After leaving here a year ago, I am on here again under a new name. Apparently I thought I was okay, but now I realize I still need the advice and help. I am having a hard time. I want to feel peace from my past, but I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I am "sunset girl" because that is the time of day that I love the most. The world looks softer to me at sunset.

Hi sunset girl,

Sending you a sunset song link, Thinking of you today, near sunset here.

https://archive.org/details/Sunset_4

:)

Sorry to hear you're not doing okay. What seems to be the problem?

Saree,
also a lover of sunsets

What I did was to change my thinking, shut off the negativity completely especially of the past, and live in the present focusing on what kind of World View I wanted for myself. I did that by focusing on gratitude for everything in my life.

I also changed myself talk to positive and supportive. I was fine. I would use my self confidence, and self respect while taking my power back and owning it. I refused to give anyone the power to negatively impact my thinking or my life. That eliminated any self-sabotage and needless suffering.

I applied a few principles also that are very powerful.
I like this one: The Second Agreement from The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz

Don’t take anything personally.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/06/06/the-second-agreement-dont-take-anything-personally/


That’s the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.”

I need a reminder today. So I open his book to that chapter and read:

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….

I gave myself time to revamp my life. I got involved in other activities to fill the time I had spent in the LDS Church. Some of that was taking classes. Meeting new people.

I'm a strong advocate of our personal power especially in directing the course of our daily life.

You'll get there. You find the tools that work for you.
I shared a few of mine.

It must be the recent General Conference. And, I am really hating this new Getting To Know The Mormons movie. I am so tired of hearing from my aunt and my mom about how perfect Mormonism is.

sunsetgirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It must be the recent General Conference. And, I
> am really hating this new Getting To Know The
> Mormons movie. I am so tired of hearing from my
> aunt and my mom about how perfect Mormonism is.


You can't control other people, as you know, and what they talk about, you can control your own reaction, and your own thinking. You can accept that their ideas are about them, not you and in my case, I like to change the subject or leave the room if necessary. Find something else to do.

No matter how many movies tscc creates trying to repackage and distort the truth of tscc they can't unring the bell. Those of us who have seen through and found the truth can't un-learn it. Not a fun path, but remember that living a good life and having our own spirituality and joy is all that is needed.

I've been thinking. These are things that I've done since leaving the church 3 1/2 yrs ago....
1. Attended my niece's wedding reception, not letting the stares of the TBM's get to me.
2. Attended a family reunion. I stowed some liquor for those camping nights that I had to listen to church stories/testimonies around the campfire.
3. Listened to my mom rant about how I'd left the church, and then calmly hung up the phone.
4. Took my two kids to numerous science museums.
5. Held my head high when my SIL told me that she'd told her kids how sad it was that I'd left the church.
6. Sang at my grandmother's funeral, in front of 90% TBMs.
7. Made it through two major health scares, without a priesthood blessing.
8. Used my extra 10% income to buy a car, invest in retirement, pay down a student loan and go on vacation.

sunsetgirl
You're doing great! Keep it up! Take your power back and own it!

You're doing wonderfully, Sunsetgirl. General Conference can be a traumatic time for exmos. That's what the board is here for. We keep the lights on for you. :)

It is likely that you do not feel at peace with your past because you see it as a negative. If you can find a way to make your past a positive, a way to make it a source of strength, hope, inspiration, etc. then you can make it a positive.

It takes accepting the past as part of what makes you who you are today.

Thank you. Its hard to accept your past sometimes.

I read through what you are doing and I am really impressed with you! All of your moves are positive and wonderful for your personal well being. My mother died when she was 96 and I was frequently caring for her. Occasionally she would launch into a little testimony meeting (I had been out for over 20 years at that point) and I was able to hear her with complete love. It helped to have Episcopalian friends tell me that they prayed for the Mormons to be released from their chains of bondage...LOL...and my Jewish friends describe the social structure of tscc to be like worker bees feeding the Queen bees...and when I was able to disconnect the emotional buttons that tscc had apparently installed on my chest and see the mormons through the eyes of an outsider I was able to be confident in my own place and beliefs. My Mom told me how sad she was that I would not be with our family in the eternal existence and I told her she could visit me in the terrestrial (sp?) floor any old time and that sincerely, if I believed that I was not going to see her in the afterlife I would be a mormon but I just didn't share that belief. We were actually able to converse when I became confident enough to just say with love that I wish I could believe it, but I just didn't believe it.

I have had many, similar conversations with my mom. I told her there is no threat that I will not see her in an afterlife. If it does exist, the "Mormon version" makes the least amount of sense..at all. Sometimes, I bring up changes within the Lds church (blood oaths), endowment changes. She totally agreed it is wierd the true rituals don't remain the same.

Wow. You are all so correct. General Conference brings out the trauma and the drama. I really needed people telling me that I am a good person.

You don't know my history. You don't know my life. You don't even know who I am. But, you still root for me.

Thank you, thank you.

And really, the only thing that brings me grief is interacting with people who don't have respect or boundaries for my change of beliefs.

With time, that will get better. You've been out 3.5 years. Which is fairly recent in the scheme of life. Family is still probably thinking you are going through a phase or something. I think the best thing you can do is just reinforce the idea that you are not going back, that this was a conscious choice, and that they have no say in the matter. You might even tell them directly that because they have no power over your decision, they bear absolutely no responsibility for it.

I say this, because Mormons get the idea that they are responsible to bring people back, and that they should never stop trying. But if they realize they will have no effect, except to make you more irritated at the church for interfering in the relationship, then they will hopefully see that it would be better to keep the relationship alive and stop bugging you about it.

This is where you set boundaries. You say "I've made my decision, and I'm not talking about this again." And change the subject. Sometimes you have to be super firm, or end the conversation. Sometimes you fight fire with fire: if they bring up something about the church, tell them what you really think, or what the real history was, or whatever. Soon, they won't WANT to bring it up.

BTW, the way you were talking with your mother (or was it your grandmother) about the afterlife is a great idea. If you can really get them imagine the way it's supposed to be in the next life, it quickly breaks down because it just doesn't make sense. Frankly, it's immoral to break up families because someone doesn't believe. That would be punishing TBM parents with losing their "wayward" kids. How could that be heaven?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/13/2014 12:57AM by imaworkinonit.