I was with someone recently and never felt so intensely--it was the first time I really felt that explosive, overpowering, absolute kind of love and need. We both agreed that we felt a spiritual connection--but she also became unpredictable and all over the place really quickly. We would have an intense encounter, then she'd ignore me for days, then come back and aggressively seduce/hit on me until I gave in. This happened several times until it came to an explosive end.

I'm heartbroken. Can this feeling--the feeling that someone's your soulmate, that they are meant for you, that you're spiritually connected to them--be just an illusion? My biggest fear is that I'll never feel anything like that again. It's taken me to a darker place than I thought possible. I don't know what to do.

Sounds like guilt to me. When the rush of passion is there the guilt is bound and gagged. As soon as fruition is reached the guilt regains its power.

Or, some people only want that which they cannot have. Stay away from this person unless you want to rebrand yourself as "forbidden fruit."

I would say what you were experiencing was the real deal so that means you can experience it again with someone else. You have the goods. Be happy about that.


The pain will subside. The light will shine in your darker places again--that doesn't sound quite right does it. Anyway broken hearts mend but most of us want to hold onto the pain a while as a souvenir of what was. I always did.

Like her guilt, or mine? Sorry, I'm a bit confused.

Sorry. Haha, I see that could be taken badly. I meant her possible guilt. And of course it's just an uneducated guess--something I went through myself--but could explain the behavior. Mormons and others who have strong religious indoctrination will often do things that they really want to do but then really regret it for a period after. Then when the hormones build up they go for their true desires again, then get the guilt and a cycle starts. I am not say that is true in your case, it was just a possibility.

Just appreciate that you have real honest feelings. What you described is strong and wonderful. But, I felt what you felt several times, and got dumped. The pain was unfathomable. It does go away and you can have those feelings again. Hopefully the next time they will be experienced with someone who has more substance and balance.

I know its no consolation, but at least you found out sooner rather than later. I hope you feel better soon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2014 03:16PM by blueorchid.

Oh, that makes more sense now. Thank you.

Same thing happened to me.

Several times.

Keep in mind that maybe we can have more than one "soulmate."

Maybe what you felt was compassion and mistook it for soulmate.

OP, I have been there. It turned out it wasn't a spiritual connection, it was codependency. I know this hurts like hell and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Can I please recommend that you get on google, search for "codependency", and read everything you can get your hands on. When I was able to understand what it really was that was driving me (codependency and not spiritual connection), it totally changed my life and opened me up to healthier relationships.

I wish you all the best.

I had the same experience as mobegone. But my "soulmate" was the one with major codependency issues. I didn't really believe in soul mates, but he sure did. I just thought we had a major connection, but I don't know what it was looking back on it. I think I just liked feeling extremely wanted and the "idea" of a soulmate. I ignored all the red flags that he was just crazy.

Funny thing about soulmates, he always told me I was his soulmate... after I divorced him (3 month marriage, total relationship time 3 months), he found his new soulmate about six months later and married her...

Yes, the trouble is in the understanding...I don't understand it so I can't yet move past it.

Sounds like a master manipulator. I would run as far as I could if I were in your shoes.

Look upon your devastation as evidence that you can love, you can bond with sex and love together, in other words, you are not so damaged that you are the one bouncing between ecstasy and guilt.

Experience your feelings fully by writing them down and let the tears flow. Blueorchid and others are right that loving once deeply means you will love again. And you will seek someone more healthy, someone who can return your love and passion honestly.

To find the most honesty, avoid religious people unless you yourself are one. The reason is that it's better to love/marry knowing that love is the only reason you are together, not God's commands, avoidance of hell, going to CK, etc.

Just lik you wouldn't want to be chosen because you have money. We all want to be love and be loved and there is a smart way to make a stable love more likely.


Kathleen Waters

We often confuse obsession or infatuation with the ideal of a spiritual bond or soulmate. A stable, deeply intense, loving relationship is based on mutual respect and unwavering trust. When you find that kind of love, and give that kind of love in return, you will have found your soulmate.

ETA: It almost sounds like you had to convince her that there was a spiritual connection.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2014 05:43PM by sassenach.

I've been through it..and it's heartbreaking..never knew I could feel that low.

Ron Burr

Been there too... Some people can be extremely charming and know exactly what you want to hear, and can work you like a puppet.

Sounds like borderline personality disorder or even narcisstic personality disorder. Or just plain old garden variety codependent manipulator.

Either way, that rush of having the sense that THIS is IT is not usually how sustainable, healthy relationships are built. That's more of a line-upon-line sort of thing.

Suggested Reading:
Codependency No More - Melodie Beatty

and

I Hate You Don't Leave Me - can't remember author's name; search Amazon.

but he wasn't mormon. I think the pain I felt when he moved away was over the fact that I didn't think I could be with him because of the mormon church. Everyone I worked with (mormons) felt we were meant for each other, but I just couldn't marry him.

I met 2 more guys who I feel are "soulmates." I do believe we could have been happy together, but the situations didn't work out.

I am back with my first "soulmate" for about 10 years now. It was really intense at first. Now our relationship has leveled out to everyday living.

I actually NEVER thought I'd get over my gay "ex"--now I live with him and I look at him and think, "I was married to him. I had sex with him of all things?????" I thought I would die if I couldn't be with him. I really did believe that. I gave up one of the guys above for him.

Give it time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2014 06:52PM by cl2.

Yes, I have had that feeling and was shocked when it did not pan out to more.

A dear friend asked me, "He may have been and he may have not been a soulmate. But why do you think you have just ONE or one that needs to last forever?"

I had to rethink what it meant. I think we get caught up in the fantasy that there is this ONE perfect person for us and when we get to be with someone who treats us just the way we have always wanted...and it slips out of our hands. It hurts.

Instead, turn it around and remind yourself that it is possible to feel like that. Once you heal, extract what was so good about the relationship and learn from it. Look for those traits in another relationship. The good thing is, you will be going into your next relationship with experience and knowledge you did not have before!

Cry it out, visit a pint of Tom and Jerry, and give yourself permission to grieve it.

The last possible relationship that I thought was a soulmate..ended up being a real a*hole. When he broke up with me, it was hurtful, but then I thought...he did me a favor! It was like the trash took itself out!

RMM

Feeling that strong passion doesn't mean that you can necessarily make it work in day-to-day life. It also doesn't guarantee that the other person feels the same level of intensity that you do. So yes, in that sense the feeling of being someone's soul mate can be illusory.

People often make the mistake of believing that "no one will ever make them feel like X did." X didn't make them feel anything. Your feelings are internal experiences generated by your own mind. If one person could make you feel that way, another could (and probably will at some point). That means X is not really so special after all. Most people aren't, but most of us have someone fall in love with us at least once in our lives.

Falling in love is just sexual attraction dressed up in cultural trappings and the myth of romantic "love," which is not actually love at all. A lot of different factors influence who we find ourselves attracted to, and as I said above, it has very little to do with the other person being special.

I think the soulmate myth is extremely toxic and damaging. I've seen it cause people to cling to someone who was not available, sometimes "waiting" for that person to become available or interested for YEARS because they're so firmly convinced it was meant to be. In reality, nothing is meant to be. I've seen people stubbornly refuse to get over someone, because they think it would mean that their love wasn't "true" because our mythology of romance claims that "true love never fades." It's all nonsense.

When the timing is right, and the other person meets your mostly unconscious criteria for attraction, you will "fall in love." Sometimes the attraction is more overwhelming than at other times, but the strength of your feelings does not mean it was "meant to be" or that the other person has some special cosmic significance in your life. It just means that all the right factors came together at the same time, resulting in your feelings.

Understanding romantic attachments as a function of your own mind can make it a lot easier to let go when it doesn't work out with someone. You're not giving up on your destiny by letting go; you're not missing a once-in-a-lifetime; you're not bad if you feel better quickly. And no one is worth moping over for more than a couple of days. Let yourself bounce back. It can happen really fast when you let it. :)

This post is darn near perfect. I would "like" it if we had like buttons.

I'm so sorry, defanon. Losing love is so heartbreaking. Allow yourself the time to grieve and work your way through the darkness, loneliness and loss. I know it is a cliche to say that 'this too shall pass', but know that it will. Look forward to new love and you will find it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2014 04:12PM by Sapphire.

If there was anything I learned from my exit process out of Mormonism, it's that feelings are a crappy way to decide if something is "true" or "real," whether we're talking religion, politics, investing, diet plans, career choices, cell phone carriers, or love.

Just because we have an amazing, explosive, brain-melting connection with somebody doesn't mean we get to have a long-term relationship with them. "True love" can implode in your face.

I once found somebody I believed was my soulmate -- somebody who blew hot and cold, played all kinds of passive games with me, faked a future with talk of plans that never happened, swore love while canceling and postponing dates, and did less and less until finally I realized there was nothing left. It was a long, slow fade out but painful in its own way.

Eventually, I figured out that somebody who treated me like that was not my soulmate.

Some people blow hot and cold so you never know where you are with them. They can be addictive because you crave positive attention, and it's like gambling because you only get that attention some of the time, so you keep trying again (like the pigeon experiment).

defanon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm heartbroken. Can this feeling--the feeling
> that someone's your soulmate, that they are meant
> for you, that you're spiritually connected to
> them--be just an illusion? My biggest fear is that
> I'll never feel anything like that again. It's
> taken me to a darker place than I thought
> possible. I don't know what to do.

Yes, but what it mostly is, isn't "illusion" -- it's hormones and chemicals.
Once you understand that fact, and dispense with the "soulmate" idea, then perhaps you can start making more rational choices about the kind of person you'd like to have a long-term relationship with :)

I think that two people can definitely have an extraordinary and intense connection, perhaps like they've never had before or may never have again, but for one reason or another there are things that keep them apart. For example, and I'm not implying this was your situation, but say two people meet and have this type of connection, but one or both of them is married or involved with someone else and they realize they won't and/or can't let things go so far as to threaten their primary relationship. Or what if two people's long-term goals aren't similar and apart from their insane chemistry, they don't really have a lot in common or don't want the same things out of life? There are many reasons why certain relationships are probably not meant to be, and perhaps she saw or felt something about yours in the long term that you couldn't or wouldn't see or acknowledge. Because if it was meant to be, it would've most likely not ended the way it did. It doesn't make it any less painful though. It reminds me of the Howard Jones song, "no one is to blame" because it's about wanting a relationship you can't have.

she didn't deserve you.

Someone who hurts you repeatedly and sends mixed signals isn't healthy, and doesn't deserve an intimate relationship (physical or emotional) with you.

I know it sounds like the most canned response in the world, but you can do better. You deserve to be treated better.

Since you are interested in soulmates, you might be interested in reading about "twin flames." It's a concept that 2 people are halves of one whole. They aren't always of the opposite sex. Their connection is supposed to be very intense, and not always friendly. It's an interesting concept you might want to check out.

I actually have read about that quite a bit and wondered that. But the thing is, I was able to handle the intensity...I can sustain it. I wonder if anyone else will be able to.