Looked through my posting list today to recollect what I had been doing here. Wow, what a mess! I remember that I posted stupid and explicit and offensive topics that the moderators removed. I apologize and are sorry for doing that! I been so emotional the past two years but finally I found some pieces that made lots of things make sense to me. I still drink a lot but I know I can control my emotions and take responsibility for my actions. I accept hangovers :)


I accept myself, I accept that life can be quite unhappy sometimes, I accept that I do not have to be perfect, I can look into my mirror without feeling shame, I do not take on more unearned guilt anymore and allow myself to enjoy small things in life as I want to. The people who made me feel uncomfortable in my life are out of the social context. I do not participate in social occasions that very likely will enable the old mental patterns. I do not care if I am shunned on the street and I done my best to stay away from places locally where I could get into trouble.

It is possible to get out of it. It took many trials. My posts here on the forum got a trollish nature over it from time to time, but honestly most of the times it felt like I got a bug in the brain that would not go away. It frustrated me and I got so much pent up emotion that I did not know what to do. I just had to get something out. If I was sexually frustrated I wrote some explicit posts here, but what can a guy do that have not allowed himself to accept his sexuality for years? For years I only had a hard on about two times a year. That was not normal for a young man. Wow, I wasted my sex-life when I was a teen and in my twenties. Young adults, if you are reading this! Sexual drive and sexual biology is natural, it is supposed to work and it is normal to have a sex drive. Do not suppress it.

Allow yourself also to enjoy books, movies, music that open your mind and curiosity. It will make you smarter, do not build mental walls around you against the world. It will knock the walls down eventually. Better live in the open real world than the closed mental world from the beginning.

Everything is possible to change. Thank you and good luck!