Hello all. My wife and I had our fourth child just over 3 months ago. It's been a very rocky road since then. She's a stay at home mother and I'm fortunate enough to have a great job that doesn't demand grueling hours. I take time off for doctor's visits, for family events, and have plenty of time to help out with everything before/after work. She handles the majority of baby-related work, I handle a huge amount of the other children-related workload.

Since the birth of our child, I've stepped up and increased my efforts around the home. From doing dishes, cleaning the house, child-care, entertaining the older kids and giving my wife time off nearly every day....I feel like I'm doing everything I can to lighten the load on her.

Despite my best efforts, she is often sad or very angry. The mood swings can be very dramatic and change very quickly. One evening everything is wonderful and laughter....the next morning is seething, angry looks and a wife bringing up past arguments. When this happens, I listen to her. I let her know I'm sorry she's hurting and ask what I can do to help. When she gives suggestions/demands, I have given them consideration and acted on most of them immediately.

Recently the demands have become more difficult. When I don't immediately meet them, she gets upset, cries frequently, and discusses separation. Yikes.

I am approaching this board for any ideas you may have for me. If anybody has suffered PPD (either as the wife or the husband) please let me know of any advice you would share.

To complicate matters, I became the apostate husband in 2013. From her opinion, without the priesthood I'm a fallen man who doesn't care about her or the family. My actions demonstrating otherwise are meaningless....but I am willing to do anything in my power (not willing to return to church) to help her and to show how much I love my young family.

Any helpful ideas?

Your wife needs professional help. Take her to see a doctor and then to see a counselor, preferably one who isn't LDS.

If you are doing all of that you are doing everything you can. It is time to get some advice from a doctor. During maternity visits they bring up PPD so I am sure they see it a lot.

Yes, a doctor is definitely in order - whether it is her obgyn or a GP. And a counselor.

She also might want to read Brooke Shield's book about post partum depression. I can't remember the name of it. It's the one Tom Cruise gave her so much crap about when it came out. I read it and it was really interesting.

Not to scare you, but please get your wife help asap. There have been some bad situations where babies have gotten hurt because their moms had PPD or post-partum psychosis. And some women have killed themselves. Not to say that your wife would to that, but I'm sure you don't want to take the risk.

I think you're doing what you can to be as supportive as possible. I'm impressed.

Post partum blues are difficult. I suffered with my first but thankfully not the second.

When I was in good spirits, DH said, "It's so nice to see you smiling." That helped me.

I always tell kiddies and others that I wish I could give them everything they want and deserve. Good wishes can help.

As I remember, it took a year for me to regain my physical and emotional wellbeing.

When I brought this up as a possibility of the hostilities she felt for me (PPD) and the need to see a doctor, she was extremely upset. It became a blame game where I was the culprit. Any little misdeed on my part becomes a giant ravine separating us now.

So, no. She is unwilling to see a therapist at this time.

If I was an active mormon, I'd talk to her bishop about this and suggest he recieve a revelation for her to get medical help. I'm not and I can't think of a way to get her to accept the need for medical help without us repeating the earlier disaster.

And, from my perspective, when I talked to her about it I was respectful and fact-based. I didn't push the issue or threaten or demean her for what she is suffering.

Helpfulhusband, you really are doing a lot that is right even if your wife isn't able, at this time, to see it.

She really does need professional help. It might be wise for you to consult your doctor and get a referral to speak to a therapist and/or doctor who specialises in PPD. Even though you are not the one with PPD a good specialist can provide you with a strategy in approaching your wife regarding treatment.

Best of luck!

Call her OB's office.

There is nothing wrong in seeking out her home teacher or bishop and ask them to give her a "blessing of comfort." Ask her if you can do this for her. When you discuss it, tell him a little about your fears that she has PPD, though she is sensitive at the mention of it, but that you hope she will seek out professional help and counselling. You may not believe in the power of blessings, but your wife does. It can be a great help for her to not only be comforted in the moment, but to be more open to the idea of getting help for herself.

Her hormones could be seriously out of whack. Yes, PPD is a concern. I would get her help without delay.

Sounds like she needs a good check up and tests to find out what is going on and the sooner the better. Mood swings, are an indication that something is "off".

HopefulHusband:
Let us know if she goes to the doctor and gets diagnosed and treated.
I think this is where the answer lies.
She is probably exhausted, depleted, running on empty.

Best wishes.

It's very hard with a bunch of kids. I had a handful under 10 and hubby worked long hours or out of town much of the time.

How does she manage at church with a baby and 3 other young children???

"but I am willing to do anything in my power (not willing to return to church) to help her and to show how much I love my young family."

SHE NEEDS HELP ON THE PEW DURING SM. If she has to leave to feed the baby, someone (you) needs to monitor the other 3. Or did I miss something?
The LDS church is her source of spirituality. Support her in it. You don't have to "return to church" in your beliefs, just help her out.

This last child is nearly 6 years after our last....the children range from deacon to 6. They are well behaved kids.

I get the children ready (despite their protests to stay home) and have atteneded to help. I prefer not to go and often don't.

I appreciate your comment and will consider it....what I'm not willing to do is return to being Mormon.

I think we miscommunicated and I came across as a deadbeat. Every other week the boys stay home with me. I'll take your suggestion to support her spiritually by helping with kids in the pew every other week. That's a fair challenge.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 04:49PM by hopefulhusband.

Sounds great. Best wishes.

Consider getting couples' dialectical therapy to help with communication. There are seminars and books or find a trained counselor. Language is a tool that can help all marriages or partnership. Or be a source of frustration. You are both going through many changes.

I agree with other posters that the PPD needs to be dealt with first. It's amazing how a woman's body makes tremendous adjustments during pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding (or not breastfeeding), and for a few years after. Three months post partum was sometimes a tough time for me.

You seem very caring and have your priorities in order. Keep up the good work.

Releve's idea to inform her mother is a very good suggestion.

Thank you! I will try to bring this up....I'll certainly look into it myself.

A book somebody here recommended in a non-related thread (the 4 agreements) has been a huge help for me. It helps me from defending my opinions, not bringing past pain into the present, and calmly dealing with the drama others create.

This book/idea may be my saving grace through this experience....

Consider an intervention. Based on her actions, something is seriously wrong. I know when I get to the point where I suddenly act like your wife is acting, life becomes like a scary game. She needs help and she needs to understand that she is not herself when she's having dramatic mood swings. I've learned to separate my rational thoughts from my emotional thoughts in time, which helps immensely, but I wouldn't have gotten to that point if someone hadn't helped me understand that I wasn't acting like myself. Small intervention.

I had PPD after baby Nr 2 and had to be put on meds. It went away after a few months.

She should be going in soon for an OB/GYN checkup. Go with her to that appointment and bring up your concern to the doctor. As her husband, you can even call her doctor and express concern. They may have a nurse call to check on her recovery after the birth and recommend she come in for a checkup.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/22/2014 05:20PM by braindead.

You don't mention her extended family. Does her mother know that she is suffering? Depression sometimes runs in families and her mother may have dealt with this issue herself or with another daughter. Can you arrange a short visit to her parents home with just the baby? Most moms offer to help with a new baby at the time the child is born and don't realize that PPD can occur several months after the birth.

releve Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Does her
> mother know that she is suffering?

Exactly what I was going to say. Call her mom. And her sisters if she has any. If she won't talk to a therapist, she'll talk to them.

;O)

Tell her you are both seeing a marriage counselor or you are leaving. Give her a short term deadline.

You don't have to tolerate being treated like s__t.

Yes, post-partum depression, I'd bet money on it. Get her to a naturepathic doctor for vitamin B shots, SAMe, and other things to help her a) overcome the depression and b) be able to avoid medication while breast-feeding. I did this and 6 weeks later I was feeling like myself again. Or if she's not breast-feeding, she can take prescription anti-depressants if she'd prefer that.

It sounds to me like you're really stepping up to help. I wish my TBM husband had done that. Best wishes to you both.

I cried hysterically at the drop of a hat forints after my second baby was born. I was much older - mid-30s - and just had a harder time. I also didn't bounce back as fast from sleep deprivation and nursing demands. My husband tried to help but honestly I wasn't responding normally. A Disney movie made me cry for an hour. Do what you can to help her eat, sleep, and get out of the house - maybe for a weekly girl's night, a class, trip to the supermarket, manicure... It does help.

In my case, things gradually improved over a few months. Same for a friend of mine. But if you don't see that happening in a couple of weeks, see if a sister, mom, or friend agrees and can help you convince her to consider getting medical help.

Is she nursing, and sleep deprived? Or having to get up ALL night long?

I would try having a night nurse for 2-3 weeks, see if it helps. Sleep deprivation is horrible, and even if you're wonderful (which it sounds like you are) -- if you're working, and she's getting up all night long, she's going to be messed up.

Thanks to all the advice and sympathy. She is nursing and up a lot....I only watch the kiddo a night or two a week. (she does get a daily nap and 2 hour naps on sat/sun while I watch the kids!).

I will keep keeping on and talk to her doctor at our next visit. Unfortunately, there is a stigma about depression in this society and I wish there wasn't....

Thanks for all the kind advice. I honestly will internalize this and try to get her help and provide more husbandly assistance.

My daughter had her first baby a month ago, and has had one complication after another since the birth. She went on anti depressants a week ago, and it's helped.

I have been staying with her every other day. I help do physical things that she can't do. I give the baby her bath,and watch the baby while mom takes a shower. I do a few things around the house. My goal next week is to get her out and about to the grocery store and other public places with the baby. She is gradually coming around, but has a ways to go. Having a baby changes every minute of a woman's life. Everything from your clothing, diet, social life, marriage, sleep schedule, etc. changes. There isn't one single minute of your day that doesn't change. It's a HUGE transition. It doesn't matter if it's your first or your 10th. Having a baby changes your body, mind, life, relationships, and anything else you can think of. It's no small thing.

As a mother myself, I recall feeling too overwhelmed to do daily things like taking a shower, grocery shopping, etc. I had no help or support. My husband had a new job and was commuting home on the week-ends. I was home alone 24/5. I don't know how I made it through all that.

Everyone has their own opinions and ideas, but I think you should think long and hard before you have more children. This last one sounds like it has thrown your wife for a loop. She obviously isn't taking it well. Hopefully her body and mind will get back in to balance soon. It sounds like some medical intervention could be a big help.

One of my closest friends, and her sister, both have suffered from PPD. In two cases (after the first birth for each of them), it was severe enough that they might have harmed their babies had family not intervened right away. They were both helped more than anything by medication.

If your wife won't see a therapist, hopefully she at least has an appointment soon with her OB-GYN or with your baby's pediatrician. Be sure to go with her and mention the PPD to the doctor (since it sounds like your wife may be in denial about how much she's suffering). You sound like a wonderfully loving and supportive man, but sometimes chemical imbalances require chemistry to fix, at least in part.

I do think your wife may need to seek some help. I speak as someone who's struggling with PPD currently.

She may get angry about it (and remember... it's the hormones being out of whack), but gently suggest that you are concerned she's struggling with depression, and that you really think she should talk to her doctor. Tell her you want to help her, you want her to feel better. You may need to mention it to the doctor directly because your wife might not be willing to. Many OB/GYN offices have a poll they give mothers at their post-partum checkups to see how they're feeling to try to filter some of the mothers who have gone beyond baby blues into depression. (after 3-4 weeks, it's more likely depression).

It takes a LOT of strength to admit PPD. There's this pressure as a new mom (regardless of whether it's your 1st or 10th) that you should be so happy, that everything is wonderful because you have a baby. The reality is that those first few months can be hell. You have a lovely new baby - but the interaction is non-existent at that point. It's all give, give, give, and it's draining. But if you dare ask other moms for advice/help because you're sad or miserable, you get horrified looks in return. (so you stop asking, and just wallow).

The first three months I felt absolutely trapped. I'd burst into tears for no reason besides frustration at the monotony of it all. It's a lot of sitting around - but it's FORCED because you have to care for the infant. During cluster feedings, it gets worse because you just feel like the baby's always attached to the breast (and often is).

It does get better with time... but medication definitely can help get that underlying pressure off so she can think a bit more rationally. It's a long road. My son's 16 months, and while I love him to bits, the depression still creeps in sometimes.

Hugs to you and your wife... I hope that she's able to get the help she needs.