Started with my going to the MHU for suicidal thoughts and tendencies and this month isn't any better ending.
I have had it confirmed that I not only have Major Depressive Disorder, but also some bipolar thrown in there and...
I will have to fight this fight for the rest of my God Damn Life
Because my body doesn't have the ability to create serotonin and dopomine at a level that will keep me from having suicide ideation.
I actually was okay when I went to a conference earlier this month, but then when I got home I came crashing down hard and my wife was thinking of putting me back in the MHU.
I have been taking the meds they gave me to lift me up for 4 weeks now. It really sucks because sometimes I can't differentiate between my logical thinking and my stinkin thinkin.
It has been making me think a lot about LDS teachings on suicide. So if you commit suicide you are committing a sin next to murder right? You are killing yourself... And yet God (if he exists) creates people who can't produce the chemicals needed to give them a will to live. How is that FAIR? I know, life isn't FAIR, and we are each given challenges to try and test us, and God has given me the test of constantly getting thoughts in my head that for the betterment of society and everyone else...I should kill myself, because I would be doing the right thing.
Make me wonder if Nephi was hearing voices in his head telling him he needed to kill Laban because he was lacking a chemical in his brain.
It royally sucks because I used to have dreams about doing such and such and accomplishing this or that. Now I think about what would be the best method when I kill myself in the future.
I mean it's not like I have nothing to live for either. I have a good wife, good kids, a business...yet these thoughts keep popping in there. It get very tiring battling them each day.
I wish there was a God, because either a. I need him, or b. I'd like to beat the shit out of him right now.
It sucks to want to kill yourself when the sun is shining (which I think I have season affective too, because my mood does brighten a little in sunlight)
That was brutally honest and stripped to the bone. I hope you can manage to stay in the sunlight. It's a shame that the olive oil and laying on of hands is just a big sham, but I hope science finds something better for you. It's got to happen sooner or later right? Always hope.
All the best. I hope expressing yourself like you did helped a little and at least today is good for you.
Ultra, you are not alone in this battle. Seratonin & dopamine & all brain chemistry can be a bitch when not working properly, and this is one of many real-life problems that religion can't address and can't treat or cure. AS IF religion ever could treat or heal anything, who f***ing knows, I'll wager my doubts. Goodness knows as a TBM for 20 years I tried to get to the bottom of that question. No one had answers.
I have all the depression & bipolar symptoms too, clinically diagnosed.
Have tried all the recommended pharmaceuticals in the past under doctor supervision, but doctors & I have concluded that the pharmaceuticals are too harsh for my constitution and the side effects have caused more problems than they've helped.
So my treatment plan according to my last doctor includes plenty of sunlight, exercise, and strict nutrition including B-12, omega 3's, vit D, etc.
The last two weeks I have slipped off of this strict regimen (staying on this regimen is like walking on a tightrope!) and I am suffering again as a result. I am only at peace when I am in the sunshine,exercising,with the nutrients of fresh kale & blueberries coursing through my veins...and can you imagine how hard it is to maintain such a state?? It's impossible.
Ultra, you are not alone. Please keep fighting and be well.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/29/2014 12:11PM by lenina.
Please help me figure out how to get kicked out of this club. I have a brother who is still attending TSCC, but not really believing who is right there with us. One interesting thing he's discovered is that he's never had a manic episode when he wasn't on large doses of anti-depressants. I had manic features when I was on Em-Sam. Unfortunately, being totally off meds means I live with suicide thoughts daily even though I would NEVER do that to my family. My brain chemistry is completely fucked. The only drug that I love is coffee--not to stay awake or for energy, just for the mood lift. Zumba is fabulous, but for some reason, when the music stops, my mood takes a dive. Maybe I'll head for a walk in the sunshine. The weather is lovely today.
Em-Sam is Selegiline. It's an MAO inhibitor. The MAO inhibitors are an old anti-depressant group of drugs. They are very effective, but they have multiple food and drug interactions so they fell out of favor. If you're on one and you get a dose of Demerol it can be fatal. The doctors are afraid of them, but when they work, it is magic. Em-Sam is a patch and, at the lowest dose, no dietary modification is needed. Nardil and Parnate are two other MAOs. All of them have a list of drugs that are no-nos. I didn't start having trouble with Em-Sam until about the fourth year I was on it. I was unable to sleep. Mostly because my daughter had died by suicide. Em-Sam, for me, made sleep a little more difficult. Add in hormone changes and a little crazy escaped here and there. Isn't it all so much fun? So sorry to hear of fellow sufferers. This last round of drugs, I tried the newest and greatest one I can't remember it's name--started with a "V". It did nothing. And I gave it two months. Parnate erased the suicide thoughts like magic. Worth a look.
Has anyone mentioned tryptophan, which is naturally found in many foods..... tryptophan is then converted into 5-htp, and 5-htp is converted into serotonin, this process takes roughly 12 hours. You can buy 5-htp capsules at certain pharmacies and even order them online, which apparently i the only "drug" that causes serotonin production.
I printed out a study I came across about combining tryptophan with anti-depressants and I don't think I ever read it. Thanks for bring this up. I'm going to research this.
Even if my life is in a much better place than it was when my husband left, I still have daily thoughts of suicide. I tried going on prozac again recently at 10 mg because higher mg make me comatose. I just want to lay on the bed all day on Prozac, but I know I need to get up and do something, but doing so takes so much effort. Since I've been off all drugs, I do better, but I fight "the thoughts" all the time. My feelings now though are I just wish I'd die as I know I'll never take my life. Like I think Dorothy said, I couldn't do that to my CHILDREN.
As others have said--walking, music. It is the time I feel the best, like I can do this. Not like I go walking like I should, but I'm trying again.
I have diabetes and I really could care less. I guess I care to an extent, but not a good enough extent.
I actually have REVERSE SAD (and the other SAD)--which happens in TOO MUCH sun or when the sun is high in the sky. I come back into my own around September 1st. This summer was wonderful in Utah as we had a few days of sun, not too hot, and then rain all through August. It was WONDERFUL.
Many of us feel like you do. Many of my family and my ex's family have the same types of problems. My son has depression, etc., pretty bad, extreme OCD. I can't believe what extreme OCD does to a person. A few of his cousins have it, too.
Reluctant to give up, I have been praying. It's like I'm on the phone talking to a dial tone.
I try so hard and sometimes it is just SO damn difficult to drag my dumb @$$ through a day. And then I dread the one to come after it.
All I want to do is sleep. Only I can't sleep.
I don't know if my serotonin sucks too or if my depression is situational. Lot of depressing things going on like being broke, getting my hours cut at work (bad since I only make minimum wage), and chronic bad pain + my age makes it impossible to find another job.
I commend you for getting a good medical check up and diagnosis and treatment, regardless of what it is. At least, you are taking it on and accepting that there is something that needs to be treated. There are too many people in denial and continue to wreck havoc on other people's lives because they think they are fine when they are not. My best wishes to you!
ahh.. I don't think Jesus had anything to do with it! :-)
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/29/2014 02:17PM by SusieQ#1.