Today was the day; I decided to tell my parents that my Wife and I are going to be leaving the church. I’m still not sure why I did it because I was going to wait a little longer; I guess I just got sick of pretending like I’m active around them. Just for some clarifying details, my Wife and I are in our mid-twenties and have recently graduated college.

So the conversation started when my Dad asked me why I didn’t wear a white shirt to church this past Sunday; I told him I didn’t think it mattered and I highly doubt Jesus would care, as long I was there. He took my response as some kind of bitter sarcasm and immediately got defensive. This eventually spiraled into a discussion fueled by politics and religion, where I basically told my parents I see nothing wrong with gay marriage and legalization of marijuana (probably the two biggest issues that they always complain about whilst quoting Rush Limbaugh). My Mom then informed me of how she REALLY feels about gays and lesbians by telling me she thought the church was too lenient with them. Wow…just wow.

My parents have known for some time that I have had issues with church history and other aspects of TSCC, but I decided to open up the floodgates and tell them that I was going to go all-out and remove my name from church records. Looking back, I don’t think I handled this as well as I could have, and the results were just disastrous. My Dad immediately started yelling about my parents having feelings too and that we can’t just go and break their hearts like this. They started crying and said that Satan has deceived me and compared viewing “anti-Mormon” literature to a porn addiction. At this point I stopped trying to talk and just stared at them and the floor, shaking my head as they continued their tirade of guilt.

They stated that I was stopping my brothers and sisters from being happy by choosing this path; how that makes any sense is beyond me. They repeated the same phrase over and over again: “If you follow through with this decision, you will never find true happiness and will realize one day that you have made a terrible mistake.”

So let me get this straight: if I refuse to be Mormon (which includes having a church calling, paying 10% of my income, wearing ridiculous clothing and participating in secret handshakes and passwords) then I will NEVER be happy in my life and NOTHING good will ever happen to me? Well, that’s funny, because I stopped wearing garments over a year ago, and my life has been going pretty great.

Needless to say, there is absolutely no point in arguing with TBMs because they are too ingrained with their own doctrine to ever consider the other side’s point of view. The conversation did not end well, and I left feeling horrible; not because I felt I was doing the wrong thing by leaving the church, but because of the sadness knowing that my parents will go to their graves believing in this fraud.

I don’t believe in god, Jesus, heaven or hell, but I hope the leaders of this cult get what they deserve one way or another.

True love and devotion is flexible, ever shifting, and unconditional. The faster you get to a sense of peace and happiness, the more likely they will join you there too, in my experience. And if they don't, they're responsible for their own happiness...you don't have to carry that burden.

I say this from the perspective of a son who has disappointed his own parents, and as a father who has experienced his own share of disappointments with his own adult children. I've chosen to get over those, and love my kids as much as ever, if not more. I hope you find the same with your family.

Wow! If their response doesn't scream "CULT!" I don't know what would.

This started because of not wearing a white shirt?

Once you get used to wearing a non-white shirt, you eventually move onto harder stuff like checks and stripes. Before long, you'll start wearing things like shorts and sandals, and then your wardrobe choices will fall apart completely.

Haha. Excellent response.

LMAO

I'm buying a "wife beater" this weekend. Cus I like to beat my wife while wearing it.

tokens4sale - GQ is right. You aren't responsible for your parents happiness. This just happened tonight too. After a while, they may accept it (not be happy about it) but accept it. You are their son and they love you. If they don't come around ever, it is too bad, but you can't be on a guilt trip forever. As far as your siblings are concerned, they are each responsible for their own happiness too. Keep us posted. You have us, remember that.

They probably saw no garment lines and went nuts about it. Their reaction is over the top. What is it with white shirts anyway?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2014 12:25AM by verilyverily.

Hey tokens.

Props for coming out. That took a lot of guts. I had an almost identical experience with my parents earlier this year with my dad screaming in my wife's face telling her that we would be divorced in a year. Etc. Etc.

I feel for ya man.

Sounds like your parents came from the kimball era. Mine are totally on the same page about teh gheys. They don't get how the church is going with it. My dad is still furious with the Boy Scouts and how the church is supporting them.

Johnny,

I swear I know you in real life. Who are you? We need to have a Collin County/Dallas Exmo meeting so you can reveal yourself.

Muahaha! I am the man in the shadows. Hahaha. Actually, give me an email account and I'll message you.

There's a couple other Collin county peeps on here that wanted to meet up but the threads got closed to soon.

He cursed you, your own father put a curse on you.
Mine did too. It's a tough road to travel down but there is no other choice. I bless you with happiness, to cancel the curse.

So sorry to hear about thus. It's very sad how membership is more important than anything else but most of us know where all that indoctrination comes from.

Your parents' reaction is exactly why I haven't told my mother. We live in different states so it's easier. I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to have it be the center of all our conversations.

I know if we lived closer I would have to tell her. Hang in there. From what I have seen with others, they will eventually calm down and hopefully not dwell on it with you. Good luck.

When you believe in a god that is constantly putting curses on people (so Satanic and evil), of course you have the right to put curses on people too.

LDS Inc is too lenient toward homosexuals!? Your mom has a very serious koolaide addiction. Good Lard!

I think a train wreck was pretty much inevitable. The worst part of the wreck is over and the cars are upside down with their wheels spinning in the air. Cleanup will take years, but it won't be as bad as the wreck.

I feel for you. I remember that conversation. Sigh.

I'm sorry it didn't go well with your parents but I am glad for you and your wife that you know you are doing what is best for you.

It hurts to see another person in emotional pain but your parents are adults and you are not responsible for how they feel about your choices. I'd venture to say that even if you had been able to tell your parents in the calmest kindest way that you don't believe their reaction would be the same.

I can imagine how horrible it is for you to think your parents will go to their grave believing in the Church but that is what they believe and sadly doesn't sound like they will be open to listening to a different viewpoint.

Hopefully as your parents have time to adjust to this they will be able to see the good son you are. I don't expect it will be easy for you. Hope you can find some middle ground where you both can have your own beliefs but still maintain a relationship if that is what you want.

These occurrences just never end.. whether it be between spouses, between parents and children, between siblings, or between friends, it's always so sad to hear, and see how blinded people are by TSCC. I hope your parents will come around once they get over the initial shock (yes, that was probably a "shock and awe" approach, but conversations tend to devolve that way).

While the temple experience™ is the most obviously cultish thing about TSCC, what it does to relationships is the most devious, and the most incredible considering TSCC prides itself of being a "Christian church".

My TBM brother also compared my DW and me researching church history to looking at porn, or having an affair. It was sickening.

You can read about it in my exit story posted on mormonthink.com under 'personal stories'/Lance M i l e s

Dealing with a TBM family can be very frustrating but great job on standing up for yourself!

Your parents reaction is exactly why I have kept my name-removal from my aged parents. I didn't WANT to have my name removed from the records of the church at the time that it happened (over 3 years ago) but the missionaries kept pestering me and my never-mo husband so I had it done. I've been fearful of the day my parents and/or family finds out just because I know how much it will hurt them and I wanted to wait until after my parents passed but that wasn't how it worked out unfortunately.

I think your parents will see, in time, that you are the same loving, kind person you've always been and that you are happy and getting along well outside of the church. It may ease their unhappiness but, unfortunately, it will never go away. Our parents think they've lost us for eternity and that that is THEIR fault...It's a terrible burden for them, but it is a burden and worry THEY must carry, not us. We've done nothing wrong. Give it some time and just continue to try to be the same son you've always been, minus the religion. Good luck to you and please know you're not alone in any of this. Write as often as you need to, here on the board. There are many here that offer love and acceptance.

Most Mormons are secretly miserable. Notice that they tried to make you feel miserable, too. Mormons like to say that non-Mormons aren't truly happy. But a loving parent should just be happy if you're happy. Instead, Mormons have to convince you that you're actually unhappy. That's how cults behave.

Now that you've outed yourself to your parents, it's time to start living life your way. Enjoy your new-found freedom. Avoid getting sucked back into theological debates. After all, you can't debate TBMs when their entire believe system depends on suspending science, historical facts, etc.

In short time, your Mormon family will be mad jealous of your free time, extra money, travel opportunities, and general happiness in life. That's what happened to me. Sure, they try to convince themselves that family indexing night, cleaning the church on Saturdays, and being burned out from a million meetings and callings is true happiness. But they'll wish deep down they had a tiny fraction of the peace and happiness you have in life.

Making their happiness contingent on your behavior is a big mistake. A mature adult does not do this. A mature adult takes responsibility for their own happiness based on their own life. The cult has kept your parents trapped in a kiddie mentality. Props to you for growing up. It is crushing to have parents treat you that way, but at least you know that it is because of the evil that is the Mormon church. The brainwashing has kept them from developing unconditional love. It is really twisted.

"My Dad immediately started yelling about my parents having feelings too and that we can’t just go and break their hearts like this."

I got this EXACT SAME guilt trip. It's all about who you hurt, not what's best for you, right? It's all about EVERBODY ELSE, not the person making the decision.

THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!



Tell them that (assuming arguendo that Mormonism is true) if you were to continue to go through the motions, you will still fail to make the Celestial Kingdom because YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT!!! So, you may as well leave the Church and live a good life, because you will end up in the telestial kingdom no matter what. They can just come visit you.

"Tell them that (assuming arguendo that Mormonism is true) if you were to continue to go through the motions, you will still fail to make the Celestial Kingdom because YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT!!! So, you may as well leave the Church and live a good life, because you will end up in the telestial kingdom no matter what. They can just come visit you."

OR, tell that that you don't WANT to get to the CK and be a polygamous god. Wanting to become god?...sounds a bit like mormon Satan's plan.

Just do not say you handled it badly. You didn't at all. You could have timed it and phrased it any way you wanted and the result would have been the same. Perhaps a little more spread out instead of the "kablowie" reaction you got.

My story was much the same. I had no intention of telling my father--furthest thing from my mind. (forty years ago btw) I was home and was told he was giving priesthood interviews and I just let him since I was programmed to say yes still.

He asked me if I was still attending church, and that was it. The floodgates just opened before I even thought if I wanted them open or not. It was beyond traumatic. Of course I came out as gay at the same time which factored in like Salt in a wound.

But back to you. Of course they had the knee-jerk hysterics that are not based in any kind of reason or coherent thinking.

After all these years, I am so glad that my coming out happened like it did, because like yours it was real, and raw and in the moment and everyone's true self surfaced, like it or not. That is a great moment no matter how unsettling. Anyway, that is how I feel.

I am just so happy any time to read about someone finding that moment where you just say "This Is MY LIFE."

in the basic spirituality department. Just the fact that you have decided to be an individual rather than a Morgbot you are advancing ahead of them.

Be prepared to perform reverse parenting as you will soon look upon them as being childish and narrow minded. You will eventually adopt a calm sense of empathy, respect and understanding of the position they have chosen to stick themselves in. You will eventually become quite patient with them as you await their own "great awakenings."

Congrats on expanding your view of the universe and your life in it.

The lack of a white shirt is an indicator that the Church no longer is in control of you and your thinking. That's a danger sign to leaders and parents which is why it was the first thing your Dad picked up on. He knew what that non white shirt meant, you were no longer controlled.

Congrats on getting a difficult conversation out of the way. It seems like every time we hear stories such as these on RfM there's always the threat that "you'll never know true happiness." And that's never been the case. Everyone always comes back and says how much happier they are out of mormonism, and how much closer their family has become. One of the best ways to deal with people like your parents is to make sure they are aware of how much happier you are away from the cult.

If you continue to get pressure from your parents you can always quote the 11th article of faith back to them ("We believe in worshipping almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscious and allow ALL men the same privilege ..."). I'd love to say something like, "How come you're not following the teachings of Joseph Smith? You must be looking at porn on the internet." (It all comes back to porn, you know.)

The only people you are responsible for is you and your wife. If your parents are unhappy with your decision that's their problem, not yours. They need to put on their big boy and big girl pants and deal with it. And you're not responsible for your brothers and sisters.

You've got one of the worst parts over with. Prepare yourself for an abundance of happiness and peace of mind.

P.S. I left the cult 18 years ago and I've yet to come to a realization that I've "made a terrible mistake." In fact it's been the opposite - one of the best things I've ever done.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2014 10:55AM by bezoar.

I'm just so happy that you and your wife are getting out together. Trust me on this one, your parents are wrong. Dead Wrong! You will find much happiness. I'm convinced that when TBM family reacts like this it is because it threatenes their own testimony.

I've had family members tell me I'm really just miserable. They need so badly to convince themselves of that because if they admitted how much happier I OBVIOUSLY am then when I was mormon, it just doesn't fit into their paradigm. Or the best one was, "you're so miserable and you just don't know it." LOL. Well, as long as I don't know it, as long as this misery is disguised as happiness, I'm a pretty happy camper.

There are still many things in my life that I wish were different. There are relationships that are still very strained. And you will probably always have those also. But embrace the peace, the joy, the love of life that will be so much more present now. And don't force the relationships. They will settle wherever they find calm waters, and accept that and be at peace.

Congrats on coming out. Hopefully things will calm down quickly. I don't think there is a positive way of telling it. For TBM those news will always hurt.

It may sound trite, but it's a great truth of the human psyche: the more insecure one is, the more crushing the need to control others. I am glad that the two of you are freeing yourselves at such a young age. Long and fulfilling life to the both of you.

Oh, and whatever you're selling your tokens for? - I'll sell 'em for 10% less. :D

Meaning that for most people who leave, it's their TBM relatives who won't quit bugging them about leaving who cause the unhappiness.

I went through this too. When we left in 1998, my elderly mother wept and wailed about it until she died in 2011. I had tried to tell her over the years why we left, but of course she wouldn't hear it. I was her baby of 12 children, and the only one to serve a mission, hold leadership callings, etc. I was her church "star" whom she could brag about to her church friends.

A coupla years before she died---she woulda been 91-92 or so---we had a birthday party at her house, with dozens of family members gathered in her living room. Someone asked her "Grandma, is there anything else you want for your birthday?" She looked across at me and said "Yes, I want my son Randy to come back to the church." After an awkward second of silence, fortunately one of my TBM sisters told her "Well that ain't gonna happen, so let's talk about something else."

Thanks, Janis! :-)