I've collected a few key pieces of dating advice to give my teenage daughter for when she is old enough to think about settling down. But one of the best was one I read about just a few months ago: Throw away your list.

Everyone has a list of what they want in a partner. And some things should be considered. If you are an active, outdoor person you wouldn't want to be with a couch potato. Or if you are an animal rights activist you might want to make sure your blind date isn't with a butcher. But once you've established your deal-breakers, then you should throw away your list and not spend your relationship constantly seeing how your partner "measures up." It's more effective at that point to just ask yourself one question: How does this person make me feel?

Do I like myself better? Do they bring out the best in me? Am I happier, more relaxed, more productive? Do I like who I am when I'm around them. Am I laughing more, thinking more, caring more? Am I more the person I want to be? Who am I when I'm with them? Now here is where I go on topic...

We could ask ourselves that around Mormons. Did you feel like a better person hanging out with Mormons (seriously better, not just that your ego was being stroked more.) Did you like the person that you were around Mormons? Did you feel more like yourself? More relaxed? Your best self? If you did, you may need to re-think your decision to leave but I think, bottom line, is most of us like ourselves better now, are happier now, are better people now - now that we are out of a relationship with the church that wasn't in our best interests. I've said this dozens of times but I am amazed by how often I've thought "I don't want to be like you" in regards to the Mormons I know and since you become like the people you hang around the most, it's probably a good thing I left. I don't like who I am around Mormons (my voice gets higher - a sure sign of nervousness, I start saying what I think they want to hear more than what I think, I flip into that "Mormon persona." In general, not my best self.) So that alone is reason to leave them alone. Who were you when you were Mormon and do you like yourself better now, out of your relationship with Mormonism?

A super good post, CA girl.

Three thumbs up!!!

:D

Topping because it's Friday and some people might have dating on the mind.

Yes, I do like myself better now.

When I am around Mormons now I get dizzy and nauseated by so much of what I hear, and there are things I hear that remind me of, well myself, way back when and not quite so much now.

One is the busyness - everyone is rushing to fit this or that in and no one is relaxing and enjoying good laughs and fun together for longer then five minutes. It feels like a whirlwind that never touches the ground. I have definitely seen a world of difference in the way people who are not on the mormon treadmill of rush here, rush there spend and enjoy time.

Another trait that comes to mind is well, that talk is most always about church in one way or another, and is very often about what high position one is serving in as a way to say, yes, I am a very good mormon, can't you see?

And, then there is the gossiping that most Mormons won't even call gossiping because they are talking in a hush-hush meeting about how they can 'help' this or that poor schmuck and they go on and on with throwing him under the bus. And when the meeting is over very few seal their lips.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2014 01:23AM by presleynfactsrock.

The gossiping - definitely. I hated that feeling that I had to perform on script or I'd be judged and "discussed." So I wasn't authentic.

I was like a chameleon, and got along fine in church, for most of my life. It was exactly as CA says, I was too afraid of their judgments and gossip (this is real, folks)t o risk being authentic, or funny, or too creative.

My mother used to comment that my voice would raise an octave higher, when I was talking to Mormons--funny.

Your dating advice is spot-on. This applies to friendships, too. I used to feel very uncomfortable (inside) among the neighborhood RS group. They had married well, and that seemed to bind them together. I had not married well, and was divorced. The women were are are very competitive among themselves. Don't date anyone who makes you feel like you're in competition with other women--all the BYU boys made me feel like that--and it put the boys in control of the girls, like they were a "prize" for whoever won. It was no victory, but I did buy into the lie for a while. I would never give up my happiness now, for anything. A friend or lover would not want me to.

That competitive thing was something I never understood. These women would practically crucify themselves in their quest for perfection then, instead of admiring others who were succeeding at creating the perfect Mormon image, they took every opportunity to rip them to shreds and trash talk them. Why try for a persona that you are bad-mouthing in others.

Great post!

Sadly, my relationship with a Mormon made me answer "no" to pretty much every one of those questions.

Sickens me to think about the wasted time.

I am so out of it when it comes to dating. I have only dated one woman in 49 years. I married her and if, for some strange reason, I had to start dating again I would not have a clue about anything dealing with dating in the 21st century. I think I'd be better off just crawling under a rock.

"Everyone has a list of what they want in a partner. And some things should be considered. If you are an active, outdoor person you wouldn't want to be with a couch potato. Or if you are an animal rights activist you might want to make sure your blind date isn't with a butcher. But once you've established your deal-breakers, then you should throw away your list and not spend your relationship constantly seeing how your partner "measures up." It's more effective at that point to just ask yourself one question: How does this person make me feel?

Do I like myself better? Do they bring out the best in me? Am I happier, more relaxed, more productive? Do I like who I am when I'm around them. Am I laughing more, thinking more, caring more? Am I more the person I want to be? Who am I when I'm with them? "


But I think that's the problem. For most of us this is "the list."

We want someone to make us feel better and make us happy. Unfortunately, it is hard to find that someone, and most unhappy people probably won't change after finding the right person. I have a 26 year old daughter who is getting frustrated with the guys she has dated. I think she is trying too hard to find a certain guy.

Time to figure out how to make yourself happy and not be so dependent. Then find a guy who will fill a few of your needs (opening jars, donating sperm), and be satisfied. Too many looking for their fantasy.

Same with church. A lot of happy people in church, but then they would be happy anywhere. I wasn't happy in church, and leaving didn't solve all my problems.