I'm new around here, but I really feel like I need some support with an issue. I was BIC, but left when I was 18 (16 years ago) because I realized I didn't ever beleive in a god, and I was just going along with the mormon thing to please my parents. I'm pretty sure they think I'm just still rebelling (I was actually quite the little angel).

Four years ago my dad retired, and they wanted to serve a mission. Because of their aging parents though, they felt it wasn't a good idea to leave the area. They were able to do a service mission though that just happens to 10 minutes from my home (they live a couple hours away).

They've been happily commuting for their church mission for years, but they never stop by to see their grandchildren. It's been a slap in the face, but at least I could take my children to them for visits. But now, they've been called to a new mission. They are being released from their mission here so they can serve as stake missionaries in their home stake. They will have to go through the MTC and everything. My mom was explaining to me that it was going to be hard to make church the focus of their lives (no cleaning out closets!), and wear the name badge everywhere they go, but they feel like it's something they have to do, even though it isn't something they signed up for.

My mom is the insecure type. My toddler won't even go to her--because she's a stranger. But of course my mom gets jealous of the other grandma who my toddler loves. My in-laws are always doing whatever they can do to help our family and bond with the kids, so naturally my kids adore them.

I guess my question is, can anything be done here? If I even tell my parents what my concerns are, is that going to blow up in my face? Will they think I'm satan if I tell them this mission isn't a good thing for our family? (my sister believes but isn't active--has a son on a mission, by brother doesn't believe)

Your parents have their reasons and think they are doing what Jesus would have them do. At least, they are not paying rent to the LDS landlord for a crumby apartment while on a mission. They get to keep living in their home.

I suppose you could just keep hinting that the grandkids would love to see them more often.I have know idea how far apart they are. Just keep welcoming them to be a part of the family, love them, for they are still blind to the LDS cause, but some people have to "have" a purpose for living.

When my Dad retired from farming, he was 70, in good health and was well off. He and Mom never talked about wanting to do a couples mission...the topic never came up. They had good friends who went and I always wondered how much of the GAWZPEL he actually bought...or if he and Mom enjoyed the social component of the cult most.

Ron Burr

Your parents are adults and you must respect their decision, just as you wish them to respect yours.

They are members of a cult and the cult comes before family relationships. It is difficult to accept that they love TSCC more than their grandchildren, but there it is. They may claim otherwise but their actions are speaking so loudly it's hard to hear the "I love you". Ouch!

You can try to be frank with your parents about your concerns, but the cult will come first. So what's the point? (I wouldn't be surprised if they believe on some level that their dedication will bring you and your family back to the fold....blessings?)

Be glad that your in-laws are loving and supportive. Build your family there.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2014 11:48AM by caedmon.

I agree with caedmon. Your parents are grown-ups. They aren't going to be inclined to change their views in response to your opinion. They've made their choice. And, it's a bad one - to distance themselves from all the real blessings of retirement like leisure time, grandchildren, freedom and chose the church above themselves and loved ones. The ironic thing is, your parents would probably be the first people to condemn a deadbeat dad for ignoring his children to pay attention to his mistress but they are doing fundamentally the same thing - ignoring loved ones, relationships, the needs of family to please mistress/church. Since you will never make them see it that way, all you can really do is feel sorry for them and be grateful you have good in-laws to love.

P.S. I like your writing style and hope you will start posting here more often. Having been out for years, you would probably have a lot of good insights on building a post Mormon life which would benefit the newly escaped around here.

I do feel sorry for them. I suppose what I can learn from this is that when/if I have grandchildren, it's important to put in the time.

I just feel like there's got to be a way to talk to them about it. Not a try to talk them out of the mission type of way, but in a renegotiate their terms kind of way.

Or perhaps I could say that their call has made me think a lot about how their grandchildren will miss them (my kids aren't thier only grandchildren), and how maybe building those bonds should be a higher priority for everyone--that maybe the purpose of the call was to bring the family closer together and they weren't actually meant to serve the mission...

Some Mormon couples serve missions precisely in order to get away from the many kids they had because of church pressure.

The really deluded ones go on missions depleting their retirement saving,while paying the morg to let them work for the corporation.

You may want to ask your parents what their long term financial plans are for when they get too old to serve and need constant care.
The Mormon church won't take care of them or help them financially.

Then there was the senior couple who worked for the church for 20 years. They were full tithe payers of course.

They had a decent pension from the church. They spent it going on one mission after another. The church got their pension money back, plus free labor.

That's how brainwashed members operate. They give until its gone, then they expect their kids to come to their rescue. The church certainly has no interest in helping these people.

I would talk to them about it. Sometimes people need a wake-up call even if they ultimately ignore your advice. But I would tell them that it's clear they are putting the church ahead of their own grandchildren, and if they want to build relationships with their grandkids, the time is now. Then you can figure that you've said what you need to, and let it go.

I wouldn't feel sorry for them, after all they are making their own decision. But, I would express how I felt.

I'm not sure if it would backfire on you or not, or if they'd think you are a messenger from the dark side. But I think you're right in wanting them to know how this is not good for them or you, the grandkids, etc. Just like you are telling us, straight and sincere. And I'd even throw in a 'family first' line somewhere. Not to be rude but to make them aware of what it means to put family first.

I believe that most people have the best intentions but are not necessarily aware of how others feel.

Your mom seems to not be 100% sure to go, who knows this might help her change her mind.

They most likely will still serve their mission. For TBMs that is the thing to do. But at least they will know and may truly choose family first next time. You'll never know unless you tell them.

Best luck,
D

From my experience talking to loved ones about how I wished they would spend more time with me backfired. I thought it would be a way to let them know I cared a lot and they would be able to see how much I loved them.

Nope. In their eyes I was criticizing and complaining and plain ungrateful for what I had. Their alligance was first and foremost to the Church-Cult. All they could see was that I was an apostate and could not know a thing.

There is nothing wrong with being blunt when reminding them of their finances.

Mormons have a fairy tale mentality, which won't help them when their retirement money runs out.

How they spend their time is up to them.
How they spend their money will ultimately affect YOU.

That's the reality of Mormonism. The church will use them up and spit them out.
Don't beat around the bush in pointing this out to your parents.

If they still decide to give everything to a cult, that's the decision they will have to live with in heir waning years.
But they won't be able to say you did not warn them.

I had a chat with my dad last night. I asked what was expected of them for this mission, and he honestly didn't know. I told them it was perfectly reasonable to find out all the details before accepting, and he agreed but felt weird ably getting details. Then I joked that giving all the information up front isn't the way the organization operates and he laughed. We talked a bit about building relationships with my kids, and they voiced concerns as well. By mormon standards our family is tiny. They are financially responsible too. I wonder how much they'll be paying for this mission in their own home though. I'm sure they'll be paying something.

Good to hear you brought it with your dad. It doesn't seem like he got defensive which I think it's a very good sign. TBMs tend to get defensive.

Now that the communication is open you will be able to bring up concerns more easily and they may even see better how the church is using them. The most important thing they need to learn is to say no to the church. Even if they don't leave the organization, saying no will be liberating for them.

Tell them, you know you can say "no, thanks, maybe anther time". Wouldn't that be great!

How much is the mission costing them? Too much!

I look at the couple missionaries in our area and they have to pay for everything. One devoted man told me "we even had to pay for our name tag". His wife quickly elbowed him. Apparently the young missionaries get some things provided for but not the senior couples. That goes to show you that they don't get the smallest break. And if they want to drive, they have to get their own car. As far as I know the church doesn't give them anything as they serve.

Best of luck,

I have no advice to offer on how to influence them.

I can add that my experience with the situation is that senior couples are now being used as free labor. This is an entirely task oriented position with service to the mission president and his wife the primary requirement. There will also be tasks depending on the assignment with cars, book keeping, and taking orders.

Do they know this? My guess is they are already doing this with other assignments and are comfortable doing what they are told and being subordinates. Some couples may not be, but most will.

The Mission President is the star. Their mission will be to support that statement.

Your parents sound like my inlaws.... Commuted to their church 'mission' at the mission home for years. Now they teach seminary and primary. Wouldn't be surprised if they accept another mission call after they've done seminary one more year... They know our issues ith the church. FIL gave us a copy of Shaken Faith Syndrome', so I don't think anything works in the face of brainwashing, especially because the church consumes their whole lives on a daily basis.

I know exactly how you feel. My parents chose to leave for a mission weeks before my baby was born. Could have waited a few months, but nope, God wanted them to miss the birth. Ironically they came back several weeks early because it fit with the replacement missionaries schedule.


Mormons: so worried about being with family in heaven they don't make time for them on earth.