Before I start, I want to make it known I'm getting into some pretty explicit stuff because it's relevant to my questions. Please don't proceed if you aren't adult enough to handle.

Ok, now with that out of the way....

Now that my divorce is all but finalized, I've began dating someone else and we have become intimate. While I am beyond excited at the idea of sex without garments, guilt, and any other g's you can think of, I'm running into some unexpected problems.

For starters, I don't know what's happened in this past year or more but I'm just not as, ummm, well my pal downstairs isn't as excited as he has historically been. Is this due to age (I'm not old but at 32 could my sex drive be going down?)? Coupled with this is the fact that I now realize through my marriage I'd gotten used to "dry" sex. My ex would get a little wet but apparently not anything like my current gf. She explained that the extra friction that comes with dry sex gives more sensation. So with this new experience I'm having more trouble staying alive, so to speak.

I haven't masturbated for a while but I understand going at it rough can deaden the nerves down there. I was never one that would go at it softly when doing solo, so I wonder if I've done some sort of permanent or long term damage?

I'm seriously starting to debate whether I should begin taking a testosterone supplement or something...I don't know. But it's frustrating because I now have the chance I've wanted my entire life and it's just not happening the way I'd always envisioned!

She also wondered if there was some lingering guilt from being an ex TBM. While I don't think I feel guilty, maybe it's something in the programming of my mind somewhere in my subconscious?

Any sort of thoughts/feedback/help would be awesome.

your largest sex organ is having a guilt problem.

Possibly.

But maybe he should see a physician to get an actual diagnosis.

onlinemoniker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Possibly.
>
> But maybe he should see a physician to get an
> actual diagnosis.

I was having some similar "issues" when my wife was pregnant with out first child. Had never had those issues before, and it worried me, so I went and saw a doctor.

Before examining anything, he asked me if I ever woke up in the morning with a raging hard-on. Sure, I said.
Then it's not physical, says he. It's psychological.
He did the follow-up physical exam anyway, but confirmed nothing physical. Then he gave me some on-line resources to peruse, and said to follow up with a psychologist if I felt it was necessary. The on-line resources explained the "guilt" some men have about getting their wives pregnant, making them carry such a burden, and how it affects male arousal. It also went into how some men worry about "damaging" the baby and similar issues, and some exercises to clear your mind of all of this stuff -- to do with your wife.
We did them. They worked.

Just worth mentioning :)

You need to get it checked with a medical doctor. Worry is the last thing you need right now. If there's a psychological issue, best to get a qualified therapist.

Best wishes with the new romance! Boner.

Are you using condoms? Hope so. Using a better lube water-based more often helps. A lot of men don't realize they should put lube on also before the condom is rolled on. Then lube the condom, before and during because it is water based it does. Also try some of the new lubes; the Hers and His work great. Remember some lubricants are actually made to desensitize the glans so that men can last longer, so make sure you're not using the wrong type.

Position. Sometimes trying different positions can be fun for you and your partner. find out. Talk, ask, laugh, experiment, explore. Vaginal sex doesn't have to be the only love making, oral, manual, mutual masturbation, 69.

Medications/Diet. Are you drinking? Are you eating heavy meals? Try eating lighter meals. Is it after a long day of hard work. Try mornings or weekend afternoons.

Lube on before the condom goes on? I stopped doing that after losing one. Took 30 minutes to fish it out.

Putting lube on the inside of the condom can cause it to fall off and get stuck inside the vaginal canal. If you're going to do that, make sure you have some Plan B handy....

It was amusing for 10 seconds or so. Then the reality of a serious infection and/or an embarrassing visit to the ER in a foreign country set in. Would have been resolved faster if we'd used a coat hanger...

Very true, and I realize that now. But I was brand new to ex-cult "adolescence" and the knowing smirks would have been hell. Hell, they probably wouldn't have even blinked, but I didn't know that at the time.

Definitely see a doctor. It may be as simple as a little blue (or yellow in the case of Cialis) pill.

I think it was Dr. Oz that compared the male sex organ to a dipstick. If it's having problems, it can be a sign of other issues.

BTW, my nephew is in is 30's and he's taking testosterone. So, 30's isn't all that rare.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2014 11:39PM by eternal1.

If sudden decline, probably not age.

First thought is perhaps too excited with a new partner. Might just take time to get more relaxed.

I seriously believe your issue is mental, likely guilt. You said you're divorce isn't final; as a believing mormon you were taught sex outside of marriage is wrong (adultery in this case). A life of that kind of programming doesn't cure itself quickly. So you should see improvement when divorce is final.

Also, your new partner is wetter and perhaps looser than your ex. Try drying your member off after things get too wet (keep a towel handy). I wouldn't recommend a condom if you two are monogamous and disease free, provided at least one of you is "fixed" or she's on birth control). Condom will desensitize things even more making it more difficult to climax.

Don't worry be happy and enjoy! the best years of sex await you!

I am a female here, but work in the medical field.

First of all, you are YOUNG. If you are concerned about hormones and Doctor will prescribe you any without a test to see where you are chemically. Then you can decide if you need a testosterone boost or something a bit more advanced.

If you are able to get and maintain an erection and ejaculate solo, then yes...you should be able to with a partner. Chances are you need to retrain yourself mentally and physically. Try non chemically first.

TALK to your partner. I am not quite understanding what your partner is saying about "dry" sex. That dry sex is better due to friction? Seriously, get some lube and experiment. You will thank me.

Spend time just exploring each others bodies..instead of just getting into the act. Appreciate how beautiful she is..have her massage you. Get in tune with each other. Please each other in other ways too. Speak out loud when you touch each other so you can hear yourself appreciate the moment and the intimacy.

You may want to back off..or change masturbation. Slow down, and not as often. You will find that you can re-sensitize your self! By the way, this happens with women and vibrators too. You can actually teach yourself to not respond to human touch, so re-teach yourself to respond to someone else's touch.

Becoming a sexual being post Mormonism is a brand new challenge. My first experience was a bit guilt ridden. I thought the entire time, "This is not my husband!!! Am I allowed to enjoy this?" I freaked my partner out by crying with relief when it was over.

Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon.

And while my last relationship did not work out, I am VERY pleased to say that I eventually shed many, MANY inhibitions and tried all sorts of new things! (Teehee!) With NO regrets!

Start by giving yourself permission to ENJOY your life, and enjoy your new sexuality. And buy lube.

RMM

Are you drinking? If so, cut back a little. If you aren't drinking then go get your blood work done and check your testosterone level. I've been injecting testosterone for about 6 months. It has made a huge difference for me. I'm a little older than you, but not much. It has made a world of difference. It feels like it did when I was 18.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2014 12:06AM by dodgeawrench.

The physiology for American white males (sexuality varies by nationality and, in some cases, culture and things like diet and health) is that American males tend to peak during their mid-twenties, and then "most everything" gradually decreases over the decades...but most males can, and could (if they wanted), be having really fine sex through their 90s--though it wouldn't be exactly the "same" sex as they were having during their late teens and their twenties.

So...you roll with it. Seeing a doctor and getting your hormone levels checked is good. Using lube is good. Taking longer (and EXPECTING to take longer) is fine. Many men take the different pills...many others do not. (My S.O. does not.) Cock rings, put on at the right time, can help. Cuddling can help. There are practical means (involving conscious masturbation, mutual masturbation, and genital massage) that can help a great deal.

Your teens and twenties are likely never going to come back, but with a loving, caring, supportive, sex-positive, partner, you can have what is truly deeply satisfying sex for all the rest of your life...no matter how long you live.

Having a loving, caring, supportive, accepting, patient, and sex-positive partner is important, because your future sex life will very likely not be exactly the same as you remember from the very best sexual times you remember from your past.

But the sex in your present and future can be BETTER (more sex than you thought possible...and more deeply satisfying sex in every way)..and probably ever DREAMED possible a few years ago.

And this is the genuine Truth.

I'll try to address some of the comments/questions all at once.

Not using a condom, she has an IUD. I do drink on occasion - what affect does that have? I'm surprised about the lube comments, I would think that's the LAST thing I need given how wet she gets. Different positions yes - I've gone to my "go to" which usually sets me off like a firecracker and even that one has only barely "gotten me there" a couple of times. I really don't think it's mental, either.

I think I do need/want to slow down a bit when we're together, she seems to be mostly interested in the orgasm and not so much about everything leading up to it. I should just talk more openly with her about it...

I'm wondering if I should go in for a blood test, just to see. I am generally just less horny now than I used to be, which is a significant fact I left out.

Besides what others have said, low sex drive is also a side effect of many medications, even ones you probably wouldn't think of - like acid blockers.

If you can't figure out any obvious reason for this, make an appointment with your doctor.

Best of luck!

"I should just talk more openly with her about it..."

I think this is it right here.

My .02:

Start with 69. Give her an orgasm that way, then the pressure will be off. She'll be taking care of you in the meantime so you'll be good to go. Give her a minute or 2 to relax afterward, then go for it.

If you find missionary isn't cutting it for you, just gently raise one of her legs to cross over the other one. She'll take the cue and go into doggy-style. See if you enjoy that angle better.

If it's not tight enough for you, put your knees on the inside of hers and push out a little bit with your knees. If that doesn't improve the sensation, put your knees outside hers again, and gently push back on the front of her knees.

She'll take that cue and lay down on her belly. Kiss her neck while you try that angle. She'll love it, and I'm sure you will too.

If that doesn't work, experiment some more. Have fun with it, man.

Stop it with the non-verbal cue advice.

USE YOUR WORDS.

"Hey wanna flip over and try doggy for a minute?" Works a hell of a lot better than silently moving her body around and hoping she'll get the hint.

BTW, not everyone digs 69. I am not coordinated enough to concentrate on doing a good * ahem * job for someone else while I'm having the same done to me. Also, giving her an orgasm first is good advice, but that will make her really wet so, that seems to be your problem...

Personally, I think it's just mental. Yes, your libido slows down a bit from your 20s to your 30s. That is normal. There is no law that says you can't take a break in the middle, go have a nekkid samich, and then come back to finish later when your little guy has had a rest.

Also I fail to understand kolobian's advice about the knees. Pushing her knees further apart would, um, open things up more, not make them tighter. Also, she may not be that flexible -- if I've got that pictured right, you'd be pushing her into a straddle split. Unless she's a yoga master, you might want to, know, just USE YOUR WORDS.

If somebody tried that with me, I'd get up, exasperated and ask "WHAT DO YOU WANT? USE WORDS PLEASE!"

I agree with dogzilla:

Use words...

...and also...

Not everyone digs 69. (I want to fully experience whatever it is that I am experiencing---whether I am the giver OR the givee...and 69 requires split focus at the exact time that the consciousness of both people ought to be floating off in some dimension of sexual ecstasy.) If I'm giving, I want to be FULLY giving...and if I'm being given to, I want to be FULLY receiving, because either way, I want to be simultaneously fully focused, and also fully relaxed, because ideally, this is supposed to be the best fun humans can have with each other.

The "take a break in the middle and go get a sandwich thing" is also something that often works when the hydraulics temporarily aren't working exactly the way you would most desire.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, and I would not advise you to go see a doctor just yet. To me this sounds normal and would happen to me as well whenever I got a new partner. I think it's just the excitement coupled with not being completely comfortable with each other yet. I'm 36 and have been with my current partner for 4 years now. When we first started having sex I had troubles as well. I thought there was something wrong with me and she was feeling bad because she thought she wasn't being sexy enough (which wasn't it). But once we got really comfortable with each other and found out what we both liked, then there hasn't been a problem since. Everybody is different, and it just takes some time getting used to.

I wanna add one more thing about the use-your-words: Very little is more uncomfortable for me than trying to have a conversation about sex right in the middle of things. I think it's best to have frank, open conversations in a completely nonsexual setting, say, after dinner while ignoring a bad movie over a couple glasses of wine. This has the added benefit of relaxing both partners before doing It™.

So, next time you get together, before any kissing or anything, have the talk. "Hey, I've been concerned about ... Thoughts?"

That's not to say don't talk at all during sex. On the contrary, silent sex is concerning to me. Both parties need feedback about how things are going. Using words is the best way to convey that.

If it's not obvious what should be talked through outside of sex and what kind of communication is useful during sex, then fall back on, ask.

Do you do cardio? Biking, jogging, running, etc. Get the heart up and other things come up hard as a rock.

Cardio is great for erections. Works better and with far less side effects than pills. If you are already doing cardio without any benefit, see a doctor.

I do TONS of cardio. Play tennis all the time, run 7 miles once a week, go to the gym and lift weights, etc. I'm in great shape so that shouldn't be it.

I think whoever said it takes time to get used to a new partner may be onto something. It took a while with my first partner (my ex-wife) but I attributed that to being new to sex altogether. But maybe the same logic applies to having someone new.

However the thing that still worries me is I'm just less horny in general. I don't have to jack off all the time like I used to. I can shower after shower without even a thought of rubbing one out. That's what makes me think my chemicals aren't all there...because it's not just something I've noticed when I'm with her.

That's just age. Horniness peeks at teen to 20s, then drops off from there.

... I look at my General Authority Calendar.

I am 45 years old, but very physically fit and I find that vigorous exercise, including strength training, is the surest way to get myself "fired up".

See the doc....I'mm 66 and everything is working just fine...32 is just getting started IMHO.

Ron Burr

There's some great advice here. Yes, diet and exercise can help. Yes, communication is important. Yes, being nervous or feeling guilt can cause some problems.

But, here's the thing. You said:

"However the thing that still worries me is I'm just less horny in general. I don't have to jack off all the time like I used to. I can shower after shower without even a thought of rubbing one out. That's what makes me think my chemicals aren't all there...because it's not just something I've noticed when I'm with her."

Hormones, specifically testosterone, are what gives you that horny feeling. If your chemicals are out of balance, all the other advice will have little effect on the problem. The only way for you to know is to have your blood tested. This requires a trip to a doctor, preferably one that has dealt with male hormone issues before. Not all doctors are knowledgeable about this. I've actually had a urologist tell me that hormones don't have any effect in men.

You're still relatively young. Generally, testosterone levels in men start dropping at about 40. But, not all men are the same. Some never really have a problem, and others have it much earlier. For me, it was about 40. For my nephew it was mid 30's.

Not everyone has the same symptoms. For me it was brain fog/memory that I noticed the most. I also had some fatigue and some libido issues but chalked that up to getting old (40), like many men do. The doctor checked my blood and sure enough, it was low T.

Hormone replacement therapy has made a world of difference. I'm in my 50's now and still horny as ever. It's happening slowly, but, men are finally willing to accept the idea that it's ok to get medical help to stay healthy and maintain their quality of life. Sex is an important thing, physically and emotionally, to every guy I know. If you've noticed that you "just don't feel horny in general" anymore, that's a red flag. Please consider going to your doctor. While the advice here is good, the advice of a trained medical doctor would be far superior. Low testosterone is a serious medical condition which without treatment can lead to problems you don't want to have. Here's one site of many that may help you to understand. Google is your friend. There are many sites giving plenty of info about low T as well as support groups for men dealing with it. And, if this turns out not to be your problem, at least you have narrowed it down, since there are other problems that can cause similar symptoms.

http://www.mens-hormonal-health.com/low-testosterone-symptoms.html