My husband and I left the church together. He drinks now. I can't stand alcohol. I don't like the flavor, and the one time I got half a glass of wine down, I couldn't think straight. So he has his beer or whatever is his fancy alone.

It makes me sad at times that we can't enjoy something like that together. Then I remember that we are different people. I'm slowly coming out of my mold, and he from his. I have plans for life besides being a housewife, mother, grandmother. I'm going back to college for a degree or two. We are both emerging, but even so we are emerging as very different people. I love him more than ever. He loves me more than ever.

I'm thinking you have a hard time doing things without a built in companion. I think this might indicate that you are not comfortable with who you are. You are not comfortable with yourself or by yourself. I think, before you make any rash decisions about your marriage, that you solve your own problem first. Even if you left your wife, you wouldn't automatically get somebody to do stuff with. If you are lonely, there's nothing wrong with finding a group or friend to do stuff with. Above all though, you need to be ok with yourself being you.

Also, your wife is stuck in a cult. Now there are lots of Mormon women who don't fit the mold thoroughly. Some have careers, friends, and hobbies outside the norm. Your wife could use your encouragement to see that her personal thoughts are ok. That she is ok.

Find things to do together that you both enjoy. She doesn't want to gamble, fine, but what about a romantic getaway to the beach? Also, there are other things to do in Vegas besides gambling. See a show or experience a dinner show. She doesn't want to drink, fine, but what if you get her some nice virgin fruit drinks while you have an alcoholic one?BTW, drink mixers can easily mix with seltzer or ginger ale.

Let her experiment with new things while you experiment with new things.Get her a cup of hot cocoa while you have a cup of coffee - and yes coffee houses sell hot chocolate. A cup of herbal tea while you try black tea. She might even be curious about what it tastes like to you (and even vindicated a bit if you think it tastes nasty the first time), what it feels like to be drunk if you do it discreetly and only with her. To be honest, the truth serum side effect can be pretty funny/informative.

You are not the same person. You don't have to like or do the same things. If you like to do things together though, there are ways to accomplish it and for both of you to try new things. Being free from the cult doesn't mean you have to do/enjoy all the previously banned stuff. It means you are free. You are free to see the world differently. You are free to be yourself. You are free to love your wife in a way she deserves. You are free to see her with non-cult eyes. You are free to help her see herself as a seperate person than the cult and to gain her own identity. You are free to help your wife enjoy life even as you learn to enjoy it.

You have no guarantees that life will be any better without your wife. If you give her up, you are giving up all the good as well as the bad. You will be giving up on her.Your wife is not the church. You have this wonderful opportunity to help her see that as well as learning to see it for yourself. If it's worth it, if she's worth it, don't give up without a good honest effort. At the very least, get to know yourself and get settled in your own routine before making any final decisions.

I'm with thingsithink from the previous thread:

"I'm at a loss at the chorus who thinks you should live a lonely, miserable existence simply because you married someone."

It's true that your original and follow-up posts didn't specify any sort of abuse on her part, but I think lmontr33's first post in this continuation thread is also useful.

It's your decision. If she didn't care if you got divorced right now, would you actually want to? What about finding some guy friends to hang out with when you want to drink or go gamble? Why not test her boundaries as a believer and see how much of the "real" you she is willing to put up with? I put "real" in quotes because learning who you really are is going to take a lot longer that you have thus far given it.

Bring the free-thinkers into your personal circle and see how she handles it. If she starts telling you what you can do on your own time, or with whom you are allowed to associate, then you've got a different and very revealing set of complaints.

It's a painful process. Welcome to your new ward.

Sometimes there is nothing as lonely as being in a poor fit of a relationship. Sometimes we need a distance to work on ourselves.

I think some great advice has been given in the first few posts in this thread. In the end, OP has to decide for himself what is most important. I think one thing NormaRae said is important, if you leave thinking that another relationship is the silver bullet, you will be disappointed.

Discussion on you being selfish, a douche, or anything like that is petty name calling and doesn't get to the heart of the matter. There is no reason you should stay, no matter how shallow, selfish, or any reasoning is, if you aren't happy. It is besides the point, it isn't helpful to just tell you to shutup and learn to be happy with your marriage as is, when you are capable of changing the situation (through divorce or otherwise). It just seems like the OP's post tapped some sensitive and exposed nerves.

I think some people are getting hung up on the "want to gamble or drink" bit of my OP. Those are just examples of a bigger problem. I didn't know I liked those things because I never tried those things while in the cult. Now that I am out, I have different tastes and attractions. I find it hard to believe that those who left the church find that hard to believe.

Let me briefly describe my relationship in the church. I'm sure you've all heard it before. Born and raised in a strict LDS family. Encouraged to go on a mission instead of college. Once I returned home, encouraged to marry the girl that waited for me. I dated very few women before getting married at the ripe ole age of 21. So when I say my tastes have changed, what I'm really saying is I didn't know what my tastes were in the first place. I was basically marrying who the church said I needed to marry.

Now that I am out, can think for myself, I find attractions that are different than what the church told me I should be attracted to. Because my TBM spouse has remained relatively the same person, which in her case is the perfect member that she was raised to believe she should become, we are now on different paths.

That's not to say I don't love her, I do. That I don't respect her decision making, I do. That I don't value who she is, I do. It's just when I think about what I want in a spouse now that I no longer rely on the church to tell me what my spouse should be, I find that I am attracted to different attributes that my current spouse lacks. I find attractiveness in confidence, in adventure, in blazing your own path. What the church does to many, including my spouse, it owns who they are. It tells them to obey, to suppress, to submit to what the church tells them to be.

I find that I am not attracted to the Mormon lifestyle. Since my TBM spouse is living the Mormon lifestyle, we lack compatibility.

Again, I respect her and love her and want her to have all the happiness this life can offer. But does that make us a good couple or just good friends?

If you can divorce and remain friends that makes you both kinder than most.