listening to 3 hours of stuff I didn't believe. And I think it helps the ward members to know that it wasn't because we fell away or just became inactive. If you are there every week and one Sunday never come back, they know it is more serious. About a month before we stopped going I asked to be released, but that is the only time I met with my bishop. My 3 year old son enjoyed church, but after a couple of weeks staying home he could care less about going. Maybe have some fun family outings planned for the first few Sunday's, so your children see that Sunday really will be a day to spend with the family. Good luck!!

They adjust well to leaving the Mormon church.

Just tell them you've learned new things about church and that no one has to worry about terrible things happening if they stop going there. Help them find new interests, more fun filled activities and a better class of friends who don't judge others based on religious participation.

Just fade away and move on. As for scouts, there are other scouts troops he can attend that are non-lds and he would have a TON more fun and actually learn something and get to do many things without the lds influence in everything they do or say. Spend Sundays doing family fun things or find a more child friendly church if you want to keep that in your life. Even then the meeting would me shorter and you could throw the park in there afterword's or ice-cream or some fun thing.

Very rare are the children who would be upset about not having to go to church.

Plus, there is less hurt for the kids because they haven't wasted 10% of their money being donated to a corporation with very little return on investment.

I agree, I don't see this as a problem. Just stop going; it won't be at all difficult to find other more enjoyable things for the kids to do. Just my opinion... but that "phasing out" thing is like slowly pulling off the band-aid...

We don't owe the church anything. Kids will be happier in no time.

In my case, my kids were raised in the church. I left when they were in junior and regular high school. It was a "Really? We can do that?" when I suggested doing other things. They had NO trouble doing fun things with me on weekends.

when we left our daughter was 6-7, we quit cold turkey and she was fine. She only had a couple little friends that were only kids she saw at church and she didn't care a bit. Two weeks after we left we started trying out other churches. She said after the first one, "That was WAY WAY better than our last church, I was sooo bored there, lets stay here!!"

She's now a teen and has a brilliant budding mind of her own about god/religion. She told me last year: "I think being with my friends and you guys on the weekends is really fun."

When we left we had three boys 10, 7 and 5. We did not fade out. We sat the oldest down, explained that we were wrong and wouldn't be going to Mormon church anymore. I did a big explanation on archaeology because that is something he is interested in. It made sense to him and helped him understand that we had been lied to. We spent the next few months going to a Christian church that had doughnuts and then we faded out of going to church all together. The kids are totally fine.

In my experience since you don't live in UT (I don't either) I would cut ties completely and not do scouts with the church. The worst comments I got after leaving church were along the lines of "What are you doing to your children?" and "If you are willing to allow your kids their free agency I will pick them up and drive them to church myself." Unfortunately they will see your kids as needing to be saved. As a general rule I don't allow any unsupervised access to my children with Mormons. I used to be a primary president and I remember feeling a deep obligation to pull the kids in who didn't have active parents. Plus regular scouts is like a million times better than mormon scouts if you're into that type of thing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 05:05PM by pandora.

When my friend and her husband informed their teenage kids that they no longer believed and wouldn't be attending the LDS church anymore, the teens responded with:

"We knew it was BS years ago. What took you so long?"


Kids surprise you.

Welcome! I'm recently "out" (inactive) for the past 6 months. Our stories sound very similar. DW and I basically found out about the problematic church history and thankfully both of us decided we were done. We both served for years in very high visibility ward/stake callings and actually were very happy as TBMs and fit in to the ward very well. We just could not believe anymore. In our case, we did tell our Bishop ahead of time and he didn't really want to know the details behind the issues, so we left it at that. He also agreed to keep the Ward Council off of our backs. Anyway, we didn't really have too much push-back on leaving in our case because we were firm. Be prepared to have to be firm, because there will be some level of push-back.

Our plan was to get released and fade out over several months to avoid rumors or suspicion. We knew that we obviously would not fade out unnoticed, but wanted to soften the blow. Well... that was the plan. The reality was that we could no longer bring ourselves to sit through another church service. Once the switch gets flipped "off", you see things that you never saw before. It was torture!! So we stopped cold turkey.

Our older kids (teens) later opened up to us and told us they figured out it was BS and one of them had already found out about many of the church history issues and didn't know what to do with them. So what a relief that was to experience this all together. The younger kids were elated to not have to go to church again! I'm so glad that I found out the truth myself and acted on it... this vicious cycle ends at my generation.

I will say this though... take it at the pace that feels "right" for YOU and your family. There are no rules that say you have to leave cold turkey. Or if you want to go to an activity or two and that makes you happy, then go for it. Just be aware, that ward members may see your participation as encouragement to "reactive" you :).

One last thing... yes, we did lose a lot of friends in the ward. But our closest TBM friends remained friends. Our approach is to not bring up church or criticize it in front of them. And they don't bug us about being "apostate". Some of our other TBM ward "friends" have acted strange around us like we have the plague. But just play it cool... a good way to think of it is to feel sorry for them for being so indoctrinated that they feel they need to shun. It's kind of a fun game to help sweeten the rejection :).

Best of luck... check back in here whenever you want. This is a great group of folks who have been through the same experiences, pains, etc. that you have (and will) go through. It's a process.