Watching their parents blindly throw their lives away to a money-hungry cult would be painful for anyone, right? It would make you crazy all morning, evening, and night, trying to figure out what to do to fix it, even though you know you just can't do a single damn thing about it? It would make you sit on the shower floor everyday and cry, because you just want to have your parents put you first for once? You just want them to be there for you, and be able to say that without thinking or adding "Even if you're not a member of the church"? It would make anybody become short-tempered and distant from their parents, annoyed at every teeny tiny thing they do or say, because among all the things that come out of their mouths, none of it *ever* means anything at all?

My reaction to all of this bullshit is normal, right? I'm not making it up in my head, I'm not being dramatic, I'm not seeking attention, I'm not crazy? Do I genuinely have a rhyme or at least a goddamn reason to feel this way? My parents don't think I do. Everything I say, they just dismiss it and blame it on a million other things. A million other things that don't even make any sense, just as long as it isn't directed at their precious church. They have never listened to me. They teach me one thing and do another. They don't think before they do things. They don't apologize when they fuck up. They don't believe anything I say. They don't respect or trust me. They don't love me enough either, because if they did, they would put me and my siblings BEFORE the church, ALWAYS. They wouldn't have raised us by the "God first, family second" mantra.

They don't LISTEN to me. They're completely incapable of seeing where I'm coming from, they're blind to everything I show them, deaf to everything I say. This isn't fair, is it? I don't deserve to sit up at night trying so hard not to cry, because all I want is to talk to my parents and have them love and understand and support me? I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Yet here they are telling me I'm being spiteful and ungrateful, that I'm projecting anger that is coming from somewhere else—something that is *my* fault, no doubt—and putting the blame on them and the church. But do you guys hear me? Do you understand? Would you be just like me if you were in my situation, scared and alone and lonely as all hell and feeling like nobody ever wants to hear you speak? They drive me insane... all they ever say is double-talk. They don't mean to do this. They can't help it. But they're my parents. It's not fair. I just want a mom and a dad who love their kids PERIOD, not a mom and a dad who love their kids "despite the fact that not all of them are Mormon." I'm so tired and so sad. I'm so sad all the time. I don't know what to do. They can't hear me.

It's very painful to not be able to do get through to them. They have to find out on their own.

Let the church hang itself with them . Looks like a good start happened with the new ' essay ' on Old Joe . Then back it up with the ' essay ' on blacks and the priesthood . Education will extract them just like us !

I've been where you are.

This is exactly why I completely, once and for all cut my parents out of my life on my 50th birthday. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I finally got real and accepted the FACT that they love the church more than any thing or anyone. The church can have them. The church has already taken everything there is to take. There's nothing left.

If these people come knocking on my door wanting for something, I don't know them. I will call the police. If I could legally divorce them, I would. I want nothing to do with them. They are my worst nightmare.

No, you're NOT crazy. You're not imagining things either. It is what it is. Most likely it won't change. For 50 years I tried to get their approval. I had the thought that they loved the church more than their children, but didn't want to believe it. Turns out I was right all those years ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 01:04AM by madalice.

I was 49 when I said no mas to my blood enemies.

I'm not a huggy person. But, I do have to say I've bonded with you over our mormon childhood and the people who directed our existence. I'm glad we're done with them.

Some folks prefer a fantasy personality.

But I know what it is like to be in your shoes. I was married to a Mormon and I would lay awake at night and try to reconcile what I knew to be truth to what was going on around me. It was very difficult to know that all it would take for my nightmare to be over was for my DH to sit and have an honest conversation with me and read some primary sources...yet he would not. It's a very difficult place to be and it didn't feel real to me sometimes.

One day he did listen, and read. And he left.

And it ended happily. Don't give up

That really sucks. As they age, they might realize their kids are important too. I hope for your sake that happens.

You're not crazy.

The roller coaster of emotions is hard. Wanting to be loved, wanting closeness and good counsel, wanting to be accepted, appreciated, valued and god forgive - occasionally praised is normal.

When the continual criticisms, comparisons with other family members,praise and assistance to strangers,and interference with the way you raise your children become too much ,you realize that your family hurt you more than they comfort you. The realisation that they are ,indeed, toxic hurts, but it can become a goal. To not ever become THEM.

My parents told us they would rather see me dead than married to my NeverMo husband. We were late 20's , I had my medical degree, he was a stable, employed,sober, educated man of similar background but not good enough. The Mormon males locally were poorly educated,needy, arrogant or all three.

We have been married 35 years. I initially tried to make it work with my children to give them grandparents. They would try to shield me from the worst of my parents, lie that I was not at home because they saw how upset phone conversations could make me.

I could see this was a poor example to them. The hurt caused by parents prioritising church and their multiple missions over their grandchildren was the final straw.

We have no contact. My mental health benefitted,my children lacked nothing. I will not do that to them.

You need to build your own life and realise that your parents may never act the way you want them to. Congratulations for finding your way out, and stopping the toxic pattern of putting church before children (my own children are really grateful we are out).

You are your own person and the world is yours for the taking. Your parents make their choices and you make yours. Your parents' choices are no reflection on you. You are not crazy, you are just aware of the reality of the situation, and disappointed in your parents' behaviour.

I'm so sorry for you. I"m sorry you have to go through this. You don't deserve any of that crap.

You deserve to be loved by your parents and you deserve to be a priority in their lives.

You are not crazy.

And I know we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet, but we hear you. I hear you.

You have every right to feel the way that you do.

Someday, hopefully soon, you will find the strenth to say: enough is enough. And you will build your own life, and you will surround yourself with people who love you enough, and who make you a priority.

*big hugs* to you.

You can come talk to us as often as you like.

I had one normal, sane parent, a hormonal convert, devout but nonetheless, sane. The other, BIC and carbon copy of your post.

My condolences, and my assurance that I and many others here survived this, and you can too. They're the ones who are crazy not you. Maybe they will come to their senses. Maybe not. You already have. That puts you at a huge advantage in life.

You have described my parents, my siblings and even myself until I broke free from the mind control the cult has over people. You are so lucky to have the strength to break free at a young age. I have a good relationship now with my family. I just accept the fact they love me but are brain washed. My family and others are mentally ill. You cannot change them. They have to change on their own. Enjoy your life.

Many issues you touched on above are relevant to the way I have been feeling for the past few years with my parents (BTW...I am using my husbands account he just wanted me to clarify that! :)
I could go on and on about the hurt they have caused me over and over again yet I am the problem! I have tried to approach them about it but I always end up apologizing for my behavior?? They rationalize their actions and then I feel guilty for being upset by them. I am tired, I am angry to think I can't express my feelings to them or my siblings who are brainwashed by them towards me.

It would be nice to share life's joys and sorrows with a mom who really cared and showed true empathy. I see it all the time with my friends and their moms. It is sad and you have the right to feel as you do. I think we all feel it in some way or the other. I have finally realized that my parents are who they are, they will never change so I just keep my distance so the hurt they continue to cause me does not destroy the happiness I have found by leaving the church. They have their opinions and they make judgments but I am who I am and better off for finally being true to myself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2014 01:12PM by reuben.

Your reactions, as you've described them, are the only ones that make sense.

So eloquent and it all rings so true.

It sucks to be rejected by someone you love because they put a stupid cult first. It is truly shocking once you fully understand what is really going on. It is also very painful and sad. Sometimes you think you will not be able to get over it. But it gets better... little by little.. as you grow, and you will grow.

You will go through the stages of grief. But the grief will end, or at least become much more manageable.

Take solace in the fact that you have broken the cult chain and that your chidren, when you have them, will be free of the evil mind control. That is something to be happy about. And you deserve lots of credit for it.

No, You are not crazy!
Please find someone to talk to. People here are great support.

You care about your family!
Your parents are trusting in the programming and cannot see through the Matrix.

Parents fear for what their kids may try when they leave the church: (WE had one go off the deep end into problem causing lifestyles that have limited his education, job opportunities and possibly health.

Please show your parents that you plan on being responsible in developing skills for you future lifestyle /health and safety, education, job opportunities; On Being responsible with your means / finances.

It may take time for them to face their own fears and disappointments to see clearer.

Love is a two-way street.

You can't force anyone to love you.

Find a life and people that you can love and they can love you back.

Leave the door open, if your parents want to enter, let them in and accept their love on your terms, not on theirs. The door works the same way, they can come and go as they please.
Some day you just might close the door and lock it.

im going through the exact same shit, just this last week i was sat down for a talk in which i felt like i was forced to say that there is nothing negative at all about the church, and thats why i 'promised' to not get on these websites again. now my mom will not quit citing that i admitted the church was good. i cant stand being put second behind the church with my five sibling!

No, you aren't crazy.

One of life's sad moments is when you realize your parents (or other family members) will never be able to be who you want them to be. I realized this when I was about 40. I realized that I couldn't share anything important with my parents because they would just judge, or gossip, or melt into a puddle of stress. They were emotionally unavailable, and my mother in particular is too emotionally fragile and shallow to have a deep conversation with. But that is who they are. I can't change them. Nor can you change your parents. You have to deal with them on their level. And that will probably mean that you need to be careful what you share, so they won't use it against you, find emotional support elsewhere.

This problem isn't unique to Mormon parents. I just talked to a non-mormon friend who has gone through the same thing with her mom, but I'm guessing it's a problem that's much more prevalent with Mormon parents because their own identities are so closely tied to the church, and keeping up the dream of the perfect eternal family.

Their lives are so wrapped up in the church that they just don't have the flexibility to think outside that box. Their lives become all about doing all the things the church tells them to do, trying to meet expectations, and NOT so much about thinking about what really brings them joy or making real connections to other people. They judge and try to control family members when they don't conform, instead of listening to them. And they often end up pushing them away.

My parents were emotionally unavailable at best, and probably narcissistic, at worst. Mom has always been willing to cast her troubles at the feet of anyone who will listen, but can't bear the burden of hearing others' problems, unless it makes a good story to share. That sucks, but that's what it is. And recognizing it wasn't pleasant, but it made me realize that I need to be careful what I share, and not to EXPECT anything from her. Not confidentiality, not advice, not support.

It's just not worth it to expect something from someone who can't give it. It will just disappoint and hurt YOU over and over again. So learn from their behavior and adapt. I don't know if you still live at home, but if you do, bide your time and don't share too much. And if you don't live at home, limit the amount of contact and keep it on a level that won't stir things up.

That second to the last paragraph, wow. I know it almost as well as you stated it. I have seen it.

You are not crazy. And your parents are inadequate. They are not normal. Or typical. Good people don't act like that toward their children.

I have parents much like yours. To this day, a person acting like I'm not to be believed sends me into white-hot, livid fits of rage. My dad still calls me up, asks for advice, and then ignores what I told him (until we've had the same conversation 4-5 times and it finally starts to sink in).

The only thing I've learned is that your parents will never, ever be the people that you and I think they should be and they'll never give you what you want. And the best way to make your peace with that is to re-examine your expectations of them and re-define what kind of relationship you want to have with them. If you don't let go of your anger and frustration and feelings of betrayal eventually (you've got to process that stuff first), those things will eat you alive.

You have to find a way to take your power back and that means not allowing their behavior to bother you or upset you. You have to begin to expect them to behave like assholes, not be surprised and hurt all over again when they do it to you for the 100th time. You can't fix them and they will never be able to hear you.

+1, dog, +1.

You may need to distance yourself from them for a time for both sides sakes. Perhaps then they'll realize they can't treat you the way they have been without reprocussions. And it sounds like you need to step away from them so you have some time to see the situation from a different perspective. Realize that you can't change them. You can set boundaries and request that they respect those boundaries, but you can't change their behavior. Stick to your guns.

Thank you guys for all your responses. They really do help a lot and I appreciate it.

I would like to make it clear though that my parents are, underneath the Mormon surface, really, really, really good people. They're loving, kind, funny, and always well-intentioned, but when it comes to the church, they are painfully naïve. The only reason I'm so upset with them right now is because, like I said, they can't even see that they're just tossing their minds away to a cult, and that completely breaks my heart. And it makes me feel like I'm only getting part of them, like the other side of them that enables them to think independently and make decisions based on facts instead of feelings, one of the most vital parts of a person's mind, is being stolen. That pisses me off. Mostly at the church, but partially at them too, for allowing it. And I know it isn't their totally fault because it's a near impossible thing for a brainwashed mind to recognize, and for the most part I make peace with it, but sometimes it gets to be too much. Once I finally got all that off my chest in the original post, I'm back to feeling pity for them and hoping with all my heart that one day they make it out. But I'm only seventeen, so I guess I'm still inclined to a few "life isn't fair" fits, lol.

But I hope I move on from this anger toward the church/unbearable pity for my parents *soon,* because it is starting to damage my relationship with them, which is the last thing I want. I would like to have things differently, but if all I can have with them is a partial relationship sans the discussion of anything religious or political or moral, then I'll take it. Not that I think you have to view eye-to-eye with someone on every little issue to have a fulfilling relationship, but there is a big difference between having opposing views and feeling the pain of seeing someone you love giving up the control of their lives. I just really, really hope they make it out someday, for their own sake. I think I'm just feeling intense disappointment in them, rather than spite toward them. Or something, I don't know. I feel something different everyday—every second, really. I'm kind of a mess right now.

Again, thank you guys for your responses. I really appreciate your help.

More and more adults are waking up, we surprised our kids when we did after nearly 40 years in!

Maybe someday ... They will learn something from your courage, wisdom and caring. Or something in the news will break their shelf, like woke us up! :-)

Wishing you more comfort and a friend who can understand.
I will always regret being blind for so long.
Best wishes to you ♥

And they, in turn, (try to, even if they don't know it) make others (feel) crazy. the church leads people astray, just as Joseph taught and did...

I wasn't going to write much (others have said it well themselves, as have you), and after writing a nice letter, just before hitting post [and it was a good one], lost it. Darn!

In any case, continue to grow, learn and think for yourself. This is wisdom. You are born to think for yourself - and your parents have forgotten this by now, obviously... because they were too. The church does their thinking for them, and doesn't do a good job [at anything but ridicule, blaspheme and tear down] at it. No wonder people have always been fighting for the truth, since about 1820. They want their families, the way God made them, not the way the church pimps them and pits them against one another. Again, this is wisdom, all too rare in TMC. People lose people they love to the Mormon church daily. Many times they/ we would have it that way because they are so clueless, cold and cunning anyway, after being hijacked by Mormonism.

Best to you

See Bonds that make us free by C. Terry Warner. Maybe give a copy to them for christmas and/or agree to go to an arbinger institute family session. Although you might not think it would, it helps to first really seek to understand your enemy or those who hurt you.

Part of the process of growing into adulthood is releasing the vision of the parents that you wanted and embracing (if possible) the parents that you have. This is a process that can take a lot of time. You are at an age when you will be moving out of the house soon, or within the next few years. This will give you the physical and emotional space that you need in which to start building your own life.

I think when I was your age, I felt the same way about my own mom -- that she never really *listened* to me or saw me for the unique individual that I am. Perhaps it is a dynamic between parents and teens that is to some degree inevitable. As a psychology professor of mine once said, this is nature's way of getting young people out of the house.

Over the years, my mom and I rebuilt our relationship into one that was close and loving, despite being very different people. Perhaps that will happen for you as well. Life is long and relationships can change over the years. I learned the valuable phrase, "We will have to agree to disagree about that," and I used it with my mom when necessary. I learned to avoid discussions about certain topics, or to limit them in scope.

Good luck to you and do let us know how things progress.